I tried to use it as an inspiring force for my photos, mostly. I wrote some, slept a lot, cried too much. Probably lots of emotional eating. I don't think I ever healed properly and I don't think I ever will. Like when you break your leg and don't get it set the right way and then you're a gimp forever.

It wasn't his fault, he really did everything he could to make me happy, I just couldn't make it work in my head. I'm too ADD, there's always something I need to do or something more exciting or interesting or I'm too lazy and don't want to force myself to work on being together. The breakup made me realize that no matter how happy I want to be or how happy I try to make myself and someone else, inevitably I'm going to be unable to maintain that long term, so there's no point in trying. I don't have a nature suited for monogamy, be it sexual or emotional. I don't want to be tied down, I don't want to check in, I don't want to be committed, I don't want to have obligations or anyone else's emotional health resting on me. I don't want a dog, let alone a partner. It's too much responsibility and I come not only to resent it but also to hate myself for not being normal and eventually it becomes conflict with the person I'm with. And then there's fighting and crying and too much The Cure and me being sick to my stomach because conflict makes me ill.There's no sense in dating, because dating is only a testing ground for relationships. I don't want to put myself or anyone else through that kind of minefield again. It's pointless and cruel and painful for everyone involved.

So actually, no. I evolved into a person more aware of how unhealthy and terrible and toxic I am, but at least I figured out that I should throw up some serious walls before anyone else gets hurt. So it ended well enough, I guess.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TkOH73aTicc

Play

Jack of all trades and a master of none.

Some guy I used to know fucked me over once upon a time. I had some photos of him in a dress from Halloween and I posted a personal ad with the photo and his number to a gay pickup site saying that he worked 2nd shift and that they should call late at night. He's incredibly homophobic so it was pretty outstanding. He was livid.

I got to a point where I wasn't having fun anymore and nothing I did seemed worthwhile, I was out of touch and locked away from everyone I was close to and everything seemed futile. I wasn't seriously considering killing myself but I did scout around for what seemed like a good block of days where nobody would be home to interrupt me. Luckily I got an invitation to fly out to Vegas to see Manson play for Halloween. I had zero to lose and was able to focus on putting something together to wear and by the time I came back I was back on top of the world and those dark times felt like a lifetime ago.

Everything terrible that happens is a handful of breaths away from being shed like an old skin when something good makes it all turn around. The only thing constant is change. If you don't like the way things are going, wait. Though of course the waiting works best if you're actively trying to push for change on your own rather than just sitting around doing what you've always done, waiting for something to happen.

I met Rudy the same night I met Manson, actually. He saw me in the crowd because I was wearing a vinyl armband with a MM patch from Hot Topic that he hadn't seen before. When they led me on the bus Rudy grabbed me by the arm and towed me up to Manson going "this is the one I told you about! The guy wearing the patch!" Manson hadn't seen it before either, which was surprising. You'd think the artist would know about their merch but I guess not so much, probably a licensing thing.

Anyway. After I stumbled off the bus and started heading back to my car in the rain, totally dazed. I heard someone running through the empty parking lot behind me screaming WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIT and my first thought was "oh shit, I'm gonna get jumped" so I got in my car and locked the doors. The skies opened up and it started seriously pouring and this giant lunatic throws himself against my door and mimes for me to roll down the window. It's Rudy and he chased me all the way out to the parking lot to get my info for Manson. It was pretty awesome. I got Rudy's number then too and I guess pretty much everything in my life took a drastic swing for the better after that. Two huge friendships on the same night. No wonder that night was so magical.

That's kinda hot. :\

Lulz were experienced. Followed closely by guilt. And then maybe a small giggle after that because that was very funny. :\

Manson is like the Statue of Liberty in that "give me your manic-depressive, your ADD, your suicidal, your autistic" kind of way. Misfit magnet.

It sounds like the rape that gave you an orgasm you won't admit but secretly masturbate to later.

HE CAN'T EXPLAIN IT

I couldn't care less about any of this.

(Taking way too long to fight with the translation) I eat a lot, I love food. If I exercise I lose weight, but I'm very lazy in Ohio.

He did? Oh, that's cool then. Just don't tell anybody, okay? The title is

Lmfao omg Jeff and Chris :3

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GODDAMMIT

Not only do I not know what you said, but I can't identify what language you said it in.

That's hot.

Because all the people that live near me are idiotic and hideous morons with no sense of humor. They enjoy listening to Justin Bieber and Britney Spears,walking around in pyjamas and playing sports. The 2 or 3 emo/goth faggots that live around here are whiny little dbags that just want attention and think Black Veil Brides is a "hardcore" band. I prefer having friends I actually like that I speak to online than just having a social group that I pretend to enjoy but in reality DESPISE.

I knowwwww

:DDDDDDDDDDDD <3