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I'm trying to recall this happening, but I can't. I don't think I've ever hated anyone within the first few times of meeting them, so i'd say it's pretty safe to say you're not on my bad side. I'm always up for meeting new people, yourself included.
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Biggest wouldn't be the right way to phrase it really, I have a few regrets, but I can't really say that some have more "weight" than others, so to speak. But in general I'm happy with who I am today and those decisions are a part of what makes me myself.
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"I'm tired of these motherfucking questions on this motherfucking website." That being said, here goes!
Well, I feel like there are few well known titles that deserve some credit before I get in to the thick of this. Why you ask? Because putting different animals on varying kinds of transportation and objects isn't exactly easy, you guys.
Goats on a boat.
Dragons on a wagon.
Watch me take this on down the road:
Gorillas on Flotillas.
Shrews on a Cruise.
Quails on Sails.
Newts on Parachutes.
Cranes on Trains.
Ducks on Trucks.
And Parastratiosphecomyia-Stratiosphecomyioides on Taxis.
Bonus!: Pandas on verandas. (I know very well that verandas aren't really all that mobile,(and by that I mean, not at all.), but I still think the idea of finding a panda in one's house is a recipe for a hilarious bamboo-related mess and possibly Youtube gold.) -
Anything with a good beat usually does the trick, It depends on my mood ..and my blood-alcohol level.
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Slapping hoes isn't generally in my repertoire, however, I'd still like to wear the over-sized fuzzy green hat and dollar sign glasses. They call me White-Chocolate, the passive-aggressive pimp of the internets.
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Oh THL, if I had to pick just one of the oodles and oodles I've tried... (Dear internet, this is sarcasm, I love vegetables, but just as friends. Friends I eat, preferably cooked. I know it's not as sexy, but I am only one man, with only so much veggie-love to go around.) The internets, as well as many awkward cartoons have informed me that watermelons are the most seductive of all the vegetables. So much so that they look like they need a hot wang-injection quite frequently, and therefore would probably be the way to go.(Speculation as to the watermelon's vegetability aside.) Remember THL, watermelons can't say no, or get headaches. I'm sure the boys down in the science lab have been cooking up a project to develop the perfect vegetable for a straight man's pleasure. "Project Veggina", I think it's called. You girls have the banana and cucumber, all we want is one Veggina. Is that so much to ask?
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May I humbly present to you, my idea for:
EPICAKE:
Step one: Get an extra chocolate cake mix, combine with hershey's kisses and cook in a bunt-cake tin.
Step two: Get an extra chocolate brownie mix, add chocolate and cook in a separate bunt-cake tin. (Molten Chocolate would be ideal.)
Step three: Cut cake in half.
Step four: Place brownie layer in between two cake halves, creating a layered cake.
Step five: Ice the entire cake with chocolate frosting.
Step six: Cover entire cake with chocolate sprinkles, fudge (Both solid and "hot"), and hershey's syrup.
Step seven: Fill middle of cake with chocolate sweets / chocolate ice-cream / fruit.
I'm not entirely sure that this amount of chocolate won't kill a person. Either way, I still want to make it or bake it. Death by chocolate apparently just wasn't enough chocolate for me, but it did have just the right amount of death. -
Everything is the best thing about a leotard. Now, I don't know about about you THL, but I've never found myself inside a leotardory* nor have I tried to squeeze my junk in to one of those danceriffic items. If I did so, society's reaction to my frilly manly man bulge may be one of the Indiana Jones nazi-face melting variety. This could quite possibly cause leotards to be done away with forever, horrific leotardicides may or may not be involved. Especially against the one I was wearing. Burn that one.
*Leotardory (N): A place where one buys leotards, and leotards only. -
How can a room be empty, yet padded? Paradoxical, no? If I had to choose, I'd probably choose a man who was about to explode violently (Why? Who cares why? The dudes' explodin', so chances are he probably knows what he did. Poor guy, but I digress...)that way, whenever his horrible and cartoonish death occurs, he'll blast a hole in the wall, freeing me. I'd emerge covered in exploded man-meat, but i'd be victorious, even if I was emotionally scarred for the rest of my life.
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Bear Grylls (Man vs. Wild) or Les Stroud (Survivor Man), that way I'd be able to survive in style, not to mention make it home on a stylish cruise-ship constructed only of bamboo, trees and a few dead elk. As long as we can keep Bear from sucking on the eyeballs of dead things and all the other unnecessary things he does, we'll be on our way home that very afternoon.
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The hand-mutilation sounds tempting, but the "cheese" sounds equally as awful. Oh, how is one to choose? If I chose the John Deer related handcrushery you've described THL, would the blade of the mower be on? That's important,for I may miss old "lefty" too much,and what would I do with all my extra left mittens? Start a LEFTMITTENS R US? Hardly. The economy is failing and you want me to start a left handed mitten emporium and bake shop? Come on, let's be realistic here THL. God only knows what the time limit on eating the cheese would have, dear lord my intestines hurt from this question already.
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-nonsensical statement about plankton- Check and mate.
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That's a toss-up THL. I'd love to go to Japan and walk around wrapped in my own snuggie of mixed emotions.* The odd mixture of wonder, confusion, curiosity, and indecisive indigestion I'd feel towards all of the techno-robo-hello-kitty and tentacle porn themed bars and restruants (normally reserved for only classy, well-to-do gentlemen such as myself) could be enough to entice one for an eternity. On the other tentacle, I'd love to be able to travel to the Netherlands, where I hear everything is made of rainbows. Rainbows made from the skulls of ancient beasts, lightning and death metal belching snow-demons, sure, but rainbows none-the-less. Or perhaps I've been playing "Brutal Legend" too much, it remains unclear. Aside from these two lovely countries, there's always Australia. "Why Australia?" You ask, pretending not to know full-well every amazing and possibly cliche'-ridden reason for my venture, why? because it's pretty, that's why. Yep, no tentacles, no robots, no viking-esque people, just relaxation, sand, water and large quantities of the booze.
*Quite possibly the best, and most self disappointing metaphor I have ever used. -1 Charisma point. -
If you're using these names, I want my cut.
The Fantastic Mr. Fucks.
District 69.
Monsters vs. Analiens.
TMNT. (Teenager Molesting Ninja Turtles)
Mr. Woodcock. (C'mon.)
Children of the porn.
Paul Blart, Mall Cock.
28 Gays Later.
28 Wangs Later. (The long-awaited sequel.)
And Finally...
The Un-Fuckables.
Whew, this is nonsense is getting so much harder to do when movies with names like "Avatar" keep coming out. What am I supposed to do with that James Cameron? Hm? Avatarnished? Where is the sexy? Where is the LOVE, man? Come back when you pick a name more suitable for vagina jokes, and maybe we'll talk. -
(This is all of course assuming that I also have no access to the internet for the illegal viewing of shows, ordering of food, downloading of songs, and infinite ideas on hobbies involving paper-clips and various glues.) For starters I'd probably opt to watch the news, so at the very least I'd have a grasp on what's going on in the world, being that I rarely ever have the urge to pick up a newspaper, but who cares, those things'll be dead soon anyways right? Right. If I had to eat one food, I guess realistically i'd have to look up what food had to most value to a human body and eat that. It can't possibly be healthy to eat the same thing every day, but at least I could avoid a 5-day bacon-binge related death, and I kill enough pigs as it is.(No, not personally.)* If i had to listen to any song on repeat forever I may want to die a horrible horrible bacon-death anyway, but at least if I had to pick one I can lessen my pain by picking the longest listen-able song in existence, whatever that may be. As far as a hobby, I feel like I'd go insane without some kind of social contact for the rest of my life, so anything highly social. Perhaps a bacon eating contest?
*(Sorry pigs, you're just too delicious to walk around un-eaten.) -
I love you too, mysterious formspring person. Let's never be apart. <3
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I'm not home because I'm currently doing different kinds of nothing in another location. I do miss it though.
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For starters, eating dinner with a dead person wouldn't be the most entertaining, appetizing or legal way to go about doing things. Secondly, I run in to difficulty finding a place to eat amongst my own friends, let alone historical figures and celebrities. I can see it now, "Lincoln, Napoleon and Socrates really want that White-castle, they've been jonesin'...But, I promised Seth Rogan, John Lennon and Mitch Hedberg that we'd all go get really, really high and hit things with a bat, so..."
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I'll try to tone down the sexual harassment, I make no promises though.
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Dave
Dave’s Bio
Tell me your name, Tell me your story, because i'm in to it.
