-
-
...take a road trip down to Usher's production company (entitled "Lush Ush") in a vintage car that has an extraordinary capacity for picking out great ol' rock'n'roll and blues songs from god knows when.
However, they run into some problems along the way.
Going through Vegas, they scam a casino out of loads of money, using Bieber's mom's Rain Man app on her phone (cos there's always an app for everything!), as well as waking up the next morning and finding a tiger in their hotel suite's bathroom, and a baby in the closet. (It should be mentioned that later in life, this baby turned out to be asexual, so the symbolism surrounding the closet meant absolutely nothing.)
After Vegas, they encountered motocycle-riding hippies, vampires riding in a blacked out caravan, several young couples wildly in love and likely escaping the law (the women always being blonde, too, which is odd), a terminator, a hitcher, a road warrior, and so on and so forth.
Eventually, Brown and Bieber fucked up along the way, and managed to piss off some local law enforcement agencies, who then proceeded to chase them through the desert. (Beiber's cries that they were on a mission from God did nothing to help, seeing as the policemen were angrily atheist.)
Soon, the two accidental fugitives (incidentally, the charges they were charged with were trumped up immensely) drove up to the edge of a cliff, with hundreds of police cars, several helicopters and a Superman heading their way.
They decided to jack up the stereo, share a passionate last kiss, grip hands, and drive off over the edge of the cliff, into a sort of happy endi--
Suddenly, Bieber woke up from her slumber to find Brown still driving down the highways, on their way to Lush Ush Studios.
She sighed happily, glad to find it was all a dream.
Then she saw they were starting to pull up into Vegas... -
...how it was even possible for him to not only break onto the top secret Stone Dine set, and not only lure Bieber's ol' mother to be a guest trier of the pans, and not only manage to create such an intricate booby trap that - bless her - ol' mommy somehow managed to get caught up in (seeing as it was made up of hundreds of brightly coloured, high visibility, glow in the dark, high strength monofilliment), AND not only managed to attach all these boobily trapped pans to the back bumper of his Lamborghini Tyrannico, but how it was even blimmin' possible for him to manage to drag away Bieber's mom, AND the Stone Dine pans, AND the host's dodgy hair, AND the studio, AND the freakin' set, AAAAAAAAND - most astoundingly and improbably of all - the entire massive hulking bulk of the whole of the Earth's core!
(Afterwards, Usher was let off on bail (a staggering billion billion billion billion billion billion dollars, pounds, denare and flingyflangs (the currency of Wales, incidentally)), while a crew of crackpot scientists devised a way to put the Earth's core back where it was, using an ice cream scoop, a particle accelerator, a strand of hair from the head Diego Luna, and the Millenium Stadium...) -
...how she met a young (but still quite evilly powerful) Usher (then known as SHUsher (he was experimenting with his nickname, y'see)), who struck a deal with her that would give her bajillions of dollars to live off of, as long as she did something nefarious for him.
Desperate for money, she semi-reluctantly agreed to his deal, and used his Pen Of Dearly Dead Souls to sign his contract (which looked as if it was made from something leathery and skin-coloured).
And so, SHUsher arranged for Ms. Bieber to be artifically inseminated with a specially designed cyborg foetus, which would grow over 4 and a half months in her womb. (Evil takes less time to grow, y'see.)
And thus, young Justin Beelzebieber was created, and the world itself trembled in fearful trepidation... -
"...(the claws to be implanted into my hands and made retractable), a blowtorch, the cheapest vodka you can find, and a pepperoni pizza!"
And so, later the next day, Bauer locks himself in the room with Usher, shoves a chair under the handle of the door, and then seats himself in front of the delinquent rapper master of terror.
Bauer stares into Usher's eyes, in an attempt to intimidate him.
Usher, of course, has been in the music business for so long, he's met innumerable dudes who are far more terrifying than Bauer...
...but none as hellbent on protecting their country as Bauer is.
Bauer takes a swig of his cheap vodka...then spits it in Usher's face, and bangs his head against the table.
Usher sits up again, a crooked grin across his face. "Never hit your suspect round the head before asking them something, dude. It can make them confused and immune to pa--"
Bauer interrupts Usher by banging Usher's fingers with his hammer.
But Usher is correct in his hypothesis, and feels no pain.
"GodDAMN it, Usher! Give me the information I need! NOW"
"What information? I don't know any information! And besides, you're not exactly being clear about which information you want."
"YOU KNOW!"
"No, I don't!"
"Oooooooh, yes you DO!"
"Ooooooooooh, no I don't!"
"YES YOU DO!"
"No I don't multiplied by INFINITY! Jinx, no comebacks...BITCH!"
Bauer clicks his fingers in frustration. "Jean Claude Van DAMN!"
"Mwahahahahahahahahahaha! Why so serious?"
Bauer then decides to go to his next method of interrogation.
He opens the pizza box and wolfs down a slice of his pepperoni ambrosia in a matter of seconds...before grabbing the rest of the pizza, and folding it over Usher's face.
He then grabs the blowtorch, and starts faintly melting the pizza onto Usher's face skin.
"Nooooooooooooooooooooo! I don't wanna look like Freddy Krueger, man! Stop!"
"I will...once you give me the information!"
"I don't have it!"
Bauer knocks Usher to the floor, and brings out his .44 Magnum.
"You know, in all the confusion, I can't really remember what it is I'm meant to be hearing from you? Is it to with Arnold Schwarzenegger's dodgy dealings with housemaids and other assorted females? Or is it to do with Rupert Murdoch's corrupt organisation? And did I fire six shots or only four?"
"You didn't fire any shots, dude!"
"But how do YOU know? Maybe in a parallel universe I DID fire four shots, or maybe six. Maybe the bullets I fired went into the twilight zone. Maybe you're a giant demon mantis dickbag from the fiery depths of hell who has yet to be killed by Sam and Dean. But I don't know. Anything is possible. The truth is out there. Everybody lies. Be afraid, be very afraid."
"Dude, are you having a meltdown? Maybe you should turn off that blowtorch?"
"What are you talking about, Willis? I ain't getting on no plane, sucka! Hi-diddly-ho, neighbourino! To what do I owe this dubious pleasure? Luke, I am your father. Snakes...why did it have to be snakes? I'll be back. They're heeeeeeeeeere..."
"Uuuum...dude? Have you just been reduced to an unending series of catchphrases?"
Bauer pauses.
"I think I'm having a stroke. And I think I only have 23 minutes to get to a hospital before I die..."
Dee-DOOM! DEE-doom! Dee-DOOM! DEE-doom!
[end credits...next time on 24...] -
...the two following conundrums:
1) If he turned it on, he'd permanantly destroy his autotune machines - the very backbone of his own career - his mobile phone that houses all of the text speak lingo he needs to make up songs (OMG, LOL, ROFL, NSFW, and whatnot), and his cyborg apprentice Justin Bieber.
And 2) The EMP machine isn't actually real. It's only a prop built by the art department for "24" all those years ago, and doesn't do any actual EMPing. And even if it WAS real, it's been out of use for several years now, and its batteries have run out.
Which is why when Murdoch's corrupt poilce come to arrest Usher, they find him bashing in the defunct machine in a frustrated and confused manner - not unlike the way Derek Zoolander and Hansel beat about the computer in "Zoolander," which in itself wasn't unlike the way the apes acted to the obelisk at the start of "2001: A Space Odyssey"... -
...DeVito's demands...but he doesn't have to be happy about it,
ARNIE: "JA! Ja know that nobody's WAHtched our first movie togetHAR in years and years and years - MAHYNly becors its 80's sheen has worn off like cheap Oscar PAHlish and its general QUAHlity is rather low - and that CHOO doing this will only make you a coupla hundred bucks in ze LONG RUN?!"
DeVITO: "I don't care, man! I need all the money I can get these days! Have you seen me do any truly good movies lately?! The last film I did that was any good was Erin frickin' BROKOVICH! And that film wasn't nearly as good as people made it out to be! Julia Roberts won over Ellen frickin' BURSTYN, for the love of god!"
ARNIE: "Which Oscars were these?"
DeVITO: 73rd.
ARNIE: Oh, JA! I was banging some BROAHD on that chair you're sitting on!
DeVITO: Eeeeew!
ARNIE: Oh, grow AHP! Oh, wait, I'm SAHrry...you CAHN'T! Harharharharharhar!
DeVITO: That was uncalled for, you douchenozzle.
ARNIE: Sorry.
DeVITO: It's all right, We can move past this. Just give me what I want, and I won't spill those plentiful beans about you. Beleeeeeeeve me, you don't want some comedian repetitously mocking you at the MTV Movie Awards, do you? DO YOU?!
ARNIE: JA! No!
DeVITO: So, make with the deal.
ARNIE: Uuuuum...I CAHN'T.
DeVITO: Why?
ARNIE: Well...I lost the rights to it.
DeVITO: You WHAT?!
ARNIE: I lost the rights to it in a poker game with the head of AMC. He's planning on turning it into a TV series.
DeVITO: AMC? Really?
ARNIE: JA! All the violence and adult subject matter of an R rated movie, combined with the limited swearing and sexual innuendos of a PG-13.
DeVITO; Yeah, except even a PG-13 can use the word "fuck" at least once, at most 3 times. AMC, however, only ever use "shit" and its shitting derivitives. It's a non-sensical mixture, really.
ARNIE: JA! This is true!
DeVITO: But enough of why AMC isn't really that good. The point is, since you can't give me what I want, I'm going to give you what you DON'T want!
ARNIE: I can stop you if I want to. I've silenced all the investigative journalists and colleagues who've tried to uncover my discretions! What makes you think you can escape my grasp?!
DeVITO Simple. I have John Travolta listening in and recording this very conversation outside, right now! As soon as we're done, he'll drive off and send the tape to whoever can tell everyone about this!
ARNIE: Why Travolta?
DeVITO: Well, we worked with Kelly Preston on Twins, didn't we?
ARNIE: Ja...?
DeVITO: And she's married to him, now. And he can't ever watch Twins again, because you screw his wife in it!
ARNIE: Oh, JA! Oh...shieza.
DeVITO: Exactly. Now, before I go, I have one last piece of advice for you before your life falls apart...
ARNIE: What?
DeVITO: BE COOL! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! -
...La, dear Arnold, must you really act so brutish?"
ARNOLD: JA! Thaht is ma WAY!
DOWNEY JR: Well, before you do anything drastic, let me just say this...
[At this point, Downey lept up out of the chair he had been tied to (he untied himself by scratching at the ropes repeatedly with a piece of glass from a bottle that had been smashed over his head), and backflipped impressively onto the shoulders of Arnie, before standing up on the shoulders completely, then bending down and performing a Vulcan death grip on Arnie, to which Arnie can't help but comply to. Downey calmly walks off of Arnie's unconscious body, and grabs his jacket, glasses and hat, and leaves...]
Meanwhile, DeVito has been arrested by the Miami Police Department, after he was caught trying to shag the leg of Horatio Caine. ("This dog...is NOT...man's best friend," Caine was heard to quip.)
During his time in unrealistically sunny Miami, DeVito is interrogated by Caine about how and why he came to be here in such an insane capacity.
DeVito says he'll tell Caine, as long as he recieves protection from a very powerful news mogul...and not the crappy protection that winds up getting inevitably killed by the people after the guy they're protecting, but real PROPER protection that will actually do their fucking job.
Caine nods his head slowly, removes his hands from his hips, slowly puts back on the sunglasses he had taken off literally 30 seconds ago, and says:
"Life's a bitch, so I promise you, dawg, that you'll be protected...doggy style..."
"I really hope you don't mean that doggy style bit, sir..."
Meanwhile, Kid Rock is continuuing to hang around outside Arnold's place, seeking a payoff so that he won't reveal what he knows. The conundrum of the situation, which he's too dumb to realise IS a conundrum, is that he couldn't reveal what he knows to anyone because he won't leave Arnold's place and Arnold won't pay off Kid Rock, so the cycle will continue: Arnold won't pay, Kid Rock will wait, and Kid Rock won't leave to tell anyone his info until he gets paid.
But then, Downey passes Kid Rock outside the house.
"Hey, hey, hey, maaaaaan."
"Yes, good sir?"
"Have you seen Arrrrrrnoooooold, maaaaan? Cos I gots to get my mooooney."
"I'm afraid he's out for the count at the moment, good sir. However, he's personally given me a share of his money with which to give you, so here you go." [Downey hands over a briefcase, filled with thrice as much money as Arnold ever might've planned to give Kid Rock.]
"Gee. Thanks, maaaaaaan."
"You're jolly welcome. NOW, I'm off to solve more crimes..." -
Well, let's see...
There's been:
El Nino Keano.
KEAN-OOOOH!
Jackky Coins.
Jacob Bolton (due to my supposed similarity to someone else with that name, but frankly I still don't think we looked anything alike).
Fat C**t was a popular one.
Twat was also very popular.
I dunno, I've had many a nickname... -
The hotel room itself.
Or perhaps the room itself, AND the hall outside, so that I could turn it on its side (vertically), and add a rotary motor to the underside of it so that I can recreate that particular scene from "Inception"... -
...goons to follow Downey Jr. around and make sure he doesn't do anything stupid, like uncover their vast tapestry of deceit and betrayal.
Meanwhile, DeVito, whilst trapped in the kennel, begins to find himself being able to understand what the animals around him in their own kennels and pet carriers are saying...
...whilst at the same time, Downey Jr. is highly bothering the policemen around him, as he acts all Sherlocky and acts as if he's smarter than the rest of them. (Admittedly, he solves 23 cases in a row, in the space of 4 hours whilst he's in the Yard, but he's an ACTOR, for crying out loud! Actors can't do the policeman's job, even if the policeman in question is incompetent and corrupt...)
Another day passes, and DeVito has befriended a golden retriever named Vincent.
Another day, and Downey Jr. has been the subject of intense hazing by the Yarders. Unforunately for them, he's too smart (and too good with the one-liners) to fall for their tricks, often ending up with the policemen getting egg/porridge/angel dust/knives on and in their faces.
Another day, and DeVito awakens on a desert island, after the plane he was on crashed mysteriously. Vincent informs DeVito that he's off to go and momentarily pass by a man named Jack, get lost in the jungle, get found by his owners, ditch his owners, wander around the island for an undefinable amount of time, and eventually go back to Jack and lay beside him as the guy lays dying at the end of the season.
DeVito hasn't got a fucking clue what Vincent's on about, and tells him as such, to which Vincent replies that even he doesn't get it, but he has a job to do, and he's going to do, because he's a dog, an-- SQUIRREL! Then he runs off.
Another day, and Downey Jr. continues to infuriate the Yarders with his uncanny ability to do actual policework. Tired with this, the Yarders attempt to ambush Downey Jr. by pretending to give him a tour of the cells in the station, before locking him in with a cellblock full of violent, beefy, thick thugs whose only purpose in life is to - as the Boss says out loud - "fuck people up".
However, Downey Jr. wins again, because earlier that day, he overheard two police officers - well, I say "overheard," but I really mean that he was standing right there next to them, and they were too stupid to notice - mention the plan to lock him up with violent inmates, so beforehand, Downey Jr. stuffed into his pockets a lighter, a can of Impulse body spray, a pen, some masking tape, and a tiny bottle of vodka.
Twenty minutes after having been locked in with the inmates, the police hear yelling and commotioning within the cellblock, so check out what's happened.
They find that Downey Jr. has defeated every one of the inmates, by alternating between lightly burning them with the improvised flamethrower made from the lighter and Impulse, by stabbing some in the neck (but not the jugular) with the pen, by punching some with his masking-tape-protected fists, and by spitting vodka in some of their eyes.
He stands atop the large pile of unconscious bodies of inmates, downing the rest of the vodka in one long, victorious gulp. (Downey Jr. downed the drink. Geddit?)
Finally, the Yarders give up trying to get rid of him, and just let him get on with his job.
Meanwhile, DeVito finally escapes the island, after what is technically 37 years being on it (time travel and wormholes are a right bitch), by using a wormhole to travel back in time to when he was about to be loaded onto the plane. He punches his way through the wood of the kennel, and runs to freedom.
Downey Jr., meanwhile, has uncovered all the evidence he needs to crucify (metaphorically, not literally) Murdoch and the members of the police who tried to keep the conspiracy going. But he needs to get out of Scotland Yard without anyone noticing, otherwise he'll be "taken care of".
Later that day, a suspect comes into the station - a supposed drug dealer. Downey Jr. says he'll take care of it, and escorts the dealer to his cell.
Minutes later, Downey Jr. leaves the cell, having proved that the dealer did nothing wrong, so the police let the man go.
However, just as the dealer is leaving, a female police officer discovers that the files on the Yarder's computer network regarding Murdoch and the like have been hacked, and races to stop Downey Jr. from going anywhere.
She finds Downey Jr. in the men's room, and kicks in his cubicle door...to find the drug dealer there.
Now here's the clever bit in flashback:
The dealer is actually an old friend of Downey Jr's, who instead of dealing drugs actually deals in disguises.
When Downey Jr. escorted him to his cell, the two men exchanged money, and disguises - the dealer donned a perfect latex replica of Downey Jr's face, and Downey Jr donned a perfect replica of the dealer's face.
They changed clothes, adjusted their voices (they're both actors, so they're pretty good at it), then the dealer-as-Downey Jr. left the cell, and got Downey-Jr-as-the-dealer to be let free.
And thus, as the female detective figures this all out, Downey Jr. walks down a back alley, rips off the latex mask, turns the reversibles clothes inside out, and walks out into the middle of a non-ruined London.
He hails a taxi, and as he drives past the Yard again, he sees the female detective, who eyes him angrily.
Unable to resist, Downey Jr. exits past the Yard - and the woman - AND to freedom...and to Arnie - by yelling out the window:
"DISGUISE THE LIMIT!" -
Once DeVito has infiltrated the circle (that's what she said!), he goes inside Murdoch's board room, where Murdoch is talking with Rebekah Brooks, Andy Caulson, a member of New Scotland Yard, and a journalist from NOTW who's waiting for Murdoch to sign off on their latest story.
DeVito simply stands in front of the table, listening with his ears and with the wire taped to his hairy hairy chest. Nobody notices he's there because...well...you know...
MURDOCH: So, 'ow arr we gettin' on wiv tha tappin' of Siennah Millah's fone?
BROOKS: Ever so well, my pretty. Aaaaaah-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
CAULSON: Yes, what she said, sir. We've currently got her phone as tapped as a prozzie's arse, sir.
MURDOCH: Stop callin' me "sir," you bleedin' leech.
CAULSON: Yes, sir.
MURDOCH: *exasperated sigh*
POLICEMAN: As for that old woman who saw us break into Ms. Miller's place and do our procedure, we gave her a new Stanna stairlift in return for her silence, guv'nor.
MURDOCH: AAAAnd?
POLICEMAN: Well, she also wanted some new dentures, a visit from her grandson, a copy of Midsomer Murders: series 7 on DVD, and some Turkish delights...and a new bungalow...and a swingset...guv'nor.
MURDOCH: So, will orll THAT shut the ol' bag up?!
POLICEMAN: We're positive of it, guv'nor.
MURDOCH: Stop callin' me "guv'nor".
POLICEMAN: Right you are, guv'nor!
MURDOCH: *exasperated sigh*
BROOKS: Shall I let my flying monkeys go and check on Steve Coogan's tapped phone, too? Aaaaaaaaaaaah-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
MURDOCH: Arr yew just using that as an excoose to nab sum mor-ah children for you ta eat?
BROOKS: Maybe. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
MURDOCH: *exasperated sigh* Foine. Go a'ead.
BROOKS: *unfastening the flying monkey's cage* FLY, my PRETTIES! FLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLY! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
MURDOCH: *calling out the window* And make shoor you bring me back sum 'aribo Starmix, a'ight?!
CAULSON: Can I get them to get me a moccha latte frapeachinno hot choc bells and whistles coffee, too, sir?
MURDOCH: I sahppose so. But don't use all yorr pocket money, y'hear?
CAULSON: Yes, sir. *runs out of room to catch up with flying monkeys*
BROOKS: DRAT! I should've gotten them to get me a bottle of Sunny-D. It makes the child blood wash down so much smoothlier. Aaaaaaaaaa-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
MURDOCH: Rebekah, PLEASE, would ya stop doin' that fahkin' LAFF?! It's giving me a bleedin' migraine!
BROOKS: Sorry, my pretty.
POLICEMAN: Uum...am I done? I think I'm supposed to be out stopping crime, or something, guv'nor.
MURDOCH: Oh, wot's gonna 'appen? Eh? D'ya think there's gonna be some kinda massive riot in the middle of Lahndan, or summink?
[Actually, Mr. Murdoch, you're not half right about that!]
MURDOCH: Who said that?!
[I DID! The Transcriber is my name, and exposing secret meetings of immense implausibility is my game!]
MURDOCH: *exasperated sigh*
***
After this took place, DeVito quietly sneaked out of the room, and exited through the gift shop... (Did I mention DeVito is Banksy? More on that later...) -
...that he never knew nothing about no being fathered by the Governator, and that if anyone said he knew anything, he'd want them DEAD, he'd want their family DEAD, he'd want their house burnt to the ground so he could piss on their ashes, and so on.
But after this debacle around his DNA test (which proved inconclusive, after Cooper managed to bribe one of the technicians who handled his DNA samples), Cooper then decided to take revenge on Piers, Murdoch and the News of the World, by proving that Rebekah Brooks' hair was in fact fake, and made entirely from red denim and children's blood. (I did say she was a witch, didn't I? More on that later.)
However, that dastardly bastardly Murdoch gets away with it again, because on the night before Cooper can go on the air and prove that Brooks' hair is made from red denim and children's blood - and that she should be dunked in a river like they used to do to supposed witches during that whole Salem witch trial fandango - Murdoch gets one of his goons to intercept Cooper, capture him, detain him for an indefinite period, and be replaced by a cyborg version of Cooper who does whatever Murdoch commands him to.
So, now that Murdoch has once again foiled any further attempts to uncover his vast empire and tapestry of deceit and witchcraft, who now will come forward to try and expose the twin conspiracies of Arnold's adulterous shenanigans and Murdoch's evil phone tapping and warlocking?
Who will save the day?
Who?!
WHO?!?!?! -
The smell of new clothes, perhaps...or baking bread...or a good book (Cormac McCarthy and Harry Potter books are recommended)...oh, I dunno. I'm the most indecisive douchelamus in the world...
-
..."Mac Tiernon Schwartz" to one of mah DAHters, in honour of my OWN SAHname, as well as ConAHN's dahrector, John McTiernon. And THAHT'S just on COH-NAHN!
MARIA: What, there's MORE?!
ARNIE: JA! There ver the vuns I FAHdered on TAHminahtor, and the vuns I FAHdered on TWEENS - just ahsk Danny DeVEEto! - and I the vuns I did on KINTderGARTEN Cahp, and the vuns on TAHminahtor TOO--
MARIA: Judgement Day?!
ARNIE: JA! Plus, the vuns on True LAAAAHS--
MARIA: Which, it must be said, can be easily and ironically linked to this situation.
ARNIE: JAAAAAA! PreZISEly! Zo, as ah was saying, there vas the vuns on ERAHser, and CoLLAHteral DAHmage--
MARIA: Another title fitted to this situation perfectly.
ARNIE: READ Heet, JOONior, ARAHND ze VORLD in ATEY Deeeehs, that film I did about CHRIZTmas--
MARIA: The one you starred in, or the one you directed?
ARNIE: BOTH! JA!
MARIA: Has there ever been a time you DIDN'T film a film and NOT father multiple children?
ARNIE: Apart from that PAHRNO film I did, every film I made some kids.
MARIA: Wait, you never starred in a porno, did you? Are you confusing yourself with Sly Stallone again?
ARNIE: JA! My BRAIN is stahrting to FRY from all ze SEX ah've been HAZZING!
MARIA: Because your brain is located in your penis?
ARNIE: JA!
PIERS: Enough mindless chit-chat and film referencing and penis jokes, already! It is time for us to begin our showdown, bitch!
MARIA: Hey!
PIERS: No, not you, the other guy.
ARNIE: HEY!
PIERS: Are we going to do this, or what?
ARNIE: JA! Let me just get my TOOLS...
PIERS: No tools! We must use our bare hands and fight like true and proper men, Mr. Schwarzenegger!
ARNIE: JA! Why do you talk like ze English subtitles for my MOVEFIE, ze LAHST Action HERO?
PIERS: Because I am posh, pretentious, privately schooled and prissy like a tight arsed mother superior in the winter.
ARNIE: JA! Has ahnyone ezer told you zat you sound az iff you MAHght be a bit...ja know...
PIERS: My dear sir, never has ANYONE in the HISTORY of the WORLD so FAR ever SAID that I SOUND like a GAY man!
ARNIE: JA! Are you ZURE?!
PIERS: Positive! In fact, if I did not make sure my BlackBerry blocked all mentions of my name on the Internet, I am almost entirely sure that there would still be no allusions to that conclusion!
ARNIE: JA! Iff you zay so...
PIERS: Now is NOT the time to debate my sexuality--
MARIA: Or your questionable references, your generally unpleasant frog face, your time at the News of the World--
PIERS: QUIET YOU! Do NOT speak about my Master in a derogatory way, for he has NEVER in his LIFE done anything immoral or unethical like tapping everybody's phone who happens to have crossed his radar--
ARNIE: JA! Wait, WAHT did you say?
MARIA: Yeah, can you repeat those last words for us? Out of curiosity, of course.
PIERS: If you want to read back some imaginary minutes of our current conversation and see what I said, then just ask the imaginary guy transcribing everything we say!
[Fair enough. Since Piers did ask and say those words out loud, and in no way did I fabricate him saying anything at all, I'll repeat what he said for the benefit of Maria and Arnie: "...NEVER in his LIFE [has he] done anything immoral or unethical like tapping everybody's phone who happens to have crossed his radar..." I certainly hope this helped. Carry on, you three. This is Arrested Development!]
MARIA: Oh, my god! See? I didn't think I was going mad. The transcriber just proved it! You KNOW something about Murdoch tapping everybody's phones, DON'T YOU?!
PIERS: No, I know nothing, I know nuthin', whddaya talkin' about, what is dis, what IS dis, you know nothin' you know NOTHING, shuddupayorface, guvnor.
ARNIE: JA! Are zyou hazzing a BRAHKdown?
PIERS: No, I just swallowed this cyanide pill I had plamed in my plam!
MARIA: Plammed in your plam?
PIERS: PALMED in my PALM! Jeez, can't a guy get a break from making a few typos?! SHEESH!
ARNIE: JA, well, if you've taken a cyanide pill, why aren't you DAHD?!
PIERS: I dunno, but it'll work eventually. You'll NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE! FLY, my pretties! FLY! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
MARIA: Um...I think he's lost it a little bit.
ARNIE: JA! I zink ze pressure of hiding this conspiracy has made him go BAHNKors. Would zyou AHgree, Transcriber?
[I certainly would! He has now completely cuckoo for cocoa puffs, if you ask me, which you just did. So, what are you going to do, now that Piers has had a nervous breakdown and you've discovered Arnie's shenanigans and a conspiracy surrounding Murdoch's vast and glorious evil empire (not entirely unreminescent of the Empire in Star Wars, I might add)?]
MARIA: Um...
ARNIE: JA! We'll get BAHK to you!
[You might even say: You'll be BAHK!? Huh? Huh?]
ARNIE: Please. No. Just...don't... -
Roy Budd's instrumental Main Theme for "Get Carter".
(But don't quote me on that, cos I may change my mind in a matter of days from now...) -
...LOOOOK at zyou in ze EYE! Now, I'm afraid you've given me no choice but dizPOSE of you ALL!
MAN #4: What are you gonna do to us, sir?
ARNIE: JA! Half of ze TORCHA--
MAN #2: Say what?
ARNIE: TORcha!
MAN #7: Whaddidya say?
ARNIE: Tor! CHA! T-O-R-T-U-R-E!
MAN #1: Oh, right, we get it now. Carry on, sir.
ARNIE: So AHNAWAY...if we are DAHN with zese stalling tactics...I waz saying that half of ze TORCHA is the SAHspence of naht knowing what's about to be done to zem!
MAN #8: Oh, dude, please tell us.
ARNIE: Noooo! Now, let me get mah TOOLS...
[Suddenly, before Arnie can get his tools, Piers bursts into the room (with the helicopter) sending debris and wood and brick and metal flying all through the room. Miraculously, the chopper's rotary blade managed to chop off the ropes holding the men in their chairs without harming them (except for MAN #2, whose left hand got lopped off like a hunk of hand-shaped butter). The men run out of the room, leaving Piers and Arnie alone to have their EPIC, and FINAL showDOWN!...
...but now it's time for a quick ad break, so DON'T GO AWAY!] -
...guy replies to Piers by saying: "Sure."
He pulls Piers' finger, unwittingly setting off the following chain of events:
Just as the guy was in the middle of pulling Piers' finger, Piers - in a split second - grabs the guy's lighter from his other hand, flicks open a new flame, holds it in front of his ass, while the guy - unable to stop himself due to the laws of physics and momentum - completes the pulling of Piers' finger.
This completes the metaphorical curcuit that provides Piers with a large enough expellation of methane (that's the poshest way you'll ever hear someone doing a fart gag in your life) to ignite the lighter's flame, which he then uses as an impromtu flame thrower, aimed at the copter's pilot.
The flames - hotly flickering against the pilot's neck and helmet - throws the pilot violently off guard, causing him to relent control of the chopper's controls.
Piers seizes the opportunity to knock out the pilot using a Vulcan death grip (did I mention Piers was an evil Vulcan? More on that later...), pushing him aside and on top of the guy who provided Piers with the lighter.
Piers takes control of the copter, swerves it around in a violent and sudden circle, henceforth throwing the other men out of the chopper and onto the ground below. (Don't worry, the guys didn't suffer much injuries...except for the ones Arnie inflicted on them later in the story.)
After that, Piers sets his sights towards the Schwarzenegger/Shriver home, and speeds towards it, with vengeance in mind... -
...will make shoor dat that Piers Mooorgan fellow doesn't get anawhere NEAR to discahvering the TRUTH. I'm gonna zend some GAYHS--
MILDRED: Some gays?!
ARNOLD: Nooo, some GAYHS! Spelt G-U-Y-S.
MILDRED: Oh, I see.
ARNOLD: YAH! Ahnyway, I'm gonna send some GAYHS to Piers' HOWSE later today, and get zem to GET HIM TO THA CHOPPA! After that, they'll take CARE of him, if you see what I mean. Then, ahfta THAT, they'll make shoor that HE'LL BE BAHK home, and that he won't say ahnahther word. YAH!
MILDRED: Coolio, Sir. By the way, I'm picking up your kids from school in an hour, then I'll get round to doing your laundry and cleaning your massive Humvee.
ARNOLD: YAH! Do you want to squeeze in anahther session of pahssionate, noisy, vahiolent SEX?
MILDRED: Yes, can do, Sir.
ARNOLD: YAH! Excellent! Now, let me hang up. Ah've just been called about doing ah movie called "The Expendables"... -
...whipped out his mmmmmmmmMASSIVE wallet, and started counting bills and handing them over to the lawmen that had arrested him. However, incessantly outraged and appalled, the men shoved Jose's cash back in his hands, before telling him:
"You idiot! Do you really think that decent, hardworking and upstanding law enforcement officers like ourselves would ever accept a BRIBE?! No, Mr. Bose, no no no! These days, we do it properly and borrow your money from the evidence locker after you're locked up! So there. Now, book 'em, Dano!" -
...easy, that when he had started listening to the 23 minutes long track "Echoes" on Pink Floyd's "Meddle," the opening "PING!" section had yet to even reach its middle section.
Anyway, Mildred got Murdoch to get Jose to hack into Schwarzenegger's phone, and what Jose found was quite astonishing.
As well as finding Arnie had been called by numerous movie studios, 453 different women (not including those he worked with in his capacities as actor and governator), several phone sex lines, a couple of stalkers, the author of this dictation's father and a male equivalent of an OB/GYN, Jose also found that Arnie had been making calls to--
Wait, hold on. Someone's knocking on my door.
Hello?
What do you mean, "shut your fucking mouth before Mr. Schwartz shuts it for you"?
I have a duty to my Formspring followers to spread the truth! You can't silence me!
Don't you wave that knife in MY face, techtard!
That's not a knife...THIS is a knife!
Now scram, before I egg you like the punk kids you are!
Phew!
Sorry about that.
Now, where was I...?
-
Jack Keane’s Bio
These days, I use Formspring to create intricate, fantastical sagas (and to incessantly mock annoying celebrities)...
