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    1. Marcus Allen the Cat
    2. Marcus Allen the Cat

      I would want to be able to glamour people like on True Blood, and compel them to do stuff like on Vampire Diaries. None of that sparkly shit. I would do some serious mind-fucking and blood sucking. I'm creepin' in your bedroom and hauntin' your dreams and drinkin' yer blood! Yeeeeeessss.

    3. Marcus Allen the Cat

      Cole Haan Nike Air pumps. Why the frack did it take so long to figure out that you should put cushioned soles in heels?????

    4. Marcus Allen the Cat

      Does gin count as a food? I had a bad night with gin NYE 1997 and can't even stand the smell of it.

      Also, I got food poisoning at Baja Fresh once, and would prefer not to go back if I had a choice. It still makes me a little queasy to think about it.

    5. Marcus Allen the Cat

      I'll give you a hint, he's very white, likes to wear v-neck t-shirts, and has more hair on his chest than he does on his head. OOOWWWWWWWWW. That's right, I'm looking at you, Dave.

    6. Marcus Allen the Cat

      Touche. Just try to keep in under control, like don't wear it with boat shoes or anything with alligators on it or any Lily Pulitzer. Actually, just straight up don't wear Lily Pulitzer. K thanks!

    7. Marcus Allen the Cat

      Riding my tricycle headfirst down the stairs at my parents' house on the day of the closing. I distinctly remember that there was no furniture in the house. That pretty much wiped out any memories I may have had before that. I was around two years old. The next thing I remember after that is my father taking me to see my brother on the maternity ward. I was about two years old plus one month. I remember looking through the big window and thinking all the babies looked the fucking same.

    8. Marcus Allen the Cat

      First I would headbutt my cat out of excitement over Tommy Z. Then I would research Christian Bale's thoughts on the role of the power running game in an offensive scheme. Just kidding, he's hot. I would probably stroke out due to overexcitement.

    9. Marcus Allen the Cat
    10. Marcus Allen the Cat

      MAN ALIVE give me a little credit. She couldn't even hack being the governor of a tiny state where almost no one lives. SHE QUIT. Quitters don't get to be President.

    11. Marcus Allen the Cat

      Hmmm. I am not sure what this means. Is the answer you're looking for "your dick"? Because I'm good on dick, thanks for asking.

      I would say I am craving some pool time and sunshine. I think I have that seasonal affective disorder business.

    12. Marcus Allen the Cat

      ROFLZ to the max power LOLs, natch! Seriously, I have to preemptively thank the powers that be at Southern Cal for making the coming fall of Troy unbelievably entertaining. Now, if our man Kelly pans out, it will be totes awesome to the google power.

    13. Marcus Allen the Cat

      Let's see... sexy, forever young, get to sleep all day and creep on unsuspecting virgins at night... or weird, hairy, violent, and lose all control every time there is a full moon. Gee. Tough call.

    14. Marcus Allen the Cat
    15. Marcus Allen the Cat
    16. Marcus Allen the Cat

      Hmmmm... private jet will spare me the indignity of commercial air travel, but luxury yacht will be an effective means of escape from my urban area in the event that society collapses and I have to get the hell out of dodge in a hurry.... Luxury yacht. Cause I'm a baller who is ready for the apocalypse. Also so I can yell "I'M ON A BOAT" at random intervals.

    17. Marcus Allen the Cat

      I am fueled solely by coffee and rage. So yeah, coffee. Tea is for namby pambys and Brits.

    18. Marcus Allen the Cat

      If I had a million dollars (If I had a millions dollars) I'd buy you a monkey. Haven't you always wanted a monkey?

    19. Marcus Allen the Cat
    20. Marcus Allen the Cat

      Probably Derek Jeter, because I would be absurdly rich, super good at my chosen profession, and damn good looking. The downside: I would have herpes. Which kind of sucks, but nothing's perfect, right?

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Marcus Allen the Cat’s Bio

I'm a cat with an anger management problem.