-
-
Haha, if I didn't know my followers' sense of humor as well as I (think I) do, I might be creeped out.
Gray beater, gray boxer briefs, aqua pajama pants, lime green fuzzy socks. -
Sitting naked in front of a mirror.
No, seriously. I go sit ass-naked in front of a giant mirror and I look at myself. I think of all the other people I know who share my anatomy and identify as a gender other than female. I think about how I accept and affirm their identities, and how I should be able to do exactly the same for myself. Sometimes I go look at transqueersxxx on tumblr because it's a celebration of just that, in my eyes: "Look at me! I am trans* and this is my body and I love it!"
Most of the time, though, it's the social dysphoria that hurts--knowing I am constantly misgendered by those who see me. In which case, I sometimes avoid the mirror, and I seek the company of those who know and accept my identity, and who correctly gender me. And sometimes I alter/intensify my presentation and projection of confidence to mess with people, because if they're gonna stare anyway, I may as well think I look hot for it! -
A loooong time.
I didn't "always know" I was "different," although looking back I can see times in childhood when I was very gender-non-conforming. I started to realize I was as attracted to women as to men around 14. In college I had the mind-blowing revelation that sex and gender were two different things. By sophomore year I was involved in the queer community and really struggling with what it meant to be pansexual and gender-confused, and by junior year I was explaining gender identity (badly) to a class on literature, race/ethnicity, and queerness. That class and its readings were really seminal in helping me understand myself, and my final project was a writing project to help me explore and unfold my gender identity, which ended up being non-binary-aligned, genderqueer, and trans*-identified.
As far as reconciling it... I guess it's taken me until now, 23, to make any progress on really embracing myself for who I am. It's been an uphill road but I am so much better for having taken on the journey. -
I guess "fear of rejection" is the most succinct answer here.
I'm not real big on dating for the sake of dating, and I haven't got much practice at it--I've done a lot more work in the "committed monogamous relationship" arena (with many, many gender IDs). I'm not very good at not taking rejection personally, so it tends to hit me hard. Add to that a gender identity that not many people understand (especially living in a conservative area like I do), and I really fear getting rejected over my identity. It's a struggle to figure out when and how to disclose it, and frustrating that I do generally need to disclose it to have it respected. In the end I suppose I'm afraid that my fears will come true, and I'll end up lonely, with my identity "at fault."
Also I make too big a deal out of everything! (:
(I blogged about it here: http://queernetic.blogspot.com/2011/02/hi-im-single-but-im-genderqueer-and-you.html ) -
You are all shameless flatterers and I love you anyway. <3
I'll just say that I seem to have been born lucky, but some days are a fight to get through. I have great boxing gloves, though. And great people.
-
Samson’s Bio
Genderqueer, pansexual, Christian androgyne. Trying to live and love life as I find it. I like fedoras.
Wants Questions About
- silly things
