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Hi there, thanks for the question! I wrote about something similar in this article on overcoming perfectionism: http://thegloss.com/culture/how-to-stop-being-a-perfectionist-622/
But basically, I think you need to expose yourself to real stress and problems in order to give your internal stress barometer a sense of perspective. I managed to reset mine by running a company and failing and having the sheriff lock me out of my own office for nonpayment of rent and then declaring bankruptcy, which I can't exactly recommend, but I do recommend risk-taking of the non- "147 Hours" variety -- the kind where you maybe fuck up your reputation and credit a bit, but you keep both arms and you feel ready to be an entrepreneur again and you're not scared by ridiculous things like job interviews or dates or performance reviews or clients saying no when you raise your rates.
Just TRYING REALLY HARD TO RELAX isn't going to work. As I'm sure you know.
You could raise money and go to Ethiopia and help build schools:
http://www.imagine1day.org/how-you-can-help/imagine-ethiopia-2012
...just as one example.
Or become an EMT. Save a few lives and watch a few people die. Whatever it is inside you that keeps making noise about small things will probably get the message.
I hope that helps! I'm sure if you're writing to me, you didn't expect easy advice. ("Take a bubble bath and really nurture yourself!" Fuck that.)
Sincerely,
Jen -
Hi there,
You're not the only one who's asked about perfectionism. I think there will be a Bullish about that topic sometime in the next few months. For now, though, have you heard about the Marines' "70% solution"?
I mentioned the 70% solution briefly in a column about delegating (http://thegrindstone.com/career-management/bullish-how-to-delegate-and-why-its-important-even-if-you-just-make-coffee-598/), but here's the gist of the topic, summarized from "The 30 Management Principles of the U.S. Marines" by David Freedman.
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Aim for the 70% solution.
It's better to decide quickly on an imperfect plan than to roll out a perfect plan when it's too late.
"Everyone is always looking for perfect truth. Even if you find it, the other guy is up to something. So by the time you execute it, your truth isn't perfect anymore."
When time is of the essence, Marines act as soon as they have a plan with a good chance of working. Indecisiveness is worse than making a mediocre decision. A mediocre decision swiftly rendered and executed at least stands a chance.
"If your decision-making loop is more streamlined than your enemy's, then you set the pace and course of the battle."
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Source: http://www.vincehuston.org/books/marines_30.html
I recall a man-friend of mine who had a three-item to-do list at all times. "WHAT IF THERE'S AN EMERGENCY AND NOW YOU HAVE FOUR THINGS?" I would say, casting side glances over at my 500-item to-do list.
"Eh, something falls off the bottom, then," he would say.
Men tend to get more of a pass for forgetting Grandma's birthday, showing up to the potluck with a bag of chips, and otherwise letting the little things slide. But, honestly, you too can let the little things slide!
Laura Vanderkam talks a lot about this (specifically, how little housekeeping really matters) in "168 Hours," an excellent time management book I talk more about here: http://thegloss.com/career/bullish-life-how-many-minutes-of-your-life-have-been-stolen-by-scarjos-ass-and-various-kardashians-and-other-questions-raised-by-keeping-a-time-diary-417/
So, those are some resources for getting started.
I'd also recommend signing up for something that 1) you know you'll suck at, and 2) doesn't matter. Latin dance class? Cooking class? Go get a bartending certification you probably won't use. Muck about. Bumble. Get used to the feeling. Laugh it off, relax.
When it comes to Latin dance class, the 40% solution is enough. I mean, who cares?
When it comes to real things, ask before you begin what "percent" is needed. If you're a surgeon, 100%. If you're doing something stupid for your boss, maybe 60% of your best effort will make him happy. Maybe 80%. But ask yourself that before you begin.
Also keep in mind that too much perfectionism in one area means less time for perfectionism (or even basic competence) in others. Use your perfectionism against itself! If your hair and sales reports are perfect, you will have less time for networking! Etc.
Hope that helps, and thanks for reading.
Sincerely,
Jennifer -
I exaggerate. I do sometimes attend events, but I view them as ways to meet people with whom to spend time one-on-one.
Also, I have to really make my point sometimes about being introverted, as extroverts do not understand how draining we introverts find their events; if I know a few days ahead of time about a party, I can steel myself, but if you surprise me ... er, it's like not telling me ahead of time about the blood drive so at least I can eat a healthy breakfast.
Introverts do enjoy a sense of community, though. ON THE INTERNET. Or, in gyms where other people are working out also, so it's motivational BUT WE NEVER SPEAK. Or, in restaurants where the atmosphere is nice because brunch is an important component of the meaning of life, but where people only really talk to the person they came with. This article in The Atlantic summed it up nicely: http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2003/03/caring-for-your-introvert/2696/
There are two ideas here, really -- one is my own preferences/quirks, and the other is advice for all. And I do think that, in the era of ubiquitous connectivity, many people have literally never concentrated IN THEIR ENTIRE LIVES. Some of these people are my teenage students. If you cannot be alone with your thoughts for twenty fucking minutes without needing to call up a friend or wander into the kitchen, then you will never string together enough thoughts to do anything of importance. This is a debased version of the human condition.
I appeal also to Gladwell's 10,000 hours (how long it takes to become an expert). Sure, if you want to become an expert at cheerleading, most of that time will be spent with others, but to become an expert at most important things, a great many of those 10,000 hours must be spent in solitude.
So, basically, I think that extroverts have a handicap -- not a handicap in achieving material success, but a handicap in the great human search for meaning, and the fight against mortality that we can fight only by leaving behind something worthwhile. Introverts leave superior legacies.
Thanks for the question!
Sincerely,
Jennifer -
Hi there, and thanks for the excellent (and flattering) question. I definitely don't feel jazzed up and super full of energy all day long -- that's just not sustainable for long periods of time. It's more that I've just cut a lot of crap out of my life. I don't have TV at all, and I don't hang out with groups of people (it's just pointless; meaningful conversations almost never happen in groups of more than two).
My deadlines for TheGloss and The Grindstone keep me on a writing schedule (I make a point to plan what I'm going to write the night before, and then sleep on it), and I add a lot of other deadlines to my calendar to make sure I keep producing. I haven't yet figured out the holy grail for doing big projects that need to be scheduled in many small modules, but I do manage to slam out all kinds of day-length projects.
I think it's also important not to be crippled by perfectionism. Sometimes I feel stuck, and I say, "Okay, this article's going to suck, but I'll just write something that sucks and then try to fix it up if I can." When it's done, though, it almost never actually sucks (well, at least I think so). And if it did suck, well, a first draft is way better than no draft (and that's true for lots of things other than writing).
I'm also able to get more done by automating the less important parts of life. I pick one healthy meal and make the same thing over and over for a couple of weeks until I get tired of it and switch it up (right now, egg whites with black beans and peppers). I would never, ever in a million years waste an entire day on "errands." I can't understand people who do. I can order everything on the Internet and save an entire day in exchange for modest shipping fees. I love Freshdirect. I always buy things in bulk even if there's no discount for doing so, because it saves my time (and also, sometimes, shipping fees). I own two years' worth of trash bags. I buy eye makeup remover in cases, from a beauty supply store. Etc. These things seem trivial, but they add up.
Finally, sometimes I feel tired, stupid, or just plain terrible, just like everyone else. It might be obvious from my last several columns that not everything has been rosy for me. But, if you have a lot going on, then you can easily say, "Okay, I'm not going to do any of these big-thinking tasks right now, so what's on the I'm-stupid-right-now list?" And then I clean the bathtub and print and collate worksheets for my students and follow back a bunch of people who followed me on Twitter and a bunch of other stuff that would bore the living shit out of me if I were on top of my game.
Life usually hands you less than ideal circumstances, so it's important to move forward under duress. You will usually be under some kind of duress! You don't need to feel guilty about it; it's the human condition. Some not-very-glamorous scheduling techniques, as above, can keep the engine running when life has given you the proverbial lemons (or cramps, or hangovers, or breakups, or pink slips). -
"I would not give a fig for the simplicity this side of complexity, but I would give my life for the simplicity on the other side of complexity." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
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I do! Write the easy parts first, and fit the rest around it. And then you'll probably have to kill some of the parts that were "easy."
And start with a structure. It doesn't need to have three acts; a structure can be a top-ten list, or the idea that two big ideas join to make one big idea in the end. I saw a one-man show in which @jefferyself went through a list of every man he's slept with, in alphabetical order. I loved it because you, the audience member, always had a sense of how far into the show/alphabet we were, and also because, um, two of the guys on the list were father and son.
So, start with a structure, drop in the easy parts. Oh, also -- the world does not care about your feelings unless they are funny, allow the audience to feel superior to you, or both.
I think that (plus a working knowledge of Keynote) might be the limit of my knowledge on this topic. Good luck! -
Thank you! And what a great question. I would tell those students that they did the right thing by dedicating four years to actual academics (in the sense that the Ivies typically do not allow you to major in business, communications, or other vocational degrees, the point being that a real education is not identical to job training, and that a real education should not consist of a skill set that becomes outdated). So that's a start. But, at graduation, a second education begins: how to get by in the world, how to forge a career, and -- oh-so-importantly -- how to get things done outside of institutions. The fact that your education did not prepare you for this is not a failure of your education. It is simply the next phase -- one in which most of the people you want to learn from are not in the Ivy League.
Incidentally, I wrote a column that you might enjoy on Using College Skills to Succeed After College: http://thegrindstone.com/strategy/bullish-using-your-college-skills-to-succeed-after-college/ -
It went well, at least from my perspective! But perhaps it would be better to ask an audience member. There was some serious punctuation going on. I added a short segment about The Bachelorette ("dot dot dot" vs. "period"). There was an interrobang, a factorial, and some making fun of those "no swearing" signs in Virginia Beach. The History of Women in 60 Minutes is the last show for the year, this Tuesday: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/183944
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Hi there! That is very flattering that you asked, so thank you. I wasn't really aware that my standup was being missed (or, at least, my hosting and curating?) Right now, my life is quite full of other good things that seem to be benefitting others and that consequently are much more in demand, so it's hard to imagine taking time away from my nerdy/educational shows, Bullish, and educational authoring in order to do more standup. Actually, it was not so much fun to constantly have to try to plug a free standup show at Pete's -- I think performing one run of shows per year is more my speed. I only like to go where I'm invited (and not to have to pester people). It's really the same strategy I have in business -- if you have to hard-sell people, then you maybe you should stop annoying your fellow humans and instead come up with something they actually want. Comedy can be a sort of combative profession already, so I hate to also have to dredge up an audience all the time. That said, Ladybits Comedy is due for a resurgence! I don't know how often I will take the stage, and I don't know if there will be a cover, but clearly NYC needs more lady-comedy (with pun-filled monikers). Follow @ladybitscomedy on Twitter to make sure you get updated when that happens. Thanks for your question!
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I saw Peter Pan in the Navy base theater with my dad in the early '80s. We dropped acid before, of course.
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Hi there. I had to really think about this. I certainly have been moving towards offering coaching and consulting services, but I haven't officially launched that yet and don't have policies in place. Do you really think your situation is so particular that I wouldn't be able to answer it publicly as part of the column? Feel free to email me at jen ..at .. jenniferdziura.com to discuss. And thank you for reading, of course.
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It's just a funny number. But keep in mind -- while it is not possible to, say, "give 110%," it is perfectly possible to have a 10,053% percent INCREASE. It's hyperbole, but mathematically sound hyperbole!
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Yes. And the troops -- we can thank them for all they do for our country, and still acknowledge that many of them have unacceptable views about women. One soldier in Djibouti who was upset that I didn't want to hang out when I was off the clock commented that my coming all the way to Africa and then not engaging in flirtatious banter with him was like "bringing in a warm Thanksgiving turkey and not letting anybody have any."
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I do think that the unexamined life can be entirely worth living, especially in the sense that most of us would take whatever kind of life we can get, since what else is there? There are adults who have the mental age of infants but who lucked out in getting awesome parents who care for them and entertain them (pinwheels! shadow puppets!), and I think those people have lives that are far superior to being dead.
Additionally, I read a study once that said that some sexual abuse victims were not benefiting from years of years of therapy, and that sometimes the best thing is just to not think about it. Shocker, right, that you might be happier not constantly rehashing that time you were touched by an uncle?
I am an introvert who examines things, but it's a pretty base instinct to try to construct a logical argument for the superiority of one's own personality type when the real underlying goal is simply to posit one's own superiority. -
This question is way more about you than it is about me, but I can really only think of the one song, and if you hadn't just mentioned it, I probably could've thought of zero songs. But I think I accept that, under the conceits of the song -- in which frogs talk, sing, and have human emotions -- there is a constructed world in which there are many songs about rainbows. In fact, in this world, I imagine that songs about rainbows are as plentiful as songs about sexual attraction are in our world. A puppet turns on the radio and says, "Another rainbow ditty. So cliche."
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I'm okay with people who are into other humans who are of legal age! So, yes. I mean, maybe it would be creepy if you had a nice blonde wife with 20/20 vision and you manipulated her into dying her hair and wearing glasses she didn't need and then you told her if she wanted intimacy, she'd have to recite the Camus quotes you emailed her. So, that would be too much.
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I wouldn't say I need a cat-sitter all that regularly, but I do need a non-creepy one who is probably a girl who likes to sit on the floor and play with cats. You can read my scathing Yelp review of my last "cat sitter" here: http://www.yelp.com/biz/big-paws-little-claws-new-york#hrid:2vgupbeoZ_V-noYQ1SSEsw
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Please enjoy this video of a monkey trying to rape a goat: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UHup5B_cpaU So, yes, basically the same as it is now.
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On land, ninjas; at sea, pirates. Little-known fact: ninjas sink like stones.
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Jennifer Dziura’s Bio
Career columnist, educational humorist, spelling bee host. I make learning 10,053% more palatable.
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