let me start by saying i could fill a book with my thoughts on negativity on the internet. it's sad to see some people's behavior online and how they choose to spend their time- and their words- but the bottom line is: it's just part of being online.

it took me a few years to build up a thick skin to a point where comments like "you're a stupid bitch" didn't bother me. but i did it. part of running something on the internet where commentary is involved is dealing with the feedback- good and bad.

for some reason it's always easier to phase out the good comments and let the bad ones resonate in your head, but with practice, it becomes easier to put the negative comments in perspective. because if you normally get say, 50 comments a week, and only 2 are negative, it's important to stop and say hey- that's only 2 people. it's not the vast majority and it doesn't do anything to undo the positive things people have said. so when something like that happens try to keep it in perspective with the overall tone of comments happening on the site.

the longer you work online and the more your site grows, the more people are going to want to throw mean, lazy, or hurtful comments your way. here how i deal with it: assess the comment, assess the commenter's pattern, make a rational (not emotional) decision, and let it go. i'll break it down a bit more with an explanation:

1. ASSESS THE COMMENT: this is a tough one to do rationally sometimes, especially because if you work hard on your blog, it's tough to NOT take things personally. but it's important to take a deep breath, step away from the computer, and come back to look at the comment with fresh eyes. is it just negative or is it NASTY? negative comments aren't inherently a bad thing- especially when they're constructive. once the shock of a negative comment has worn off a bit, you'll be better able to address the actual meat of the comment. if it's MEAN, then you might want to consider addressing it, if it's just negative, you'll learn to let it go and let them have their piece.

*one thing i find helpful is to think about negative behavior of my own to put things in perspective. i used to talk SO much crap about celebrities and people on gossip sites. not to their faces, and not in online comment form, but with friends and such. you know "that book she wrote was AWFUL!" or "that dress was a BAD IDEA". did i actually mean anything by those comments? no. were they meant to hurt someone's feelings? no. they were stupid, careless commentary that i've thankfully learned to cut back on. but for some reason when i made that connection between negative comments and my actual intentions behind them i realized that blog comments are often the same- people stopping by, making random commentary, and then leaving. i don't think it means any more or any less sometimes. so try to remember that not everyone leaving a negative comment is trying to personally hurt your feelings or be mean- they're often just making flip statements and not thinking much about the reaction you might have to them.

2. ASSESS THE COMMENTER'S PATTERN: i find it's really helpful to use the IP tool in your blog's comment moderation section to see what the person's previous comments have been. i usually see three things:

a. serial negativity: some people are just going to be negative nancies. and well, they're allowed to be. there's a difference between negativity and nastiness, so if someone's clearly tuning in every week to leave comments like "well i HAVE to disagree- this is TERRIBLE" then that's just their game. just be happy you don't feel so upset that you need to say something negative twice a day and let them have their piece. (of course, if it escalates to attacks and rants, you might want to step in and address the issue or defend the person about whom you posted)

b. drop-by-deadbeats: i personally feel a sigh of relief when i realize a jerk comment comes from someone who's never read the site or never commented. usually they're not a regular reader and they probably stop by other people's sites doing the same thing. it's always fun to google that person's handle (assuming they left a comment that warrants those few extra minutes) to see what they say on other people's sites. i often find that the same people go around lots of sites leaving little gems behind. for those people, i take a deep breath, realize they're just stopping in for a second, and let it go.

c. first time negatives: i take these comments most seriously. if someone normally says constructive things and then out of the blue feels REALLY strongly or angry about something i weigh those more heavily. why? because they've established they're a mature member of the commenting community and they're not just there to throw stupid comments around. for that reason i'll either just let the comment go, or try to engage (via email or the comment section, depending on the severity of their anger/negativity) with them to see if we can understand each other better, or if i can learn something from the situation. loyal readers who are upset about something can often can be the most helpful people to learn from.

3. LET IT GO: this is something i've finally gotten to after 6 years. 99% of the snarky crap that people leave on my site, email, or twitter i have to just let roll off my back. to engage in that discussion, for the most part, is to give weight to their comment and give them the sort of response they're craving- to make you upset. don't give them the satisfaction. you have two choices:

a. publish their comment and let it stand as a sign that it doesn't bother you. i find often other commenters will say something to counteract them, or not respond, just letting the lone angry person stew there by themselves.

b. don't publish their comment. this is something not all bloggers feel the same about, but i feel strongly about the fact that if someone wants to act like an asshole, they don't deserve to be part of the discussion. but of course, the limits of asshole-ery have to be established. for me, if a comment involves cursing, racism, or personal attacks, it don't go through, period. a magazine wouldn't publish a letter to the editor like that, and neither do i. if you want to talk on my site, you have to act like an adult. meaning, if someone wants to strongly disagree or lodge a complaint and can do so without cursing or the obligatory "THIS SUCKS" then by all means, let's have a discussion. but you're well within your right as a the owner of a blog to set parameters on what the conversation will be on your site. make the rules clear, and enforce them.

i could go on and on about this topic (i've been thinking about doing some online or in-person seminars about blogging topics so maybe this is something to address) but i hope the ideas above will help. when you take the time to put things in perspective, assess the nature of the comment and commenter, and make a rational (not emotional) decision, you'll form a pattern that makes it easier, over time, to deal with negativity on your site.


good luck!

grace :)