[warning: very dark answer.]

yeah well, there's some of that, mainly at the beginning. not comprehending recurs long after the initial shock as well. sometimes i forget, or, worse, i remember so vividly that it's difficult to understand that she's gone.

i mean, even as a pure thought experiment, it's hard to sit down and imagine _anyone_ dying, much less someone you love. humans don't like to confront death when it's not overly abstracted into some pretty, slippery fiction or overly refined into statistics or 100 character news headlines, and it's for a reason. it's horrible fucking shit to think that someone you love and enjoy and know so well can just end, indefinitely, with no chance of coming back and no tapings or reruns. death ain't like canceling the oprah show.

are you thinking about it? cause pretty quickly you'll hit the pits of existential dread, the shit-everyone-i-know-and-love-will-die-especially-me and your heart will sink and your brain will go ABORT ABORT ABORT, YOU STUPID FUCKER. STOP IT. you'll have to stop.

anyway, when you first find out, it's that feeling of dropping but a million times worse. it goes almost immediately into angry denial for that reason. no, this isn't happening. it's an impossibility! thus, it can't happen! no, there's a mistake, it's not happening, nope. LOGIC SAYS YOU'RE WRONG, DEATH.

but death is life's mistress and it is in fact you who is wrong. then you must deal with all of the emotions: sadness, resentment, self-loathing, regret, and a shit ton of pain, amongst others. and someday, even if it seems impossible [as many things seem to seem], you will feel better. not about the death; you will always feel bad about that. but the impossibility will have sunk in, to not peace but a vague acceptance, a i-don't-like-it-but-i-think-i-kinda-get-it, and it's from that tenuous agreement where you can move on into the rest of your life without your loved one.

shit's scary.