include Puggles, Golden Retreivers and all varieties of Spaniel. If you are currently in possession of this Dog Contraband, please be out of your house between now and July so you are not inadvertently injured by our heavily armed, swat-style Dog Reclamation Team when they come fo your illegal animal.

Not really. I've always been friends with women I've dated first, so we've certainly gone out in groups or with other couples, but i wouldn't really ever call one a "double date."

But my parents actually met on a blind, double date while they were still in high school. This year is their 30th wedding anniversary, and they're still very much in love and happy. It's just adorable.

The phrase follows me everywhere, I cannot escape it.

Uttered upon my birth by my crazed doctor, portended by the fates who put it in every fortune cookie I've ever received, the only words of Zoltar after twenty nickels, painted on my car every morning by the bums who sleep under it, emailed to me by spambots uncountable, the final words of every dying cyclist I've comforted after they were struck by terrible San Francisco drivers, the lamentation of 49ers fans after yet another missed trip to the superbowl...

The words haunt me at every turn, they are in every newspaper, on every radio station, replacing every word on tv except for those in Big Bang Theory because those are somehow worse.

At every turn, I am pummeled by these words, assaulted and beaten by them until they form an unstoppable tattoo in my brain, pounding out the syllables of that curse in an endless chorus.

I howl into the void, "WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? HOW DO I MAKE THIS STOP?!"

I hear only the whisper, "Sunshine and rainbows amidst the dire fields of hellfire consuming our souls."

My preferred method of reaching a blood-drenched, nightmarish, inescapable hellscape would be to have each nuclear-capable country launch nukes at exactly the same moment. But since each nuke was launched at precisely the same moment and that wasn't factored into missile guidance, they all collide in midair, causing no physical damage to the ground, but ruining the upper atmosphere and blotting out all light forever.

As the crops slowly wither away and die in the pitch black, the earth is divided into warring camps who fight their neighbors for the last of the citronella anti-mosquito candles, the only remaining light sources on earth. Once lit, the winners still complain about how bad they smell.

Eventually, all foodstuffs are consumed and mass starvation begins. After a few years, there is only one person left. Once the world's fattest man, he has now shriveled to an emaciated husk--having burned away his massive bacon-fueled fat stores. And in the lonely darkness he cries out, unceasingly...

"I WANT TO SEE BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA'S BIRTH CERTIFICATE."

Homo Sapiens, finis.

CALIFORNIA, I'VE TOLD YOU TO STOP SCRATCHING YOURSELF WITH THAT FIRE POKER FOR THE LAST TIME!

I went out busking on Saturday since it was so gorgeous. I found a great spot on Powell outside the bart station, and I actually made a not insignificant amount of money. But the best part of the whole day was this one little girl who put some money in my hat.

She and her mom were walking by, and you could clearly see the mom bend down and the girl whisper something in her ear. They stop and turn around, then the mom kind of has to nudge the girl a bit. She walked up really slowly, then threw a five dollar bill in my hat. Then, she shouted out at warp speed "YOUKNOWJUSTINBIEBERSTARTEDPLAYINGMUSICONTHESTREETTOO!" and then turned around and ran away.

It was adorable. :3

Pastor or buche with onions, cilantro and cheese. Doesn't get any better!

I firmly believe there is no such thing.

The last show I went to was with @chrisbarmonde. We went and saw Frank Turner play an amazing show at Thee Parkside, which is nuts because next month he's playing a sold out show at the Wembley Arena. It was an incredible show, and I can't wait til he comes through again.

Here's a video of him closing out his set that I found on YT!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OJcLrMqWxE4

Play

STEP 4: ONCE YOU'VE IDENTIFIED YOUR SKIN, 15 WAYS TO FLAY IT FROM YOUR BONES.

Bulbasaur is clearly the best pokemanz, but I think Jigglypuff is probably the cuddliest.

(RE: https://twitter.com/#!/RTTH/status/170615826662178817)

Beer, Bourbon, Pinball.

Other people optional.

SERIOUSLY.

Korean War Veteran Joseph P. Basketball died today of a leaky inflation valve. Funeral services will be held Monday at St. Mary's on Third St.

THE HOBBIT. Oh man, so so so pumped.

I've been in a very High School mood lately, so I'd say the band I've listened to the most so far this year would be Strike Anywhere. Still such a solid band!

A pink post it note to remind you to lock your computer would be my suggestion.