What a great question! Hell yeah, I would! I would look forward to it! I’d do it tonight! I’D DO IT RIGHT NOW.

I know what you’re thinking. Something along the lines of “yeah right, Jared, like you would actually allow someone to stick a needle into your japseye, and then through the bottom tissue of your cock. You’re all talk.” Well, allow me to educate you: I’ve done it before.

When I was like 16 years old or something, I went to my local piercer (his name was Mike), and he did just that. And to this day (despite what you may have heard) he is the only guy who has touched my adult penis. I kept that ring in for years, until I got this girlfriend who loved anal sex, but didn’t dig the feeling of my cock-ring in her ass. I had to chose: anal? Or dick ring? I chose anal, obviously, and took it out.

More on topic, the closest I’ve come to the question on hand is pretty far off, but still worth mentioning. You see, when I first got my piercing done, I had a different girlfriend who herself was blessed with a stud in her vagina hood (which is that flap of skin covering the clitoris, for those of you who still haven’t quite figured out the female anatomy just yet). And girls - I urge you to get one of these, because it will make a better lover out of your lover. X marks the spot and all that. Anyway, one day we were having sex in some weird position, and my dick slipped out, causing my ring to hit her ring, piercing on piercing. It made this audible TING sound, and so we both burst into laughter whilst maintaining serious eye-contact and continuing to fuck like angry neanderthals. I know that’s not quite what you were asking, but any excuse to tell that story, really.

Oh, Peter Roberts, definitely. That motherfucker is so fucking sexy with his cowboy hat and his human face, I would bust on his upper lip like a milk moustache. For me, it is his left arm which fascinates me the most, but I like his right arm also. He is pretty much my dream man. In fact, I have this one dream about him all the time, where he is wearing a hippo onesie and I am building a raft, and he says something like “do you need help with that?” and then I wake up on a wet bed sheet every time. I like girls and all, and I’m not gay, but goddamn, Peter Roberts is the exception and the rule. He’s on my list. One day he will be mine. Oh yes, he will be mine.

Return the favour if it wasn’t necessary? You’re kidding, right? Why would I suck a dick if no one was sucking my dick? Be serious.

AMERICA! FUCK YEAH! LICK MY BUTT AND SUCK ON MY BALLS!

That way, I wouldn’t have to achieve anything. I’d just do whatever the Illuminati told me to do.

(I hate politics)

I don’t even know what to attack first in this question. Should I point out that you are so homophobic and uncomfortable with your own sexuality, that another man giving you a massage is somehow comparable to surgery? Or should I elaborate on how your mindset is so sexist, that a female surgeon is somehow different to her male counterpart in the same profession? I mean, you’ve just ruled out both genders in one sentence, buddy, how do you ever get laid?

All this, of course, is based on the assumption that you are a male. If you are a female, TGFO.

Regardless, I will take your question seriously, and answer it like so: I have been massaged by loads of dudes, and there was nothing weird about it. In fact, more often than not, guys are better massagists than chicks, because they aren’t afraid of putting some strength behind it, and I like my massages to be somewhat painful. No matter how you look at it, a massage is a friendly act. It doesn't matter who delivers it, what matters is that it was designed to be an enjoyable experience, and almost always is one.

Conversely, surgery is indicating something is wrong. Your body is fucking out, and now someone has to cut you the fuck open and then play around with your insides. Men, Women, it makes no difference - it’s a risky thing, and you could die during the procedure. Death during surgery is nothing new, but has anyone ever died from a massage? There is a chance, sure. Probably in Japan. A prostate massage gone wrong or something, I dunno. But it would be a rare occurrence all the same.

At the end of the day, it makes no difference who is massaging you or who is cutting you up. If you are ever faced with this decision in your life, you must ALWAYS choose the massage. I mean like, goddamn, was that even a fucking question? Was there actually some kind of a debate in your head about this topic? Was the turmoil so confusing that you just couldn’t decide whether you’d rather the knots worked out of your shoulders, or some sort of a major life-threatening operation? Is that why you came here and asked me? It’s a bit weird, yo.

Are they, though? Are they really? I don’t know what experience you’ve had with kids, but I generally find them to be quite the opposite of evil. Selfish and careless, sure, but probably the closest thing to purity we can find in human society. I consider adults to be much more tainted by them evil thoughts of sex and success and money; whereas children just want to urinate in the sandpit and then be momentarily fascinated by the process. Do you have kids? Are your kids evil? Then that’s your problem. You’ve raised them wrong. It’s all your fault. Enjoy paying for their therapy.

However, there are 2 examples in which I can semi-agree with your notion. The first is that children (as many have said before, I am not the first) are basically drunk all the time. They scream in public without any regard to the people around them. They run around in a wobbly fashion, knocking shit over as they do so, laughing. They cry when things don’t go their way. They crap their pants. They get naked just because they feel like it’s time to get naked. The only difference between them and me, is that nobody stops them. Sometimes we even encourage this anti-social behaviour because we find it “cute”. When I perform in such a manner (and believe me, I do), I am considered to be “evil”, or at very least, inconsiderate. But children get away with figurative murder. Is that the kind of thing you mean? Then, yes, I agree, they are a bit naughty. But can we really blame them? We were all there once upon a time. It’s called growing up.

The second reason why one might consider children to be evil, is because they destroy lives. They will take your money and wreck either your body or your wife’s body (depending on which parent you are, and I’m not sure which is worse). All your dreams and all your desires will be consumed and overtaken by this little creature that you have brought forth into the world. They will become the main focal point of your existence for almost 2 decades, just to leave you alone when they outgrow you. You will be old. Nobody will love you anymore. They won’t call. You should have used a condom.

All that said, I don’t have kids, so I quite like them. Pull funny faces at their faces. Bounce them on my knee. Teach them swear words. What’s that? You just shat yourself? Go tell your mommy.

You know, at first I thought this was the dumbest question I have ever been asked. It’s far too ambiguous, dude. Questions that can’t be answered? Like what? Are there definite questions in existence that truly and absolutely can not and will not ever be answered? And how do you know? Who are you? Who do you think you are? And most relevant of all: how am I expected to answer a question about questions that can’t be answered without any additional details on what exactly are the questions that can’t be answered??

And then it hit me. This might actually be the smartest question I have ever been asked all along, and for that exact reason. I found myself seeking an answer to a question which could not be answered, which was about questions that could not be answered in the first place. My God! The whole thing got so meta that I found my brain spiraling into a wormhole and then folding in on itself like some biological origami. Was this person asking me a dead serious straightforward question? Or were they being self-referential? Were they just slamming their head against the keyboard in hopes that the letters made sense in that specific order? Or were they aware that they were asking an unanswerable question about unanswerable questions??

Then I noticed they spelt “to” wrong and referred to our species as “the humanity”. From that I figured, lol, nah, it’s probably the dumbest question I have ever been asked in the end. And, yeah, it is actually answerable anyway.

Curiosity, my friend. This is what drives us, for without it, we’d be a stagnant race which would be killed off by God’s merciless hand for being lazy and useless to his catastrophic master plan. If everyone adopted your shit attitude, many questions which used to seem unanswerable (How can man fly? What are stars made of? How many people live on our planet? How old is the universe? What came first, the chicken or the egg? (that last one does have an answer, as I’ve proven here: http://www.formspring.me/LegoTrip/q/1088845863 )) would remain so. No matter how impossible any question seems, it is our duty as human beings to chase an answer, otherwise we wouldn’t know anything about anything. To me, what is much more fascinating above all of this, is that every single answer breeds countless more questions, and so perhaps your query should have been more along the lines of “will we ever find one final answer to all of our questions?” because that’s a much more interesting topic. The answer would be “no”, btw.

But yes, there are a few questions which will most likely remain unanswered forever, and for good reason. Because to know these answers would inevitably DESTROY OUR VERY EXISTENCE. These include: What happens when we die? What is the point of life? What came before the big bang? Is there a God? What is female ejaculate made of? etc. But while these are the toughies, spending time on working out some sort of an answer (whilst never reaching any decent conclusion) is valuable towards the development of some extremely important discoveries. It has changed how we live our lives and how we treat people. We have learned how precious yet insignificant we are as individuals. We have learned how infinite the universe is and yet how miniscule each atom living in everything can get. It has helped us develop morals and compassion. It has put us above your average monkey. It has allowed us to test the boundaries of thought and imagination. And without these things, we are nothing. NOTHING. What do you suggest we do instead? Should we just sit here and watch TV? Well, you go ahead and do that then. Personally, I have stuff to do.

Regardless, if you have any particular question which is especially bothering to you, please don’t hesitate to ask me about it here on formspring. I have a direct lines to both Jesus and Satan, and they each owe me a favour.

Blergh, really? Ok.

I have thought about this, and as per usual, it isn’t as straightforward as the question lets on. The main query I’d have is this: can I select my own breed of dog? Because, if I can, then I’d definitely go with a puppy. This is because some puppies are born pretty big - much bigger than your average house kitten anyway - and if I am going to rape the thing, it would be far better for the both of us if at least I don’t have to make my own hole.

But for the sake of argument, I am going to assume that you mean they are both the same size. In which case, no matter what I do, my dick is going to fucking destroy them because I have a very large penis.

With this in mind, I’d actually go with a kitten, and my reasoning is weird. It is because, eventually, puppies grow up into dogs, and kittens grow up into cats. Raping a full grown dog is not hard - people do it all the time, as they take advantage of these poor creatures’ obedient and loyal nature. But a full grown cat is a different story. I can hardly scratch a cat behind the ears without it clawing my arm, so I can’t imagine how hard it would be to get anywhere near their genitalia (despite the fact that they proudly flaunt their assholes in the face of anyone who is busy doing something else). That is why I’d regrettably rape a kitten. Because (while it would still be something I’d have difficulty dealing with) at least I could take comfort in knowing that this little creature would grow into an arrogant cat one day, who would happily take advantage of me given half the chance. So yeah, small win, in a way. The lesser of two evils, at very least.

No amount of soap or church or beer could clean my mind from the thoughts I had to go through in order to answer this question. Fuck you guys.

It has been about 5 years, so maybe it’s time the truth about Maddie finally came out.

I never took Madeleine McCann. Nobody took her. Although a lot of what I’m about to say is speculation, there is a good chance Maddie simply “outgrew” the rest of us “humans” (for lack of better terms) and set off to be with her own people.

Much like a select few chosen people on this planet, Maddie was born with what doctors have liked to call “colobama”. They will try and confuse you with fancy jargon about what this means and how it happens by using so-called “proof” which they have simply read in passed down medical books, but the truth is quite far from what they (and we) have been taught. Colobama is merely a name for the condition when the colour within a person’s eye begins to leak. This is not a defect as they would have you believe, but rather a gift to be revered like it was in ancient Egyptian times; a blessing for those who find that their third eye was trying to poke through from their second eye all along.

It is through this gateway in the iris that Maddie (like all other children born with this ability) more than likely began to receive cryptic messages. I can only imagine how difficult it would be for a three year old to try and decipher such ramblings, but due to my extensive studies on the subject, I believe some form of a midway language was established until the young girl could understand what was being instructed to her. This theory is very well documented, by the way. Do a bit of deep research and you will find that everyone with colobama has, at some point of their life, mysteriously disappeared.

What exactly happened in Maddie’s specific case is debatable, but we can speculate further. Reportedly up to 70% of colobama incidences (but most likely a bit less than that) project an inner light from the leakage within their eyeball, which allows them to step through the gateway and onto some prepared low-flying command centre. In more rare cases (but not unheard of), the chosen one will simply evaporate into smaller particles, and be transferred into space that way, but I have my doubts that someone as young as Maddie managed such a feat. But regardless of methods, it is my assumption that the young girl was so overwhelmed by such a rapid force of information, that she simply did not have the time nor the foresight to say goodbye to her family, which is a shame because the media frenzy could have easily been avoided with the right education or communication. Will she ever return? Some have, some have not. It all depends on what part of our fragile universe she has been born to save.

Why can I suddenly taste shit?

I’d like to conclude that I had a bit of a moral dilemma with this question, because child abduction is not funny unless it is on South Park. I have followed Maddie’s case closely and have found it to be a very sad story, so I wasn't sure whether I should go down the jokingly "I'll never give her back" answer, or the dead serious "this is no laughing matter" answer. I am satisfied with the route I took, but I hope I didn't offend anyone as much as I offended myself with such a pointless post. The truth is, who knows where poor Maddie is? She could be dead or living with a pedophile or having the best time of her life. We simply cannot say, and yet I still managed to say quite a lot somehow.

This is a damn good question.

I would say yes, definitely. Whatever you think about the man, you will have to agree that he had a mass amount of passion for his country and his beliefs. And I don’t think such an excess of emotion could permanently be directed towards hatred, could it? There’s a thin line between love and hate anyway, or something.

Besides this, Hitler’s love life (and pretty much every aspect of his life) has been well documented. It is generally agreed that his first (and perhaps only real) love came in the form of his half niece/housekeeper, Geli Raubal. 23 years his junior, the couple were said to be in a 6 year relationship, and while Hitler was reportedly very domineering and cut Geli off from her friends, I think it’s fair to say he was very much in love with this girl. An abusive form of love (read about some of the acts he supposedly forced this 17 year old to partake in, it’s pretty bad, and include scat and golden shower like activities), but love all the same. One could even argue that you’d have to have a deep feeling of love to be so overprotective.

Regardless, Geli wasn’t all that stoked with the set-up, and at the age of 23, shot herself dead with Hitler’s own gun in his apartment. This apparently messed Adolfie up pretty bad, shoving him into a long period of extreme grief, and having a profound impact on the rest of his life. He even became a strict vegetarian because of this incident, maintaining that meat reminded him of Geli’s corpse. He himself threatened suicide (which he wasn’t known to do that often) and withdrew from public life for a while. Some say he was so devastated that a lot of his future evil decisions were a direct result of this weird relationship, and he never felt love quite like that again.

That said, he still loved the ladies. He has been rumoured to be romantically linked to at least 8 women altogether, the most well known of these being Eva Braun. She was 19 when they first got together, and much like Geli, 23 years his junior. They stayed together for 14 years, and that in itself puts no doubt in my mind that he at least loved her on some level, and must have genuinely told her so, because no girl would stay with a man that long without hearing those words. But the relationship was rocky, and Braun loved Hitler much more than he loved her, attempting suicide twice during the relationship - less to kill herself, mind you, but more to get his attention. It worked too, both of these acts seemingly bringing the couple closer together and to new levels of seriousness.

But I think the greatest evidence of Hitler’s love came at the end of his life. Once the Russians were all over Berlin and the capture and murder of the man was inevitable, he did the most surprising thing of all. After midnight on the 29th April 1945, he married Eva Braun. 40 hours later, they committed suicide together, Braun biting into a cyanide capsule and Hitler shooting his brains out.

One can analyse this in many ways. But I think after all the hell he put Braun through, he wanted to make their relationship publicly known and legitimate, as if some kind of a gift just for her. His way of saying thank you. And while none of this is ordinary, I think we can say with all certainty that Hitler had to have loved this woman to do this, despite knowing the end of his life was near. And to choose his final moments and death to be spent with this woman who had dedicated her entire life to him, feels like enough evidence to assume that at some point he must have turned to her and said “I love you”. Completely meaning it.

All this aside, Hitler was fucked up, and 4 of the women he has been linked to have killed themselves. So yeah, define “love” I guess.

I’d be Black Widow because then I’d be Scarlett Johansson and then I’d finger myself.

This question was not exactly next in line, but in regards to recent events, I figured it was appropriate enough to skip the queue.

The reason why formspring deleted all my unanswered inbox questions is because they are assholes, and told me that “it was becoming far too expensive to continue to store millions of unanswered questions, so we decided to remove them if they were sent prior to August 1, 2012.” They assure me they are “very sorry for any inconvenience” but it would have been nice if they gave me a fucking warning before making changes to my life. Who do they think they are? Facebook?

I am honestly heartbroken and distraught over this. As some of you may know, I take formspring very seriously. I lost about 8 questions due to this crap, and some of them were pretty good (including one from Tyler The Creator himself, which hurts the most). I am soooo sorry if one of yours got lost, but there is nothing I can do. I remember a couple of them, which I will be re-posting and answering, but this incident has left my inbox and my spirits very fucking low.

So I beg everyone: PLEASE ask me questions! PLEEEAAAASE! I am BEGGING you! I am on my knees at my computer as I type this, no jokes. I am groveling to a computer screen. Open your heart and let me appeal to your inner Samaritan. I need the security! Don’t do it for me, do it for yourself! Nail me with the deepest most personal question you can muster - I will answer it. Challenge me creatively by requesting a picture or a song - I will do it. If you think there is a question so vile and immoral that no one on the planet would answer it - try me.

I promise, I won’t let you down.

Ok, I will tell you now! (even though it has been 1 year, 5 months and 1 day since you asked, sorry). It’s a good question though.

I’d go forward in time, no doubt. The reason should be pretty obvious: we can go back in time already. Do some people still not know how to do this? Well, in case you don’t, once and for all, this is Jared Woods’ Guide on How to Travel Back in Time:

(1) Pick the time period which you would like to visit.
(2) Research said time period on the internet, or read a book about it.
(3) Close your eyes just for a minute, and imagine what it would be like to live in said time period.
(4) Purchase a DVD film/documentary which centres around said time period, and then play it on your TV or laptop.
(5) Take 2 hits of acid, and then wait 30 minutes whilst watching purchased film intently.
(6) Smoke a massive bong of salvia divinorum.
(7) As you feel yourself fading away, hold an open tube of superglue underneath your nose.

And that’s it! Before you know it, you will be a Japanese jet fighter pilot on his way to Pearl Harbour, or even partaking in a sudden game of chess with a dinosaur! But be careful of them pesky Russian agents who will try catch you for time traveling without a permit! Those dudes are relentless! Double points if you jump on three of their heads in one bounce! Collect as many marbles as you can along the way! Type RMALLETT for God Mode! The trapdoor key is always behind the cactus plant! Do not tell anyone I told you these things! They are after me!!

Oh, and also be prepared for a raging headache when you wake up. That tube of superglue may also be permanently stuck to your nose, but you’re on your own with that one.

My point is: the past has been well documented. As for the future, all we have is predictions and fiction, and nobody ever gets that right, so fuck all that past shit, FUTURE.

Let’s be honest with each other. You wrote this yourself, didn’t you @paamnascimento? Still, totally worth a squirt, whatever.

This is a Henry question. You can spot them a mile away.

WARNING: Mass animal cruelty following.

Earthworms
This is a difficult one to answer, because it all depends on the size of the battleground’s surface area, as well as the texture. If I was on some muddy turf, it would be next to impossible to even know where they were, let alone defend myself.
However, if we were in some closed off room, I reckon I could take on hundreds of thousands. In fact, the more worms there were, the better (to a degree). Have you ever tried to squash an earthworm barefoot? I do this all the time, and it’s not easy - they just squirm through your toes like live spaghetti. On the other hand, squashing a pile of 50 earthworms is a simple process and oddly satisfying.
My main concerns would be my anus and my peehole, so I imagine my technique would be along the lines of stamping like I was making wine, while brushing my legs off with my hands and clenching my butt-cheeks as I did so. They aren’t very fast climbers so I could keep it up for a while. After some time though, I do think my ultimate downfall would be the slippery nature of these squashed creatures. Inevitably I’d grow tired and would fall down onto my back, defeated. And as they crawled up into my intestines and urethra, I would know it was all over.

House Spiders
Seeing as only 14 out of 600 species of spiders in Britain are able to bite people, the whole poisonous thing would not be a concern. So that’s a great start. Also, much like the earthworms, I could stomp the fuck out of a large number of them quite quickly, and unlike the earthworms, it wouldn’t make such a slippery mess so I could avoid falling over from their juices. So far so good.
That said, these fuckers can climb really fast, so my entry points would be in much greater jeopardy. I can only imagine my technique would be exactly the same as the earthworms (stamp quickly; brush legs quickly; clench asshole hard etc) except this round I’d be screaming like a little girl who got kicked in the tit. For these reasons, I’m going to say I could take on about 200 house spiders max, mainly because I’d freak the fuck out so hard just by seeing that many spiders in one place, that I’d have an aneurysm and then die of shock.

Baby Goats
I just looked at some pictures of baby goats, and these dudes are tiny! And they are so cute! I wouldn’t feel threatened by this situation at all. Uhm, 20 maybe? It’s hard to say, because they are pretty fast and probably have strong skulls, but they don’t seem all that smart. I reckon I would just target their legs, kicking the shit out of those brittle limbs until they couldn’t jump ever again, and then I’d laugh. If I fell down, all hell would break lose and I’d grab their legs with my hands and twist that shit. I’d punch them in their stomachs and throats. The whole thing wouldn’t take long.
Any more than 20, I reckon they could knock me down quite quickly and then jump all over my face, kicking me in the jaw and shit, so I’ll go with that number. Do they bite? I have no idea, but that would suck.

Sheep
I’d say like 5? The thing is that, while sheep may be dumb, they are probably pretty hard to kill with your bare hands. Also, it would be quite a straightforward process for a sheep to knock you down with one will-timed headbutt, and then trample your face to death even in a one-on-one battle.
However - I have a plan. I’d jump on one of the sheep’s back and then ride that motherfucker like a pony. I’d shout obscene things as I did so, which should throw them off because sheep hate swear words. The main advantage of this “riding a sheep” technique is that, in order for the others to knock me down, they would have to knock down the sheep I’m on top of too = doing my work for me. While all this was going on, I’d be kicking at any thing that got too close, and at the same time I’d dig my thumbs deep into the eyes of the one I was riding. It wouldn’t take long until the one I was on top of was blind and, as a result, no longer a threat to me. I’d swiftly jump off and then climb on top of the next one.
Using this method, a stronger man could probably get through many more than 5, but I’m a smoker and tire easily.

Cats
This is another very difficult one, because it all depends on the environment. For example, can they climb up above my head? Because that would put me in a very vulnerable position. They would drop down on me and scratch the shit out of my features, making that godawful sound while they did so. This whole concept gives me troubles.
On the flip side, however, is there a wall nearby? Because one thing I know about cats is that you can throw them fucking hard. Their main disadvantage would be their tails because those things work like handles and make a cat far too easy to pick up. I’d swing them above my head like some sort of a satanic cowboy before flinging their bodies into hard objects or even slamming them into the ground. The idea would be to ignore the ones climbing up my body and scratching my genitals as best I could, and just take them on one at a time, possibly kicking in random directions as I did so. By using this method, I reckon I could take on up to 20 or so. Any more than that could get quite difficult.
At the end of the day, I would get fucked up, but I can’t imagine a cat having the ability to kill me that easily.

Hamsters
So many. Too many. I worry that I might actually having fun killing hamsters, because I’d feel almost godlike. They can’t take a punch, these things, and they can hardly even bite. If they bit me, I’d bite them back double as hard, tearing chunks right out of their stomachs. I’d pick one up and crush its skull in my hands just to make a point. I’d punch them into the ground. I’d beat a few to death with my dick just because I could. I mean, all I would really have to do is jump up and down for a while, and that should take care of most of them. I wouldn’t even be worried.
I’ll say 500 or so, because I can only jump up and down for so long, and in that amount they are quite fast and may start stripping the skin off my ankles. Eventually I would have to fall, and then my flesh would be removed from my very skeleton. I’d probably still be laughing though.

Rabbits
Hundreds and hundreds. I can’t even imagine how a bunch of rabbits could kill me. Little claws? No problem, kick them in the face. Big teeth? No problem, kick them in the face. I’d kick their fucking teeth right out of their fucking mouths. What happens if I fall? No problem, I’ll land on a soft pile of cute rabbits. They are so non-threatening that I’d pick up one by its ears and then beat a rabbit with another rabbit. Can they even climb? I don’t think so. I’d jump on top of their soft bodies and make expensive shoes out of their furry guts - the larger the amount, the better. It would be hilarious more than intimidating, I reckon.

Sparrows
I don’t think I could take on that many sparrows because they have the unfair advantage of flight. Ever seen the movie Birds? If they went for my face and tore out my eyes (which wouldn’t be that hard for them to do), I’m pretty fucked. I would just be swatting at the air aimlessly as they pecked my nipples off and ruined my penis - it’s a fucking nightmare thought. I’m not even sure how hard you’d have to swat a sparrow to kill it, so I have absolutely no strategy here. Maybe 25? It would be a fucking disaster regardless.

Pigeons
For some reason, I feel like I could take on more pigeons than sparrows, because they are bigger and easier to punch. It is possible that the more there are, the better, because then I could just go ape-shit and not really worry about accuracy. That said, the whole “pecking out my eyes” thing still applies as a concern, plus pigeons are way diseasey. If just one pigeon got into my mouth and rubbed its infested feathers on my tongue, I’d probably get very sick very quickly. And if they all worked together and targeted my throat, it would be game over in a matter of seconds. That said, I refuse to fear such a common rodent-like creatures, so I’ll happily take on 50 just to see what happens.

Turkeys
Turkeys are aggressive. Turkeys are vicious. Turkeys are ugly. Turkeys are loud. Turkeys intimidate me. Wild Turkeys can fly short distances, which puts them in a perfect position to butcher my genitals with their beaks and horrible talons. I mean, I don’t reckon they could take a kick so well and they are a fairly large target, so in theory I could beat the shit out of them pretty easily, but I’d do so in a state of panic. I could also strangle and twist the shit out of their skinny necks, so points there, Jared.
I dunno, 20? 30? It does scare me a bit, because I have been chased by a turkey once and it had no fear of me, so there is some childhood trauma involved. But then again, how can we be afraid of something so fucking delicious?

Ducks
There are many questions I have about this one. Do you mean the general umbrella term for ducks? Like swans and geese too? Geese freak me out. Or do you just mean the little pathetic species of duck? Also, are they clipped or not? Are we fighting on land or water? These factors make a huge difference.
Regardless, I think I could take on quite a lot of them. What they gonna do? Tweak my nipples with their beaks? Scratch my balls with their tiny nails? These fags have next to no attack skills besides being loud and aggressive, so I’m pretty sure that even if I was passed out drunk, they still couldn’t kill me. Unless they all sat on my face and suffocated me, which I guess is a possibility. Maybe a few hundred? Wouldn’t be too amped though, duck are ok.


This was a hard question and gave me a lot to think about. Thank you, Henry.

Yup. Sup.

Before. I was 10 years old when I got my first guitar, and even though the concept of girl-germs excited me so much that I wanted to drink a whole glass of cooties, the fact that I still believed in such a concept proves how little I knew about chicks at that age. Although, it has to be said, some girls do actually have cooties. My one mate caught cooties on his lip before and it looks disgusting.

But even though “chicks digging guys in a band” was never my reason for playing music, I guess everything I’ve ever done has had the underlying promise of getting laid. Otherwise, what would be the point of doing anything? I may have first picked up the guitar because I wanted to be the next Cobain (or some other equivalent), but what I really wanted was all the recognition that came with that kind of a name. And there is no bigger recognition than a girl wanting your cock inside of her, you know what I mean? Yeah, you do. Anyways, the point is, if girls were indifferent to “guys in a band”, I would still be doing it. But thank God that is not the case.

I would like to conclude that, at the end of the day, I haven’t had all that much groupie success anyway - especially when I first started at that ripe age. Sure, a 10 year musician seemed to fascinate these preteen girls, but they would never let me put my tongue anywhere near their innocent mouths, let alone my muddy fingers near their virginity. It wasn’t until much later when I started playing gigs with my then band No Better Ego Trip http://www.myspace.com/nobetteregotrip that those things started to happen for me - even if it was almost always in the form of a friend. They’d come to watch my show because they’d feel obliged to support a mate, completely unaware of how intriguing I look when I do my Elvis Legs. Before the gig was done, and without fail, their eyes would be glazed over and they would be standing in a puddle of their own wet. They were under my spell and would come straight home with me. The next morning, they’d be all like “Oh fuck, what the hell did we do last night?” and then I’d be all like “Ha! Too late bitch!”
That happened at least twice. It was rad.

Just so we are clear on this, this is my SIXTH woodchuck question since I joined Formspring.

References:
http://www.formspring.me/LegoTrip/q/481696356 (this one should answer the first part of your question)
http://www.formspring.me/LegoTrip/q/481865125
http://www.formspring.me/LegoTrip/q/481783564
http://www.formspring.me/LegoTrip/q/481861335
http://www.formspring.me/LegoTrip/q/636055228 (this one should answer your entire question)

However, I am willing to put some effort into the last part of your query, because, hey, at least you’re trying.

If a woodchuck was “all up in my grill”, I’d punch it in its fucking face. Those things are miniature bro, I’d kick the shit out of it. I am a human and those rodents better recognize. Teeth and claws won’t matter when I turn that little fucker into a pile of wet mess. I do not fear this situation.

Satisfied? No more woodchuck questions please.

No Clinton, I answered it 2 questions ago (albeit a year and a half late). Please forgive me for my lack of punctuality, and the fact that my answer was probably not satisfactory according to your guidelines.

Hello Henry.

For those of you who don’t know, Henry is a really weird guy. Quite a while ago he asked me this very same question, and I confidently answered that I’d rather have my fingers replaced by said penises (read it here http://www.formspring.me/LegoTrip/q/195836334902900096 ). I thought that would be it, but totally underestimated the weirdness of Henry. He kept pestering me, sending me photos of his flaccid cock photoshopped onto my face and hands - it was confusing. He was harassing me, which is cool because I kind of dig being harassed, but it did have another annoying side-effect. I began to doubt myself. Maybe I was too hasty last time. Maybe I didn’t think it through. Maybe I didn’t have the answer after all.

And the truth is, I still have no idea. As I write this, I don’t know how it will all end, but somebody is definitely going to get hurt. However, I do know how to approach it, and so I present to you a little game of Pros and Cons. Look:


FINGERS REPLACED BY PENISES

* PROS
01. I could hide them fairly easily. By using a glove or maybe condoms tied together with ribbons.
02. If erect, I could “finger fuck” 10 girls at once (or at least attempt it, and believe me, I would attempt it).
03. I could give myself oral quite easily and effortlessly. Eating KFC would never be the same again.
04. Giving someone the middle-finger would be extra powerful.

* CONS
01. I would have to maintain multiple erections just to type on the keyboard. And what if I just wasn’t feeling it? “It’s not me, it’s you/I have a headache/I’m tired/I had a long day” I would have to give the keyboard excuses. And that’s no way to live.
02. I would be useless in a fight. And if I had penises for fingers, I imagine I might get into quite a few.
03. There is a hole in the penis (you may have noticed, it’s down the middle) and so if I was using my penis fingers like regular fingers, an array of germs would enter my tube-system. I’d get bladder infection for sure, or however finger penises work. On a related note, almost anything I touched could sue me for sexual harassment.
04. If I jerked off, cocks would be touching, and that’s gay.


NOSE REPLACED BY PENIS

* PROS
01. It would be a distraction from the fact that I have never been able to grow a mustache, because I haven’t properly hit puberty yet. This is a bigger deal than you may think.
02. Giving a girl head would have a whole new meaning! I could rim her bum-hole while I face-fucked her and just say it was an accident!
03. I could give the tip a lick whenever I felt lonely.
04. How weird would snorting cocaine be??? Would it even be possible?? God I hope so. That would be comical to genius levels.

* CONS
01. Imagine a runny nose. Messy. Embarrassing.
02. It would be very difficult to hide, and I’d look like a nob. Especially when erect.
03. If I jerked it off, there would be a good chance it’d get in my eye. That shit burns. Not that I know. A girl told me. I’ve never had semen in my eye. Who told you that?
04. Everything would always smell like cock.


When I look at this in-depth analysis, the answer seems simple to me. While it would probably affect my life a lot more, I have to stick with my original answer. I’m sorry, Henry. I’d rather have my fingers replaced by penises. And my reasoning is exactly the same as before:
I’D HAVE 11 COCKS!!!!!!! :D :D :D :(

Ok, I’ll try.

But first and foremost, I want to quickly cover as to why it has been almost a year and a half since I’ve been answering you lovely children’s questions. Well, the main reason was: this very fucking question.

You see, as much as I feel it’s rude (albeit flattering) how often people try to provoke short stories out of me, I did figure this one was a cool challenge. So I sat down with a pen and paper, and started to write the most filthy thing I could. And wouldn’t you just know it? It sucked. Sure, I could shit out something disgusting just for the sake of being disgusting (my first attempt including mass child molestation and a homeless man eating a used female hygiene product), but it all seemed far too try-hard and would probably end up getting me arrested. So I stopped, defeated, my tail between my legs as I swore off Formspring.

However, some time later I was walking down the road, and I had a small idea. And then I had another idea. And then I mixed those two ideas together, and then I had something. Is it the most painful/extreme/damaging/bizarre thing I could have written? No, it’s not. But I think on a psychological level, and in a social commentary kind of way, it is the best thing I’ve ever written, personally. So please accept my apology, whoever asked this, but I feel we need to RELATE to stories these days, not just throw up on pages and waste valueable time on something that relies on gory for gory’s sake.

Anyway, fuck you if you don’t like it, here it is: http://juicenothing.blogspot.co.uk/2012/10/the-triangular-theory-of-love.html

And in short: I'm back nananana. Ask away.