Well they actually raised me to be an evangelical Christian Republican, my mom actually hoped I'd write Christian children's book, and this is how I turned out. Read into that as a success or an epic blowing up in the face.

Put them in a circle, place the baby in the middle, spin it. Whoever it lands on is the dad.

Two of them. Just to be safe.

Give good advice. Got it.

Kids, if Snooki is your hero, your parents have failed you and you stand absolutely zero chance in life.

Watch out for the giant lipstick-looking thing.

The scorned woman.

And how!

Tell a grown-up.

These questions are jokes, right? You guys are joking with me?

Ah.. Ah, Jesus....

Alright, most likely 15-year-old girl, let me tell you why you came to the wrong person with this besides the fact I'm a complete and total stranger who writes cock jokes for a living. (Stay in school, kids.) While I should tell you that if you're boyfriend is getting angry, I'm talking like yelling and shit, that you need to run for the goddamn hills because usually guys who get pissed that they don't get what they want will Chris Brown you down a flight of stairs. However, if he's just getting frustrated as is a young man's wont, then someone should probably tell you you're going to have sex with - bare minimum - two dudes you regret sleeping with, so why not this guy? Get that shit out of the way.

I'm going to jail, aren't I?

"I want to make an omelet, but I don't want to use eggs."

That's what you just said to me.

Pretty simple: Leave him and find someone else.

And how does she do that, boys and girls?

"SHE'S HOLDING ALL THE VAGINAS." That's right!

Accuse of him rape making the rest of his life a massive legal shit-parade. That's practically like marrying him.

That last part. Shouldn't be long.

I've actually been trying to avoid this entire debacle, but from what I have glimpsed at, it looks Casey murdered her daughter and her mom Cindy lied her face off on the stand. "I was Googling 'chlorophyl' and then a pop-up of skateboarding accidents popped up." Suurreee, it did, lady.

I am entirely okay with that. Gleefully so, I might add.

You've made a wise and judicious use of the evidence at hand.

Do you ask people if they breathe to survive? Because that's almost exactly what you just did here.

Yes, it was too "hyped up," that people made a big deal about a spoiled little fuck smashing her face in, biting her in the ear and neck and leaving for her dead because she peeped his phone. It was all just a simple mistake. Like getting someone's order wrong at Starbucks, except with ambulances and trips to the ER.

But, seriously, are you fucking kidding me? You're a "FREEAK" for a woman- beater who would kick the shit out of you if you looked at him wrong? Get your head out of your ass.

Did this question seriously just happen?

Or I could just do whatever I want. Let's go with that.