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All responses Most smiled responses
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The same way you'd break up with anyone else (even if someone HAS done something wrong, do you think they'll actually believe you're right about it?). Sit them down and gently tell them that although they're terrific, you just need to move on, you're not ready for something longterm yet, and you both want different things. Neil Strauss, in his online blog, recommends that you make yourself available by phone and text for your ex to speak to for the following two weeks, but avoid in-person contact entirely as it is very easy to get swallowed back into a relationship if you allow personal boundaries to be crossed. After that two-week grace period, cut off contact entirely until you have both long since moved on. And don't flaunt your other involvements -- if you start dating in the next month or two, keep it subtle. Of course you want to be as gentle with the other person's feelings as possible, but in the end you really don't need any reason to move on from a relationship other than that you don't want to be in it anymore. No one is ever obligated to be somewhere they don't want to be. Just be kind about it and then firmly stick to your decision.
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asked by Adkamkar
Stop worrying about being a sweaty mess. Approach and number close, it's assumed that your hangouts later will not involve your both being sweaty messes (I mean, until much later, when they will).
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Yes, I try to visit at least a few times a year.
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Sounds okay to me from where I am, but more importantly, are you building attraction with her in person? A text message from someone you're attracted to is WAY different from a text message from someone you're not. Also, smilies may be somewhat flirtatious, but they're also ultimately kind of innocuous -- like you're almost apologizing for flirting. At some point you're going to want your texts -- even your flirty ones -- to come off as a bit more decisive.
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"Does Rose Kennedy own a black dress," "does the bear shit in the woods," "is the pope Catholic," etc. All along the same lines of answer.
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Not with a random anonymous dude on formspring. With someone I actually want to have sex with, perhaps.
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I already answered this question from you awhile back. If you haven't paid enough attention even to whether your question has been answered, you're going to need to start at the absolute basics when it comes to seduction. Square one for you, young man.
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Slowly physically escalate while sober -- take his arm, touch his hand/knee while the two of you are talking. Do things together that spike the pleasure centers of your brains (good food, good music, exciting things that trigger dopamine release, etc). Then isolate, take him somewhere where it makes sense for the two of you to make out even though you're sober. Then make plans to see each other again. Lather, rinse, repeat.
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At this point in my life, I don't want anyone licking my feet. Also I don't own a dog.
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No, but I wouldn't rule it out entirely. I've been intimate with women, and had crushes on a few, but I've never been in love with a woman the way I've been in love with men. Anything could happen, I suppose, but my guess is that my serious relationships are much more likely to be with men.
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I take a parkour class once a week and try to walk a lot whenever I'm going somewhere. I don't have any specific diet except that I know when my body feels like it needs pasta and when it needs a salad and when it needs sushi. It tells me pretty clearly.
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I don't like it, because there's no plausible deniability -- you both acknowledge you're pretty much there because you're looking to date someone, and there's this weird pressure that's all "Are YOU the one I'm looking for??" And then they're probably not, but you can't get rid of them, and because they know you were looking to date someone when you met them, that rejection becomes harder to effect. "Nope, sorry, yes I am looking for someone, but it turns out it's not you."
But, I don't judge. If people find online dating fun, more power to them. Me personally, I'd rather just pick up people off my Twitter suggestions. -
I'm still waiting. :P
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Personally, I wouldn't get into this situation unless you are also attracted to the girlfriend. If you can see this as being a fun adventure with two people you like, then go for it. But if you see it being messy and ultimately hurting you or someone else, then steer clear.
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In my opinion, first-time sex is all about feeling out the territory. It's about concentrating on the basics and really just paying attention to your partner and what sort of things make each other feel good. It's not the right time to get into anything too far out there, not because of how it makes you look, but because you probably haven't figured those things out about each other yet (unless, say, you met in a kinky social circle where you've already talked about your roles and preferences, which is common among kinksters I know). Your goal for the first time you have sex with someone is to get the lay of the land and deal with the scary awesome weirdness that is being completely naked with someone and having him physically inside your body for the first time in your life. That's your sole mission. In a way, if that sort of intimacy with another person doesn't kind of scare the living daylights out of you in the best and most awesome way possible, you're probably not really getting the full experience.
Whether he sees you as anything more than a sexual conquest will be decided before the sex happens (see the chapter "Closing the Deal" in The New Rules Of Attraction). If you haven't waited long enough to seed the kind of lasting interest in you that you need to foster in him in order to make him see you as someone he feels emotionally connected to, then yes, you will likely be seen as little more than a good way to pass the time. But the quality of the sex won't affect that -- it'll just determine in his mind whether you were a worthwhile way to pass the time or not.
As for getting "sluttier" with time -- I really dislike the way this is phrased, but I know what you mean. But let's be clear here: being sexually creative is not the same as being slutty. And sex should never be disingenuous -- as in, you're pretending up front that you're some kind of sweet virginal good girl so as not to be judged as "easy" and then over time you morph into a superfreak so you can sustain some guy's interest -- it's like, who are you trying to be? Yes, chances are, your sex will go from being simplistic at first to being more adventurous as your relationship goes on, but it will be because the two of you will be delving further and further into each other's fantasies and experimenting with each other's curiosities as you become more and more physically/emotionally intimate, not because you're worried about how some dude is going to perceive you based on the ways you act with him while you're in bed.
This is important. You can't go into sex feeling like your desires are shameful, or too sexual, or paint you in the wrong light -- they are YOUR desires, and as long as they're legal and consensual, they're totally legitimate. At the same time, you also can't go into sex thinking "I'm gonna show this guy every move in the book, won't he be impressed!" because then it's about you showing off, which inevitably disconnects you from your partner, when it's making that initial, honest, achingly vulnerable connection with someone that is kind of the whole point of having sex with them in the first place.
Let's put it this way. If you choose to give a blowjob the first time you have sex with someone, it shouldn't be based on how it makes you look in his eyes -- it should be because when you're with him, you feel inspired to taste him and to give and receive that kind of pleasure. If you choose to engage in some submissive play with him, it should be because you feel submissive to him in that moment, because he inspires you to give him agency over your body and your actions.
If you're worried about how something you do in bed makes you look to your partner, you're either doing sex wrong, or you're doing it with the wrong person. -
Does he ask questions or display curiosity in a way that conveys that he's interested in you?
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She's cool. I don't agree with all of her principles to the letter but overall she seems effective. I don't follow the matchmaking industry as much as I follow the seduction/pickup industry, as I have little to no desire to become a matchmaker. I simply tell people how to best achieve their goals with the people they choose themselves. To me, a matchmaker set-up doesn't have enough plausible deniability to be really interesting. It's cool if it works for some people, but it's not my style. I'd rather hunt than go to the grocery store.
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You're very welcome; thank you for the nice words.
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Frankly, it sounds like you're already over him. Not wanting to "call it quits on the years" is a dumb reason to stay with someone: relationships are like stocks, and just because you have invested and held onto a stock for a long time doesn't mean its value is going to rise again. In fact, it may just keep depreciating entirely. (I wrote a blog about that here: http://ardenleigh.typepad.com/blog/2009/12/the-stock-market.html It's really a relationship metaphor, hope people caught onto that.)
If it's really his drinking that's the problem, if you feel you can really narrow it down to that, and feel that you still love him but can't tolerate how he becomes when he drinks, then give him an ultimatum: either he gets help to get sober, or you leave. People have this thing against ultimatums, but really they're often necessary in determining whether a relationship is right for you to stay in. Basically you're saying that if you don't get your basic needs met, you're leaving. And you're giving your partner a chance to correct the problem first. Give him three months to get into a program and start showing signs of progress.
If three months pass and he hasn't shown any sign whatsoever of stopping, then you have your answer.
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Arden Leigh’s Bio
The woman behind the Sirens Seduction Forum for Women.
