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All responses Most smiled responses
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I expect this should be obvious, but you basically have two options here. I'm going to assume that you're not a uggo or a fatty if you are (apparently) having other propositions presented to you and you're turning them down, so I will keep that assumption in mind.
Option 1, is to attempt to get to know him. Simple enough. Quit being creepy, gawking from a distance. That will get you a quick ticket to "Restraining Order" land. Instead, confront him casually and propose a rendezvous elsewhere to get to know him better.
Or, of course, option 2 is to quit being a cold bitch and take up one of those other offers, if you aren't bullshitting. The guy who you think who could be "the one" might turn out to be a dick, and you could be turning down all kinds of fellows who just want to give you their love (and inevitably get their dicks wet).
On the other hand, if you are bullshitting, you're probably ugly and therefore a terrible person, so you should probably just give up or take the advice I gave to the last slag that whined to me about their superficial problems that was featured in the special Relationship edition of Ask Dr. Nomad in March, 2010.
Hope that helps!
Dr. N. -
Yes please.
Thanks for writing,
Dr. N. -
It's so cute when the mentally handicapped try to have normal people relationships! I say go for it, little guy!
Thanks for writing,
Dr. N. -
Sometimes I think I worry about the same thing. Not the being gay part, but why I like them dames in the first place. Women can be perplexing and irksome creatures at the best of times, vicious and calculating psychopaths at the worst. I assure you that it has nothing to do with your own homosexuality, though if you are asking anything questioning your sexuality we can probably all safely assume that you are definitely a flaming breed of the crooked sort. The fact is, women being terrible excuses for humans is an issue that stands all on its own.
And I'm not just saying that because I got stood up tonight. Because I didn't. Who would blow off Dr. Nomad? Haha, I mean come on! That's probably just the booze talking. You know, I've noticed that tears actually make the sauce go down even smoother.
At any rate, women are not so bad. They're not the mystery that they are made out to be, and it can be quite easy to figure out their motives if you really stop and think. If she's nagging you about leaving the toilet seat up again, it's not because you forgot to put it down, but rather that you failed to live up to her expectations. The truth is, if a woman is treating you horribly, it's probably because you did something. More often than not you probably didn't do anything to the extent that you deserve the punishment dealt, but you did SOMETHING. And if you find yourself in that situation, there's no turning back.
But I do know of a place in Vegas that might help, if you don't mind taking part in some "legitimate business" involving poker with a fellow in a purple suit.
Hope that helps,
Dr. N. -
Kittens should be hugged at any time it is convenient to do so. I apologize that I do not have anything more enriching to add to this very complex and troublesome predicament.
Hope that helps,
Dr. N. -
This is not a question.
Thanks for writing,
Dr. N. -
If you know what's good for you, as far as romantic relationships go it is NEVER the right time to say 'I Love You.' Once that trinity of cursed words is uttered in any romantic relationship, whether it is sincere or not, it spells nothing but doom for all parties involved.
It might feel great at first! The person that says it gets that sudden rush of adrenaline, rocketing into a state of euphoria increasing the good feeling of the experience tenfold! Then the person receiving the curse might also experience that euphoria, and even speaking the words themselves and sealing the dark fate for both!
Soon after comes the worry and expectations. If sex hadn't already taken place, should it? If it has, does it have to "mean" something now? What about the future?--how are we going to pay for an apartment together, and what if there are kids involved, and how am I ever going to have privacy again, and how am I going to put up with her cunt of a mother, how are we going to pay for that house now that we have all these fucking kids, and am I going to have to sell my behemoth all-American truck and buy a minivan, and what am I going to do when I'm old and have to put up with this bitch's nagging for decades on end, and...
Well... You get the idea, I suppose.
My advice to you, is to keep the awkward silence on the subject. It may be uncomfortable, but that is a good thing. You learn to appreciate the love you have more when you think you might lose it--and it makes breakups that much easier when you get bored and want to play the field some more.
Hope that helps,
Dr. N. -
The best way to get "unlonely" is to make yourself unlonely. Either you can rent an XXX video and break out the blow up doll again tonight, or you can hit up the social networking sites for fatties! Either way, you need to take the initiative to aid the problem!
Hope that helps,
Dr. N. -
I cannot answer a question that I do not understand. Please rephrase your request in a clear manner and feel free to resubmit!
Thanks for writing,
Dr. N. -
You are on the right track--ultimately looks do not matter, and it's what's inside that counts! However, winning personality or not, generally the first impression that people get of another person is by visual means--and that can spell trouble for fatties and/or uggos like yourself. Really, the problem here is not that people find you repulsive; the problem is that society finds you repulsive! A quick GOOGLE search for "BBW" or a casual stroll through a WALL*MART can easily reveal that there are plenty of individuals who get off to ugly and/or fat women.
So which is more important to you? Being attractive to society as a whole, or being attractive to one person?
If your goal is the former, you are in luck! Generally, most uggos and fatties are obsessed with what society thinks of them and their bodies. They'll intentionally starve themselves both in mind and body, shriveling into a lifeless yet incredibly bony shell, ending up like a walking corpse that feeds on attention and looks akance from others. This is an easy position to put yourself in if you're not careful--and I'll tell you how!
The first step, of course, is having a crippling self-image problem. Since you're writing me with this sob story about being an uggo and/or fatty, I am sure you already fit into this category. Once you've established that you hate yourself and can't look yourself into the mirror, you're already well onto your way of acquiring self-destructive mental illnesses!
Secondly, you must take action to change your body in dangerous ways to match what you believe is the image society demands of you. Stop eating, and exercise in dangerous quantities. Schedule cosmetic surgerical procedures that change your appearance in drastic ways.
Now, once you've made life altering changes to yourself, you'll find that you're not just unhappy anymore, but unhappy and BEAUTIFUL! You'll still hate yourself, and most likely die young due to debilitating mental instability, but you will no longer worry about finding a mate!
However, if you are only worried about finding love, your options are much less drastic. The easy way is to join a social networking site, with pictures of yourself taken from a wide angle in order to give the illusion of being thin, and eventually you may trap a kind hearted male into settling on you (likely with your winning personality!). Another method is to join up to one of those Big Beautiful Women websites and you'll have men from all over the world worshipping you!
So you see, even as a repulsive female, even in this society you have plenty of options. Don't let yourself be fooled into thinking you will be lonely forever. Forever is a long time.
Hope that helps,
Dr. N. -
I was just going to delete this question, but my lawyers have advised me to address this topic up front.
I am not engaging and have not ever engaged in any abusive interaction with mudkips or any other pokemon. Any and all interaction I've had with mudkips or any other pokemon has been in accordance with the rules and guidelines set forth by the ASPCP and local law enforcement agencies.
All future inquiries regarding my involvement with pokemon abuse will be deleted and disregarded.
Thanks for writing,
Dr. N. -
Due to the anonymous nature of these questions, I can't answer such a question honestly. If you wish to contact me privately about this matter, I would be interested in finding out more. Publicly, though, I must note that while I have not seen my wife since that pimp took her as collateral in the poker game I lost in Vegas ten years ago, I am technically still married and cannot legally wed another until that matter is dealt with. A small hurdle, however.
Thanks for writing,
Dr. N. -
Many advice columnists would like to jokingly tell you that the "clitoris" does not exist, possibly out of some strange jab at conservative desires to resurrect dark ages practices of sexual suppression. I will, however, not only tell you, but warn you about the dangers of the clitoris.
First of all, I shall clear up a misconception: No, male humans do not possess clitori. They are chiefly a female body part--of which they traditionally only posess one (1). As for what this strange device actually is, however, is still a mystery to modern science. Some postulate that it is an undeveloped penis that never was able to fully form due to insufficient genetic information not provided by a "Y" chromosome. Others claim it is a gift from the goddess Aphrodite to provide women with a reason to actually associate with men in any way (which is an absurd claim not only because everyone knows that heathen gods are nonexistent, but also because us men also have great senses of humor and money on our side).
Before you attempt finding this object, however, I advise using utmost caution. To varying degrees, the clitoris may incite a variety of reactions in the specimen, including but not limited to biting, scratching, screaming and other loud vocalisations (including profanities), violent seizure-like undulations of the body, or in extreme cases projectile vomit, and death of one or both parties involved. Be aware that this does not in most cases indicate demonic posession, but it may be advised to keep a cross or holy water nearby for quick use.
The clitoris is located roughly somewhere in the area between a female's legs. While I have never seen one, (mostly because I find vaginae to be visually repulsive however nice they may be to tactile senses), through trial and error it is possible to discover them by manipulating your fingers around the upper regions of the specemin's vagina. Additional direction may be provided by the female if vocal communication is possible (removal of any bondage devices preventing speech may be necessary).
It is important to note that generally it is customary to request permission, or at least provide adequate warning, to the female with which you wish to attempt finding the clitoris before you root your hands down in that area. If you also happen to be a female, however, this little caviat may be circumvented by sharing a bottle of lemon schnapps with the other female. Or, of course, you can try it out yourself, but what's the fun in that, and why would you defy lady Aphrodite's wishes?
Hope that helps,
Dr. N. -
Humans, like any other hermaphroditic organism, can easily slip into a vicious cycle of self love, forgetting that it takes two separate organisms of the same species to replicate efficiently.
My advice is to let your hand decide what is best for her, and ultimately what will probably be best for yourself. Get out a little bit and socialize with other beings of your kind and perhaps you and your hand will find a mate whom you both find suitable!
Hope that helps,
Dr. N. -
This is a very common problem of mine as well!
To remedy this ailment, I suggest the fast acting power of BEANO! Unlike other gas medicines, BEANO is a natural food enzyme dietary supplement that can help prevent gas before it starts. Available in a convenient tablet or liquid, BEANO helps you digest the complex carbohydrates in many of your favorite healthy foods - not just beans. With BEANO, you can comfortably enjoy nutritious foods that are an essential part of a healthy diet.
Hope this helps!
Dr. N. -
If you're looking for a love that will last, a bar certainly isn't the best place to look. Hell, these days it's probably not even the best place to look for random sex! The internet is where it's at.
Your best bet is to sit at home, especially if home happens to be your mother's basement, staring blankly at your computer screen and obsessively scanning dating sites for suitable candidates to carry your seed.
Then, of course, proposition said candidate for a simple evening rendezvous so you can make a final judgment on whether this person is qualified to be a vessel to carry your spawn.
I believe, then, it is customary to aggressively assert yourself onto the other in an act of procreation. I believe some refer to this as "rape" but that would just be arguing semantics.
I suppose a similar method could be used at the bar, and I imagine you can piece these suggestions together for use in such a situation.
Hope that helps!
Dr. N. -
I can't see why anyone wouldn't like you! Sound like a pretty all right person to me! Keep up the good work.
Dr. N. -
I can't hear you over the sound of how pretentious you are.
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Perfection takes time, my friend. I carefully weigh each question and deliberate on an answer for seconds--even minutes! If you wish for more speedy answers, I'm sure there are plenty of other advice columnists that specialize in hasty and likely more clumsy advice.
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Not being a medical doctor I cannot comment on the proper amounts of biffidus regularis and how it might relate to your own biological processes. I would advise eating as many as you feel comfortable eating.
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Dr. Nomad’s Bio
Hello, this is the public forum for the Ask Dr. Nomad show where you may ask me, your host Dr. Nomad, your pressing questions! I will take my favorite questions and answers and eventually use them for my sporadic blog (see homepage).
