Ask me anything about health, wellness, relationships, spirituality, or beauty & makeup. :o)
Note: If this is in regards to an abusive relationship, please get out of this relationship immediately, without a second thought. An abusive relationship can consist of any of the following: violence of any kind- physical violence like pushing, slapping, pinching, or kicking; verbal violence like calling you names or putting you down; intimidation like threats or getting in your face; controlling who you see or how you spend, etc. These are just some examples. If this stuff IS going on, please get to safe location and contact your local authorities (911!) or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) or (206) 787-3224 (Video Phone Only for Deaf Callers). They will be happy to help you, because YOU DO NOT HAVE TO LIVE LIKE THIS, and you shouldn't! Please, please, please, get help.
Hi! This is a tough question. On one hand, someone isn't be fair to us—maybe even downright mean, malicious, and/or abusive—on the other hand, as you said, the idea that we create everybody and everything in our lives seems to suggest that we are somehow responsible for this person's actions towards us....right?!
I don't believe this at all. I do believe this teaching, but I don't believe it means it is your "fault." First and foremost, remember that the only actions you are responsible for are YOURS, not this other person's. I've found that letting go of the need to understand "WHY" this person is "doing this to me" is a HUGE help in being able to forgive, let go, and move on.
What you are responsible for is how you handle and interact with this person. No one can hurt you without your permission to hurt you, in a sense. What are you allowing? Are you setting clear boundaries? Are you communicating to this person that "hey, I feel hurt because...." or are you suffering in silence? Is it that toxic of a situation that you need cut ties all together? If so, then by all means, do what you need to do FOR YOU. Don't identify with whatever behaviors this person does that are hurtful towards you. Do not give your power away for your to be hurt. You can take responsibility for what goes on in your life without taking "blame." Blame and beating yourself up over it is a vicious cycle and is going to keep you locked into the hurt. Which leads me to the next part....
The best part about this teaching is the fact that it empowers us to take responsibility for ourselves and UNCREATE these type of situations. Anything that's been created can be uncreated. This teaching empowers us because it means we don't have to be victims of circumstances; we CHANGE our circumstances at any moment, just by choosing differently.
Remember that everything is an opportunity for growth. Perhaps this is a growth opportunity for you to get your "Thou shalt not take shit" on and move on from the situation; to choose to end it completely. Perhaps you are unable to cut this person out of your life because of it being a colleague, family member, etc, so this is your moment to let go of others and realize you don't have to believe everything you think—or that someone else thinks about you. Maybe your choice lies in learning not to take things personally or having compassion for this individual because hurt people hurt people. Perhaps the growth opportunity for you lies in empowering yourself to realize that you don't have to accept this kind of treatment and you don't have to be the victim.
Since I don't know the specifics of the situation, I can't really tell you for sure. Only you know if any of these resonated with you or got you thinking on what your calling is in this situation. However, whether it's cutting this person out of your life completely or learning not to take things personally, remember that you are in charge of the situation. You are not victim; you are a creator. You can choose differently and be empowered. But the one thing that remains the same no matter what the situation is, is that you need to forgive yourself, the person, and let go of the hurt. Release it to the universe, a higher power, whatever you believe in. Remember who you are and that you deserve to be loved, honored, and respected. Remember that people treat you how you allow yourself to be treated and how you treat yourself gives others an idea of how to treat you. Take the best care you can of yourself and do what you need to do for you.
I really hope this helps you and I send you my best wishes! You can totally do this! :o)
First and foremost, do you notice this happening in certain places, situations, and thoughts? For instance, does it seem to be happening only when you're talking about a relationship, a job, or other specific situation? If so, perhaps these experiences aren't resonating with you and aren't what you truly want. This could be a call to take a closer look at the role of these situations in your life and respond accordingly. There's obviously an energy block that is breaking up the flow.
If it's happening randomly or all the time, do a quick inventory. How are you feeling? Are you nervous? Scared about something? Worried? If that's the case, do a quick mini meditation to work through those feelings. There's nothing wrong with doing a quick "take 5" and heading to the rest room or quiet corner to just breathe, relax, and get it together. No one has to know. :o)
Check out where those feelings may be stemming from. Has past experience taught you that your voice or opinion isn't wanted or valid? That's not true at all. Speak strongly and courageously, and like the whole world is listening, because the universe most definitely is. That's pretty big, sis. Are you a little unconfident about what you're saying or overall? Afraid that people won't like you or you'll mess up? If so, before your big presentation or convo with your crush, visualize yourself doing it and nailing it. Visualize yourself being awesome! Top athletes and trainers do this all the time—they visualize their wins. And it works. Your brain doesn't differentiate fantasy from reality, so to your brain, when the actual convo happens, it will be easy to pull off an amazing performance because it's "been there, done that." Practice makes perfect.
When we are flowing with our innermost desires and the universe, we don't really need to "think." We just need to be and allow; to literally go with the flow. Try quieting your left-brained logic, analytical mind—the part of you that always wants to think, think, think!—with meditations. Meditation helps the brain work together as a whole, so it quiets one from over thinking. Yoga is another great way to do this; so is listening to relaxing music.
The left brain is also the area of the brain that governs language; you could be like me where you have so much you want to say or you think faster than you can speak, which can cause you to stutter. Slow down and just take a few deep breaths if you notice yourself beginning to talk faster or stutter.
Lastly, any time you're gearing up to speak to someone, take a deep breath and smile, no matter what you're about to say.
Once you begin to regularly do these things, your awesome brain will begin to learn to do these things as a matter of habit. You'll have literally retrained your brain!
I personally have never used any psychadelics for any purposes. I do know that some shaman regularly use peyote in their ceremonies, which is banned by the United States government unless you are a card carrying member of a tribal church.
Using anything to "party and get wasted" is escapism; joy is our natural state and we can reach this state using a variety of other tools that are healthy for our minds and bodies, like meditation, yoga, exercise, sacred sex, etc. And none of the latter come with a hangover, either. :)
Hi! Thanks for your question!
First and foremost when you say that the men in your life get "so mad", I am not sure what you mean by that, but I DO want to tell you that if getting "mad" includes violence of any kind- physical violence like pushing, slapping, pinching, or kicking; verbal violence like calling you names or putting you down; intimidation like threats or getting in your face; controlling who you see or how you spend- GET OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP NOW, because that is not love. It is intimate partner violence and YOU DO NOT DESERVE THAT.
If this stuff IS going on, please get to safe location and contact your local authorities (911!) or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) or (206) 787-3224 (Video Phone Only for Deaf Callers). They will be happy to help you, because YOU DO NOT HAVE TO LIVE LIKE THIS, and you shouldn't! Please, please, please, get help.
It sounds to me as if you are very confused by the behavior of your partner(s) and don't understand what you are doing to cause them to become so angry with you. These are the things that you need to remember:
1) You are only responsible for your actions. You are NOT responsible for anyone else's behavior or REactions. Let go of blaming yourself for their anger, and realize that this is an issue within them. Do not blame yourself.
2) Are you doing the best you can for yourself & your partner? I believe the answer is YES; we are ALL doing the best that we can. Don't be hard on yourself and think that you should do more. Do the best that YOU can do. That should be more than enough for anyone who truly loves you and wants to work on a relationship with you.
3) A HUGE part of a relationship is effective communication. Try to sit down and have a conversation with your partner about why he is so angry with you. Make sure the discussion has some ground rules:
• One person speaks at a time.
• There will be no disrespectful behavior- name calling, shouting, attacking.
• Open, honest, communication is required.
• Stay on topic.
• Attack the issues, not each other.
• Use "I" statements and avoid blaming each other.
• Be empathetic.
• Try to see the other person's point of view.
If you all are unable to communicate without fighting, try enlisting a neutral party to moderate, seeking professional couples counseling, or being open that this is a sign you should not be in this particular relationship. Just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to be with them. You deserve a partner who can communicate honestly, effectively, and openly with you- and one who is committed enough to the relationship to problem solve with you!
4) A great way to break up a sequence of angry behavior is with humor. We all have patterns of behavior that we get hooked into and sometimes this pattern may include jumping into being angry over small things; oftentimes if we can find a gap between the event and our response, we have a minute to breathe and think about our actions and STOP ourselves from doing the same things we always do. Humor is a great way to insert this gap, this stop & pause moment. Discuss this strategy with your partner. But remember- you cannot change a man, and you cannot do the work for him. You are only responsible for you.
5) Disengage from arguments. Remove yourself from the situation. A shouting match is not an effective form of communication.
6) I strongly suggest that you examine your own behaviors and reactions to his anger. Aggression breeds aggression, so do not act aggressively. Remember to disengage!
7) If this continues to be a pattern in all of your relationships, I strongly suggest you examine the type of men that you are attracted too and why, so that you can be in a happy, healthy relationship that you DESERVE.
8) Remember your "Relationship Rights":
• To always be treated with respect.
• In a respectful relationship, you should be treated as an equal.
• To be in a healthy relationship.
• A healthy relationship is not controlling, manipulative, or jealous.
• A healthy relationship involves honesty, trust, and communication.
• To not be hurt physically or emotionally.
• You should feel safe in your relationship at all times. Abuse is never deserved and is never your fault.
• Conflicts should be resolved in a peaceful and rational way.
• To refuse sex or affection at anytime.
• A healthy relationship involves making consensual sexual decisions. You have the right to not have sex.
• Even if you have had sex before, you have the right to refuse sex for any reason.
• To have friends and activities apart from my boyfriend or girlfriend.
• Spending time by yourself, with male or female friends, or with family is normal and healthy.
• To end a relationship.
• You should not be harassed, threatened, or made to feel guilty for ending an unhealthy or healthy relationship. You have the right to end a relationship for any reason you choose.
I hope that this helps you to find peace within yourself and within your relationship! Always remember to love yourself first.
April Dawn Ricchuito’s Bio
April Ricchuito, D.D., MSW is a writer & consultant in the fields of health, wellness, relationships & spirituality, as well as a celeb makeup artist. She has been published in several magazines, including Social Work Today, Brain World Magazine & VIBE.