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Hairy. Scary. Inspirational. Asthmatic. Dyslexic. Constipated. GIGANTIC. Squashy. Squishy. Wishy. Washy. Smooth. An 'Exceptional Student'. Problematic. Unpredictable. Thoughtful. Kind. A Prominent Philanthropist. Narcoleptic. Asian.

You can find the rest in my new book "500 ways to describe my balls".

He likes to be referred to as my 'lovely horse' I'll have you know. For that reason he has requested I not divulge any of his personal information to persons such as yourself who cannot even get his name right. You've greatly upset him. Entirely put him off his afternoon brunch. You cruel, cruel, bunt :(

A FUCKING SPORK. OF COURSE. HOW DARE YOU EVEN ASK THIS QUESTION?! WHAT OTHER ANSWER IS THERE?! IF YOU SAY FORK I WILL CRUSH YOU. IF YOU SAY SPOON I WILL CRUSH YOU. IF YOU SAY KNIFE... you get the idea.

Spork. Always a spork.

I am and the price all depends on you.

Have you washed in the last 6 months?
Have you contracted 'teh aids'?
Have you got a psychologically disturbing fascination with poop?

This are all things I need to take into account.
Generally though between £5.12 and £5.85 for each 23 minute period.

An infinite amount. If you were to slice into one of my testes, another would pop out. Slice into that and another would appear and so on. I do not own 100% shares in them unfortunately but I do own all the Intellectual Property rights regarding them.

Because I am too busy skanking around catching aids. I will however strive to ask your more right now.

Because it has been built into my nature to desire to. Because I want to. Because I want to.

Foooook... You mean you found out that I'm REALLY a pan-dimensional being with an appetite for stylish toupees? Shit!

They are too small to be seen by the naked eye. They were once put under the Hubble space telescope to see if they could be found but the attempt was unsuccessful.

No but I would kiss a woman with a beard. In fact it is a requirement that all women I kiss have beards

Twelvety. But only if all your honks are in good condition with all flaps being shiny and purple. Otherwise they have no chance unless the pie is period flavour.

1984. It must be read by all.

I would become my mother and masturbate furiously in a disabled toilet.

Facebook, random person. Go go go! /jonnyborders

I think I need to buy a new mirror

A whisk. See YouTube under 'Sorry Mum Episode 7B'

I would make sure I inserted regular portions of fly pie into my ass to ensure my new friend feels at home.

For sure! Just bend me over and call me Julie, let's get bashing bums right away!

In mah belly! Now go make me another.