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All responses Most smiled responses
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Definitely send it in pieces. Sorry there's not a better solution!
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Check the site, but you can e-mail it or submit it in pieces. Just help me out and label the parts (1), (2), (3) and so on.
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Awesomeness is a word. An awesome word full of awesomosity.
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BOOOO!! :) But thanks for being a reader. Warms my little heart.
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This is one of the worst kinds of situations you can find yourself in — the awkward “Someone thinks we’re much better friends than we really are” situation. You find these a lot, like you said, in the bar circle. We’ve all been there, right? You’re a regular at a happy hour, you hang out with other regulars, you share your good news, bad news, stories … and then when the drinks go back to full price, you go home and everybody’s living their own lives again.
In 2004 when I was planning my ill-fated first wedding, I ran into this more than you can believe. Friends of friends and their friends all expecting an invitation. When I did my first version of a guest list, by the time I included all of those “proxies” so nobody would get hurt, I had 600 names on the list.
Enter your red pen. But it sounds like you’re past this point, and I really do commend you for sticking to your guns and saying that this wedding is small, intimate, and no, there’s no room for stragglers.
If you gave her a “Well, I’ll see what we can do,” the next time you see her tell her that you worked some numbers, and you’re really sorry, but you just couldn’t make extra room. You’re not lying, just softening the blow a little. If this is a person you wouldn’t mind having at the wedding, you could always tell her if someone cancels, she can slide into the spot.
Above all? It’s your party. Nobody, especially someone you didn’t even use the word “friend” to describe, should make you second-guess, feel bad or give you anxiety. -
You can really go two schools of thought here: The direct approach, or the cover-up.
If you feel comfortable with the direct approach, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with saying, politely, with a smile, “I’m not really comfortable talking about my personal life. I’m sure you understand.” If you found the question particularly offensive, you can tack that on as well. We’re all grownups here, and that’s a pretty grownup response. (And less strained than telling someone to buzz off.)
If you’re not comfortable with the direct approach, I understand. I’m the kind of person who will go to epic lengths sometimes to avoid confrontation. So, are you doing wrong by telling a little white lie?
Maybe it’s because I’m a closet conspiracy theorist, or maybe it’s living in Washington that’s done it to me, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s never the lie that gets you brought down — it’s the cover-up. That lie you told may require another lie, and then another one, and another one and before you know it, you were not only president of your high school class, but in your spare time, you feed Guatemalan orphans. Way to go. You’re really hosed now.
But I’m not going to tell you I’m not guilty of everybody’s favorite, stand-by white lie: “Oh, I’m fine.” Because, truly, sometimes, that’s just the easiest thing to say, and offers you the best escape hatch.
Best plan: Assess the situation. If an “I’m fine” will get you out of it and you don’t want confrontation, go that route. But know that if you take the direct approach, that’s your best line of defense against a followup question or six. -
You know what? I’m going to confess something here. I didn’t actually see any of the “Star Wars” movies the whole way through until I was 29 years old. Swear. Only then did I watch because I was being schooled, as it were, on the whole franchise. I’ll be honest. I could have lived without it. However, I don’t feel like I can fully embrace my status as pop-culture nerd of nerds without that frame of reference.
There are plenty of nerdy women out there (speaking as one) and plenty of non-nerdy women out there love nerds. In fact, if I think about it, I couldn’t be with someone in a long term relationship who wasn’t mostly a nerd. I swoon for statistics and random trivia.
But, Jacque, you say. Some women turn their nose up at a guy with a video game habit. True. They’re not my thing, but if you’re not ignoring me to play another round of “World of Warcraft” on your PC while I flip through channels wondering if you’re planning on remembering I’m around, we’re cool. There’s a time for everything. Find that time.
Let your nerd shine. Loud and proud, baby.
Your nerd princess is out there. She may be in another castle, though. So remember to get off your nerd ass once in a while to look around. -
It’s funny how interconnected all of this installment’s questions are, isn’t it? (See above).
I think this goes back to our previous edition, when I talked about how a goodly portion of women immediately pigeonhole men into categories. Listen — again — ladies: This is not a sock drawer. Men do not need to be categorized by type, color and fabric. You don’t need to look at Gentleman No. 1 and say, “Oh, he’ll never amount to anything other than being my friend.” This is exactly like deciding you won’t go a restaurant because you hate the way it looks. Some of the best food I’ve had in my life have come out of questionable looking places.
I think your answer to your second part is simple: Inside most every woman, there’s that little voice that says, “Latch on to this bad boy. That sounds fun!” Or, the ever-popular, “Well, I think with a little work I could fix him.” Women are fixers, by nature. Hell, I’m probably the poster child for “fixer.” As for the bad boy, it’s probably fun for the first 48 hours, and then, meh.
So, why? Because most women are entirely too blind to see the nice guy standing in front of them. Or, if they do see them, please refer to the first question if they’re in a relationship with said loser.
My advice: You sound like a nice guy. Don’t change who you are, even for a minute. There is a woman out there who will embrace, and appreciate, you for being that nice guy. Conversely, don’t close your eyes to any nice girls who may be standing in front of you, either. I don’t care if she’s not your type. There you go, putting her in a sock drawer.
And round and round we go … -
Quite simply, while it may seem that way, no, they’re not really always taken. (See first question, chiefly, and follow with question two.)
This is a common lament of a lot of my friends in their late 20s and early 30s, especially those who’ve been divorced or coming out of years-long relationships. What’s the issue? Timing. Timing — such a cruel beast. Right guy, wrong time. Wrong guy, right time. Such a fine line for how it breaks, one way or the other, isn’t?
But, you know what the joy of timing is? It’s constantly changing. Today won’t be the same as tomorrow, and tomorrow won’t be the same as three months from now. Timing has a funny way of sneaking up on you, too. Life’s fun like that.
Good luck. Don’t give up. Don’t give in. -
If you ever succeed in unlocking this mystery, you’ll be a millionaire many times over and living on a boat in Monaco where you’ll never, ever have to be in a bad relationship again.
Why stay? Any number of reasons, if we’re not talking about married couples. Laziness, having things tied up financially, wanting to avoid the inevitable drama that will come from ending a long-term relationship, fear of the fallout of ending things, fear that maybe this is as good as it gets, not wanting to be “the bad guy,” not wanting to put someone out on the street. Those are just the first ones that come to mind. I’m sure if I gave it extra thought, I could hit 10 more.
I know most shrinks will tell you, “Oh, it’s a self-esteem issue. They don’t love themselves enough to leave.” I’m here to tell you in most cases, that’s patent bullshit. Read the previous paragraph, and I think I’ve covered about 99 percent of people who stay in bad relationships. I’m not talking abusive relationships, I’m talking about just bad relationships. (By all means, if you’re in an abusive one, to hell with laziness and complacency — get out.)
It’s not about loving yourself. It is about realizing your time on earth is limited and you deserve better than to spend it miserable. Sometimes you have to pull the trigger. Sometimes you have to be the bad guy. And, sometimes, all you need is a push in that direction. -
Ah, jeez. Has someone been watching their DVD of “When Harry Met Sally”? I kid. Mostly.
Quote: “What I’m saying is – and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form – is that men and women can’t be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.”
The friendship dynamic between a man and a woman is the most difficult friendship dynamic known — and let me go out on a limb here and add this extra layer — if you allow it to be. When you speak of intense friendships, are you meaning friendships with an undercurrent of tension?
I may be your atypical female (I like the human theater of WWE, I can explain what icing is and I get emotional at the end of “Major League — all while I bake a tray of brownies and season the roasted chicken), but if I were to think of the three people I would consider to be my three closest friends, one of them is … wait for it … a male. When I was getting to know this friend, it never occurred to me, even once, to pigeonhole him into one of two categories: Man I could date — or — Man with whom I could have some sort of complicated, intense friendship. It never even occurred to me to make that choice a couple of years back. (I’m not one for labels and categories, if you haven’t noticed.)
I think a lot of women spend a great deal of time analyzing every gesture from a male friend, and that, dear reader, is what complicates friendships. Does it occur to you to mind if your best female friend doesn’t call you for a few days? Likely not. But most women in a friendship with a man will think, “Where’d he go? What happened? Is he seeing somebody and he’s afraid to tell me? Did I say something wrong? Do I look fat in that dress I wore to the picnic? Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.”
Ladies, stop thinking. If there’s one thing I’ve learned my 31 questionable years on this planet, you’re only guaranteed today, and if you spend today making a male try to fit into one drawer or the other, it’s going to be you and your cats when you’re 65, because you’re going to drive the good ones away.
But to touch just briefly on your last point, yes — Ideally, the best boyfriends or girlfriends are you best friends with benefits. It’s a truly rare find when you get one of those. Very few people do. -
Drink. Heavily. On their dime, hopefully.
I kid, I kid.
Mostly.
As much as I hate it when people put me in the same kind of situation, the bottom line? It’s not your party. It’s theirs. And as much as you’d like to bring a plus one (because, let’s just face it, life’s better at most events with a plus one), the reality of your situation dictates that’s not going to happen.
So your choices are: Go, don’t interact with anybody and be miserable; go, thank the hosts for the invitation, give a polite lap around the room and get the hell out after 30 minutes; go and will yourself to adapt to the situation and have a decent, if not good, time; or, just don’t go.
I’m most likely to go with the third, because I’m a pretty social creature and I can get along with just about anybody in any situation. I also have a good instinct when to cut and run.
It’s not going to kill you to check it out. Being alone at social functions is just part of being a grownup sometimes. But lock your eyes on that open bar. You’ll thank me for that later. -
This one’s a little tough for me because in my circle of close friends, very few of us are parents. My exposure to these kinds of situations is low, so I’m going to answer this one based on instinct alone and hope I don’t hose you. (Of course, commenters are welcome to jump in and give me a hand, too.)
There are few things in life people are more proud of than their children. This especially goes for first-time parents, and when you add the anxiety and guilt of having Snowflake in the custody of anybody but Mom and Dad, the situation gets even worse.
The direct approach in this case (much like, “Holy crap, your kid is faaaaaaaat!”) will likely do more harm than good. Nobody wants to be told about a great night out, and oh, by the way, your ill-behaved kids aren’t invited. So, try a little reverse psychology — a “Mom and Dad night on the town,” if you will. Drinks, dinner, post-dinner drinks — you know, a grown-up night. Now, this may cost you a little bit up front, but once you break this seal, your chances of seeing Mom and Dad sans Snowflake likely go up exponentially.
Oh, and suck it up once in a while. That little bit of goodwill every so often keeps the wheels greased. -
Is there a polite way to tell you that your ass looks like a drive-in theater screen in white pants? Not really. The same thing goes for telling the parent of a child (who isn’t your child) to lay off giving them hamburger gravy for breakfast.
If this is a family you’re particularly chummy with, how about inviting the child along for outdoor activities, or making sure there are healthful things for this kid to eat if he’s ever in your company? Instead of pointing out what they likely already know (their kid is its own planetary system), you could try to be helpful with your actions instead of your words. If this is, say, the child of a co-worker, you’re best to say nothing. A smile and a generic compliment like, “He’s cute,” can go a long, long way in deflecting what could become a very uncomfortable situation. (And it’s not a lie. I’ve seen plenty of cute obese kids. My heart just aches for what they’re going to face down the road.)
No parent, whether close friend or casual acquaintance, wants to have their potential parenting shortcomings thrust in their face. You can’t parent kids that aren’t yours, and there’s no basic skills test to be a parent. I see children every single day I want to parent, but I have to put down the urge to tell their parents how to raise their spawn and walk away.
I think your heart is in the right place, but you better be careful on the delivery. You drop this bomb in the wrong manner, and you’re going to have this coming back up on you like a bad burrito. -
No.
Want to know why? I’m still alive. I’m still alive, you’re still alive and millions of other people who have had their still-beating hearts ripped out of their chests are still alive.
I’m not saying it doesn’t suck. It sucks. It sucks so bad. Has a broken heart made me feel like I wanted to die? Sure. And I’m willing to bet almost everybody in the world’s felt the same way.
But at some point, you realize your heart has been kicked around, but not broken beyond repair. You deal with the pain, and you move on. That’s one thing about life — it always moves on. No matter how dark and cold it feels right now, life, inevitably moves on.
You have to have a hand in that, though. So no more moping. I mean it. Stop. Right now. Dust yourself off, apply Band-Aids where needed and start to live again. Every day you remain brokenhearted is another day you’re losing to what’s causing the pain — an ex, a death, a lost job — and you’re better than that, and inside, you know it. You just needed to hear it again.
Good luck. -
OK, I'm not trying to diminish,<em> at all</em>, what you may be going through, but if you phrase it with, "What if I start killing people and shit?" I'm pretty sure you're not in as bad a place as you may believe.
We all repress parts of ourselves; whether we consciously own up to it is another matter. That said, if you're actually feeling like you could possibly be a danger to others (or, even yourself), do yourself the favor of speaking with your therapist about it. Jail is not sexy, and nobody really wants to be there. In my experience, as well, 99 percent of the people you want to kill aren't worth the effort, either. I can't see myself doing time for the guy who smacked me with his carry-on bag on the train or the YMCA dodge ball official who cheated my team in 2004.
I'm pulling for you, though. Keep me posted. -
You know, doesn't it always seem like life's a neverending stream of questions from well-meaning, yet poor-mannered people? First it's, "So, when are you getting married?" and then if you get married, it inevitably turns into, "So ... when do you plan on starting your family." Makes me want to punch a kitten. Seriously.
A very good friend of mine came up with a clever answer to the married question: "Whenever it's legal." You can imagine the awkwardness that follows dropping that one on your pushy Aunt Beulah as she puts another helping of potato salad on your Chinet. It gets the point across, calmly, in a non-confrontational way, and it's got just enough zing on it to discourage any follow-ups.
As for how you handle your question, how about the answer I'm fond of giving, when I'm asked: "When I'm not too selfish to be a parent." It serves a couple of purposes. It shows you mean business, the topic's not really open for further discussion and if you say it with just the right amount of icy and sweet, it can make someone feel like a real piece of work for invading your privacy in that way.
There are some people, no matter how common it's become, who cannot accept that not everybody wants to be a parent. It completely blows their mind, and I say that as someone who someday, if it all shakes out right and seems like a plan, will probably have a child. Will I be devastated if I don't? Nah. I like the thought of waking up at noon on a Saturday and deciding that today's the day to drive to St. Louis for no good reason.
Try that out next time, though. Let me know how it goes over. -
Oh, weddings. The one life event that can turn people ugly quicker than anything. Let's just say when Jacque Jo's wedding reception in 2005 featured not only an open bar, but "Baby Got Back," it left a very sour taste in the heartland contingent.
That said, if as far as the toast goes is "recent hard times," I don't think you're out of line, especially if the couple managed to persevere through these bumps. The fact they did so is a good indicator, you know? When times got tough, nobody got stabbed or evicted. That should be acknowledged on their wedding day. In the toast, I wouldn't go as far as saying, "And to Kim and Kyle, who made it through Kyle's dad banging his secretary while Kyle's mom was in intensive car ..." but to pretend it didn't happen at all would be disingenuous.
Keep it vague, keep it sweet. The focus on that day should be on the happy couple, not the unhappy parents. And, if the parents are any kind of adults, they'll leave their animosity in the car and put on the face for the kid's sake. -
Breakups are always so awkward, even on amicable terms. No, scratch that. Especially on amicable terms. So, first, definitely my sympathies there.
Why he’s reading? I think it goes back to the amicable split (presuming it was). If the split was amicable, then I’d say he genuinely is concerned with your overall well-being. Don’t kid yourself, though — that doesn’t mean he isn’t checking to make sure you’re not doing the aforementioned shit-talking. Here’s a question for your own self-evaluation, though: Why do you care? Would you hold back saying something you were really feeling because you were concerned about his reaction? Would you write something just to hurt him?
I blogged the entire time I was dating, engaged and married to my former husband. The first time he ever read my blog was the weekend I moved into my new place. I never, ever let it stop me from being myself, even knowing he may be reading. Don't you do it either. Good luck.
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Jacque Jo’s Bio
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