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My thoughts? if it works for you and you both can deal with the distance then more power to you. But they're not for everyone. LDR require lots of trust and communication in that you need to trust that your partner is respecting your relationship (and vice versa) and avoiding temptation because he/she knows that what they have is worth more, even if it's far away. Communication is important because that'll be the primary way you'll be able to maintain the relationship without every day physical contact.
Most fail because they lack one or both of those elements. Another factor is the nature of the relationship and the history. I'd like to believe that a long distance relationship that already had a strong foundation and the couple had a fair amount of time together in the same area has a better chance for success than one that has been long distance the entire time.
I always say that just because someone is or thinks they're a good doesn't mean you're the one that's supposed to catch them. Just be honest yet tactful. But again you don't want to leave him any gray area which will make it awkward morso for you. But you have to know that speaking your mind may not be what he wants and the friendship may have to be sacrificed
Be direct as possible. Do not leave any gray area because it sounds like that would just give this guy more ammo to try to holla. You need to have a direct face to face convo (if you feel comfortable doing so) and make it clear that you have no interest at all.
He can either respect and understand that or risk not having you as a friend at all, because his behavior is making you very uncomfortable. If he truly wants to be a friend then he needs to respect that and your right to not want to talk to him in a romantic way. You have to set the standard that crossing that friend boundary will not be tolerated.
Also, really weigh the level of friendship you have with this guy. If he can't respect your boundaries is this someone you really want to have as a friend in your life.
Some of this may sound extreme and you don't want to hurt a nice guy. But on the other end if he's not respecting your personal space and bordering on stalkerish/scary behavior you need to be this direct and clear.
Hopefully he gets the message and you can salvage a friendship.
That sounds a bit extreme. Especially if it's a minor dispute as you say. Chances are there's something bigger going on with/for him to elicit that response. Now what that is exactly I can only guess?
Maybe he wants to break up and he just used that as an excuse/final straw. Maybe there's someone else and he used that to make an exit for the next girl. Maybe the argument was more serious to him than it was to you. Maybe he doesn't have a firm grip on his emotions and only knows how to run? Maybe he is emotionally unstable and doing you a favor. Maybe he just doesn't know how to communicate? Maybe he robbed you. LOL
Whatever the case is, one thing is clear y'all need to talk and actually actively listen to each other. People talk all the time but not everyone listens. It sounds like you guys are lacking basic communication and that can go both ways. But running away doesn't ever solve anything. Talking does.
if you're dealing with an emotional dude then perhaps some of your normal techniques won't work as in past relationships. If you're willing to fight for the "us" you may have to coddle him a little bit and adjust to his emotional needs. If that's not something you're interested in doing, which is perfectly fine, it's your prerogative, then you don't and he's done you the favor of moving out.
However, it doesn't sound like that's what you want and you'd like to work things out. That doesn't mean only you have to change because he needs too as well, but you have to work together to find out better ways to solve your problems. He has to know that you'll be there to work with him through whatever it is that he's dealing with, just as you have to feel comfortable in knowing that he won't just up and leave you at the first disagreement. That's no way to live and definitely no way to love.
As for as my final advice, I'd day just talk it out and both of you should really try and listen to what the other is saying/feeling. Hopefully when it's all said and done you both can grow towards the same goal and not away from each other.
Best of luck.
I wouldn't say "normal" but not unheard of. Just because two people don't work in a relationship doesn't mean they can't work as friends. It depends on the maturity of the people involved. Most importantly it's a matter of respect. Has he made it clear from jump the dynamic of this friendship? Has he acted suspicious about it? If the answers are yes and no, respectively then he's given you fear warning and there shouldn't be anything to fear. That doesn't mean turn a blind eye but it will require trust in your part. Also if this really is an issue for you because of a lack of trust you should have a heart to heart where you can express your concerns and he to put your fears at ease. However his ex was there before you and that counts for something. It just comes down to your level of trust and his level of honesty.
Didn't get your full question but I generally say that people break up for a reason. You can love some one all you want but if y'all have different relationship goals it doesn't matter. It's just not going to work. Now if the initial problem was his lack of commitment and he still isn't ready for the next level then ain't nothing changed and you'll find yourselves at the same emotional crossroads. It's been a year and a lot can change in that time, you just have to look at things clearly to see if they've truly changed in regards to his commitment. Yes his willingness to visit more is a good sign but how long will that last? You have to see if he's in it for the long haul or just acting good because its new for now.. At the end of the day you have to follow your heart, if things are meant to be between y'all then things will work themselves out. But don't let past history and familiarity cloud your judgement. Do what's best for you at the end of the day.
Has he been out of contact for a week before? Does he have a busy period in his schedule right now? (i.e. family issue, work project, school midterms, etc) I always tell people to think about the other side first before jumping to the worst. A week really isn't that long and someone just doesn't disappear without reason. I'd give the benefit of the doubt first.
But have you reached out and he's not responded? If so, then after five months that does sound off. But unless there was some incident it's even more odd to just disappear out the blue.
Should you feel like you did something wrong? You shouldn't feel like anything that you didn't do. You know if you did or didn't do something. But if all was well and he just dropped off map that is kind of weird, but don't feel "wrong." Most times when someone falls off the grid it's because they are "distracted" by someone or something else. After five months I'd hope it was something rather than another woman, but you never know.
Best of luck
Here's the thing. People don't just "find emails" you were looking for something and you found it. Across the board it sounds like there are trust issues in this relationship. You have issues—whether warranted or not—about his female friend and are uneasy with their friendship. Hey, based on what you read they may be warranted. But if you don't trust your BF why be with him? Sounds like you'd always be worried about who he was with and what he was doing. That doesn't sound like a fun relationship just unnecessary stress.
I'm not a fan of people giving ultimatums and having to choose between friends. A real relationship is about your life together and both partners having their own life outside of the relationship.
End of the day y'all need to talk to each other honestly and openly. Clearly this female friend makes you uneasy and if he cares about you and losing you he would address that with his friend. That's not to say he should just dump a friend of years just because of a new girlfriend, since there's more history with the friend. But she's clearly interfering and he should be the one to put her in check for disrespecting his girl. You can always talk to her as well, but again he is the one that has a connection with her and should handle that.
His ego is probably getting stroked and he's just basking in the extra attention.
But if it's not a situation you want to be in, I'd day walk away and count your loses before it's too late.
It's not about closing a deal. Things happen when they're supposed to. Perhaps there's something that you sense that lets you know that taking it to the physically won't be worth it in the long run. Your sense of manhood shouldn't be determined by how many women you bed but the merit of your relationships.
For me, personally, closing the deal wasn't the end all be all. of course there were some great "what ifs" that got away and there were plenty of "ah, man, I shouldn't have done that." Either way it was all about chemistry and timing, as with anything. There were some people I bedded quick, some that took months or even years before it went to the physical, whatever the case there was no specific mental exercise. Truthfully, I tried my best not to be pressed on the issue either way.
For you, really look at why you lollygag. is it the individual woman and not truly feeling comfortable taking it there or something else that's holding you back? Only you have the answer(s).
1. Because he can. 2. Because she lets him. 3. He's too scared to man up and do what's right. Take your pick. Whatever the case he's being very weak and passive instead of being upfront with her. It's a classic case of wanting to have your cake and eat it too. She's still serving up layers of cake and he's got an appetite for destruction.
Not sure who your loyalty is to, but hope can be your best friend or your worse enemy. Hopefully she'll eventually see the light and walk away with whatever remaining dignity she may have left
Sounds about right. I actually had a similar conversation with a young woman earlier today. If all a man is asking you for is the physical and doesn't respect your right to get to know him, then he's showing you his true colors and intentions. The fact that he doesn't even take you out (or bought you some chocolate LOL) he's only out for one thing.
Maybe not a 100% user, but he's looking for s-e-x and not much more. At least that's what it sounds like.
To make better decisions—period. If someone is questioning the speed in which they are having sex then more than likely they are doing something they are not comfortable with. It's like knowing you're doing wrong and continuing to do it. Not saying that sex is bad and there is a set time as to when you should or shouldn't but, you should never feel guilty about something you chose to do. Holding off on sex is a conscious decision that is up to the individual to uphold. If they choose not to then again that's their decision and he/she has to live with it.
In regards to making better decisions, I'd say that sex should never be the focus building the relationship should be. Meaning meeting and getting to know someone and having a good time is a process that takes time. The pressure (believed or not) to have sex can make things hazy. if you don't even have sex on the menu you can just focus on the relationship you're trying to build instead of what they look like naked.
What I always say is to date like a virgin. What I mean by that is for most people when they were virgins they were very cautious about who was the person that would be their first but for some reason after we have sex we give it up to the subsequent people without having them go through the same screening process. Treat each time with a new partner like the experience of being with your first lover and that can be a guide that keeps your sex drive and selection process in check.
NP at all.... Glad to be of assistance in adding some perspective. Homie just better straighten up if he decides to go there with the "sweet" girl otherwise he's opening her up to some heartache and that's wack
Is that what you want right this very second? If so, then speak up but be prepared to walk away if that's not what he wants. The thing is I think it's a bit too early for "commitment" talk in this short time frame. Perhaps you could slow things down if you feel you're falling faster than he is but if there really hasn't been time for a connection to form this could something that blossoms over time. Right now the hard push for a relationship could scare him away. And if he hasn't really know you for you and got the sex he could just bounce or get disinterested because the chase is over. It's just a dicey game either way at this point, but i think things need a little time to evolve but if you feel a heart to heart to make sure you're on the same page is needed go for it. It doesn't have to be all about locking down a relationship but just making sure you're on the same page.
We actually adressed your question live on air for this week's Dear NWSO special. Forget at what point of show it was but here's the link:
Perhaps, he feels "guilty" about his past and thinks a "good girl" won't find him worthy based on his past experiences. I'm not sure that this is indicative of all promiscuous people or just this individual because I've never heard of that correlation before.
Honestly, I've found that to be the case most times that men have more women friends and vice versa. However, someone that has NO friends at all of the same sex is a bit weird.
The reason I think people have more friends of the opposite sex differs between men and women. Typically, women tend to be "catty" and end up fighting at some point of other, so that circle of female friends either rotates or stays very close knit so they find better friendships in men who don't stereotypically have the same drama.
As for men, they like having beautiful women around because they may want to get with them secretly or just to have something pretty to look at. Personally I know way more women then I do men, it's just the way life worked out. I'm not sure if it has anything to do with a constant stream of attention theory you have.
To answer your question, again think we usually have more friends of the opposite sex but feel you have to at least have a handful of same sex friends to talk about the things you can only share among someone who can relate firsthand.
Plain and simple he's salty about what he let slip away. The fact that you moved on and are no longer available makes you more desirable to him. Now whether or not that is genuine feelings for you or just his ego on overdrive remains to be seen.
You've moved on and if you feel you're in a good space just enjoy that and don't worry about this old guy. It's his loss. He had a shot and blew it, now that the next man is doing what he couldn't he wants to come sniffing around?
Kick rocks buddy
13 years is a long time so yes I think you need to give her the respect of a conversation (not a text or a tweet). Otherwise things are left to misinterpretation and can even be dragged out past their prime.
It's a reality that people grow apart. Just because someone knows you a long time doesn't mean they'll always be a part of your life as we experience things every day that change us, so if that person isn't changing on the same direction you end up growing a[art.
Most people would likely just fall off the map and then have these forced catch ups months/years later that just feel awkward. At least if your upfront about how you feel there won't be any mixed signals. Of course if she feels things are straight this may lead to a dispute or thinking you're this and that, but the mature thing to do is to speak face to face. I don't get the sense that you don't like her or anything like that you just feel you BOTH have grown in different directions. So you're cool but not BFFs. And make sure when you express yourself that you don't come off like you're "better" than her because that could be easily misconstrued and spill into a big argument that this doesn't warrant otherwise.
Best of luck to you
Talk about awkward. Clearly he didn't just "neglect" to mention that he consciously didn't. As for why, it could be a multitude of reasons. Who could have thought you'd be jealous, he could still have feelings for you and didn't want to ruin the vibe (which would happen eventually when the news broke), or it could have just not come up in conversation. At the end of the day it really isn't your business and he doesn't have to tell you anything, honestly.
What makes it weird is the fact that you guys have been in regular contact. It's not like you were the standard ex that you don't talk to for months on end, so my feeling is he either had/has feelings still or just didn't want to have that awkward conversation. I had similar struggles when I got engaged, if I happened to talk to an ex on IM or something do I just say oh yeah I'm getting married. Yeah, I could have but if you're the one that broke up and think the ex might be sensitive you may want to avoid the subject or just decide your ex isn't part of your life like that and doesn't need to know every major change as they happen.
The real question is how do you feel about this news? Does it make you feel jealous or hurt? If so you have to analyze those emotions and deal with them to see where this friendship goes and if it really is a true friendship. End of the day the baby is coming (might even be here by now) and you're just going to have to deal with that. You can congratulate and keep it moving or you can hate because you still have feelings deep down.
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