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By "independent streak" I would assume he meant, from what he saw, you were very opinionated and might be a "ball buster." Like, you don't take no mess and/or are quick with the tongue to speak your mind. While that could be a commendable thing for most, he might see it as something that his ego can't handle.
Attraction works in two levels—physical and mental/personality. Clearly he thinks your cute but from what he's seen of you in action he sounds to be on the fence on the personality. Not that you have a bad one, but it may be something he can't see himself dealing with in the long run.
You are who you are and you shouldn't be anybody but you, especially when it comes to courtship. So I wouldn't suggest changing or putting on a front for this guy. If his ego can't accept you for who you are then is that really someone you want to be with?
In the event that he does holla I'd take it with a grain of salt, because of your "independent streak" is a too much for him he may just be focusing on the "cute" factor. In that case you'd have to gauge if his intentions where to really get to know you and over your "independent streak" or just him trying to get with a cute chick. -
Sounds like trouble. He's already told you his intentions/how he feels by saying he still has feelings for you. That right there sets the stage for all that will follow. Now all of a sudden he wants to be friends, sounds like he's saying one thing but will likely act a completely different way.
Yeah, it's been two years, but the fact that he said he had feelings for you is what makes me leery about the situation. Sounds like he'll try to be your friend while trying to scheme on rekindling old flames. If that's not something you want or need because y'all obviously broke up for a reason so I'd avoid putting yourself in an awkward situation.
Now, in the event that he is genuine you can easily be friends—from a distance. You can use that space to really see what kind of friend he's really trying to be without opening yourself up to get caught out there or unintentionally leading him on. -
Well, I think age plays a role in this scenario. If you're dealing with a guy under the age of 25 then maybe he is a mama's boy, if you;re dealing with a man 30+ then you likely are. But again it all depends on the actual relationship between the man and his mother. if it bothers on obsessive and you truly feel like you're competing with another woman then there may be reason for concern.
The problem is there's no love or bond like the one between a mother and her child. This is the person that gave you life so there's always a sense of connection, but that shouldn't come at the expense of your adult romantic relationships. Sometimes it's the child that puts the mother on some unattainable pedestal that undermines his/her relationships with others, and other times it's the mother herself who never cuts the strings and lets their child be an adult. Also, there are instances where single mothers subconsciously act as if their son is their husband. Not in a sexual way but that is THE man in her life and any new woman that tries to take time away from her is a threat to her relationship.
On the flip, you have to respect a son wanting to spend time with his mother and caring for her. As they always say, how a man treats his mother is a reflection of how he treats women in general. The problem in that is that no one can be his mother other than his mother, so it's not always a guarantee that that same relationship will translate to his romantic relationships.
In regards to the shopping, was this some life-threatening shopping she needed ASAP—medication, groceries etc? Was it an option for you to roll with them shopping? The shopping itself isn't a concern for me because sometimes older folks need help getting around, but it's the idea that there's is some sort of urgency that he has to cancel or can't bring you along real quick make the run and then continue on with your plans. Also, does he make an effort to reschedule your plans on the same day or soon, or does it just get pushed off into limbo? if the latter, that may be a bigger sign of how important or non-important you are in his life.
I'd raise my concerns within reason to make sure you're just not tripping, and see how the conversation goes. if he's open to it and respecting your feelings then there's hope. Otherwise if he's not open to making any adjustments then you know where you stand in his life.
Good luck -
asked by isis162
Depends on the agreement and understanding between y'all. Some may be of the school of thought that a FWB should be strictly physical and any kind of social settings outside of the bedroom are not applicable to a FWB relationship. If that's the case, then a bday event would be "crossing the line."
However, if your dealings were more in line of an open relationship and there's some history, i can see how you could feel slighted by your pseudo-BF not being there. If it's the person you;re seeing it's kind of expected for "your man" to be there even when he isn't officially your man. if people know that's the dude you deal with then they may expect his presence, but at the end of the day it depends on what YOU expect and agreed on.
However, based on what you said even though it's only been 2 months, he was initially involved in planning the party and didn't even give a heads up that he wasn't going to make it. That is kind of rude. At the vert LEAST he could have sent a text like blah blah blah came up.
If you have no real ties to this FWB other than the physical and this no-show offends you, you can talk to him about it and gauge from there if it's enough to cut him off, maintain the FWB for what it is, or forgive and forget... the choice is yours.
But based on your version of events you have a right to be a little pissed. If this were a true budding relationship, would this be a total deal breaker? Maybe but with a valid excuse it could be over looked and healed. -
asked by camelliasncocoa
An official title only matters of it's something both people want. Otherwise, even if you get it, you may have one person committed to someone who's still doing other things on the side. Not saying that's the case here, but just a point.
I don't know your age or how much time you guys have spent together during these three months, but to me it's a bit soon for a title. That's just me, though. My rationale is if you guys see each other 2-3 times a week (average of 24-36 days out of 3 months) that's far different from the actual amount of days in three months (90 days). Basically that's the difference between knowing someone three weeks versus three months when you think about it. (You can apply the same math to how soon/long it took to have sex #NoJudgement)
As for how you get him to take the next step, it's simple: you have a conversation. If you guys have gotten to the point of being intimate there should have been some sort of dialogue between y'all two that expresses what you both want, where you see things going, etc. If not, now is as good as time as any before things get any deeper. Just sit down and have "the talk." Pick each others brains and make sure you're on the same page. You don't have to end up a couple at the end of the convo but at least can have a better idea whether or not that's where you're headed. A closed mouth don't get fed as they say.
However, there are good and bad outcomes of the talk. You may find out that you both have different views of your three-months together and while that may not be the outcome you ant, it's better to know either way sooner than later. If you are this connected to this guy it shouldn't be an issue talking to him about your feelings. You're not setting up an ultimatum, but just expressing that you feel him like that and wouldn't mind seeing what the future holds under an exclusive banner sooner than later. If he feels the same you'll continue on the happy train, if not you can decide whether or not to slow the train down or just get off at the next stop.
Good luck. -
Cool. If the things aren't of any real value just let them go and keep it moving. It's just one of those things people use to hold on and have an excuse to see each other or hold on. If it's not important don't make it important. In the event that it is something of value you can alway shave a third party retrieve it. But that doesn't appear to be the case in your scenario, so as you said just leave it alone.
As for why he won't give it back, I have no idea. Sounds like he's playing games and you don't have to play them with him. If it's over it's over and don't fall for the mind games. -
You kind of said it yourself YOU let him treat you like a doormat. As the old saying goes, no one can do anything to you that you don't allow them to do. If you don't stand up for yourself it's easier for people to walk all over you.
More specifically, though, dude just sounds like an A-hole and his true colors came out in the breakup. Since the breakup was in his favor it's clear that he's no longer emotionally invested in the relationship so his coldness was probably brewing for a long time. However, for you it sounds like the reasons for the split was a shock and you were caught off guard, thus you're still processing your emotions while he's already checked out.
At the end of the day you being hurt is not his concern at this point. He's moved on and is on to the next one. He may be your ex and y'all may have had a good relationship when y'all were together (I guess) but that's all the past. For all intents and purposes he doesn't owe you anything. Yes, some kindness would be nice, but it's not guaranteed.
See him for who he is now—an asshole—and work on your own way of moving on. It's over and doesn't sound like it'll be rekindled. That's all you have control over at this point. Yu can't make him be nice and probably won't get an answer anytime soon as to why/how he could be so cold. MAYBE some time down the line—like years—he may be more open, but I wouldn't hold my breath—at least not now.
Again, at least you know who he is now and I hope you realize that you're a better person without him. Yes, it hurts, but would you really want to be with someone who could dismiss you so coldly? -
It really depends on the individual. If this is a relationship that has some history that comfort can grow over time. One thing is to be able to read body language. Not to stereotype but a lot of women unintentionally wind up "nagging" and to a certain extent make it about them. A conversation isn't one sided that goes for a "nagger" and the one who shuts down.
In regards to the body language, if you see him closing up adjust your approach and try not to prod too much. It's a fine line of tug and pull. Give a little, get a little. Maybe try to share something personal with him and and he can see your openness and perhaps it's something he can relate to or can inspire him to give advice from his own personal perspective.
At the end of the day it really depends on the man you're dealing with and what walls he has up and most importantly why. If there's something that's a deep-rooted issue (daddy issues, hurt by first love, etc) it'll be something that takes longer. But you can't force it, some people are just who they are and nagging etc can just push them deeper in their hole -
Because women are socialized to talk things out while men aren't. As children boys are told not to cry or show emotions and "man up" when something goes wrong, so those same boys carry that into manhood. Women on the other hand are free to cry, express themselves so it comes easier in adulthood. Men not so much.
What it boils down to is different forms of socialized communication. Look at how women interact with each other, always talking and discussing this or the third. Men, our relationships are more surface level (think the old Wassup commercials LOL). We talk sports, girls, sex etc but feelings...again, not so much. Of course there are exceptions to every rule and their are women who don't communicate well and men who do.
As for your example it's apples and oranges. A man dealing with a physical altercation (or even a woman) doesn't require much communication or emotions, it's more instinct. You swing, I hit, etc. While having an actual conversation about something of substance requires more social intimacy and letting one's guard down. That's a lot to ask of someone that's been raised to play war instead of house all his life.
Now that's not to say that a man and woman can't communicate but it's about finding out HOW each other communicates. or getting him to have that comfort level to open up, perhaps about something he's passionate about can lead to deeper dialogues.
That's my thoughts -
Seems like a weak red flag to me. Someone's ex is usually their ex for a reason, whether he wants to get into it or not. And just because someone has a bad relationship with an ex doesn't mean the same will apply to your relationship. Chemistry works (or doesn't work) between individuals. That is unless the person you're seeing has some major malfunction and is at the root of the previously failed relationships.
A guy brushing off his exes as "crazy" could just be his lack of communication skills when it comes to emotions. Sounds like the breakups weren't good so he doesn't have much positive to say about the exes and is brushing them off as crazy. As with anything there are three sides to every story—yours, mine and the truth. So his exes may say he's crazy but that's a moot point. How is he treating you in the relationship? That's more important than these other women that aren't even in his or your life (I hope).
Now if his convos about exes are suspicious and truly do express a sense that he's hiding something then I would say be leery, but from what you laid out I'm not getting the sense that that's what's going on here—but I could be wrong just don't have enough info either way to say.
Again, what you need to do is focus on the present and enjoy the seconds. If he treats you well and you're happy with him, his past relationships don't matter—everyone changes. Don't stay focused on how the relationship will end and being the "next crazy ex" and just be the current gf and be happy in that space. That's not to say don't be leery of past behavior and negative traits/patters, but don't harp on it.
Sounds like you're in a new relationship so take your time to continue to know/learn each other and take each day as it comes. Good luck. -
Quite possibly. My talk with my father was about 5 years ago around my 30th birthday. Since then I've done various things to expand my emotional growth that got me in a space to make a major commitment to myself first before another person. Perhaps that talk did help but I can't say it was just that, because I didn't fully get everything that I wanted. Surprisingly though my father did take blame for being absent although he didn't really have an answer.
Like i said before if forgiveness is your path to your growth than take that path wholeheartedly. It will likely be one step in a serious of steps to growth for you. Sit down and make a list of things and goals in your life and work towards achieving them and crossing them off your list. I think that'll help you as well. when you know that you can accomplish things that seemed undoable that makes a fear of commitment seem smaller.
Overall, all of these things take time. if it took X amount of years to hurt and learn bad relationship habits it'll take some time to unlearn and finally heal. -
Forgiveness is a choice and one that should be extended for those that deserve it not "just because" they are related to you. I know just how you feel about getting enraged when speaking to your father. I tend not to speak or think about him much but when he would catch me on the phone I would find myself angry and just wanting to get off the phone. Was just awkward conversations. What I realized now it's because I wasn't saying what was really on my mind and asking the questions I needed to ask for me to feel better and have closure.
At the end of the day though you have no control over your father, his actions, or lack thereof, or even him giving you a straight answer. the sad fact is sometimes there is no answer.
You don't "need" to forgive him, like I said that's your choice. If that's what it takes to make you heal and move on as a healthy adult most definitely due, but don't feel an obligation to forgive just because you feel you should. Sometimes there are things that are not forgivable. Yeah you can be cordial if you choose but it's hard to forgive someone with no remorse. Not saying that's the case here or that you shouldn't forgive, just saying it isn't a must-do for everyone.
Ultimately what you really need is closure. For me, my father had no real answer either but I got my closure by letting my feelings off my chest and letting him know how he hurt me. I always feared that he would die before I could vent and I'd have no choice but to carry that anger around for the rest of my life. Did the convo heal everything? No, but it's helped tremendously. My father and I may not be friends or best of buds but I can better deal with him. Still, he isn't a major part of my life but the door is open for a small role—albeit on my own terms. As I always say, I feel too old for a daddy at this point in my life but that could just be my resistance and stubbornness. But I needed a daddy when I was a child and thankfully my grandfather filled that role RIP.
So have I forgiven my father? Somewhat but I'll never forget. Any trust to be in my life has to be earned. For you, I just say get what closure it is that you need, whether that be forgiveness, venting or whatever. Your well being and mental and emotional wellbeing is what's most important, so focus on that more than your father's. He was always the adult in the situation so if anything you're the one that should be asked to forgive not the other way around. Regardless of the outcome just payback the love forward to your child(ren) so that they have what you never had a chance to experience from a father.
Good luck -
i was actually on the flip side of this scenario. I accidentally (true story) slept with the GF of one of my boy's good friends. By some freak series of events we met out of town and hooked up, it wasn't until I got back to town and showed my boy some pics of the girls I met that I discovered it was his boy's girl. It was totally unintentional and told him no harm no foul, just to keep it to himself. he did for a while but eventually spilled the beans to his boy.
While I was just trying to stay out of the fray, I can look at it now and it was the right thing to do. If someone is you're friend and you have info about something harmful to them then how good of a friend are you? The thing is you have to have evidence and can't just go off of rumor or innuendo.
I'd do more research to try to solidify your sources and information before revealing anything because until you do that it's just a rumor. Worse thing you wanna do is get your friend all riled up over something that's a lie. Your other alternative is to confront her with evidence etc, but she can always lie and you're back to square one.
Ultimately, if it's true let your boy know what's up, if you don't know and it's bothering you tae steps to confirm or disprove and move accordingly.
good luck -
This is a tough one but I'll give my two cents. First I'm not sure if you're a male or female and that may make me have different responses. But I'll assume you would be part of the bridal party and not the groom's (that just makes more sense when I think about cause why would some you hate ask you to be a groomsmen LOL). Your role at the wedding is to support your friend on what is to be HER special day, it's not about you or your dislike or like for her groom. As long as he's not beating her or putting her in some sort of harm just bite the bullet and be a friend to your friend. There's really nothing that you can say at this point that you haven't said already to change her mind, so you taking yourself out of the situation could make you look like a "hater." Regardless if that is farthest from the truth, that's likely how it'll be interpreted. All you have to do is play your position for your friend by holding her flowers, walking down the aisle and looking pretty. She has to go home with him, not you. God forbid the marriage doesn't last all you can do is be there for your friend. However, if you take a stance and boycott the wedding you'll likely lose your friend as a result. The hour or two of torture of standing by her side is a small price to pay for such a strong friendship. She's a grown woman and has to make her own decision, and if she;s at the point of the wedding being around the corner it's very unlikely she;s going to change her mind.
What I always say as the measure of your decision is how would you feel if the situation was reversed and your good friend didn't want to be part of your wedding because they didn't like your partner? Would you feel hurt and their decision ruin your day? or would you respect their decision? Really think about that and I think you'll find what's right for you to do in this situation.
Good luck and thanks for the well wishes -
The male ego is a fragile thing and from what it sounds like that's exactly what you're dealing with. Even though a man may act like it's over between he and a woman and actually date other people, subconsciously there's always this underlying sense of "ownership" to a woman you've been with. Like "that's mine." Most times he doesn't even realize that he feels this way because he's too busy "doing him"and dating, while the woman usually is still mourning the relationship. But as soon as he sees the next dude in the picture, Mr. I-Don't Care all of a sudden cares and becomes jealous.His ego can't just let the next man get a leg up. Even if this is a woman that he doesn't even want to deal with. Makes no sense but jealousy never does.
I know most times when a man disappears and then pops back up, it's usually because of another woman or women. He was feeling that other person more and bounced, but then when that didn't work out or he sees the ex doing better he starts sniffing around again.
If this is the situation you find yourself in you have all the power. If you ex is your ex for a valid reason, don't even give him the hope of getting back in your life—especially if the new guy is treating you better. Sometimes you have to leave the past in the past, no matter what good game a man tries to spit about how he's changed and things will be different. That's a case where action speaks louder than words, and if he had his chance and blew it then that's on him. Beggars can't be choosers. -
Sorry to hear about your friend's loss. While I understand partly, I'm not sure why you're so upset and betrayed. Everyone has their own way of dealing with death. Perhaps in her case, she's trying to fill the empty space in her heart with distractions because the alternate would be to wallow in her emotions.
I will admit though that less than a month is a bit quick, but at the end of the day it was her relationship and her emotions to deal with as she sees fit. although there is reason to give her some side-eye; just because she's dating doesn't necessarily mean she never cared about her deceased ex.
On the flip side, maybe she did check out of the relationship a little while ago and felt bad breaking up while he was on his death bed. Neither I or you know if that's the case here, but if so that's her cross to bare. As a friend you know that you did what felt right by supporting your friend through a tough time. I wouldn't be upset for doing what you felt needed to be done for your friend and it's not like it was a relative of yours that she was dating and you feel she disrespected the memory of your family (although if you were close to him that may then be a valid argument).
I don't know all the details but those are my thoughts. If you really feel upset and betrayed you can express that to her and get a gauge of where her head is at—trying to get over it or was checked out of the relationship already. Then, you can know what kind of friend you really have. -
asked by EighteesBaby
Sorry for delay, sis... There's an exception to every rule but I tend to think that people break up for a reason and couples that do so several times are likely not meant to be together. Problem here is they have numerous kids together so whatever the outcome they're tied to each other for life.
Why is he stalling? Because he can and she lets him. One thing I've learned is that you can't rush a man (or anyone for that matter) into a commitment. He'll come around when he's ready—or not. The persona that has more control is actually your friend. If his stalling is too much her she has the free will to walk away at any point in time. At the end of the day no one can do anything to you that you don't allow. -
Wait, did I read that right: four kids in four years? Sheesh, that's more than "caught up" that's called a family and a lack of contraception and/or common sense. I don't say that to say that any of their kids are not a blessing, but if you're shaky about the status of a relationship there's no reason you should be having back-to-back-to-back-to-back kids with them. Things happen and the first could be an "accident" and maybe the second child, but two more on top of that in just as many years? Someone should have pumped their brakes and stopped raw dogging. #ImJustSaying
I always say that people SHOULD use the same selection process and precaution they do in picking new sexual partners as I assume they did when they chose their first. They were selective and choice someone that was "special" to them and not just the next hot body to come by. The reason being is that whenever you sleep with someone you run the risk of being tied to that person for life—either due to a kid or to a disease. However, the more sex we have the less we think about that and sleep with people "just because" they're hot, they're there, they're drunk or whatever reason. While it'd be nice to think like a virgin in picking our partners it's just not the reality.
As for men knowing if they see any kin of future with a woman right off the bat, I don't know if that's always the case. Most guys look at a woman sexually first, but there are some he may look at as "wifey" material for whatever reason and label her a "keeper" if he can snag her. But whether or not that happens depends on a series of variables. Just like with women, I'm sure that guys can view a woman's values as long-term worthy or not, but that's only after the sexual tension is out the way because that can make you think you're really into them when you're just into the chase or the idea of them.
Is the guy in this scenario just "caught up" and never wanted anything serious? I really can't say, but BOTH of them are deciding to have kids every year. She can't get pregnant alone, and if both of them didn't want to have more kids they would have got on the pill or use condoms, respectively. Honestly, I'm giving both of them the side-eye in this situation. Her for getting tied to a man four times over without any real commitment (and that doesn't even have to be marriage) and not asking him to strap up or getting on birth control. I'm also mad at him for the same reasons.
From what it sounds like they're both playing house and that's not fair to either of them or their kids. Although you didn't mention specifically if they're in a relationship the fact that no ring has come into the picture seems to be an issue for her (or you). That's a conversation that they just need to have. Maybe not marriage altogether but what future are they seeing before yet another kid comes into the picture. The problem here is that in the event that this relationship doesn't end in marriage for whatever reason and your friend sees that as a deal breaker, it's kind of late in the game for all that with four kids in the picture. They are forever tied to each other—regardless of a ring or not.
Based on the actions and the family they've built, I'd hope that there is a commitment and long term situation in their future but as long as both parties are happy and their kids are taken care of then I'm good. Marriage is a big step and shouldn't just happen because someone has your child (this ain't the olden days) but because you truly love each other and want to spend the rest of your lives together. If that's what your friend truly wants she has to ask for it and they both have to put things in motion to make that a reality. But that shouldn't be the goal just because it's been four years and there's four kids.
I wish your friend and her kids the best of luck and pray that she and her man make it work for the long haul because it sounds like they've started a healthy family together. If they can commit to bringing four lives into the world they should be able to make a commitment to each other is that's what the future holds. If not they're both playing games and are just wasting time. But in that event walking away isn't as easy after four kids. -
First off, if you're not single (aka in a relationship) why are you concerned with what this "thing" is with another man? If you're in a committed relationship there shouldn't be any room for other "things." Beyond what's going on with the guy, the real question is what's going on with YOU!
From what you wrote it seems like you're interested in some "thing" or as you put it a "crush." How would your BF feel about this "thing" between you and another man. More specifically, how would he feel about you calling it a crush, which means you feel something and it's not just the guy chasing you.
You can call it a crush and he can call it sexual tension, but you're basically playing with fire. If there's an underlying attraction on both parts and you're trying to stay in your current relationship, then your best bet is to stay clear of this other guy. It can only lead to trouble. One drunken night or emotional argument with your BF and this crush could potentially cross the line.
This "thing" makes ut seem as if you're not fulfilled in your current relationship and see something in this other guy that piques your interest—be it physical, emotional, whatever. Again, if you're committed to your relationship you need to re-evaluate things and do what's best for you. Personally, I'd rather someone break up with me than cheat on me. Not saying you are going to cheat and it may be a "harmless" crush but put the shoe on the other foot and think about ho wyou would feel if your man had a "thing/crush" with another woman.
As for the sexual tension question, it is what it is. I see sexual tension as meaning there's a strong attraction and attraction usually leads to sex—unless someone messes up. LOL Does that automatically mean that's all he wants? I have no idea, you have to be the judge of the extent of the relationship and the underlying connection emotionally between a person to gauge whether or not it's just sex. Fact of the matter is sex makes things blurry for folks and a man or a woman could feel like they really really like a person when in fact it's the sex their curious about. I always say that men's moment of clarity comes after the sex because that's when he's thinking clear because sex is out of the way, and women's moment of clarity is usually BEFORE sex because that's when her guard is up and she's suspicious of the guy's intentions after sex she thinks he automatically likes her because he slept with her—unfortunately that's not always the case.
At any rate, my advice to you is to stay clear of homeboy if you care about your relationship. You don't need the temptation or the distraction. But if you find yourself still thinking about him, then you really need to evaluate your current relationship and see what it is that's missing that you can either fix or need to move on from. No point wasting your time or his if your emotionally not in the relationship. -
This sounds like a scene out of The Best Man...
Honestly, a kiss on te forehead could be either or. What is missing here is context. If two people of the opposite sex are really close like brother and sister, there might be a display of affection like that and doesn't mean anything slick is going on. I great a lot of female friends and place a kiss on the cheek, just like women do the dame amongst themselves or to some of their male friends. The forehead is just another location.
On the other hand, though, I know that there are some guys that like to test the waters by invading small parts of personal space to work their way in to the pants. Not in a sleazy way, but if a woman you hardly know is cool with you placing your hand on her leg when you talk to her, it shows some underlying possibility of an attraction because if someone turned you off completely you wouldn't feel comfortable with them in your personal space. The same could go for a kiss on the forehead, it's innocent enough to test the waters.
Problem is I don't know which scenario is going on here. The fact you're asking the question though makes me think one of two things si going on. 10 You feel a little awkward about the kiss on the forehead and think he's trying to push up or 2) you're starting to have feelings for him and you're trying to read into this forehead thing as a sign that he feels the same way.
My solution/advice for you is this: if it makes you feel awkward make him stop—can be playful or direct—or you can test the waters yourself if you so wish and see what's up. Either way you run the risk of losing a friend if he's scared of the idea or in the best case scenario you realize that you're more than just friends. But the latter is only if you are feeling him like that.
But as for the kiss it self there's too many variables to say what it means in one sweeping answer.
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