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All responses Most smiled responses
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Dear threes company,
Everything is good for you except for cell phones and diet coke. Threesomes are great for you, assuming you know how to use them. On the other hand, entering into that sort of sexual behaviour when you aren't totally prepared can be far more dangerous than aspartame.
People who find themselves proposing threesomes usually have some sort of emotional disconnect when it comes to sex. It is crucial that anyone who is going to participate in a threesome, find that disconnect. This is especially important if you're involved in any sort of long term or potentially long term relationship. If you can look at your husband, wife, boyfriend, or cat, performing felatio on another person without seeing it as a form of infidelity, you're ready. Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on how you want to look at it, most of us could never do that.
Sexual experimentation with two or more people isn't unnatural and it isn't inherently dangerous. I don't think it's healthy for a person to live their life without a certain amount of variety. I'm not saying go out and find a tranny or get involved in threesomes, but sexual stagnation is unhealthy. Mix things up. Threesomes aren't for everyone but if it works for you, it could be just what you need.
Thanks for writing,
Chuck. -
Dear thunder,
Cellulite is the accumulation of fat cells which bulge and pull at the connective tissue of the skin. When the connective tissue is stretched to its limit, the skin around those cells remains tight over the muscle or fat of the thigh creating bumps. That's what makes your thighs look like porridge. So how do you stir that rocky road into a delicious Frosty? The same way you lose any fat.
Take care of yourself. Eat properly, cut down on the toxins you ingest (cigarettes, alcohol, etc), and exercise. The problem with cellulite is that the fat has actually damaged the natural elasticity of the skin. That's why it doesn't snap back into it's original shape after quick weight loss. This means that losing the cellulite means more than cutting weight off, it means leaving it off.
Picture an actual elastic band. The band is being pulled to its limit and held in place. If you held the band there for 3 minutes and then took it off, you wouldn't notice a difference, the band would snap back to its normal size. If you left it there for a year, it might shrink a little, but it would never fully return. That's what you're doing to your drumsticks right now. The longer you leave that skin pulled to its max, the less chance you will have of seeing it snap back.
Thanks for writing,
Chuck. -
Dear in and out of love,
Each person has to choose their own path because the road isn't the same for everyone. He "repeatedly treats you like crap". Your phrasing could mean that he works late and doesn't come home with flowers or it could mean that he hits you. For a lot of women, it could be either way and they'd still be asking the same question, even though the answer might be clear to someone on the outside. I've dated women who would say I treat them like crap because I go to the gym everyday instead of spending that time with them. It all depends on your definitions.
You aren't together right now. The cases on the extreme of this spectrum, should stay that way. On the other hand, if you're upset because he didn't get out of bed to grab your chapstick, get the fuck over it.
Most likely, you're somewhere in between and if that's the case, you're going to have to make a decision. If this is something you can work out, talk to him and I'm sure he'll comply. If you can't, then you never will.
Thanks for writing,
Chuck. -
Dear love or marriage,
The answer lies in the question. The problem is that your goal isn't love or a managable life, but rather a successful marriage. What's a successful marriage if not both managable and loving? That's just sex with someone you don't like. I can find that for you on craigslist. If you view life in terms of sacrificing something you want in order to get something that you feel like you should want, you're just going to end up with something you don't want. If your goal isn't happiness but the appearance of happiness, you're going to end up doing more settling than the commonwealth of Kentucky.
It's questions like this one that are the reason we have so many divorces today. It's also the reason why we still have ANY marriages. Happiness is fleeting and people don't realize or understand when they've found it. We date until we're happy and then we get married. We're married until we're happy and then we have kids. We raise them until we're happy and then we want to retire. We retire thinking we'll be happy and then we die. No one stops to realize that there aren't times when you'll be happy, there are moments when you WERE happy. . . and then they're gone.
Don't look forward to marriage, or job security, or that managable life. Enjoy the moment. Search for love but don't spend your nights being upset because your single. That one night stand you had in Wainfleet might just have been the happiest moment of your life.
I hope that answers your question.
Thanks for writing,
Chuck. -
Dear puffy and red phone calls,
Obviously, your brother's inner thigh chaffing is caused by the rubbing of his thighs against eachother or against the coarse material of his pants. This is a problem faced by anyone who stands or walks for a large part of their workday. It's also common among weight lifters. Bigger thighs = more friction. So who can you look to for the answer? Police officers? Teachers? Those weight lifters? Nope. Then who?
Babies.
That's right, the answer to this age old question lies in the hands, or should I say thighs, of the largest group of humans that neither walks, nor works. The answer to part a) of your question is: baby powder. To prevent diaper rash, a baby is pretty well bathed in baby powder. The same principle applies to thigh chaffing. Your brother can simply apply baby powder to the affected parts of his legs. Baby powder reduces friction. Reduced friction equals reduced burn. Reduced burn equals more pleasurable jogs.
To part b) and the issue of him calling you. He's telling you about a burn on his thighs. Don't bother with manners. Just tell him to fuck off.
Thanks for writing,
Chuck. -
Dear Perez,
It's understandable to be afraid of such a major step but in the long run, it's just one more step. You've already accepted that you're homosexual. You're probably already, atleast in some way, living the gay lifestyle. Flying your flag, marching in the parade, and speedo raving in front of TD Canada during pride week is the next logical step.
All you have to do to take that rainbow leap is tell someone. Anyone. Doesn't have to be your parents or your best friend or your dog. You can tell anyone.
But why not announce your secret life in the lavish and flamboyent way in which you live it? You need a spectacle. Your sweet sixteen of sorts. Throw yourself a coming out ball. Pronounce yourself a debutant and put yourself on the market.
Not that kind of gay? A little more laid back? Don't want a neon sign announcing your sexual preference? Why don't you combine your desire to come out with the subtlety of the internet. Just change your facebook info. Now you're interested in MEN. Congratulations.
But you know, you could always private message or email me and let me out you in tomorrow's Ask Chuck. What better way to come out than on a website that is inherently anti-women? And if you're a lesbian, there's fewer places on the internet where you will be greater appreciated.
Thanks for writing,
Chuck -
Dear windbag,
Yep.
Thanks for writing,
Chuck. -
Dear public digger,
If you love it so much, why don't you marry it?
Seriously, if it makes you happy and you like the taste, munch away. If you're gonna pick your nose, I'd rather you eat it than flick it at something that I might touch. The problem here is that the general public doesn't want to see it. All you have to do is turn away when you dig. There's no need to climb a pedestal and shout it from the mountain tops through a Riccolan horn. Pick on the DL and people will pretend they didn't see it.
As far as the friend situation goes. I don't see how picking your nose can be the problem. I'm sure you can find someone who will be your friend despite your hunger for old tears which have combined with mucus and dried in your nasal cavity. There are a lot of people who eat their own boogers. Otherwise, how would you explain East Sushi?
Thanks for writing,
Chuck. -
Dear inches to spare,
This is gonna be a long one.
You're right. Juicing is in right now but I'm not so sure it's the cools kids who are doing it. It seems to be mostly police and if the G20 has taught us anything it is that the police aren't cool.
Personally, I've never taken steroids and I can't imagine that I would ever consider it. I don't even like paying for protein shakes. This has however become a common topic as I watch more and more of my friends and coworkers begin to use. Because I can't speak from experience I'll reference two recent conversations that I've had with two different users.
The first conversation was with a pill steroid user and dealer who has recently (within a year and a half) begun using. When asked, and by asked I mean he just told me, why he chose to use steroids he said, "Everyone is destroying their body with something, whether it's your liver with alcohol or your lungs with cigarettes, or your skin with tanning. I've just chosen a different way to kill myself, one that actually has more substantial benefits." This was probably the first time I found myself actually understanding the use of steroids. I'd always thought that the point of weightlifting was to get women and that the testicular consequences of steroid use kind of negated that need. Now I see that some people just want to be big.
The second conversation was with a long term intravenous steroid user who had been forced to quit. This conversation began with him asking, "You ever crank up?" I hadn't but he had. For about three years until he was hospitalized. He blew out his shin and now walks with a limp. The extended use of steroids caused him to be unable to properly develop muscle through natural means and he shrank down to a size smaller than his pre-steroid period. Surprisingly, he was still not anti-steroid and suggested that I look for "a little help."
I can think of about 30 or so other men that I know who openly use steroids. Every conversation that I've had with them went a little like the above ones: all of their situations ended badly, yet none of them regret the decision to use steroids.
Don't take that as a suggestion to go shoot bullshark testosterone because here's my advice. Don't get involved in that business. You don't need steroids to get big. I know a few, a very select few, who have attained large amounts of muscle without the use of anabolics. It's a hell of a lot cheaper to just use hard work. Even with steroids you'll still have to go to the gym to get that beach body. Just go for an extra half an hour each visit, work as hard as your body will allow, and you'll get the steroid result without the steroid price, financial or otherwise.
Thanks for writing,
Chuck. -
Dear lady of the night,
I'm glad you've posted this question a second time. I wanted to answer it before but since you had posted it as part of an incoherant rant I had had to delete it.
I've never claimed to be an expert. In fact, this page is advertised as horrible advice and solicits general questions not specific to relationships. That isn't to say that I don't have experience in relationships. I assure you, I do. All of my advice is based on first-hand experience and is advice I would give to myself were I to be in that situation. In addition, the advice found on this page and mentioned in the previous several sentences is intended for readers with a sense of humour.
As to why I don't have a girlfriend, I'll once again reach into my skin-tight daisy dukes of experience and tell you that having a girlfriend is far from the key to happiness. Certainly, a girlfriend or boyfriend is often a healthy contribution to a person's feelings of happiness but this isn't always the case. I've never avoided the possibility of a relationship but with my current work, family, and social obligations, it's difficult to find the time.
I hope that answers your question. If not, post it two or three more times. Thanks for your persistance and for writing,
Chuck. -
Dear philosopher,
You're not alone. For centuries men have wondered what it is that makes women so fucking stupid. The mistake that every man inherently makes is the same; you can't compare women to men. That's like comparing apples to smarter, stronger, and more attractive apples. Don't worry though, a comparison can be made.
Let's get this out of the way. Your woman's behaviour? It's your fault. Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Chuck, Chuck, can't I blame her menstual cycles? Can't I blame the moon?" No you can't. If your dog shits on the floor, tears up your couch, or bites strangers, sure it could be something physically or mentally wrong with the dog, but more likely, you just haven't trained it properly. The problem here, is that your woman just hasn't been trained properly.
Don't get me wrong, female insanity isn't entirely your fault. Somewhere along the road horse training and womanry forked off in two different directions. Among many mistakes, there are two events which led us to the disaster of female opinion. The first was the decision to move women out of the stable and into the house. The second was allowing them a say in grownup matters. My cat doesn't get a right to vote. Why should your daughter? And let's be honest, my cat probably has much more to say on the matter.
They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks, but my suggestion in your specific case is to keep trying. Roll up a news paper and the next time she shits on your floor, rub her face in it. Not literally of course, I'm not advocating abuse.
On second thought, if she's shit on your floor, go for it.
Thanks for writing,
Chuck -
Dear more than a friend,
In my experience, the kinkier the shit, the less likely anyone will hear about it. Even plain old vanilla sex will probably not reach the round tables anytime soon. I know girls like to think that guys just hangout and talk about their conquests but the truth is, there's much more important shit to discuss. Like lunch.
That's not to say that I didn't hear about that thing you did. I did, and you disgust me. But that's only cause he and I are close and we weren't drunk enough to talk about 2012.
That brings me to the final part of your question. Is there any chance that all of his friends don't know what happened. Yes, probably much more than you would think. I'd say about 50%. Even if he talks, it will only be to his inner circle of friends and those friends, won't care... unless you're smokin'.
Thanks for writing,
Chuck -
Dear mama,
I was perusing the questions this afternoon when I came across the words "sex" and "my nipples". Then I read the rest. Unfortunately, there's no way to turn your question into a joke.
So let's start with this: congratulations on deciding to go back to school. The answer to your question is see a guidance counselor. That can mean the counselors at the university you attended or even your highschool counselors. My suggestion: go see the highschool ones. They sit around all day, they haven't been broken down by watching everyone fail, and if you don't intend to return to the same university, they're really your only hope.
That's all I have for you. If it's a longer response you're looking for, you might think about writing in with something more thought provoking like sex, extreme sports calendar modeling, or raking. Something I can really sink my teeth into.
Thanks for writing,
Chuck. -
Dear shapely she-wolf,
Human. Men prefer arms, legs, and a head converging at a torso. The torso is considered to be better shaped if it has breasts and a vagina somewhere. That's the general shape. Any improvement upon this base structure is a definite benefit.
As to a specific variation of this structure which is ideal, there isn't one. Unlike women who decide on one thing as a group and then like it blindly, men are intelligent animals, having each created his own set of likes and dislikes which he applies to a mate.
Thanks for writing,
Chuck -
Dear boob variables,
Boobs, like men, come in a variety of shapes and sizes and have learned to adapt to their shortcomings. Each boob establishes greatness in any variety of ways: perkiness, size, placement. As to the perfect boob, its exact size and shape varies according to the opinion of each man but one thing is for certain, these boobs are not real.
Maybe one in 1000 women has naturally perfect breasts and in these cases, the breasts could always be improved with surgery. Now don't go taking this as permission to mope around about how your body is imperfect because your breasts are. If your breasts aren't perfect, no ones are (unless they've invested). Think of it this way, atleast your chances of having perfect breasts are greater than a man's chances of having a perfect dick.
Thanks for writing,
Chuck -
Dear late sex and lawsuits,
Let's deal first with the concept of "using someone for sex." If you're involved in the act by your own volition, he isn't really using you is he? You're just having sex. Using would imply payment or some kind of rape scenario (and not the fun kind of rape scenario, the bad kind). So to answer your question literally, no, he wasn't just using you for sex.
As to whether the sex meant anything: No, it didn't. You had sex, it's familiar and since you can't stand eachother, the only remainder of a relationship that you both once enjoyed.
That having been said, if he's just recently stopped begging you to take him back, it's entirely possible that he thinks you will be getting back together. In this case, it's your fault. You're sending him mixed signals at a very crucial time, with legal proceedings looming and the relationship coming to it's final conclusion. You need to be firm with him and for fuck's sake, stop having sex.
Thanks for writing,
Chuck. -
Dear uptown fade,
I don't think it will come to you as a surprise that men prefer complete baldness. Sure, there are the odd misfits who enjoy a bush or vegetation in the shape of Hello Kitty, but the vast majority of us are for the clear cut.
The reason? Navigation. It's complicated enough down there. It's like driving through a large city that you don't go to very often; you can get around fine with Google maps, but when there's construction, it's not hard to get lost. If you don't already shave down there, start. Make it easy for us. The guy might be driving but the whole trip is about getting you where you're going.
Thanks for writing,
Chuck -
Note to reader, see "Dear BFF".
Dear BFF - Part II,
No. You couldn't have described this guy better. He's a boy. Actually, I take that back. Repeatedly deleting and then friend requesting on Facebook? That's not even respectable in grade school. It sounds to me like this friendship isn't worth salvaging.
My suggestion is to take the final Facebook step and block him. There's nothing worse than hearing people cry all the time and then reading some contrived Hedley lyric about your situation in their status. Cut him loose. I do it all the time.
Thanks for writing,
Chuck. -
Dear anal adventurer,
Yes. Anal sex is extremely dangerous. Fortunately for you, most of those scars are emotional. If you and a friend are considering trying anal sex you should first weigh the emotional consequences of your actions. For example, are you ready for crying? Lots of crying?
The act of anal sex itself is not entirely dangerous assuming that it is performed slowly the first couple of times. It's best to begin on your side. If one partner is on top of the other, gravity can be a harsh taskmaster. Lube is also necessary. Lots of lube.
In addition to the emotional and physical dangers, you also want to ensure that your backdoor partner is trustworthy. Anal sex is like doing cocaine or joining Fight Club, once you're involved everyone else knows. So it goes without saying that the first rule of anal sex club is don't talk about anal sex club.
So now that you're aware of the dangers listed above, you're probably ready to put things in someone's butt (or your own butt). Just ensure that you consider these things BEFORE the sex. It's difficult to concentrate while you're showering, fully clothed, in the fetal position.
Thanks for writing,
Chuck -
Dear lonely drinker,
Unfortunately, guys don't look at anything as "girl-friend" material. Searching for a relationship (for the most part) seems to be a female phenomenon. Girls look for a boyfriend while guys look for a girl, any girl. Guys DO have criteria for what they would consider girlfriend material, but the truth is, and I've said it before, that's not what they're actually looking for.
Once more I have to quote another great Chuck. Charles Bukowski wrote and I'm paraphrasing cause I don't remember exactly and I'm too lazy to look it up:
"My biggest problem is that I meet women who don't like my smoking, drinking, gambling, and fucking."
"Well you need to find a woman who likes to smoke, drink, gamble, and fuck."
"Who wants a woman like that?"
In actuality we all do, maybe not exactly like that, but we all want a woman who is just like ourselves, even if we won't admit it or look for it. So to answer your question, as long as you're loyal, YOU are probably girlfriend material for someone just like you.
Thanks for writing,
Chuck.
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