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Recent Responses
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It's generally best if you know some people in common. If you're cold-approaching a guy at his show, it's hard to separate yourself from the fans (not impossible, but difficult). If you know some other people in the other bands on the bill, hang out with them and try to let him see you with them. Bonus points if you can get someone to introduce you. (See the section on multiparty introductions in my book The New Rules Of Attraction.) Then you can say something like, "Hey I really dug your set tonight. How often do you guys play?" Or whatever.
If you don't have anyone in common, try to think of something to say to him that's not just "Hey I really like your music," as that's what everyone's going to say to him. Once I approached a band guy at his show where we didn't know anyone in common and I told him I wanted to use one of his songs for a burlesque show I was doing a few weeks later. This was a way of being complimentary to him but also letting him know that I had cool things going on and was a performer myself.
Remember that band guys generally have a lot of work to do after a show -- greet fans, load out, get paid -- so if you're going to stick around make sure you have other people to entertain yourself with so you're not standing around seemingly needing attention. It's a good sign if the guy says something to you like, "Hey are you sticking around for a bit?" That's rockstar code for "Hey I really want to talk to you but I have a shit-ton of stuff to do first." If everyone's going to a bar afterward to hang, cool. But often in cases like these if you don't have other people there to hang out and have fun with in the meantime, it's best to number-close and follow up later. In the case of a band guy you can even just Facebook each other and follow up there (although a number is preferable).
Then, because band guys are generally social creatures, invite him out to a party or concert you're going to before suggesting coffee or dinner. You need not actually go to a party before coffee or dinner, but it's best for that sort of thing to be your first invitation. -
I don't really use openers anymore. I think openers are great training wheels for when you have approach anxiety, that they give you something definite and scripted to focus on so you don't have to come up with stuff to talk about on the spot. But once you gain enough confidence, you don't need the scripts anymore. You can actually just go up to people and talk to them.
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Has he said this to you already? You've discussed this in plain terms? Because it sounds to me like you've already been honest and told him what you wanted.
This doesn't have to be antithetical to seduction. Just because you may state your intention outright doesn't mean you can't take your time getting there. If you've already told him you don't want commitment from him but you're interested in hooking up, just begin to create temptation from there. Take things in slow steps, making it clear you have the intention of going down that road eventually but drawing it out to make it more fun. -
I'm not familiar with what classes are offered outside the US, but you can look into books like Midori's The Seductive Art of Japanese Rope Bondage, Lee Harrington's Shibari You Can Use, Chanta Rose's Bondage For Sex, etc. I don't know where you live, but I'm sure you might be able to look up likeminded individuals near you on fetlife.com or other sites and try to get an instructor to hold a class when they're traveling near you.
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Respond whenever. Say "Sure that sounds like fun." Don't overthink just yet.
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Yeah, this happens.
I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, freakouts of this nature usually happen because something is unexpectedly good, to the point where it presents the possibility of change and threatens the status quo. So, you and this guy had an intense time together, and you connected, and it was awesome. And then it became a thing -- a thing that needed to be addressed one way or another. Either the two of you were to continue down this path together, or one of you was to nip it in the bud. And what this guy decided is that at this point in his life, for whatever reason, he doesn't have the capacity to have something that's a thing.
Know, first of all, that if this had been an unremarkable occurrence, there would have been no cause for a freakout, because it wouldn't have presented the possibility of change. It would have been one of those things that just kind of faded, or you would've heard from him by text once in a while when he was in the mood, or whatever. So when there's an intensity like that, I tend to keep an eye on it because it's a sign that there's actually something good going on.
That said, I'm also someone who is ridiculously good at embracing intense romantic relationships into her life, because that's basically at the heart of what I do. I don't have a lot of things that get in the way of them because my life is set up to allow for a great degree of personal freedom -- I'm generally either single or non-monogamous, my work projects are freelance, my schedule is intense but flexible, and I don't have anyone who really depends on me other than my cat. So if I experience an intense connection with someone, it doesn't really threaten much that's going on with me, because there's nothing in my life that needs to change that much in order to go down that road. I'd still be able to operate very much in the same way that I would otherwise.
But not everyone is like me. For some people, embarking on a romantic or sexual relationship necessitates enormous changes in their lives, whether it's on a tangible level (scheduling, priorities, social circles, etc) or one that's less so (oh shit! feelings! this feels weird and strange! oh noes!). Keep in mind that to some people, the idea of a relationship actually threatens their very sense of identity. Some people are very invested in living in their current stories, whatever those stories may be, and they don't know who they would be without them. For example, I dated a guy once who was bisexual and had a deeply ingrained story of "I only get into romantic relationships with men; I just fuck girls for fun." So we were fucking for fun, four or five nights a week, for eight months. (Like, really?) But admitting that he was in a relationship with a girl would have threatened his sense of identity on a very deep level, and eventually he chose to end things because getting to continue living in his story, even if it meant being alone, was a more preferable option than engaging with something that he enjoyed but which would have required a deep change in his self-image. (And by the way, those eight months really sucked as far as my anxiety and self-esteem went.) If you have someone who is invested in a story of "I don't do relationships," or even simply "I'm not ready for a relationship right now," it's going to take a lot to get them to change their minds on that.
Fuck, it's even hard to break someone out of a completely miserable story like "No one will ever love me" or "I don't deserve to be happy." I'm sure you've met people like that, right? They choose situations where they get to be miserable, over and over again, because that's what they're used to and the story they're invested in. Who would they be if they suddenly had to be happy? They can't answer that question, and so they don't engage with it.
It is a really sad fact of life how scared people are of change. I see people all the time who choose to stay in unhappy circumstances because it is easier to remain in your comfort zone than pursue happiness outside of it. "Better the devil you know" and all that.
And I'm just not at a place where I'm going to tell any woman to stick around with someone when it feels like she's pulling teeth. This sounds obvious, but one of your requirements for someone you're going to be in a relationship with should be that they actually want to be in a relationship with you. Ding! Sounds obvious, right? But how many of us hang around and compromise and put up with someone's fencesitting for months on end? I've done it, and it sucked, and I'm not doing it again. Fuck that. You wait for no man.
Support this guy's decision to do what he needs to do at this point in his life. If you care about him, let him know you'll be there for him as a friend, and maybe at some point he'll chill out and feel comfortable around you and be ready to start things more slowly, at a pace that's easier for him. But that kind of needs to be his own decision. And in the meantime, you shouldn't put your life on hold, because you may meet a guy who you feel just as intense with, who is ready to step up to the plate and unabashedly, enthusiastically welcome you into his life. Which, at the end of the day, is what you deserve. -
Wait wait wait. Let me put something in perspective here for you. You're telling me that some guy's poor taste in girlfriends is making YOU feel bad about yourself?
Okay, let's back this up. You met a guy, and you hit it off, and you're pretty sure he felt some sparks for you. That's great! Take a moment to celebrate that victory. Seriously. Celebrate the fact that you went out, and you were proactive about meeting someone who interested you, and you were engaged in your interaction with him to the point that you felt mutual chemistry. Those are all things that should make you feel very good about yourself, especially since you know you can go out and do it again.
Following this, you found out that he has a girlfriend, and that she is, by your standards, far less attractive and interesting than you. Okay, that is disappointing information. But can you really fault this guy for choosing her over you before he even met you? He had no idea you were going to walk into his life and that he ought to wait for someone as attractive and interesting as you. So you can't judge his relationship status as a reflection of you.
As far as what to do next, there's nothing to do at this point in time other than to keep being your awesome self. There's no reason you can't hang around him, be his friend, and see how things play out in his life. I don't advocate playing dirty to steal someone from a committed relationship, but I do condone positioning yourself as an appealing alternative to something that was already destined to end at some point. Don't, however, fixate on this guy to the point where you're not exploring other options. You only met him recently and you actually have no idea if he's someone who's compatible with you. So keep going out and meeting new and interesting people, just as you did the night you met this guy, and soon you'll find someone with just as many sparks who is actually available to meet your relationship needs.
Or maybe this guy will man up and decide he needs to explore those sparks with you. But you can't sit around and wait for him, and you can't push him to it either. That's a big boy decision that he has to make on his own. And if he doesn't, then he wasn't the right person for you to begin with. -
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Vintage, Please Don't Tell, The Bourgeois Pig, Milk & Honey, 3 of Cups.
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Congrats and thank you for sharing the good news! :)
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I'm not sure exactly what you mean, but I like chokers and wear them from time to time.
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Why don't you have a talk with your dad privately and share your concerns and your feelings?
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Exactly as you just did. "I'm not ready for exclusivity yet, but I would like us to keep seeing each other and be open to that possibility in the future."
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Read my chapter entitled "Closing the Deal" in The New Rules Of Attraction.
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Could be for any number of reasons, but ask yourself this -- do you and he share compatible values and lifestyles? If so, why not choose to focus on him? It is great not to get too wrapped up in a guy right off the bat so that you don't delude yourself into thinking there's compatibility there when there isn't, but it's also not a bad thing to, you know, eventually get into a relationship, if that's what you want. So, enjoy it. Maybe this guy is the one for you. Or maybe he's not. But if you're having feelings, enjoy them! That's what they're there for.
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I doubt I will move to LA full-time, but I hope to be more bi-coastal in the future. It's going to depend a lot on what happens with various projects out there, and where those projects mostly end up taking place.
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When you find the cure for obsessive thinking, please share it with me. I'm terrible at this. The only thing I do know how to do is manage my actions so that I don't come across looking like a crazy person.
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The Pussycat Interstellar Naked Hotrod Mofo Ladybug Lustblaster, by Derrick Brown, in his anthology If Lovin' You Is Wrong Then I Don't Want To Be Wrong.
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That's a completely individual decision. But you should be in it long enough to a.) both get tested and b.) know you can trust your partner.
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People know my deal when they meet me, and they know that I build much of my work on the lessons I learn through my personal life, and that that itself is very much of what keeps my work authentic. The minute someone googles me, they're going to find my blog, my book, etc. So no one should be surprised, exactly. If someone discovers a post I've written that references them, then yeah, they'll know it's about them -- but the important part is that they should also know that no one ELSE will know it's about them. This is why I'm discreet about the people I date, and only go public with them once it's been agreed upon (or once the other person has done so first, which is kind of the same thing). Similarly, I never reveal personally identifying details in my work. I would never want anyone to feel that they can't trust me. As for passive-aggressive, I don't think that's really the purpose. I tend to be articulate about my feelings with people, so the chance of them reading something in a post that I haven't already told them to their face is pretty slim.
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Arden Leigh’s Bio
New York City
The woman behind the Sirens Seduction Forum for Women.
