you have many problems, here they are: (1) you have a writer boyfriend, which is a problem b/c 1a.) he calls himself a 'writer,' which unless he has a book deal or gets paid freelancing he really isn't, just some some bro who stuffs daydreams into a 500-600 word flush-left boxes and calls it 'prose,' lol like who cares, or 1b.) you are the type of gal who thinks being a writer is sexy, which points to your own unrealistic ideas of 'life' i.e. he'll be broke and you'll be eating hot pockets vs. tamales 4ever; (2) he is hiding you b/c 2a.) maybe your face is difficult to look at and he's just being considerate to others or 2b.) he's a dick ass shit head; (3) you associate, per a 'slash,' coolness with idiocy, which means you are bitter, like you resent cool ppl so you think they are dumb, when in fact cool ppl are far from dumb -- they are brilliant, as they have mastered the fine art of being themselves, their vapid souls the canvas on which they paint with fashion; (4) you are asking a stranger with a past of relationship boundary problems if you are really his girlfriend, to which my answer is 4a.) short of a signed nuptial, a dingdong in your pooper is the mark of a fat brown sharpie, and/or 4b.) short of an engagement ring, a cock ring will also make life hard

i like the idea of myself in nyc, like being the sole writer for the new yorker's 'shouts & murmurs' section, them giving me an office where i go to 2x a week for bagels in the conf. room and power lunch with an intern w/ an eating disorder (more salmon for me); i'd own a brownstone in park slope and write satire (inaugurated by me) for 'the economist' when not working on my novel for which i'd receive a +200K advance, spent mostly on wine and rare orchids and the occasional 'all nighter' with jonathan safran foer...yes i do think of that, but then i think, realistically, i'd be renting a room in brooklyn for $1,045 w/ 4 alt lit-bros, commuting to Manhattan to some law office at which i'm the receptionist, only to go home covered in metro soot grim to blog via ripped-off wifi and day old bagel y flat corona, staring at the iphone for a booty call from some puerto rican princess who i lied and told i was korean to b/c her stagename is 'lil kim chi

I feel that not having any arms/legs every other year would '''drastically''' interfere with my career whereas bathing herman cain would only be a medium/veering on major inconvenience/still a "mere" inconvenience nonetheless. i think that my obligation to bathe herman cain on a daily basis would give me some sense of life purpose since i would always have something to look forward to, and he would be completely dependent on my services which would either healthily empower me or result in a god complex so severe it would require immediate psychological intervention; either way, the experience would serve as 'good creative fodder' and garner media attention (18 Year Old Fashion Blogger Gives Alleged Sexual Harasser Daily Milk Baths) perhaps would also serve as a solid marketing gimmick that could be monetized/converted into blog hits/a spot on a talk show/a five digit number of twitter followers.

i like those sad-type ladies who don't manage their hair destined for jean overalls who publish one single poem in the new yorker their entire career in their late twenties then go on to live disappointing lives with their academic husband and dog and get really sad at parties when she says 'i had a poem published in the new yorker' looking across the room at the swooping lilies; i also like dean young a lot

no i have not, and to be honest, i was a bit 'turned off' by his smug reviews of adam levin and tao lin's books in new york times and book forum (respectively) -- the former to which he kept unabashedly comparing his own 'better' messiah-type novel; the latter on which he simply, predictably, shat -- though i will admit it's probably a work of near-genius, being the kind of man he is, with his spectacles and circa-transcendentalist hair, but no, i'll save my 3-inch book thickness tolerance for pynchon's next work, or a crass course on the LSAT

while those specific things are better done alone, the emotional [affection, intimacy, nurturing], physical [sex, tennis, light wrestling], and logistical [groceries, picnics, caulking leaks] capacity of a girlfriend would out weigh said things, and perhaps make those things less important, given that they are employed as staunch compensation for being single, and a little lonely; the caveat, of course, is that a relationship for the sake of a relationship often incurs a kind of deep loneliness worse than just being circumstantially lonely. in a world of compromise and compost, i don't wanna recycle my feelings.

no i did not; and christ, i keep saying to you kidz: it's not pointless. if you take GRE and get a good score, u can get into grad school/get masters. in 2-3 years you will make 80K instead of 35K and guess what my bitches: 45K dollars means you a) live in a non might-get-raped neighborhood, b) get the fresh salmon instead of the frozen salmon, c) take yoga instead of lying on the your kitchen floor, d) go to 'london' instead of 'utah' for x-mas, and e) 'get to' take an alluring asian-canadian online writer out for filet mignon instead of safeway rotisserie chicken. my point is, lady, start studying now and i'll see you in three years, with a better attitude. fuck yes, 4lyfe.

sumtimes, like this very moment, i answer questions the first thing after i wake up, naked in bed, still coated by the sad diffused light which, like a stupid pet i tried to rid of by yelling at it, still comes thru the curtains into my room, its coy light lapping the side of my face as some slap of shame, and to call this retreat into myself 'dicking around' may induce my typing hand to tug twice at the joyless erection emitted by a full bladder, just to know i am still here

being a shy girl will lead you down two paths in life, all depending, sadly, if you are 'hot' or 'not.' if you are 'hot' then bros -- like when you are at a party standing in the hallway by the bathroom, will be like 'damn, she's so mysterious and hot and cute she probably is reading 'the bell jar' right now and i want to figure out what's in her head she's so cute' -- and u'll be set 4lyfe cuz these bros will turn into men who make good salaries and stuff; so you can spend ur days buying designer handbags and eating 'niçoise salad' next to a mexican whose job is to take your plate when you're done. but if you are 'not' -- then like at the same party standing by the bathroom the bros will be all "damn, what's her deal? she probs is reading ayn rand, would rather put my dingdong in the spinach dip" -- and so you go home alone and feed your cat, then another cat, and another, until 10 yrs later you realize you are a cat lady hoarder who don't throw away cross word puzzles that you almost finish every day, save the 4-letter across word you thought at one point ought to have been 'love,' sorry lady.

more thought catalog stuff and perhaps 1-3 larger projects to be revealed over the next year