If a customer I'm sitting with invites another dancer over I have absolutely no problem with it. It's what they want. That's if I'm the first to sit with him though.

If a customer invites me to sit with him when he's already sitting with another dancer, I do feel a bit awkward. Mostly because I don't want the other girl to feel I'm stepping on her toes. It's considered bad etiquette to "cut in" on another girls customer if she didn't invite you, or at least give you the all clear. So I'm the second to be invited over, I always make it clear I don't want to interrupt, and if the client assures me I'm not, I still check with the dancer directly to make sure she's all right with it.

My policy is the more the merrier, but not every dancer feels that way.

Yes, I did date a client. And yes, he did get dances from other girls, but only before he met me. He'd been to the club a number of times before we met, and naturally got a couple dances. But once we started dating he stopped. I should mention, however, that it was not at my request. I wouldn't have minded, and even offered to buy him dances with other girls, but he said he would feel weird since he was dating me. Now, whether that was true or not, I don't know. It could be he didn't believe I'd actually be ok with it. Maybe he thought I was testing him, who knows. He did, once, get a dance from both Ava & I at the same time-- but that was more of a joke than anything, with the 3 of us laughing the whole time. But since he didn't get a dance from another girl while we were dating I can't comment on what the possible jealousy issues involved might have been.

Since then I dated someone else (not a client) who came to visit me at the club though, and I bought him a dance from another girl. Not only was I not jealous, but I very much enjoyed watching. And he, in return, was wonderfully open about my job as a whole. He would encourage me to go sit with other guys while he was there so I could make $.

I have to say that while we only dated a short while, and he turned out to be a complete douche nozzle in the end, it was worthwhile for me to experience a relationship that was that open and honest. It allowed us both to enjoy my job without drama, and it taught me a lot about what I want from future relationships.

Now, in contrast, my previous relationship, with the client, turned out quite different.

I met him in the club, obviously, so the first thing he knew about me (before even learning my name) was that I was a dancer. I suppose I assumed that meant he was ok with it. And for a while, he was. But as our relationship progressed, he became increasingly possessive, paranoid, & jealous-- especially where my job was concerned. He began to visit me at work less and when he did visit, he no longer wanted to watch my sets on stage. He said awful, ugly, things about how he knew what all the clients were thinking, and it made him sick. Nevermind that dancing made me feel powerful and talented, and I wanted to share that with him. Eventually he stopped visiting altogether. The topic of me stripping became a sore one. It got to the point where I literally couldn't talk about it. Even if I had a particularly shitty night at work and needed to vent, he'd just say things like "you're bringing me down," and "well you work at a strip club, what do you expect?" I even had to ask my friends not to mention it around him. 90% of the time I was censoring myself, and compartmentalizing my whole life.

Stripping isn't just a job to me-- its a passion. I love it and plan on being a part of the industry for the rest of my life (even after I "retire" from dancing). He knew that, and he knew it from day one. Over time he just grew less and less able to accept it.

I felt stifled, muzzled, & awful. I couldn't be myself, and eventually it led to our break up. If you don't accept the things a person is most passionate about, you don't accept the person, and I couldn't see a future with someone who couldn't accept me as a whole.

I'm still baffled as to how you can patronize strip clubs regularly, get to know a dancer enough to fall in live with her, and still somehow despise the entire industry. Even though he apparently had a high opinion of himself, and supposedly me, he said all patrons were scumbags, and all dancers were uneducated drug addicts with daddy issues. Somehow, he was incapable of seeing how he proved himself wrong. I guess he figured we were the only exceptions-- which I find appallingly conceited.

All in all, I've discovered I am simply not a jealous person, especially where my job is concerned. And that it takes a particularly secure, confident, person to date a stripper without getting jealous. Someone who thinks they're ok with it in theory might not be able to handle the reality. Even a person who is comfortable with it in the beginning of a relationship, might not be comfortable with it 6 months down the line.

It makes it strangely difficult for strippers to date. It's a bit ironic, I think. We're generally perceived as these highly desirable icons of beauty & lust, often portrayed as promiscuous even, and yet we often spend our time alone.

Sure, every guy says he'd love to date a stripper (there are even sites detailing how to pick us up, for chrissake!) but when it comes down to it, most folks find the reality a but less glamorous than they imagined.

It takes a strong, kind, secure, intelligent individual to really love a stripper. And there are less candidates for that than you might think. I haven't found my perfect my perfect match yet, and I understand that having the job I do means the odds are stacked against me, but I believe he's out there, and I'm willing to wait.

Aw, thanks! And lets be honest, you'll probably learn more from reading me than you will from asshats in college. (Ok, but stay in school, really.)

Life after stripping? What's that?

Kidding. Yes, I know this job comes with a limited time window attached. And yes, I've considered what life after might look like.

Without revealing too much, let me just say that Ava & I both envision a future that allows us to remain in the industry while improving it at the same time.

Stop being me. Go to sleep.

Yeah... you wanna know how much I don't care about brands? I don't know what deoderant I use. I think its blue with white writing. It may be secret. Or hell, old spice for all I know. How did I choose it? I went to the supermarket, looked down the deoderant aisle and went, "hey, that one doesn't look totally retarded and is already within arms reach." Done. That's my magical mystical advice on buying deoderant; go do it. The end.

Mwa ha ah ahaaaaa. The irony of asking a stripper this question. I can't.

Ava. Duh.

The simple answer?

Yes.

The long form of that is this: I've only ever dated one person I met at a club, Buckles. And we dated for about a year. We still talk and hang out, even though we're not together anymore, so yes, I suppose you could say we're friends. Other than that I certainly have met other customers outside the club, but it usually doesn't turn into a lasting friendship. I find I have pretty high standards.

Aw, thanks sweets!

If you follow my blog, then honestly, you're in pretty good shape already. I design the whole thing so that anyone new to dancing might get a few good pointers from it. If you don't already, try following Ava's blog as well at Avaadore.com You can also check out the link's section on my blog and read some other prominent dancer's thoughts and views on our lovely little profession.

Other than that, I'll direct you to this post from the blog. http://yourlastconfession.tumblr.com/post/3198050190/i-just-started-stripping-last-week-all-of-the-girls-i

Good luck chickie!

Well, what do you mean by pantyhose? If, by pantyhose, you mean full on, all-the-way-over-your-ass, pantyhose-- then no. No one has ever asked me to wear them, for a lap dance or otherwise. I do, on my own, wear thigh high stockings sometimes. Fishnets are my favorite, but I also wear various other kinds depending on my outfit.

As for stage, I'd think that pantyhose would make pole tricks infinitely harder. Ava won't even wear thigh highs on stage anymore because she likes the friction that having naked skin gives her. Considering that actual pantyhose are a great deal thinner and silkier, I'd imagine they'd compound the problem.

Then again, there's a niche for everything-- and I'm sure there's someone out there just DYING for a stripper to waltz over in a pair.

You know, I have a friend who got BAMF tattooed on the inside of her bottom lip.

...

I don't plan to do that. But thanks, the compliments are appreciated. Maybe you should get BAMF inked somewhere on you, eh? eh?

Sorry, I seem to be delirious.

Depends on my mood, honestly. My go to color is black, though. In my life as well as on stage.

xoxo,
Lilah

If Buckles counts as a client, one.

And the only reason I'm tempted to include him in the 'client' category is because I met him while I was working. But I didn't dance for him until at least 5 months into our relationship. So it's probably more accurate to say none.

xoxo,
Lilah

Hmm, well to be honest that depends on a couple of things:

First, it depends on you. Everyone metabolizes food at different rates. You know you have that friend who can eat whatever the hell she wants and never gains an ounce (I'm glaring at you, Ava!) and then there are the folks that have to count every little calorie for fear of ripping their pants upon standing up. I, luckily, fall somewhere between the two.

Second, it depends on how often you dance. I don't care how hard you work that stage, if you're only dancing once a week it won't have much effect on your body. You need to be dancing at least twice or three times per week in order for it to really matter, I think.

Third, it depends on how you dance. As I've said before, we have some girls who frankly, just don't. And I can't possibly imagine that they're getting any sort of exercise from slinking back and forth across the stage at the pace of a snail-- let alone getting sore and building muscles. You get out what you put in, ya know?

As for me, personally, I don't watch my diet too carefully. I used to, but not because I needed to, only because I thought that in order to be a dancer I had to have a perfect body. But that isn't the case. It takes all shapes and sizes because different people like different things. Even geographically speaking; while Ava and I worked in Miami we found that most of the girls were much bigger there than we are in NY. Cultural tastes, I suppose. So no, I don't have a perfect body, with an ultra flat tummy and not an ounce of fat on me. But by no means am I overweight, either.

So no, I don't watch my diet that carefully, although I could. However, I have noticed that my body has adjusted to dancing-- meaning that before I was dancing, I wasn't really watching what I ate, and was pretty much maintaining my weight. Now, I'm still not watching what I eat, but I AM dancing, and while I did see an initial drop in weight, now I'm just maintaining a constant of about 135-140 lbs.

Now, the bitch of it? If I stop dancing for a week or so to take a break, I actually GAIN weight. My body has adjusted so that I need to dance in order to maintain its "norm" whereas I never used to have to. Kind of a kick in the face, isn't it?

C'est la vie I suppose.

xoxo,
Lilah

Seriously right now? How is this a question?

Whew, what a loaded question.

First, I am not a licensed psychiatrist, or therapist. The kind of trauma you've been through usually requires a lot more delicacy, and finesse, than I have. Put it this way, I've got one tool in my kit- and it's a hammer. My official advice is to seek out a mental healthcare professional. I don't know where you're based, but if you'd like to send me more info, I'll even help you find a good one in your area. Beyond that, here are my thoughts on dancing and how it relates to sociability.

If you are an introvert (for whatever reason) dancing will be especially hard for you. Not only are you in a large group of loud, probably drunk, strangers, but you are there specifically to attract attention. Add to that the fact that you will be among this group of strangers, attracting attention, WHILST MOSTLY NAKED, and you have a recipe for an introvert's first panic attack. As far as this job goes, wall flowers need not apply.

The truth is, whether or not dancing can help you overcome a hesitance to be social depends on just how anti-social you are. And why you are that way. For you, specifically, I think dancing is probably the wrong place to start. This is not a time to teach yourself to swim by jumping in the deep end of the pool, so to speak. This is a time to hit the yellow pages and look up a local swim teacher, grab a kick board, and yes, even slide on those funny looking little arm sleeve floaties. Hell, while you're at it, put a life vest on. Bottom line? Be gentle with yourself.

For someone who is perhaps just feeling a little socially awkward, and wants to work to change that, I think that dancing could be the perfect place to start. All it takes is a little bravery, and a willingness to live outside societal norms. So perhaps once you've gotten used to floating around in the shallow end, with your instructor (mental healthcare PROFESSIONAL) there to keep you from accidentally drowning, you might consider taking the foaties off, and heading towards the deep end one day.

I would just encourage you to be careful, because while dancing is a wonderful job, the rewards are often double sided, and varying. It's interesting, complicated, and intricate. It would take me hours to pick apart all the tangled reasons why this job might help some people be more social, and why it might forever damage others. It depends entirely too much on the individual. Your apprehension comes from a very real place of fear, past trauma, and sorrow. And at times, being a dancer amongst a group of drunk men can feel threatening. Probably the kind of threatening that would bring up unpleasant associations for you.

Deep down, I believe this job is one of the most amazing things I've ever done with my life. But I also believe that a large part of that is because of the way I approach it. I choose to dissect it. I use it as a social experiment. I am fascinated by it. And I'm very careful to take care of myself- to monitor my own needs and how I'm doing. If I'm feeling burnt out, I take a break.

So, can dancing help you overcome your agoraphobia? Eventually, with the right amount of effort, and healing, on your part, I think it would be a great addition to your recovery. Is it where you should start? No. Seek help. You have been traumatized, and need to start dealing with the repercussions of that.

Good luck, and again, if you want to send me more info at Lilahquinn[at]gmail[dot]com, I'm more than willing to help you set off in the right direction.

xoxo,
Lilah

Oh, hunny-

When you break it down, any service industry job (whether its retail or waiting tables) is going to jade your outlook on the public. Why? Because you're in contact with a high volume of people. And the more people you meet, the greater the chances you will meet an asshole.

But your question seems to be aimed right at stripping, in particular. So let's focus on that. Does being a stripper give me a jaded view on men? Hmm, let me think.

I have met men who think I am a whore. Men who try to make me believe I am a whore. Men who tell me that no matter who I am with, that person will cheat on me (for the simple reason that, since I'm a stripper, the only reason someone would date me would be to have sex with me, and once they get that, they'll have no reason to stick around). I've met men who think 50 cents is fair compensation for what I do. Men who tell me I am a sex addict. I have had every aspect of my person scrutinized and judged; why did I get all these tattoos? I'm ruining my body. What's with the nose ring? It makes me look like a bull. I'd be perfect, if only I had whiter teeth. I'd be making so much money, if only I could learn to keep my mouth shut. Of course I have low self-esteem. Why else would I be taking my clothes off in public? It must be because I need the attention. I meet men who think they know me. Who try to define me.

Now, the interesting part? I've met women who do the same. Being a stripper can jade you, but if anything, it will give you a jaded view of people, not men. You work around guys mostly, it's true, but they're no worse than the women who work with you. I've had girls in the locker room tell me the hustle is all that matters, and if I'd just learn to keep my mouth shut, I'd make more money. They've said that no matter who a guy is, or what he says, or how he feels, he will cheat on me. That men in general aren't worth the 5 minutes we spend dancing on their laps.

Bottom line; I have people, not just men, telling me that the opposite sex is inherently untrustworthy, and cruel. I have people telling me that I should change who I am in pursuit of monetary gain.

Can these things jade you? Abso-fuckin-lutely.

BUT.

And that needs all caps, because this is that BIG of an addendum. BUT, those people, telling me all those things? They're not everyone. It's easy to feel like every person I meet is judging me, hurting me, insulting me and trying to change me. That's because sometimes the negative garbage they spew is so potent, so charged, that it's overwhelming. But it's important for me to see the truth- and the truth is that only a small percentage of the people I meet are like that. The larger percentage is made up of people who simply want the best for themselves and others. And sometimes, it is made up of people who are truly inspiring in their selflessness, compassion, and fearlessness.

For instance:

I have been told that what I do is art. I have sat with men who understand what this profession is about, who respect it, who compensate me fairly, AND throw in a good laugh to boot. I have had conversations that touched me emotionally, and cerebrally. Conversations that made me think, wonder, and want to create. That made me grateful to be alive and in a position to meet so many different people, from so many different walks of life. And all this beneath the halo of a black light, and cradled in the arms of the thrumming bass of hip-hop and heavy metal.

In the locker room I have seen women be stronger than I thought a woman could be. I have seen women who barely know each other, who owe each other nothing and who share nothing other than the strange bond of stripping, band together to accomplish things, or to protect one another. I have seen solidarity here. Cohesion. Kindness, and Strength.

In short- stripping is just like the rest of the world, only smaller. It is a microcosm of the same dichotomy that can be found anywhere. Some people are assholes. Some people are just people. And some people are Awe inspiring.

But, (and here I think is the most important part of what I've said) you say that you are already jaded- that you "view most, if not all, men as dogs.." I think that your question isn't really about me. I think it has nothing to do with stripping, and everything to do with how you've been hurt by others. I would venture to say that your heart has seen its fair share of trouble, and perhaps more than was fair. You sound like you've been through just a bit too much to take and you sound like you've lost hope. I can't tell you what to do from here, or how to think or feel; I've no right. I can only tell you what I do, and what I will continue to do.

Am I jaded towards men? No, I am not. Every day provides a new temptation to become so- with so many people out there saying and doing hurtful things. But I am not jaded. Because for every asshole I encounter, there is someone kind I've yet to meet. The ratio is 50/50. What does that tell me? That tells me that becoming jaded isn't something that "happens" or "doesn't happen" to me. It's a choice I get to make. I meet an asshole. I meet an awesome person. I choose who to focus on. I choose who defines my world view.

You ask me if I will ever be able to trust a man, fully, with all of my heart.

Yes. I will. Because I will choose to. Trust is not something that exists, or does not exist, randomly. It is a choice you make. Just like being jaded is a choice you make. When I meet someone who inspires me, and who is inspired by me, I will choose to trust him. Because this is my world, and I choose to be happy. I choose to look towards the light. Towards the people who are not "dogs". The ones who make my world a brighter place. The darkness is there, but it is not all that is there. Will I get hurt sometimes? Yes, but I will also be unimaginably happy at times, too.

And this is something that is true for you, as well. Trusting is a choice. Becoming jaded is a choice. You say you are already jaded; know that that is a choice you can unmake, if you want to. I can't tell you what to do, or how to feel. I can only tell you that I feel for the obvious pain you've been through. I am here for you, sincerely, if you want someone to process that with, and I am holding you in my thoughts. I believe you can be happy- that you can choose to be. And that eventually, you will find someone with whom you can share that happiness.

I wish you joy, in all things.

xoxo,
Lilah

ps. you've asked me to keep you anonymous. I don't know you're name, so you're already protected. But are you saying you don't want this question posted on my blog? If you don't mind, I'd really like to post it; I think it might speak to a lot of different people who feel just like you. Let me know, and take care.