Madonna vs. Lady Gaga: Street Fighter Style!
a short story by Jared Woods

Alright Ladies and Gentleman, another fine day here on the streets of New York, and the masses have collected for what can only be dubbed as The Pop Fight Of The Century! The crowd is out in full force: Gaga's Little Monsters growl at Madonna's Material Kids who are older and unintimidated. All of them sporting picket fences and provocative clothing, displaying words I don't even understand. I am your host Jared Woods, and you are watching Juice Nothing Sports, where the only Sports we like is completely made up.

Down the right, we have the Challenger, the chart topping twitter trending topic of the decade: LADY GAGA herself! And down to the left, we have the Reigning Champion, the one-and-only motherfucking Queen Of Pop: MADONNA! The tension is high as both ladies are drinking water without breaking eye contact. This ensures to be a big fight children, one you might tell grandkids about if you live that long.

Ah, there's the bell and the competitors move slowly towards each other. The sea of people begin to circle them, creating the fighting-ring as is tradition in this hood. Bets are being made, smaller fan fights have been breaking out all day, and the local lesbians have taken this opportunity to flaunt their sexuality to anyone who will take notice (which isn't really anyone at all).

It doesn't take long until the two opponents meet each other in the center, face to face, toe to toe. Lady Gaga hissing as her cheek implants seem to grow in size, while Madonna remains cool in her casual attire.

"Eh Eh, your times are over Maddie. OVER!" spits Gaga. "I am a TRUE artist, your day at the top has come and gone, bitch. I have written the greatest albums in the history of mankind in a very short time, nobody takes you seriously anymore. Why don't you just call Timbaland and ask him if he can spare you another single, and while you're at it, get some more collagen, you old, washed-up, out-of-date..."

In a flash, Madonna slaps Lady Gaga so hard that a false eye-lash comes right off of her face. RIGHT OFF OF HER FACE. You could hear the pain sink as all The Monsters in the crowd feel it, the marks of Madonna's nails leaving a trail of red across Lady's cheek. But Gaga's expression doesn't flinch, no, we can't read her poker face. The crowd dies down as a smile starts to glint within Gaga's eyes.

She begins to hum a tune which is catchy but no doubt plagiarised, and it gets louder and louder. The Monsters in the crowd excitedly begin to hum along, building momentum, building electricity. Madonna doesn't move until Gaga spins, a roundhouse kick, aiming her phallic shaped heels right at Madonna's head! As it makes contact, Madonna bursts into thousands of birds like she was in the Frozen video, and they take off, soaring and circling higher and higher above the crowd.

Gaga is not deterred, as she begins to grumble like an engine. Her legs harden like a heavy metal lover. They morph and warp until... beliebe it or not... she is a roaring motorbike/human hybrid! With a large snarl, she wheel-spins and circles the arena in seconds, reaching mind-blowing speeds, and then rides straight up the nearest building, heading skyward towards the Madonna Birds.

The sun hits both of these celebrities, and some say that the shadow projected onto the sidewalk resembled a crucifix.

Miraculously (and in very little time) the vertical GagaBike catches up to the birds and begins to shoot Kermit The Frog dolls out of her mouth, knocking them down one by one. Dead birds shower the crowd as Madonna's fans cry that this might be over far too soon.

But of course, this is not the case. Quickly the birds make a dive and race far below the GagaBike, which is going too fast to turn around. The birds hit the street with such force that they turn into a mercury like liquid, which sprays a few feet directly into the air like a fountain, and then forms Madonna's true self once again. Except this time, the Material Girl is in full cowgirl uniform. She produces a lasso rope from her vagina like a virgin, swirls it above her head, and throws it towards Gaga who is miles above. The rope never seems to end, and pours out of Madonna's snatch, hurtling up at Gaga until it snags her by her neck. The GagaBike comes to a sudden halt, blood pukes out of her mouth as the rope strangles her... and then she begins to fall down. Fast.

The last paragraph takes less than 3 seconds. Most of the crowd has no idea what happened until the instant replay much later.

The bike smashes into the ground. The sound is unbearable, pieces of Gaga go everywhere. Metal rods fly and impale many of the spectators, killing them dead. I guess it's not really about the fans after all...

Silence. Surely not even someone like Gaga could survive such a fall. Smoke bellows from a hole in the ground, where Madonna just strikes a Vogue Pose, not breaking a sweat. Is it time to ring the bell? This fight is over!

No! No wait! Out of the smoke rising is Gaga! She is alive! She is covered in meat! Where did she get that? What does it matter? It stinks! And she looks pissed off! The paparazzi are going camera crazy! Is this a fashion disaster? Or are the critics too afraid to say when Gaga looks ridiculous these days? Ah, who cares, shit is about to get real!

Gaga spits blood, and for the first time Madonna seems noticeably unsettled. If that didn't kill Gaga, what possibly could? Slowly, Lady's hair beings to warp, first resembling a birds nest of sorts, then resembling a bow, until finally settling on a giant black telephone placed on her head. She picks up the receiver and begins to talk in a different language while Madonna produces the American flag and waves it around for no apparent reason. Ah well, express yourself girl.

Suddenly, Gaga hangs up the phone, squints into the sky, and whispers "Let's Dance". A loud whistle tears through the air, and a Monster falls out of the sky! Not a fan, an actual Monster! A small ball of fluff and scales, which attaches itself to Madonna's arm with it's massive jaw of teeth! Madonna shrieks, and knocks it off with one lightening karate chop. Another Monster falls and lands next to her foot. She kicks it like a football player.

Another one falls. And another one. And another one! Soon it is raining these little Monster Balls everywhere, on top of cars, on top of fans, on top of Gaga, all running towards Madonna with blood thirsty eyes. There are thousands! No wait! MILLIONS! TENS OF MILLIONS! ONE FOR EVERY SINGLE LIKE THE GAGA FAN PAGE HAS RECEIVED! AN ENDLESS STREAM! This is not looking good for Madge at all.

But what's this...? Madonna is defending herself! By using her yoga training and Kabbalah mindset, she dodges and kicks them like she's back in the Hung Up video, knocking hundreds of them flying every second, exploding against walls. And what's this...? Is she...? OMG, she is actually FUCKING the Monsters! Talk about Erotica! Talk about Bad Romance! She is shoving them up her vagina and destroying them with a strap-on! The Monsters are running, the Monsters are exploding, the Monsters are giving birth to weird Madonna-freak-hybrids! She has done it! All the Monsters are running away in fear, as she chases after them, kicking with all her might! Lady Gaga can't believe it! That was her finisher move, countered!

All the Monsters are gone. The streets are silent. Now what? Madonna turns to face Gaga, and begins to slowly walk towards her. Lady Gaga starts to panic, and makes a really bad move.

In pure frustration, she produces her 5 Grammy Awards and begins to throw them at Maddy. Madonna responds by throwing her Grammys right back at Gaga. One, two, three, four, five... they all collide in the air and turn to dust. That's when Madonna produces her further 2 Grammys, and blasts them forward, hitting Gaga right in her face, smashing cigarettes off of the glasses she was suddenly wearing. Gaga is bleeding, and Madonna continues to stroll towards her.

11 MTV Awards spew out of Gaga's hands, Madonna smashes those with 11 of hers, and then nails Gaga's face once again with a FURTHER 9 of them! These obliterate Gaga's face - it tears and it bleeds as she falls back onto her ass. Madonna continues to walk towards her, slowly, smiling.

Desperate, Gaga fires her 3 Brit Awards at Madonna. Madonna shoots her Brit Awards to retaliate... ONE; TWO.... oh shit! Madonna only won 2 Brit Awards! Gaga's third one slams into Madonna's jaw, and a tooth falls onto the ground. This stops her in her tracks. The two girls look at each other. Gaga doesn't look good. Madonna just looks angry.

Madgie puts her hands together like a prayer, and a ray of light forms in the cusp. Slowly, her Golden Globe rises from her palms. The Golden Globe she won for best actress in Evita. An award that Gaga has never won, and probably never will.

The Globe bursts into flames in a second and soars straight towards Gaga. She tries to dive out the way too late, and it explodes right into her. She is on fire and she is screaming about Judas-this and Hair-that, running around frantically while Madonna (for the first time) begins to laugh hysterically. She laughs so loud that you could hear her in Hollywood. She laughs for what seems like hours.

Slowly the flames die down, and Gaga is lying in a heap on the sidewalk. Her fans rush to help her but are stopped by the security. It looks like this match is finally...

Wait a minute. Wait just a minute. It can't be... Gaga is... is standing up! She is standing up! The crowd is going wild! Madonna can't believe it either, her laughter is gone! Gaga just won't die! Is she invincible? Immortal? ALIEN?? She must be!

She stands up and wipes blood from her face, making eye contact once again with the now very nervous Madonna. "Alright Magpie," she coughs. "You want to see who's cock is bigger? I'll show you who's fucking cock is bigger!"

Right then, Gaga whips out her 12inch cock and begins wanking it with all her might. People are stunned! The rumours were true! She was a hermaphrodite all this time! I knew it though.

Hot lava begins to ejaculate from Gaga's erect cock, shooting towards Madonna as she dodges them with great difficulty. Fire and rocks and AIDS begin to shoot from the penis, bigger and bigger each time, destroying buildings and spectators but failing to make contact. Gaga is screaming, either in pain or in bliss as if she has never cum like this before (even if she was born this way).

"GAGA!" Madonna abruptly screams at such volume that the panic of the crowd is silenced, and Lady stops dead, mid-wank. "What do you think you are DOING??" Madge screams. "I am the ORIGINAL GENITALIA WEAPON GIRL. You die today. I'll die another day, thank you very much."

With that, Madonna tears off her shirt, revealing two massive Material-Girl cone tits, and within seconds, is blasting bullets from them like a motherfucker directly at Gaga. They travel at massive speeds, piercing Gaga's face implants and tearing through her body. Thousands of bullets per split second, so fast that Gaga makes no sound. She falls to pieces until resembling nothing but paper-mache. Madonna doesn't stop there. She keeps pummelling the wet mess with more and more of these bullets - millions of them - until there is nothing left of Gaga except a puddle of lead. Smoke fills the air and the firing noises stop. Madonna blows smoke off of each tit dramatically, walks over the the puddle, and drinks what is left of Gaga, securing her death.

It takes a minute but soon the crowd has gone mental. Little Monsters are crying in distraught (some even killing themselves on the spot), but the Material Boys and Girls are cheering like it's the New Year. Screams of joy, screams of grief, and Madonna just stands there, enjoying the celebration. Out of nowhere Britney Spears runs out of the crowd and starts to make out with Madge, dry humping her leg, whilst Christina Aguleria waits for her turn... forever.

And there you have it folks! The final outcome! Madonna is still the Queen of Pop... fucking duh! Lady Gaga has had 3 major releases out, one of which was just an EP. Pay your dues bitch, you are NOTHING compared to Madonna. Everyone, stop your outlandish claims, the argument is pathetic. Madonna released her first fucking album in 1983, show some fucking respect. GAGA IS NOT THE NEW MADONNA! EVERYONE SHUT UP! According to the Guinness Book Of World Records, Madonna is the world's top selling female artist. Of. All. Time. She has been doing this for nearly 3 decades! She hasn't fucked it up! You, in comparison, Ms. Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta, hardly even understand the fickle nature that is the general public which will only turn against you more as time passes. This debate is over. Try again in 10 years Gaga, and better luck next time.

And this concludes tonight's broadcast. I was your host Jared Woods for Juice Nothing Sports, and remember kids: Statically speaking (when done right), the withdrawal method is a safer means of avoiding pregnancy over a condom, but does not protect from STDs. Goodnight New York.