Once, a dude I worked with tried to eat a 5 lb. gummy bear in one day! At about 2.5 lbs. he looked like he may actually die from gummy poisoning, so the entire office chipped in and helped him finish it. Best/worst day ever.

"I hate kids." -coworker at Disneyland

Anything that lets me post this video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mTTwcCVajAc

Play

Yes, they are the most delicious of animals.

What a delicious problem.

I don't support cancer! I'm against cancer! Sounds like someone's got their priorities mixed up.

The small town I moved to as a teenager had outlawed dancing (which was ridiculous, as my previous city had been nothing short of an all-night dance party). At first, it was hard to be accepted by the other kids in my school, as my edgy dancing was a) taboo and b) not something they'd ever encountered before. I found myself driving out to empty warehouses and cranking my car stereo up to eleven and dancing completely in solitude so that no one would know I was breaking the law.

Eventually, the daughter of the local minister (and community leader) decided I was just the thing she needed to really tick off her daddy, so we started making out and dancing on a regular basis. When her father found out, he was angrier about the dancing than his daughter dating a total badass. Can you believe that?

Anyway, I eventually organized a secret dance across the tracks for all the high school kids. Some bros tried to crash it, but luckily my dance skills translate perfectly into a sort of judo-karate mashup that is nearly impossible to defeat.

To this day, I still dance when I want, where I want, regardless of the rules.

It used to be Friday, but that's been ruined.

Someone's been peaking through my windows...

A super burrito. The implications are frightening.

Funny story: a few years ago I owned two ducklings, Cassie and Harold, with my girlfriend at the time. They lived in the bathtub when they were small. Then they got bigger and we moved them to the garden, built a little hutch and everything. Unfortunately a huge storm rolled through and when it was over they were gone (as in, escaped into the woods behind the house). I like to think that they're off somewhere together, going on adventures and getting into trouble.

Alight

"You’re burning up," she says.
"Look down." And I see, true
as the humidity, my toes turn
to ashes, flaking from the tips –
ten cigarettes glowing
orange at the very edges.

"Does it hurt?" and I shake
my head, and the glow eats
my feet away, leaving perfect
grey piles on the sheet, white
in the square moonlight
tumbling through the window.

"Maybe the wind." She pushes
the window up and the breeze
created by the freeway,
the hum of cars, licks across
the burning, speeds it up,
until my chest is left.

"Sorry, sorry." The window
shuts and she lies down, her voice
a whisper like a raspberry. "Sorry.
I lied, it hurts," I say.
And she cries, with her fingers
in my hair. And when my eyes burn

all I can feel are her fingers.

Unicorns are indeed our nation's greatest threat! The fact that the U.S. government saw fit to outfit them with bazookas to overthrow the bear regime is baffling to me. They already have horns built in! They are WALKING weapons! And now they have bazookas. Frightening.

Luckily for you, my dog is a friend to the unicorns, having saved one from certain doom many years ago. Just make sure the unicorn threatening you sees the vial around Carver's neck. It contains the blood of a bear (sworn enemy of the unicorns) along with a single unicorn hair, given as a gift by the unicorn he rescued. Your unicorn kidnapper should release both of you if you explain who Carver is.

Also: you win a t-shirt. Messaging you now with instructions.

You can deactivate your account on your settings page.

It's certainly not a right to create bad content on the Internet and then have the ability to delete it all with a keystroke. You're responsible for what you put online and should not rely on us to clean up for you. Personal responsibility ftw.

Yes, unequivocally.

I'll just leave this here. From my trip to SXSW.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FUxHeprRuak

Play

We will only consider this suggestion because you typed it in all caps.

I can't believe I have to post this video, but here you go:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CD2LRROpph0

Play

I ran track as a kid, so I can assure you I've had more hurdles than most people.

Yes, just like Windows 7.