Could you? I suppose. It wouldn't be physically impossible for you to do so, assuming that by "5 of me" you mean five people with my last name and not clones, which would be extremely difficult to create/procure. Also, "Quarter" is probably a pretty rare last name, so that would be another roadblock. There is a football player named R.W. McQuarters, which might be close enough.

Should you? I would advise against it, since it is illegal to buy, sell, or trade people against their will, and I can assure you that I would not consent. (Actually, I think it might be illegal to buy, sell, or trade people even WITH their consent. I'll have to check. Either way, not a good idea.) Also, Mr. McQuarters is black, and therefore the whole transaction would be in poor taste, considering.

Would you? I don't know. That's something you have to figure out for yourself. Would you feel comfortable doing such a thing? Would you be able to overcome the moral, ethical, and possibly even legal implications that would accompany such an act? Would you be able to assign a certain specific value to another human being's life? And would it really be worth all the trouble?

I hope that helps. Why do you ask?

I was in a bank that was being robbed when my phone went off at full volume. The robbers got pretty upset since they specifically said "no phones." I was so embarrassed that I pointed at an old lady and said "I think it's hers." I was also embarrassed when they shot her.

Not according to Google Maps!

Hahahaha I'M ON FIRE

You're right, I've always been hilarious.

The only sadist in heaven is God.

OH SNAP DID I JUST GO THERE?

Glad you asked! It got turned into this column I wrote for the University Daily Kansan: http://www.kansan.com/news/2010/oct/04/nichols-gain-procrastinating-skills-upcoming-semin/

Enjoy!

Yes. But then I realize that this is a very stupid thing to wonder because stars are giant balls of gas and do not have eyes.

I wonder if anybody has done a Lord of the Rings parody of that song yet. Frodo, Gollum and Aslan or whoever the fuck all wearing one-piece swimsuits and talking about the one ring to rule them all and all that. I bet it would be hilarious*!

To answer your question, 65%.

*It wouldn't.

I know you want me to say "necks," but I would never stoop to such lowly punnery.

Actually, I don't have a funnier answer, so I'll just go with "necks."

I think they're a hoot.

Only kind of? That's disappointing. We're actually recognized by the Southern Poverty Law Center as a hate group, which we're quite proud of. Guess we'll have to step it up.

Masochists go to the sixth-and-a-half circle of hell, which is a luxurious day spa. Before long, most of the damned are so horribly comfortable that they wish they had been serial killers or false prophets.

"Goddammit, Sam, stop playing it!"

Followed closely by "Here's NOT looking at you, ugly!"

Heaven is actually one big day spa, so masochists are kind of screwed there. If you're a masochist, your best bet is to kill a few people so you can get in on some of that river-of-boiling-blood action.

I will never forget where I was when I heard man had set foot on Planet Hollywood.

I'll refer to my copy of the Poppin' Fresh Youth Bible for this one:

*OMNISCIENCE AND OMNIPOTENCE*

WASSUP TEENS?! It's ya boy, M.C. W.W.J.D. Lemme rap atcha about the hecka tight concept of omniscience. Did you know that Da Big G knows everything that is, ever has been and ever will be?

SAY WHAAAA?!?

You heard me right. He knows everything. Your name, your innermost thoughts, even your favorite hip-hop jam! SIIIICK! He knows all the answers to the questions on that tough math test, too, so pray it up and maybe He'll let you peak at His Holy Answer Key. LOL!

God is also hella talented at feigning disappointment when somebody acts against His will. Since He's omniscient, He totally sees that ish coming -- that whole flood thing was just for show.

You can't surprise Him. In fact, God doesn't even know how to be surprised... JUST PLAYIN', DAWG! He knows how to be surprised. He just never NEEDS to be surprised, because He knows about everything in advance, from that text message you're about to send to that race of people who are about to get genocided.

God is also omnipotent, which means He can DO anything, too. He could totally give you all A's, make all coffee free (talk about a caffeine buzz ROFL) or even stop that genocide from happening. WILL he do any of those things? Who knows? (God does!) But he totally CAN. Like, don't even worry about it, man. He probably has really good reasons for not using His infinite power to stop human suffering all around the glizzobe. Reeeally good reasons. He must know something we don't.

I'm finna end this with a choice verse outta the Old Testament:

"And the Lord was with Judah; and he drave out the inhabitants of the mountain; but could not drive out the inhabitants of the valley, because they had chariots of iron."
—Judges 1:19
You heard it here first: the only thing that can stop God is primitive Bronze Age technology. WORD UP, YO!

Holla atcha boy,

M.C. W.W.J.D.

My favorite iCarly episode is the one where iCarly builds a robot named Chazz out of the parts of a Rascal scooter she stole from an old man she robbed at gunpoint. Chazz suggests they start running a white slavery ring out of her basement, which leads to all sorts of hilarious hi-jinx. That episode also has the most realistic portrayal of intravenous heroin use I have ever seen on a television program.

I think the better question is, how much ground could a groundhog hog if a groundhog could hog ground?

I want to thank you for that excellent question. And before I answer it, I'd also like to thank Formspring for this great forum as well as the Bill Bellamy Presidential Library for providing the venue. This truly is democracy at its finest.

Uh, as for the question, I have to say yes. Yes. I care about the social inequality so hard. When I get up in the morning, the first thing I think about is the social inequality, and when I go to bed the last thing that crosses my mind before I fall asleep is the social inequality. I cannot emphasize enough how much thought I dedicate to the social inequality.

People, good American people such as yourself, often come up to me and as that very same question. They say "Alex," you know, "what are we gonna do about the social inequality?" And I tell them, "we have to do something, that's for certain." And we do. If you were to look at my list of priorities for this country, you'd see that the social inequality is ranked one through ten. Maybe even twenty. That's how dedicated I am to the social inequality.

So, uh, you know, that's how I feel. We need more of the social inequality, and I promise to fight every moment of my term for the cause. More social inequality for all! Thank you.

I met God once. No biggie. He was poppin' a squat behind a CVS. At first I thought he was a homeless dude, so I reached for some change. But then he said, in a relatively booming voice: "I AM GOD!"

I wasn't sure whether to believe him. Why would God be poppin' a squat behind a CVS? There is nothing in scripture to suggest that God would ever pop a squat behind any pharmacy. But then I looked closer. The guy was really old, had a long white beard and was dressed in a robe. Just like in the movies! I was all like "DAAAAAMN, this really is God!"

So I had a nice little chat with him. Now, I don't mean to get all prophetical on yo asses, but over the course of this conversation God bestowed upon me many nuggets of wisdom. I have compiled these nuggets (or "nuggs") into what I call the NEW TEN COMMANDMENTS. Each commandment is a verbatim quote from God Himself. So obey this shit!

1. I AM GOD!
2. I AM GOD!
3. THEY'VE POISONED ALL THE TUNA FISH!
4. WHERE DID THE FAT MAN GO?
5. I AM GOD!
6. THE MATH IS ALL WRONG!
7. I AM GOD!
8. THEY'VE POISONED THE TUNA FISH!
9. THE MATH IS ALL WRONG!
10. ARE YOU MY DAUGHTER?

Truly inspirational. He's just as sharp today as He was when He created Earth 6000 years ago.