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Hi
I've answered your question here
http://bishuk.com/2012/05/22/ask-bish-taking-ages-to-cum/
Sorry for it taking a while - no pun intended.
Justin -
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There are quite a few people asking similar questions. The answer is that it is possible but is very very unlikely to get pregnant from this. http://bishuk.com/2010/07/18/mutual-masturbation-and-dry-humping/ It's unlikely that there is sperm in your pre-cum which I've explained here http://bishuk.com/2009/07/22/balls-and-cum/
Actually you're more likely to get an infection that to have an unwanted pregnancy from this. To reduce these small risks even further consider drying or wiping your hands clean of pre-cum and vaginal moisture before touching each other, or wear condoms.
Try not to worry, just be sensible. -
Yes there are hormonal methods of contraception which can last for weeks or even years. The injection lasts for 12 weeks, the patch lasts for a week per patch (and is replaced for 3 weeks followed by a week break). The implant and the IUS and IUD can
last for up to 3 years.
However many people like condoms because they prevent sexually transmitted infections and unwanted pregnancy. Also some couples prefer condoms because they don't like potential side effects, or don't want to go to a clinic for contraception or because some condoms can make sex more enjoyable (for instance by delaying ejaculation for guys or by increasing stimulation).
It's horses for courses innit?
Here are some links from my site which might help you.
http://bishuk.com/2012/02/17/hormonal-contraception/
http://bishuk.com/2012/02/21/non-hormonal-contraception/
http://bishuk.com/2010/01/13/condom-types/
Hope this helps
Justin
Bish -
Hi. I've FINALLY got round to answering your question.
http://bishuk.com/2012/04/14/ask-bish-ok-to-shut-my-eyes/
Hi there
Thanks for your question. I think the short answer to this is no.
There are too many shoulds and shouldn’ts in sex and relationships. We ‘should’ all like sex, we ‘should’ all be having orgasms and we ‘should’ all do it in exactly the same way as everyone else. If you want to close your eyes when you have sex then that’s fine, keep doing it. However I will blather on a bit about why people might want to open and close their eyes.
There are some great things about opening your eyes when you have sex. Objectifying your sexual partner whilst you’re sexing can be hot. Looking at the bits of their bodies that really turn you on, looking at their skin close up, looking into their eyes, looking at their face showing you how much they are enjoying it. It’s also a good way of communicating how much you and your partner are enjoying it. It’s sometimes easier to look at someone and give a slight nod or shake of the head instead of saying ‘yes keep doing that’ or ‘no I’m not into that’.
The looking can also make people feel closer to each other. If someone keeps their eyes closed their partner might not feel like they are very connected to them during sex. If you do want to keep your eyes closed you may want to check in with your partner about it and say why you want to, so they don’t feel offended or rejected. They may also want reassurance about whether you are enjoying it or not.
Also shutting your eyes might be ok if you are having sex with someone you really trust, but what if you were having sex with someone early in a relationship or with someone you didn’t know that well. How are you going to make sure that the sex is safe (both in terms of condoms but also in terms of your personal safety)?
You haven’t said why you like to keep your eyes closed. Maybe it’s because you don’t like to look, or you don’t like being looked at. If you are conscious about someone looking at your body or your face you could perhaps try wearing a top or keeping the lights dim. In porn (and sex scenes in films) the sex is usually with all the lights on and all clothes off. In the real world people often like to turn the lights off, get under the sheets or keep a vest top on (or something).
It could be that you enjoy the sex more when your eyes are closed. Perhaps you find that you can focus on your other senses more when you do this. Sex can be visual but it’s also about what we feel, taste, smell and hear. I go to music gigs with someone who often closes her eyes because she enjoys it more, perhaps it’s the same for you and sex? Maybe there’s too much going on for you?
But but but are you keeping your eyes closed because you aren’t enjoying it? Do you just close your eyes and imagine you’re not having sex? If so please please please consider not having sex. Maybe you aren’t ready for it. Or maybe you aren’t doing it with someone you like or trust enough. Or maybe you’re just not into sex?
Some other Bishy stuff that you might find useful.
Big Up Yourself if you aren’t feeling very confident about you…
Relationship Graph just to make sure that you’re doing it with someone that you actually like
Should I Have Sex? figuring out whether you should be doing it at all
Don’t Compare a video about not comparing yourself to porn people
Having Non Entry Sex in case you are happier having non-genital or naked sexy times
© Justin Hancock, 2012 bishtraining.com -
Hey. I've answered your question on my website and pasted it below. Hope it helps! Bish
http://bishuk.com/2012/04/13/ask-bish-jealous-of-partners-friends/
Hi
Thanks for your question.
Jealousy is an issue which happens in most relationships and I think that most people would find it raises difficult feelings for them. I’m not going to sit here and simply tell you not to be jealous or insecure: cos that won’t work. You’ve acknowledged that you are feeling jealous and insecure, I think it’s important that you address it and try to work through and with it rather than see it as a relationship breaker.
People often get jealous because they feel that someone (or something) else is giving their partner (or friend) something that they can’t give or aren’t giving at that moment. Examples: people get jealous of someone’s devotion to a football team or their favourite musicians, people get jealous laughing at their favourite comedian, people get jealous of a friend who gives great advice, people get jealous of film stars or models that someone has a fantasy about.
I think it’s important that you get this point. No matter how amazing a girlfriend you are, you aren’t going to be able to provide your boyfriend with everything in his life that he needs and wants. In my view a romantic relationship can not, and should not, be expected to give us everything we want and need in life (even in monogamous romantic relationships). It’s important to see the ‘you’ as well as the ‘you both’.
These friends of your boyfriend are giving him something that he wants or needs. If the relationship he is having with them is something which you consider to be more than friendship, you should talk. If he’s spending loads of time with them and you feel that you aren’t getting enough time together, you should talk. If he’s spending loads of cash with them and not with you, you should talk. If he’s regularly worse for wear after seeing them, you should talk. You can agree boundaries, which might help with specific fears you have about his friendships. However we all need friends, both in and out of relationships.
This is possibly also a good time to think about you and your friends. Are you keeping up with your friends? Friendships are like any relationship, they need work and maintenance and time: you need to keep putting the time in even when you’re head over heels with someone. Also think about you a bit. How are you feeling about yourself? What kind of wants and needs do you have and who can provide them. What does your boyfriend get from you and what does he get from other people? What do you get from your boyfriend and what can you get from other people.
You mentioned trust. Trust is massive in relationships, but what does that mean and what does it mean for you? I think trust comes from how people behave with each other and it’s a gradual thing that builds up the more we spend time with someone and the more relationships (not just sexual or romantic) we have with other people. It’s a learned behaviour.
For instance, my friends trust me to turn up on time (roughly) when we agree to meet, that’s because I’ve met with them several times and they know that I’m usually punctual and if I’m going to be late I’ll text them. However when I meet someone for the first time they might not trust that I will turn up on time, or that I will turn up at all, but they will use their experience of other people turning up on time to trust that I will too. Then when I do they will trust that I will turn up on time in the future.
So when you’re thinking about trust and your boyfriend you need to think about the whole picture. Do you trust him to turn up on time, do you trust him tell you the truth, do you trust him not to deliberately hurt you? Also think about your experience with trust in the past. Think about where you felt trust with others only for it not to be returned. Has that happened?
A really good way to deal with it is to have a conversation with him about it (which you might have, if he’s offered to not hang out with them any more). It’s important that you make time for this conversation and tell him exactly what it is you fear from him seeing these female friends of these. Try to be specific. What is it that you fear? Work it through for yourself first. Is it that he might find them more attractive than you?
It’s great that you’ve recognised your difficult emotions and that you’ve thought about how to make things better. Certainly spend some time thinking about where they are coming from and try to work through them, but don’t be dragged down by them. Try not to give yourself a hard time about having difficult emotions. Sometimes we just need to see these feelings, give it a nod of recognition and then get on with our day. I’m a firm believer in doing to change what we feel and think.
Some Bishness which might provide you with further help.
Brief Guide to Relationships
Relationships Graph – a way of checking out how healthy your relationship is right now
Big Up Yourself – a self esteem pitstop
Self Esteem – how doing positive things can make us feel and think positively
© Justin Hancock, 2012 bishtraining.com -
I saw last night's. I liked the personal stories exploring emotions and stuff. However I thought it was a bit fixated on penis in vagina sex, a bit heteronormative and focussed on medicalisation of sexual problems a bit too much.
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Hi again
I'm sorry to hear that, that can really suck. But at least you took the risk and put yourself out there. At least you won't look back and think 'if only...' So bravo. And it's great that you can do the friend thing.
You might want to check in with each other now and again about your friendship to make sure you are ok with it. You might want or need to set boundaries over what you talk about (other romantic interests for instance) or just be clear about how you're both feeling about each other.
Let me know how it goes and if there's anything else I can help with....
Justin
(Bish)
(for other readers here's the original question http://bishuk.com/2011/07/30/ask-bish-i-fancy-my-friends-ex/) -
Hi
I think what you might be describing here is the 'refractory period' (although I am making an assumption from the information in your question that you have a penis - tell me if I'm wrong).
After climax most males find that their penis becomes softer and they aren't able to get an erection again for some time. This could be a matter of seconds, minutes or hours. It's 'normal' and most guys have this.
This doesn't mean that you have to stop enjoying sex after climax. If you are by yourself you can keep touching yourself and enjoying different kinds of stimulation that you can give yourself. If you are with a partner you can still touch each other and give and receive pleasure during this period. Some people find that their refractory period is shorter if they continue to stay in a sexy frame of mind.
For more info about this kind of thing http://bishuk.com/2009/07/22/balls-and-cum/ and http://bishuk.com/2009/07/31/how-to-have-sex/ and http://kinseyconfidential.org/regain-erection-quicker-orgasm/
Hope this helps
Justin
(Bish) -
It was 'Best (practice) In Sexual Health' now it's just Bish.
Justin -
I don't think there's anything inherently good/bad about fancying a friend. Lots of people end up having romantic relationships with someone they were friends with - including sex educators....
However there are some things you might want to consider.
Not telling them
You could fancy a friend and not want to tell them (for instance if you fear not being fancied back, worried about whether a relationship would actually work, whether you could be friends etc). However how would you feel about friend going out with someone else? Could you honestly be happy for them? If so, great, if not :-( It's easy to get jealous in these situations if you see your friend having a romantic relationship when this is what you want with them. These difficult feelings can put strains on friendships. So you might just wanna tell them anyway.
How to tell them?
Well you could try flirting http://bishuk.com/2010/02/14/how-to-tell-someone-that-you-fancy-or-like-or-love-them/ but if you are good friends then they might not notice or they might think you weren’t being serious. Your friend might give you signals that they fancy you. These might be conscious things that are said or might be things unsaid: sometimes people can tell if someone fancies them. If someone likes looking into your eyes, or their pupils are really big, or smiles a lot at you, or gives you really excellent attention, or is really excited to see you, or is quite tactile (touching your arm or something)
You could try the age old method of getting a bit drunk and just getting off with each other but that often ends in tears because one person can think it was just a silly snog and the other can think it was true love. Also booze and drugs can affect people's judgement and ability to agree to do things so I wouldn't recommend it. http://bishuk.com/2010/07/16/booze-and-sex/
I’m afraid I think the best way to deal with this is to tell them. Don’t make a big drama about it, just try something like “look I know we’re really good mates, but I think I fancy you and I’d like to snog you.” You could test the water by saying “I had this dream about you last night where we were snogging and it was great.”
Telling them and it not going well
Telling a friend that you think they are hot is very different to telling someone you don't know very well: particularly if they don't feel the same way. Telling a relative stranger (eg someone you've been chatting to on the internet, or a friend of a friend, or a colleague/classmate) that you like them and them not really feeling the same might feel a bit embarrassing and might be a bit of a downer. However because you don't have to see them very much or don't have to spend time with them then you can get over it.
But but but, it's different when it's a friend. If your friend is a super nice person but they don't feel the same way then they'll be really sweet about it. They would tell you face to face how much they like you and value you as a friend and how lovely you are, but that they don't feel the same way. That it's just a chemistry ('I just don't think of you that way') thing, that you shouldn't take it personally and they'll not mention this to any other friends and/or can just not talk about it again if you prefer.
It may also be that by telling someone you fancy them then you have to also tell them that you identify as a different sexual orientation to one they assumed you had. For example if you are a guy and your friend is also a guy and he doesn't know you're gay (or are attracted to guys).
Even if they were super nice about it (let's hope they are) then this can still be tough to deal with. You might feel upset about spending time with them or it might be a little weird. However if you're friends you can get through it with communication, time, space, banter and looking out for each other.
Telling them and it goes well
You like them they like you (I say them not as a plural but as a gender neutral pronoun), you kiss you go out, ahhhhh. Romantic relationships with someone who was a friend can sometimes become quite deep and committed quite quickly, because there is high levels of trust, you know about each other, you share friends and spend good times together already. Check out my relationship graph here http://bishuk.com/2011/07/13/relationship-graph/, a good friendship might already be 'scoring' quite 'highly' on a number of these categories.
However, a romantic relationship is different to other friendships. There is sex for instance - sexual feelings or attraction which might be felt by you both. That can bring with it new and different feelings, emotions, anxieties which you hadn't expected or had to deal with before. This means a different kind of communication and trust. Also just because a couple are well matched in terms of being friends, this doesn't mean to say they work well together in terms of sex and sexuality (or what this means). Relationships that begin as friendships may well slip into friendships rather than sexual relationships.
Some stuff to think about: what do you think?
Justin
Bish -
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Here's a great answer about this from Cory Silverberg http://sexuality.about.com/od/malesexualanatomy/a/morning_erectio.htm
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No I don't think this is true (though it's not something I know much about I'm afraid). Masturbation (with ejaculation) doesn't seem to have any short or long term effect on testosterone levels. This is quite a good page on it http://wiki.answers.com/Q/Does_masturbating_increase_testosterone_levels
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Hi. That's great thank you. I think giving it a bit of time might be a good idea. Does she know that you fancy her? Is there a bit of chemistry between you? She may even ask you out.
Anyway I've posted the question on my site here http://bishuk.com/2011/07/30/ask-bish-i-fancy-my-friends-ex/ so perhaps we might get some more ideas.
Justin -
This could be a sign that you are very sexually excited, or chilly. Get some bed socks, if you are still shivering then it's because you are excited.
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Interesting question! I can't tell you what is right or wrong but I'll try and help.
Lots of people have concerns over this kind of situation. In 'Friends' it's referred to as one of the 'rules' of friendship that you don't go out with a sibling or an ex of a friend (Chandler and Ross and Monica). I think a lot of this is down to a misguided and old fashioned view about relationships which are based on an idea of 'ownership'.
One could argue that she is single, you fancy her, you can ask her out: no harm no foul. Your friend (her ex) no longer has any say over whom she can go out with, so go for it.
However this might affect your relationship with your friend. If your friend had a difficult relationship with this woman or ended things badly then that is his problem. However if going out with her is going to make life difficult for him then you both should go into this with open eyes, cos this could make life difficult for you.
He might have an anxiety about you learning more about their relationship from her for instance. Or he might be concerned that she or he may still have feelings for each other. Or they might need to give each other space so they can get over each other. Or there might be some residual bad feelings between them that might still be there (this could then affect any relationship you might then have with this woman).
You might want to think about asking him how he would feel about it. Not so much asking him for permission but just finding out whether this would make things very difficult. If it would and he wouldn't be very happy or comfortable about it then you would have to make a decision about whether you put this above your own feelings for this woman.
Also this woman may not want to go out with you. She may also be anxious about your friendship and this ex. However if she does want to go out with you and your friend is ok about it (or he's not ok but you're seeing her anyway) then you may need to set some boundaries. This could include whether they spend any time together (in a group for example), whether you talk about their previous relationship etc.
You could put your friendship at risk, this could also affect any relationship with this woman. So take care and tread carefully. Easier said than done when you fancy someone I realise.
Hope this helps
Justin (Bish)
PS Mind if I post this at bishuk.com with comments open? I'd like to ask other people what they think about it. -
Hi there
It's a very interesting question, so thanks for asking it. A recent literature review of first time heterosexual intercourse http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/00224490903509399 suggests that the average age for first time intercourse is around 16. Most young people (between 60 and 75%) first have 'sex' when they are over 16.
This review points out that most studies are pre-occupied with heterosexual experiences and also often ignore first time sexual experiences if they aren't to do with penetrative sex. EG we don't know the average age when someone first gets off with someone or dry humps on their parent's sofa.
Young people usually have sex with someone they are in a relationship with when then first do 'it' and the reason they do it is because they feel close and intimate with their partner and they are also excited and curious about how it will feel (much like how most people feel about sex actually).
There are socio-economic, cultural, educational, physiological and psychological factors which are associated with age of first time sex.
You should also know that often young people aren't entirely truthful when they tell their friends about their early sexual experiences.
For more about deciding when the right time to have sex is (for you) I've written more about this here http://bishuk.com/2009/08/01/should-i-have-sex/
I hope this answers your question!
Justin (Bish) -
I can see that this must be very frustrating. I will give you some practical advice about your question but first I think you should think a bit more about what you both mean by sex.
There are often societal and cultural norms about what sex means which means that we place more value on entry sex (penis or toy in vagina or anus) than other kinds of sex. This is a problem because it means that we only value a very narrow kind of sexual experience. Furthermore this is a problem because not everyone gets off on this very narrow idea of what sex means. For example, most women don't experience orgasm from just penis in vagina sex.
So try to think less about the kinds of sex that you think you *should* have and explore, together or alone, what kind of touch and stimulation you both *want*. It might be that you both enjoy other stuff much much more.
However you've asked about entry sex so I'll also answer specifically about that. This post from my website my help you http://bishuk.com/2009/07/31/how-to-have-sex/ Have a read. It gives some technicals on how to get really turned on and why this is important, why and how females get sexually aroused and how to enter. Getting turned on and going slowly is important.
If your wife is finding sex painful this might be because the vagina is not sufficiently relaxed and/or wet. Water or silicone based lubricant might be great for you both here. Masturbate each other with lube, you could both use your fingers inside your partner for example. http://bishuk.com/2009/10/26/how-to-masturbate/ This can help to make entry sex much more enjoyable.
You may both also want to brush up on the female sexual anatomy, which you can do here http://bishuk.com/2009/07/24/the-clitoris-orgasms-and-other-stuff/
Hope this helps
Bish
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Bish Training’s Bio
I'm a sex and relationships education trainer and consultant. For a clinic near you http://www.nhs.uk/servicedirectories/Pages/ServiceSearchAdditional.aspx?ServiceType=SexualHealthService
