Have a question you want me to answer? Ask away!
Recent Responses
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I think most of us would feel more like kindred spirits with *sexual people who choose to be celibate. There are a lot of similar issues that both asexuals and *sexual celibate people face, so we can relate in that way, and I've found that celibate people tend to react to asexuality with particularly enthusiastic support. Just the other day I had an interaction with a celibate person who had the "Wow, asexuals are AWESOME!" reaction, in fact. I don't see why asexuals would see celibate people as tourists or wannabes, however, there are some reasons why asexuals might come into conflict with celibate people. The enthusiasm they have for asexuality can be a little too much sometimes, and it can feel like we are being idealized or even fetishized (by that I mean in the same sense that some Western people get overly obsessed with Japan because they think it's the most amazing place, and by extension Japanese people, not necessarily a sexual fetishization). A lot of times the reasons why celibate people see us as kindred spirits are not reasons that we agree with, especially in the case of religious celibacy. Asexual people are often assumed to be religious due to the confused conflation of asexuality and celibacy, but in fact many of us are atheists, some of whom even actively oppose religion. So while we generally support celibacy as a legitimate life choice, we sometimes oppose the specific reasons why some people choose to be celibate. If someone is celibate because they've actually thought hard about it and come to the conclusion that that's the best choice for them, awesome! But if someone is only celibate for religious reasons, believes that celibacy is the only good choice, pushes celibacy onto other people and/or believes that asexuals are "purer" or "more enlightened" because we don't feel sexual attraction... well, those people are not so likely to be considered "kindred spirits" to asexuals.
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It's possible you might be, however it's also fairly common for *sexual people to feel that way too, especially as they age (from what I understand). The key difference is that the asexual people don't feel any kind of sexual attraction, while the *sexual people do. So, are there still people that you get turned on by in some way, and would have sex with if not for being primarily concerned with emotional connection? If so, you are probably not asexual. Only you can know for sure, and sometimes it can be very difficult to figure out exactly what "sexual attraction" means. Give yourself some time to think about it, and realize that it's okay not to know the answer!
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Knowing how to bring up topics like this is always tricky. For me personally, whenever I have a serious issue to discuss it always helps to write down what I want to say beforehand, even if I intend to just talk it out without actually giving the person the letter I wrote. Sometimes the conversation doesn't go as well as I'd expected, and in that case it's useful to write a letter to explain what you mean without interruptions. Or sometimes it is so daunting to even begin the discussion that I just use the letter to start it. Your girlfriend may not understand at first, and may feel rejected. Gently try to reassure her as much as possible that even though you're not sexually attracted to her, you still love her and want to make it work between you in whatever way that you can. She may need some time to process it, so give her some space if she needs it. Other than that, I can't think of much else to tell you right now--you may find some of the recent guest posts on the blog helpful, though. Best of luck!
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Nope, it's totally understandable, and I kinda feel that way myself, although I tend to be conflicted about it. Sometimes I have actually felt a little sad when I felt my partner wasn't very attracted to me, because I felt like I couldn't fulfill what she was looking for. I think having these feelings is not only understandable, but also allows you to have more empathy for your girlfriend, if she feels rejected because you don't feel sexually attracted to her, which could be very helpful when you do raise the issue with her.
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Sorry it's taken me a while to get back to you on these! Something unexpected came up, and I've been swamped with work. I don't think it's wrong to identify as asexual in that case. You should identify however you're comfortable identifying. If you feel really uneasy about feeling something similar to sexual attraction, you might identify as gray-asexual if that's more comfortable for you, but some people who occasionally experience sexual attraction do identify as just asexual, because they feel that it's still most accurate. Also, keep in mind that there's no shame in identifying as asexual and then later changing your mind. Some of our best allies have done that. Whatever works for you, works! Don't listen to people who tell you you're wrong to identify that way.
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Of course. :) You can post as many times as you want--and if you have a longer question, you can post more than once, or email me if you want. Whichever is more comfortable for you! I know some people don't like giving their email or IP address.
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Haha, it's blue. Usually medium - deep blues in particular. Purple is a close second.
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Hm… well, for me personally, in my current situation, it’s fairly easy to respond to. The assumption that just because I’m asexual I won’t “put out” is bad in the first place, and depending on the situation I may or may not correct it. Usually if I do correct it, I will say something like, “You shouldn’t assume that all asexuals don’t want to have sex, some of them are sexually active, for whatever reason.” That way they’re free to make whatever assumption they want about my own sex life without directly asking me. Then I will point out that they’re just flat-out wrong. Being engaged myself and having had my partner plainly state that while she would like to have sex with me, she would still want to be in a romantic relationship with me even if we never had sex (and indeed, we’ve gone long stretches of time without), it’s fairly easy for me to counter these arguments with personal experience. But for someone without that kind of personal experience, I understand it can be much harder! I’ve had those worries that nobody would ever want to date me because I’m asexual myself. I used to try to keep in mind examples of successful asexual couples that I knew of from browsing AVEN, but there’s also other hard evidence that you can find to contradict this idea. For example, the very existence of Celibate Passions, an online dating site specifically geared towards people who want celibate romance and friendships, disproves the notion that nobody would want to date a person who doesn’t want to have sex. You can link to it as proof, and if people continue to insist that nobody is interested against hard evidence contradicting them, then they are being unreasonable and it’s totally fair to point that out. If the conversation continues to devolve—and I know that some people would even go so far as to predict eventual relationship failures, which they see as somehow inevitable—I’d just advise you to calmly tell them they have no basis to be making such claims and that they should drop it. If they won’t, feel free to take whatever steps you need to in order to get them to leave you alone.
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…Yes, dear. That is indeed a burning question. And one which I am not qualified to answer. I’m glad I know it’s not someone actually looking for one!
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I have heard some people report “becoming asexual” before, however I’m unclear on what exactly they mean by that. I do think that sexuality in general has at least some degree of fluidity, but it’s not the type of thing you can consciously influence. You can’t “become asexual” by sheer force of will, and people who report having done so likely do not mean asexual in the same way that we mean it. I think those people are talking about being celibate, and not realizing that there’s a difference between celibacy and asexuality (covered elsewhere on this blog ad nauseum, so I won’t go over it again). There are, however, a few people within the asexual community who used to identify as sexual and have said that they did feel sexual attraction prior to a certain point in their lives, at which point they say they became asexual. I’m recalling some very old forum posts on sites I’ve long since stopped visiting, so I can’t give any specific examples (and for privacy reasons it probably wouldn’t be best to do so anyway), but as far as I can recall, most of them felt that they were on the low end of the scale of sexual attraction or somewhere in the gray area between asexual and sexual. We tend to tread cautiously in cases where a person says that they’ve had a sudden, drastic drop in their level of interest in sex, as that can be a symptom of a number of different health conditions. If that sounds like you, then it’s a good thing to get checked out.
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Posted a long response to this on the blog, too long to copy & paste: http://grasexuality.wordpress.com/2012/01/29/qa-viii/
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Actually, I already use that term! :) The way I define it, sensual attraction is about wanting that skin-to-skin feeling, wanting to indulge in something that engages the senses without necessarily being sexual with one another. It’s not so much just wanting to cuddle, but more about wanting to be close in a sufficiently epicurean way. Like lying close while feeding each other grapes, for example.
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Thanks, I'm trying! It's sometimes hard to keep up with blog stuff and RL stuff, but anyway, I'm glad you enjoy it :)
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(cont. from previous) What is your relationship like? Are you monogamous? How has your partner responded? How comfortable are you with sexual activities? Like, is sex totally off the table here or are you okay with it sometimes? Etc. That kind of context will help me understand your situation better, so my advice will be more helpful. I suspect it'll be too much info to provide on formspring, so you can email me directly at grasexuality [at] gmail [dot] com. Sorry for the delay, I will do my best to help. :)
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I'll be out of town for this weekend, so I probably won't be able to get to this for several days, but I just wanted to make sure you know that I'm not ignoring it. (There's a Q&A post I've already written that's scheduled to go up in my absence.) In the meantime, if you could provide a little more context, that would help me to answer the question better. For example... (cont.)
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Well, you see, asexuals are the opposite of sexuals. Therefore, they masturbate at the exact opposite angle. In fact, they masturbate upside down. In the air. Yes, they masturbate in the open air, hanging upside down from an airplane. Setting up for their masturbatory sessions is a pain in the ass, so they don't do it too often.
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My girlfriend is certainly not a myth, THAT'S for sure!
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Elizabeth’s Bio
I'm a 20-something asexual woman who is partnered to a bisexual trans woman, so everyone who doesn't know better thinks we're lesbians. I also have sex sometimes, and people like to ask me how that works. I'll answer all questions asked here on my blog.
