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All responses Most smiled responses
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At some point in everyone's life, be it because they are totally baked or just because it happens to everyone eventually, they'll have this discussion. If you could ask God one question what would it be?
To begin with, I think it is important to frame the question properly. Which God are you talking to? The Christian God? Allah? Yahweh? Zeus? Odin? Any one of literally dozens and dozens of gods that have paraded through the world over the thousands of years that man has been worshiping them?
The next thing would be to understand the circumstances under which you are being allowed to ask the question. For starters, if you have died and are standing in Heaven talking to God, then that alone answers a whole mess of questions. I mean, because if you were in Valhalla instead of Heaven then just by virtue of being there you've answered a pile of questions.
In the end however, none of that matters, because the only question I would ask God, no matter which god it is or under what circumstances, is "If you could ask God one question what would it be?" I figure God would probably know what the most important question in all of creation is, and once I know that I, being a pretty smart fellow, could probably arrive at the answer myself.
Unless God is a dick and tells me that the question he'd ask God would be "If you could ask God one question what would it be?" That'd be just plain mean. -
The answer that will get me in the least trouble: my wife.
But choosing one person to be stranded with is hard. You need a person who compliments your own skill sets to allow for greater chances of survival and rescue. Your choice should be someone who is physically fit and reasonably intelligent in a variety of subjects. Or you could just choose someone who would make your final days as pleasant as possible, making the sex with until neither of you have the energy or will to go again.
I can tell you, however, one person I would NOT want to be stranded on a desert island with: Roy Hinkley. You may not recognize that name, but you'd know him if I called him by his more common moniker, The Professor. Yes, that Professor. The man who could make a radio from coconuts but couldn't fix a hole in a boat. I mean, one thing the island had an abundance of was trees, you'd think he'd at least make a raft or a canoe or something. Given the amount of time they were on the island, he could have made a yacht!
Of course, I can't bag on the Prof too much. Who'd really want to leave an island that counted Ginger Grant and Mary Ann Summers among its inhabitants? I certainly hope he was tapping that. Both of that. I know I would. In fact, I'd probably engineer a few "accidents" to eliminate my competition in that department to improve my odds. Yeah...
Crap. The wife is going to read this and I'm going to be in trouble. So, uh.. my wife. If I was stranded on a desert island, the one person I would bring with me would be my wife. -
The first place I would go is Disney World. I haven't been in a very long time, and the wife and I have never been together. But I think after three, maybe five, days we would have done all we needed or wanted to do there and could move on to the next part of the journey...
Next stop, Sarajevo, June 28th 1914 to stop the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria and his wife Sophie, Duchess of Hohenberg. From there, we'd continue rolling backward to 1865, April 14th to be precise, and set fire to Ford's Theater in Washington, D.C. during the pre-dawn hours. We'd spend the day watching it burn and making sure no one put the fire out. I think we'd finish out the week in Ancient Egypt, utilizing our knowledge of science and history to play the roll of gods on Earth.
It also turns out that Hitler is inevitable. Our original vacation was spent trying to stop him, but after spending a whole month (several times over) failing repeatedly we decided instead to try to make sure there was never a reason to have World War II, or The Great War as they call it now, which still didn't work out. After returning to our own time and dealing with the fallout of our actions, I think we'd probably have to spend time securing our home from the zombie hordes. Yeah, sorry about that. Turns out saving Lincoln and stopping World War I actually leads to a lot of really weird stuff. Once that was done, we would jet off to the future and see how things turn out.
Ultimately, we'd come to understand that the end of the world had nothing to do with our attempts to alter the timeline, but instead all hung on the time we spent at Disney World, where a chance encounter with a group of foreigners and a misunderstanding would begin a long series of domino like events. So after 30 days worth of sailing through the time stream, our last destination would be the day before our trip where we would have to make sure we didn't take it and never learned that we missed out on it either. In fact, this formspring post under the other me's account will be the only record that any of this happened. When I'm done here, I and my anomaly wife will disco into the aether with our time machine. We promise to try not to screw things up. Much. -
I don't see why I wouldn't. Though I can totally understand why some people prefer curves, the variety of angles always fascinates me. Not only in their range from a single degree to one-hundred seventy-nine degrees, but when they pair up to become complementary or supplementary, or hang in groups to form triangles and rectangles and all the other polygons, both regular and irregular. It just doesn't get much better than angles.
What's that?
E L? Not L E? So... angels? Nope, sorry, can't help you there. -
Ninjas. However, if this showdown were to occur, I would implore the ninjas not to kill the pirates due to the strong correlation between the decrease in the number of pirates in the world and global warming. To save humanity, we need more pirates.
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Years ago I probably would have said the whole living forever things, but these days I'd have to go with... the women. Twilight and the Vampire Diaries and all those things, it has got to be easy pickin's for the little undead mosquitoes. Vampire's probably like, "Hey ladies, I'm just trying to sit in the corner here and brood some. You know, think about the loss of my mortality and that I'll never see the sun again. Maybe we can talk later on or something?" and meanwhile all the girls are just staring into his soulless dead eyes and ignoring that chill running down their spines and holding on to his cold dead hand, dreaming of submitting to his dark desires. He probably gets less respect than Rodney Dangerfield, though probably more than vampire Rodney Dangerfield, who is out there, waiting for you to let down your guard to he can Triple Lindy out of the darkness and drink your blood.
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Long ago, I used to work in a video store and back then, and maybe it still happens, when a video store got new movies in sometimes they also got other stuff, intended to be given away either to staff or to customers. During my years working in a video store I managed to snag a few nice things. Two of them I still own, and still use.
The first is a leather carry on bag for the movie "Passenger 57". When I can, I use this when I travel because a) it's a nice bag and b) it makes me smile that no one knows it is a "Passenger 57" bag. I got this in 1993, making the bag 17 years old. No rips or holes in it, even after two trips to Mexico.
The second came to me in 1996 when a little movie called "12 Monkeys" was released on VHS. It is a grey sweat shirt with the logo on the left breast. Being that I got it in 1996 and it is 2010, that means the shirt is 14 years old, and I still wear it. It's still in pretty good condition too.
You almost can't buy things in the quality of these items which I got for free. -
No.
Why do you ask? Are you implying something? Did someone say something? They lied. They are a liar. Pants = on fire. And that's just a coincidence. Fired, fire, arson. All lies. Those charges will never stick. I really should have you speak to my liar, I mean, lawyer. -
What am I most excited about right now? Right now!?!? Or how about now?? Now?!? Right now?! This instant? I don't know. I'm excited though. Reading this question got me excited. Right now! Yes!! This is awesome! I'm jazzed! I'm pumped! I'm chuffed! Right exactly at this moment right now! I'm excited. Are you excited? You should be excited! Why? ... Why not!
And no, I'm not on anything. Honest. -
Before picking someone to be the most beautiful person I know, I think it is important that we first define three terms.
Know. What does it mean to know someone? I spend more time with TV show characters than I do some of my family members, does this mean I know them better? What about someone I just pass on the street, I waved, they waved, do we know each other now?
Beautiful. As they say, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. But then again, a beholder is a large levitating eye ball with tentacles and a mouth that tries to eat unwary adventurers. What is beautiful? I've spent time in art museums looking at paintings I've been told are beautiful but to me just look like shapes or lines or people sitting around tables or fruit or landscapes or the Mona Lisa.
Person. Do I include imaginary friends? People in books? Aliens? Demonic entities? Do they have to have a soul? Because that would exclude at least half of lawyers and a good portion of business people and the Pope.
That's it, I refuse to answer this question until I get more information. I wasn't prepared for this. I don't even have a number 2 pencil! I overslept! Where are my pants?!? -
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I would get a disguise, then I would meet myself and tell him a few details to get him to trust me, things only he would know. Then I'd drop a few hints about future events, maybe even give him a winning Lotto number so that I really lock in his trust. Then I would tell him the story about how the aliens came to Earth, the war, the virus, the zombies, everything. I would weave a yarn of catastrophe and doom, and then I would explain to him how he could save the world, what he would need to do to prepare. Lastly, since I have access to a time machine, I'd jump forward just a bit and at the end of the long plan I told him to execute I'd put a note that says, "Sucker! I was just kidding!"
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It is a fairly vague memory, but I remember running, or maybe it was swimming, I don't know, but I was moving pretty quick. And I had somewhere to be. There was this long dark tunnel. And I recall banging my head against a wall. A lot. The wall cracked and... and... well, after that I don't remember anything for about nine months.
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I believe that if I were to build a time machine and be able to visit my previous self and have a conversation with him/me such that he alters a choice that he/we makes/made, it would definitely be that time I killed a man just to watch him die.
I mean, yeah, the song makes it sound really cool, but how was I to know that he was a courier for a biotech lab and that the cannister would shatter like that. Sure, the research was originally for the regenerative power of lizards, but they'd perverted it into some form of unkillable super soldier formula. Seriously, why would you make something like that airborne?
It was just me at first, and fighting crime was pretty neat. Committing crimes was even neater. But it didn't stay me for long. Those gophers got rabid and became infectious. A few bites and suddenly we had unkillable insane super people running around breaking things and killing people.
Forming the resistance was hard. I had to find lab, get them to make a vaccine, and start training people. It was a long hard couple of years, but we finally managed to get a foothold. Slogging through those angry beasts cost lots of lives, and for some areas of the world we were just too late. The United States of America, population 63,284.
It's all better now. And we don't have to worry about food shortages or peak oil or any of that stuff. Nature is reclaiming a lot of the world. The million or so of us remaining just don't take up that much space.
We had problems before, but the loss of life... yeah, if I could go back and change one thing, it would be that.
Now I just need to finish this time machine... 2003, here I come! -
In the vulgar, which came first, the chicken or the egg? The answer is the chicken, because an egg is not capable of coming. So, in a race to see who comes first, the chicken would always win.
In the logical, again the answer is the chicken. If we assume evolution is true, at one point in history there was a creature that was not quite a chicken and it laid an egg. This egg hatched and was a chicken, a mutated form of its parent. At first blush, you might take that to mean the egg came first, and in process order it did, however the egg was only a potential chicken while the hatched chicken was an actual chicken. In science and logic, actuality beats potentiality, especially when you consider the possibility that this egg that became a chicken was not the first mutant egg laid. It could have been preceded by many mutant pre-chicken eggs that for one reason or another failed to come to term. Logically and scientifically speaking, until you get a male and a female chicken both and they begin copulation, or the mutation of the pre-chicken eggs becomes widespread and produces a reliable source of future chickens, the question is moot.
In the end, however, no matter which side of this argument you fall on, this entire discussion is pointless. Does it matter which came first, the chicken or the egg? I maintain that the answer is 'No'. What matters much more is which came first, the fried chicken or the scrambled egg? And were there biscuits? These questions and many more may remain unanswered. Mysteries of the Universe, locked in the depths of history. At least until we invent time machines. Of course, with time machines and the proclivities of most people, it would be a very short period of time before they would necessitate "uninventing". Hopefully we can manage the answers to serious questions before people are running around through history killing each other's fathers and bedding each other's mothers in an attempt to create paradoxes, or giving machine guns to neaderthals, or stealing priceless works of art, or kidnapping historical figures in order to give high school presentations... On second thought, forget I said anything. I think there is some reality TV on. Let's watch that instead. -
Assuming that the zombie you are dealing with requires a brain to function, any weapon that will disrupt that function is a good one. Obviously, if you are a good shot and can use a rifle with a scope at range, this is the safest method. As well, this method allows for more reaction time should a shot through the brain not stop the zombie. However, be wary of getting "tunnel vision" through your scope and always have a friend watching your back.
When destroying the brain doesn't work, the only other option is total cellular destruction, easily done with fire. But fire can be slow, so be careful. A bunch of shambling or running flaming zombies can be more destructive than zombies alone.
The main reason I suggest always to "aim for the head" is that it is, logically speaking, the best place to start as there are more things in this world that require a head to function than things that can survive without. -
Obviously, this is going to be one of those things that differs from person to person. Some people will know they've had enough when they find themselves skipping meals or calling in sick to work in order to play, others will know when they've run out of servers and slots in which to make new characters, and some will know only once they've been arrested for convincing a fourteen year old to run away from home and hitchhike across the country in order for them to consummate their love.
For me, I knew that I had had enough of playing World of Warcraft when I realized that I wasn't actually crafting very much war. Back in the early days of Warcraft: Orcs & Humans, every game session was full of war. If I played human, I was warring against orcs. If I played orc, I was warring against humans. This trend continued in the later games, and when I originally played World of Warcraft I was constantly making war against the enemy. Be it in battleground or open PvP between Southshore and the Tauren Mill, much war was being made.
More recently, not so much. Instead I find myself peaceably sharing a city with my enemies, ignoring them except for the fact that they are there and I cannot group with them. We're even doing the same quests. Down the line I see a future where we become fully allied against our common NPC enemies, our language barriers are lifted and we are allowed to adventure together in peace and harmony.
Bullshit. It is World of Warcraft, not World of Peacecraft or World of Adventurecraft. Warcraft. War!
But seriously... you've had enough playing World of Warcraft when you've had enough paying for World of Warcraft. It costs $15 a month. If you play 3 hours one month, you have to ask yourself, was it worth $5 per hour? The minute the game isn't worth what you are paying for it, cancel. -
If the zombies you are dealing with are, in fact, reanimated corpses, in all likelihood they will be slow, because, as you say, they are decaying corpses. Although, the very recently dead may retain more mobility since their bodies are more "fresh".
This, of course, accounts for scientific reanimation of dead tissue. If instead we are dealing with a virus which reduces the cognitive abilities of the subject to animal levels and base desires of hunger, or some form of mystical enchantment, well, all bets are off.
In the event of a zombie outbreak, it is very important to quickly identify two things. First, which type of zombie you are dealing with, reanimated dead, parasite infested, television brain rot, voodoo, and assess their capabilities. Preferably, from a distance or through an otherwise impassible barrier. After understanding the capabilities of the zombies and securing yourself from them, the next thing to identify is if there is an immediate cure for whatever is happening. If those affected can be "snapped out of it" you should make attempts to do, though never at risk to your own life.
The last part of that last statement is key. Whether fast or slow, as a non-zombie your life is more important than that of a zombie, even if they can be cured. Much like on airplanes where they tell you to secure your own oxygen mask before assisting others, you can't help anyone if you are a zombie, so when in danger aim for the head. -
Colonel Jackson. In 1814. Down the Mississippi.
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I suppose this depends on your definition of the word "know". I have, from time to time, rubbed elbows with famous people... well, okay, I've been in the same room as them where rubbing elbows would be possible if not for security or other barriers... anyway, a good number of them are funny. But I don't actually know any of them, not beyond that whole sharing a room with them thing, or maybe getting an autograph. I'm not a stalker, so I don't feel like reading about them or seeing their movies makes us best friends.
And then there is an archaic definition of "know" that means to have had intercourse with, and if we go by that one then the funniest person I know is me!
However, barring myself and people I don't actually know, I think it would have to come down to three people. But listing three people you, people of the Internet, wouldn't know would be useless, so instead I will list the only one of the three whose humor can be more easily shared.
Ward Anderson - I went to High School with Ward and he makes a living as a stand up comedian. He's got a website (http://www.wardanderson.net/) and a blog (http://wordsfromward.blogspot.com/) and you can find clips of him on YouTube. I always thought he was funny and am glad to see that I'm not alone in that.
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Jason Pace’s Bio
I am a writer, mostly of software but also of fiction. Ask me a question and I will answer it. I do not guarantee the correctness or basis in reality of the answer given.
