Want to know about sex, love, relationships, STIs, contraception and protection? Ask here
Recent Responses
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It depends on if you mean fellatio or cunnilingus, or whether or not you're using protection. If you meant fellatio, here (http://goo.gl/xuelR) is a post from Go Ask Alice!, a great online resource about sexual health and sexuality.
If you meant cunnilingus, the same general advice applies. It's hard to find exact numbers, but STI transmission rates are generally lower for cunnilingus than other types of sex, as it involves minimal penetration. If there are any open sores or cuts in your mouth or on her vulva, that will increase your risk. Using a dental dam is always a good idea because it can minimize risk for both partners -
The obvious choice is vaginal intercourse. Because of the presence of menstrual blood, there is an elevated risk of STI transmission, but using barrier protection, like a condom can minimize that risk. On the plus side, the blood can act as a natural lubrication. Just make sure you put a towel down, especially if you have a heavy flow.
You can also have anal sex. And keep in mind that anal sex doesn’t always mean penile penetration. You can use toys, fingers and tongues too.
And don’t forget non-intercourse types of sex. If you’re into BDSM, you could role play, use restraints, use blindfolds, do spanking, or whatever else floats your boat.
Oral sex is still on the table, too. He won’t be bleeding (or at least we hope he isn’t), so that won’t be getting in the way. But don’t rule out cunnilingus entirely. If you use a barrier (i.e. a dental dam), you can avoid contact with the menstrual blood. If you’re not comfortable with that, there are still other ways to have fun.
OK, we threw out a bunch of options. If you need us to clarify any of these terms or acts, just ask! -
[Note: Sorry it took us so long to respond to this question. We were waiting for the results of the National College Health Assessment at Northwestern. It’s a survey of almost 750 NU undergrads, and we wanted to get you the most recent, most relevant numbers]
Not at all! There’s no “weird” when it comes to sex, just like there’s no “normal”. What’s more important is that you’re comfortable with the sex you’re having or not having. It’s a decision that you get to make with your partner.
That said, if you’re still wondering what your peers are up to, according to the NCHA, only 51% of Northwestern undergraduate men have ever had vaginal intercourse*. That’s including freshmen through seniors. So try not to worry about if you’re keeping up, and just do what’s right for you and your partners
*54% of females had engaged in vaginal intercourse. -
What's more important than any specific technique is open communication with your partner. What one thing might feel good to one woman, another might not be so crazy about that same thing. Ask her what she likes, or better yet, ask her to show you. That said, there are a few things that generally go over pretty well.
The clitoris is a very sensitive area, and many women enjoy direct stimulation. Stimulation, both to the hood of skin covering the clitoris, and the glans if the hood is pulled back, can be very pleasurable. NSFW link: http://goo.gl/zAOtD Picture of a woman’s external genitals. One thing you can do is ask your partner is to pull back the hood, so the glans is revealed.
The G-Spot is another go-to. While its existence has been debated, and here isn’t the place to go into that, a lot of women like stimulation to a particular spot. You can find it if you’re between your partner’s legs and you insert a finger or two 1-3 inches into her vagina and making a “come hither” gesture. Make sure that everything is well lubricated, and make sure that she’s ok with you penetrating her.
And make sure you’re going at a good pace. While it can be hot to rip each other’s clothes off and dive right in, consider taking it slowly and teasingly sometimes. Spend a little bit of time kissing her belly and thighs, then work your way to her labia and closer to her clitoris.
Protection is important for oral sex. While performing cunnilingus on a woman, you can use a dental dam (a latex barrier) to protect you both from HPV, herpes and other STIs.
You asked specifically on practicing, and the best way to practice is with a partner that’s up for some exploration. There’s no reason to be embarrassed that you’ve never gone down on a girl before, and you can both have a fun learning experience. -
We tried to find an answer on the internet, but honestly, we're not sure. We can say, it's nothing to be worried about. The consistency of semen can change easily, based on your diet, hydration and sexual activity.
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Sorry for the brevity, but we're trying to get caught up with our questions. Check out what sex columnist Dan Savage has to say about it: http://goo.gl/uaaNs
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It honestly depends on the woman. Some women can get off with little or no physical stimulation. Others might be having sex for years before they ever have an orgasm during partnered sex, often through no fault of theirs or their partners’.
Congrats on helping both of your partners reach an orgasm, but don’t get thrown off if women you’re with in the future find it more difficult to reach orgasm. It’s important to pay attention to mutual pleasure, and not to focus too much on the Big O. An orgasm should be the means, not the end. -
There's a great post on Scarleteen that answers this better than we could. Check it out here: http://goo.gl/IAWok
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Great question! Try masturbating or having sex. It's a great way to end the day, and a lot of people say that they drift right off to sleep after they're finished.
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While it is no longer National Masturbation Month, we still encourage you to have plenty of solo sex. It's fun, safe, healthful and it's a great way to learn more about your body. It's also great practice for partnered sex; the more you practice, the easier it will be for you to communicate to a partner what feels good.
Sorry it took so long to get back to you, and thanks for the tip! -
We asked around, and I think my favorite response was something to the effect of, "It's kind of like camel-toe. It's unfortunate, but it happens." If you're concerned about it, I think the best thing you can do is get some pants that give you a little more breathing room down there.
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Because there's no universally accepted metric for outlandishness, there can't be any hard and fast rule about when to tell your partner about your kinks. For example, someone might be into hardcore BDSM, but not be very receptive to kinks that a lot of people might consider more vanilla. It's different for every person, so you have to gauge how open your partner is going to be the specific situation you want to bring up.
While you won't always be lucky enough to end up with a partner with all of the same kinks, you do deserve to be with someone who won't judge you for your sexual desires (so long as they're safe and consensual), and is willing to meet you halfway. They might not be into light bondage, for example, but might be willing to tie you up every now and again, because making you happy makes them happy. It's a double edged sword, though; you have to accomodate your partner as well. If the idea of bondage or forced restraint is a big turn off for them, or it causes them a lot of stress, it might be better to explore some other kinks instead.
So how do you come out as kinky? Again, it's going to depend on you and your partner. If you think that the best way to do it is casually or seductively, go for it. And you have the right idea about starting small first. Start with something a little more tame, something that you think would be less likely to scare them off. If they might be a little bit wary about your kinks, it might be better to sit down and have a talk with them. A great way to go about this is with a Yes/No/Maybe chart. A Y/N/M chart is basically just a big list of sex acts, kinky or not, with a checkbox for Yes, No, and Maybe. You and your partner both take one and fill it out, and compare your results. It's a great way to find out what you're partner is into and to tell them what you like. Here's an example of a Y/N/M chart (goo.gl/IJSka This one's structured a little differently, but you get the idea). -
Short answer is no. The longer answer is no, but you can still pass along pubic lice or crabs, which technically aren't a "disease" or "infection". They're similar to head lice, only they make their home in your pubic hair rather than on your head. It's fairly easy to treat, however annoying or irritating it might be. Even if you are sharing underwear or other clothing, if they've been washed in hot water before you wear them, any lice that might have been in there would probably be dead.
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To give us some help answering this question, we turned to Jesse Quinn, a University of Oregon sophomore and longtime friend of SHAPE member Jai Broome. At the UofO, Jesse is a Resident Assistant at the Gender Equity Hall, a Women and Gender Studies Facilitator, a mentor in the OUTreach program, and member of the Queer Ally Coalition. He is also the founder of the Gay-Straight Alliance at the high school he and Jai attended. Jesse's response below:
"Dating within the queer community can be tough, but it is possible. To give the hetero audience an idea of the dating pool in the queer community, imagine one in ten individuals are considered queer, and suppose you are attracted to the same gender. Divide that by two; you are now able to date less than five percent.
How do you find these five percent to date? Get involved in community efforts and volunteer opportunities. Trust me, it will make you look sexy. There are many queer opportunities on campuses and organizations. Ask your local queer resource group for advice.
In my experience as a gay man, I have often gone to "gay church" (the gym) and caught the glance of a passerby. I do believe in the power of my gaydar but I have also accepted its flaws. Follow your intuition and don't be afraid to ask and clarify, as long as you feel safe in the situation. Some individuals use the Internet to find dates, this method must be used with extreme caution. Some sites such as MANHUNT and Grindr are notorious for a quick hookup rather than relationship, however I've known friends to find partners through such sites. Dating in the queer community may seem difficult but hopefully some of these tips will help." -
Before we get to your question, we have to tackle the concept of virginity. There's a great interview (http://goo.gl/IAWok) at Scarleteen that we linked to in a previous post that you should definitely check out if you're worrying about your first time (whether in a group sex setting or not).
There are some issues with the way a lot of people think about "virginity". There's less rational backing for it than you might think. For example, a "virgin" might not have her hymen intact, and you can get STIs from other sexual activity. The possibility of pregnancy is one of the few "side effects" that is unique to vaginal intercourse. By and large, it doesn't fundamentally change someone the first time they have vaginal sex.
Regardless, any new sexual situation can be stressful, or make you nervous, so it's important to be with a person (or people) that you're comfortable with. If you're considering a threesome with specific people, and you feel like everyone would have fun, be safe, and respect everyone else's boundaries, there's no reason why this wouldn't be a good way to explore your sexuality. Make sure that everyone is clear about their expectations before the clothes come off, and, as always, everyone has the right to say "No" at any time. -
The easiest piece of advice that we can give is masturbate more. Rub one out before class. There's nothing wrong with masturbation, and there are some good reasons to do it; in addition to curbing your sex drive when you need to focus, it can help with stress, sleep, and it's great practice for having partnered sex (you wouldn't run a marathon without training, would you?). And it feels good.
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Yes, it is absolutely something that happens to normal people, and it doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you. Most likely, the pain you felt was the tearing or stretching of your hymen. The hymen is a fleshy membrane, present at birth, that covers the entrance to the vagina. If it's still intact the first time a girl is vaginally penetrated, it can be very painful.
So what can you do about it? Masturbate. Masturbation is important for women and men while they're discovering what feels good to them. If it hurts to be penetrated, figure out something else that works for you. For most women, the clitoris, that little button above the vaginal opening, is one of the most sensitive parts of their whole bodies, and an essential part of sexual pleasure. It's common for women to be able reach orgasm through clitoral stimulation alone, with no vaginal penetration.
Another essential is lube. The vagina is self-lubricating, but often times, it just makes things a little bit easier to have a some extra help. Pick up a small container at CVS or Searle, or you can get a single-serving package of lube in a SHAPE Safer Sex Six Pack (in the SHAPE office in Elder, Tuesdays from 5-7, or on the 3rd floor of Searle, behind the receptionist's desk, during business hours).
One of the reasons that masturbation is so important is that after you discover what feels good, it is so much easier for you to convey that to your partner. Many people find it awkward to tell their partner what to do, but you can make it sexy. When you know what you want him to do, try seductively whispering into his ear, "I want you to touch me like this," while you show him what you like.
If you're going to be interested in having penetrative sex, with fingers, penises, dildoes, vibrators or anything else, explore by yourself first. Go slowly, and use plenty of lube. Over time, the hymen can become more stretched out and be more accommodating. Some women naturally have thicker or thinner, tougher or weaker hymens, so you'll just have to go at a pace that's right for you.
For a little extra reading, check out this great post at Scarleteen: http://goo.gl/IAWok
One final caveat: there is a condition, called vaginismus, which makes penetration painful or impossible. It's the result of when the pubococcygeus muscles tighten involuntarily, making the vagina too tight to be penetrated. If you think think that this is what's giving you trouble, the next step is to see a doctor. It's free for students to schedule an appointment at Searle. -
Before you have a talk about erectile dysfunction, it's important to realize that it's normal for erections to ebb and flow during sexual activity. The image of the man with the constantly rock-hard penis is a prevalent myth that causes men to have unrealistic expectations and unnecessary anxiety. Real life sex is generally much different than what you see in porn.
Stress or nerves is one of the biggest factors that can make maintaining an erection difficult, so the first question to ask yourself is, "Am I comfortable with this?" Sleeping with a new partner for the first time can be exciting, but it can also be nerve-racking. A lot of times, there is at least somewhat of an expectation that it's not really "sex" if you don't have intercourse, but that doesn't have to be the case. Other sexual activities can be just as rewarding, and might not be as stressful, or not require an erection.* You can give and receive oral sex, fingering and handjobs (I know, I know, a lot of people see handjobs as a consolation prize, but they can be fun and sexy in and of themselves), or heavy kissing and petting. Afterwards, you might even be in the mood for something more, and you might be comfortable enough that nerves aren't in the way any more.
One way some people try and cope with the nerves is by drinking to try and relax. This can be counterproductive, because drinking too much can make maintaining an erection more difficult, both in the short term and long term.
That said, even though erectile dysfunction is more common in older men, it can occur in young adults. You might be doing everything right, but still have problems keeping your erection. That's when it's time to visit Searle (NU Health Service), and the doctor can help you determine what you can do to solve your problem. It's free to schedule an appointment for students.
*Make sure you know the risks involved with different, non-intercourse sexual activities. For instance, herpes and gonorrhea are both easily transferable through unprotected oral sex. -
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Sexual Health and...’s Bio
Northwestern University
https://sites.google.com/a/u.northweste...
SHAPE is a student-led organization that encourages students to learn and adopt sexually healthy behaviors and to recognize and address unhealthy and dangerous behaviors and attitudes regarding sexuality
