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I'm afraid of people at my school thinking I'm stupid. In middle school, I thought I was friends with these kids who were all A+ students. They used to compete with each to see who got a better test/quiz grade all the time. It really took a blast at my confidence. They just seemed like perfect students.
During eighth grade, I was in honors English, Latin, algebra 1 with them. Being in those classes didn't make me feel smart though.
With math especially. I got 70's in math. For everyone else, things seemed to just clicked immediately. They figured out all of the teacher's hard questions. In 9th grade, I retook algebra 1. And for the first time in my life - I got 90's in math. Sophomore year, I got a 97 overall average in geometry. And this year, my overall average for math was 100. But you know, even after such an improvement, I still feel stupid. I freak out if someone wants me to explain something to them, because I think "I can't. I don't really know this." Also, I take really long to do problems. While this math genius in my classroom could do a problem in half the time I did.
I hope I don't sound arrogant - because I don't think that people with lower grades than me are stupid. If anything, I think my grades are a fluke somehow - and everyone else is actually smarter. The problem is connected to my OCD. I have to be sure that I got the right answer to everything. Everything has to be perfect, so I take longer than most people and then I feel stupid because of it. Like this year, my state required students to take the regular English exam. Even though I was in AP English this year, when I took the regular exam, I was thinking, "I'm going to do horribly on this exam and then I'll be taken out of AP. What if I'm getting all of these questions wrong?" I went to the last ten minutes of the exam perfecting everything. Granted, I left the exam room knowing it was one of the easiest English tests I've ever taken in high school... Though I still fear that I didn't do well enough.
I know I probably sound ridiculous. -
So the reason I asked this is because I'm trying to be more open about my own fear ^_^ Apparently talking helps, and I wanna vent anyway. You guys don't have to reply or anything, haha. The point is to get it out there.
Sooo guys, I'm emetophobic - I have an irrational fear of vomiting. (Oh yeah, this is gonna be a gross answer, I can feel it XD)
After almost every meal, I imagine how it might make me sick (and I tend to overcook meals, just to make sure they're done). I confuse hunger with nausea very often. I go to bed with my hair tied up, in case I throw up in the night. I haven't traveled to the city in weeks for fear I might be sick on the bus. I read articles on vomiting almost every day. I was terrified of exams last week, for fear I'd be sick in the exam room (I was more afraid of that than I was of my results). If a friend tells me they've been sick in the past week, I demand to know how and - if it involves puking - I find reasons to avoid them. The slightest twinge in my stomach - bloating, hunger, even random twinges, you name it, sets me on edge. So even though I haven't thrown up in almost 10 years, and I'm good at suppressing nausea, I'm still hell paranoid.
This winter it's gotten seriously disruptive - these habits developed over the last few weeks. Now my thought is, screw this. So I'm breaking those habits where I can: from sleeping with my hair down, to bussing it home from school (baby steps :P), to resisting the urge to read about it, deep breathing, calm music, praying, what have you.
And talking about it. Mum knows - she kind of guessed - and my brother, sister and dad suspect. My mates don't know. I figured - hey, baby steps, chuck it online. So here.
Your turn! I feel a fair bit better after typing that out. If you have a fear that you need to get off your chest, post it here
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