Madonna vs. Lady Gaga: Street Fighter Style!
a short story by Jared Woods

Alright Ladies and Gentleman, another fine day here on the streets of New York, and the masses have collected for what can only be dubbed as The Pop Fight Of The Century! The crowd is out in full force: Gaga's Little Monsters growl at Madonna's Material Kids who are older and unintimidated. All of them sporting picket fences and provocative clothing, displaying words I don't even understand. I am your host Jared Woods, and you are watching Juice Nothing Sports, where the only Sports we like is completely made up.

Down the right, we have the Challenger, the chart topping twitter trending topic of the decade: LADY GAGA herself! And down to the left, we have the Reigning Champion, the one-and-only motherfucking Queen Of Pop: MADONNA! The tension is high as both ladies are drinking water without breaking eye contact. This ensures to be a big fight children, one you might tell grandkids about if you live that long.

Ah, there's the bell and the competitors move slowly towards each other. The sea of people begin to circle them, creating the fighting-ring as is tradition in this hood. Bets are being made, smaller fan fights have been breaking out all day, and the local lesbians have taken this opportunity to flaunt their sexuality to anyone who will take notice (which isn't really anyone at all).

It doesn't take long until the two opponents meet each other in the center, face to face, toe to toe. Lady Gaga hissing as her cheek implants seem to grow in size, while Madonna remains cool in her casual attire.

"Eh Eh, your times are over Maddie. OVER!" spits Gaga. "I am a TRUE artist, your day at the top has come and gone, bitch. I have written the greatest albums in the history of mankind in a very short time, nobody takes you seriously anymore. Why don't you just call Timbaland and ask him if he can spare you another single, and while you're at it, get some more collagen, you old, washed-up, out-of-date..."

In a flash, Madonna slaps Lady Gaga so hard that a false eye-lash comes right off of her face. RIGHT OFF OF HER FACE. You could hear the pain sink as all The Monsters in the crowd feel it, the marks of Madonna's nails leaving a trail of red across Lady's cheek. But Gaga's expression doesn't flinch, no, we can't read her poker face. The crowd dies down as a smile starts to glint within Gaga's eyes.

She begins to hum a tune which is catchy but no doubt plagiarised, and it gets louder and louder. The Monsters in the crowd excitedly begin to hum along, building momentum, building electricity. Madonna doesn't move until Gaga spins, a roundhouse kick, aiming her phallic shaped heels right at Madonna's head! As it makes contact, Madonna bursts into thousands of birds like she was in the Frozen video, and they take off, soaring and circling higher and higher above the crowd.

Gaga is not deterred, as she begins to grumble like an engine. Her legs harden like a heavy metal lover. They morph and warp until... beliebe it or not... she is a roaring motorbike/human hybrid! With a large snarl, she wheel-spins and circles the arena in seconds, reaching mind-blowing speeds, and then rides straight up the nearest building, heading skyward towards the Madonna Birds.

The sun hits both of these celebrities, and some say that the shadow projected onto the sidewalk resembled a crucifix.

Miraculously (and in very little time) the vertical GagaBike catches up to the birds and begins to shoot Kermit The Frog dolls out of her mouth, knocking them down one by one. Dead birds shower the crowd as Madonna's fans cry that this might be over far too soon.

But of course, this is not the case. Quickly the birds make a dive and race far below the GagaBike, which is going too fast to turn around. The birds hit the street with such force that they turn into a mercury like liquid, which sprays a few feet directly into the air like a fountain, and then forms Madonna's true self once again. Except this time, the Material Girl is in full cowgirl uniform. She produces a lasso rope from her vagina like a virgin, swirls it above her head, and throws it towards Gaga who is miles above. The rope never seems to end, and pours out of Madonna's snatch, hurtling up at Gaga until it snags her by her neck. The GagaBike comes to a sudden halt, blood pukes out of her mouth as the rope strangles her... and then she begins to fall down. Fast.

The last paragraph takes less than 3 seconds. Most of the crowd has no idea what happened until the instant replay much later.

The bike smashes into the ground. The sound is unbearable, pieces of Gaga go everywhere. Metal rods fly and impale many of the spectators, killing them dead. I guess it's not really about the fans after all...

Silence. Surely not even someone like Gaga could survive such a fall. Smoke bellows from a hole in the ground, where Madonna just strikes a Vogue Pose, not breaking a sweat. Is it time to ring the bell? This fight is over!

No! No wait! Out of the smoke rising is Gaga! She is alive! She is covered in meat! Where did she get that? What does it matter? It stinks! And she looks pissed off! The paparazzi are going camera crazy! Is this a fashion disaster? Or are the critics too afraid to say when Gaga looks ridiculous these days? Ah, who cares, shit is about to get real!

Gaga spits blood, and for the first time Madonna seems noticeably unsettled. If that didn't kill Gaga, what possibly could? Slowly, Lady's hair beings to warp, first resembling a birds nest of sorts, then resembling a bow, until finally settling on a giant black telephone placed on her head. She picks up the receiver and begins to talk in a different language while Madonna produces the American flag and waves it around for no apparent reason. Ah well, express yourself girl.

Suddenly, Gaga hangs up the phone, squints into the sky, and whispers "Let's Dance". A loud whistle tears through the air, and a Monster falls out of the sky! Not a fan, an actual Monster! A small ball of fluff and scales, which attaches itself to Madonna's arm with it's massive jaw of teeth! Madonna shrieks, and knocks it off with one lightening karate chop. Another Monster falls and lands next to her foot. She kicks it like a football player.

Another one falls. And another one. And another one! Soon it is raining these little Monster Balls everywhere, on top of cars, on top of fans, on top of Gaga, all running towards Madonna with blood thirsty eyes. There are thousands! No wait! MILLIONS! TENS OF MILLIONS! ONE FOR EVERY SINGLE LIKE THE GAGA FAN PAGE HAS RECEIVED! AN ENDLESS STREAM! This is not looking good for Madge at all.

But what's this...? Madonna is defending herself! By using her yoga training and Kabbalah mindset, she dodges and kicks them like she's back in the Hung Up video, knocking hundreds of them flying every second, exploding against walls. And what's this...? Is she...? OMG, she is actually FUCKING the Monsters! Talk about Erotica! Talk about Bad Romance! She is shoving them up her vagina and destroying them with a strap-on! The Monsters are running, the Monsters are exploding, the Monsters are giving birth to weird Madonna-freak-hybrids! She has done it! All the Monsters are running away in fear, as she chases after them, kicking with all her might! Lady Gaga can't believe it! That was her finisher move, countered!

All the Monsters are gone. The streets are silent. Now what? Madonna turns to face Gaga, and begins to slowly walk towards her. Lady Gaga starts to panic, and makes a really bad move.

In pure frustration, she produces her 5 Grammy Awards and begins to throw them at Maddy. Madonna responds by throwing her Grammys right back at Gaga. One, two, three, four, five... they all collide in the air and turn to dust. That's when Madonna produces her further 2 Grammys, and blasts them forward, hitting Gaga right in her face, smashing cigarettes off of the glasses she was suddenly wearing. Gaga is bleeding, and Madonna continues to stroll towards her.

11 MTV Awards spew out of Gaga's hands, Madonna smashes those with 11 of hers, and then nails Gaga's face once again with a FURTHER 9 of them! These obliterate Gaga's face - it tears and it bleeds as she falls back onto her ass. Madonna continues to walk towards her, slowly, smiling.

Desperate, Gaga fires her 3 Brit Awards at Madonna. Madonna shoots her Brit Awards to retaliate... ONE; TWO.... oh shit! Madonna only won 2 Brit Awards! Gaga's third one slams into Madonna's jaw, and a tooth falls onto the ground. This stops her in her tracks. The two girls look at each other. Gaga doesn't look good. Madonna just looks angry.

Madgie puts her hands together like a prayer, and a ray of light forms in the cusp. Slowly, her Golden Globe rises from her palms. The Golden Globe she won for best actress in Evita. An award that Gaga has never won, and probably never will.

The Globe bursts into flames in a second and soars straight towards Gaga. She tries to dive out the way too late, and it explodes right into her. She is on fire and she is screaming about Judas-this and Hair-that, running around frantically while Madonna (for the first time) begins to laugh hysterically. She laughs so loud that you could hear her in Hollywood. She laughs for what seems like hours.

Slowly the flames die down, and Gaga is lying in a heap on the sidewalk. Her fans rush to help her but are stopped by the security. It looks like this match is finally...

Wait a minute. Wait just a minute. It can't be... Gaga is... is standing up! She is standing up! The crowd is going wild! Madonna can't believe it either, her laughter is gone! Gaga just won't die! Is she invincible? Immortal? ALIEN?? She must be!

She stands up and wipes blood from her face, making eye contact once again with the now very nervous Madonna. "Alright Magpie," she coughs. "You want to see who's cock is bigger? I'll show you who's fucking cock is bigger!"

Right then, Gaga whips out her 12inch cock and begins wanking it with all her might. People are stunned! The rumours were true! She was a hermaphrodite all this time! I knew it though.

Hot lava begins to ejaculate from Gaga's erect cock, shooting towards Madonna as she dodges them with great difficulty. Fire and rocks and AIDS begin to shoot from the penis, bigger and bigger each time, destroying buildings and spectators but failing to make contact. Gaga is screaming, either in pain or in bliss as if she has never cum like this before (even if she was born this way).

"GAGA!" Madonna abruptly screams at such volume that the panic of the crowd is silenced, and Lady stops dead, mid-wank. "What do you think you are DOING??" Madge screams. "I am the ORIGINAL GENITALIA WEAPON GIRL. You die today. I'll die another day, thank you very much."

With that, Madonna tears off her shirt, revealing two massive Material-Girl cone tits, and within seconds, is blasting bullets from them like a motherfucker directly at Gaga. They travel at massive speeds, piercing Gaga's face implants and tearing through her body. Thousands of bullets per split second, so fast that Gaga makes no sound. She falls to pieces until resembling nothing but paper-mache. Madonna doesn't stop there. She keeps pummelling the wet mess with more and more of these bullets - millions of them - until there is nothing left of Gaga except a puddle of lead. Smoke fills the air and the firing noises stop. Madonna blows smoke off of each tit dramatically, walks over the the puddle, and drinks what is left of Gaga, securing her death.

It takes a minute but soon the crowd has gone mental. Little Monsters are crying in distraught (some even killing themselves on the spot), but the Material Boys and Girls are cheering like it's the New Year. Screams of joy, screams of grief, and Madonna just stands there, enjoying the celebration. Out of nowhere Britney Spears runs out of the crowd and starts to make out with Madge, dry humping her leg, whilst Christina Aguleria waits for her turn... forever.

And there you have it folks! The final outcome! Madonna is still the Queen of Pop... fucking duh! Lady Gaga has had 3 major releases out, one of which was just an EP. Pay your dues bitch, you are NOTHING compared to Madonna. Everyone, stop your outlandish claims, the argument is pathetic. Madonna released her first fucking album in 1983, show some fucking respect. GAGA IS NOT THE NEW MADONNA! EVERYONE SHUT UP! According to the Guinness Book Of World Records, Madonna is the world's top selling female artist. Of. All. Time. She has been doing this for nearly 3 decades! She hasn't fucked it up! You, in comparison, Ms. Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta, hardly even understand the fickle nature that is the general public which will only turn against you more as time passes. This debate is over. Try again in 10 years Gaga, and better luck next time.

And this concludes tonight's broadcast. I was your host Jared Woods for Juice Nothing Sports, and remember kids: Statically speaking (when done right), the withdrawal method is a safer means of avoiding pregnancy over a condom, but does not protect from STDs. Goodnight New York.

Hello Henry.

I have thought long and hard about this man. I saw disadvantages either way and had to spend many hours alone in my room, staring at my penis, staring at my fingers, staring at my nose, imagining how my existence would change. It was one of the most confusing periods of my life (on par with when I had to tell my parents I was gay) and I have come to this conclusion:

I would rather have all my fingers replaced by penises. Because, like, then I'd have 11 PENISES!!! Dude, I would fuck like... 11 GIRLS AT THE SAME TIME! I understand day-to-day tasks would be complicated, and I'd have to remain erect in each finger just to type on my PC or tie my shoelaces, but like... 11 PENISES! 11 GIRLS AT THE SAME TIME!! Yes.

Also, hands are easier to hide. A penis for a nose would be too exposed, and my friends would tease me more than they already do :(

I hope you life constantly improves from this point on.

It's a hard one. I could live with any one of the Funpowder Plot guys, cos I already have (par Ammr, but I am sure he would be well behave and is house trained). http://thefunpowderplot.com/thefunpowderplot.php

In all honesty though, it would have to be a girl. I hate wanking with boys. So I'd choose Lizzie because she is hot and smells like milk. If you don't know who Lizzie is, then you don't know who I am.

Wait, his beard is giving you a rash and you haven't told him yet? Damn girl, you're awesome. Do you cook him breakfast in bed and massage his feet while he eats it too? Do you let him put a beer on your head whilst giving him a blow-job? Does he cheat on you and you laugh it off whilst writing about it in your diary? Do you allow him to urinate in your mouth when he is too lazy to go to the bathroom? Well? DO YOU?

Dude - tell him. You are getting a fucking RASH on your FACE. That is fucking disgusting and worse than a beard. What, do you think he will hit you or something? But just remember, if he shaves it off, it is his RIGHT to DEMAND you shave your vagina. Only fair. Although you probably do that already, don't you? Yeah you do. You naughty girl. Fuck, just turned myself on again.

The drummer from Attack Attack!? Yes. Yes I am.

It is definitely not true that "all girls are just another notch on the bedpost", otherwise who in their right mind would get married? However, you might be just another notch in this guy's bedpost, I don't know.

This is how you can tell. Talk to him, and say something to the effect of:

"Uhm, listen, I met this guy over the weekend. He seems really sweet and is definitely interested in me. He wants to meet up with me this week, should I go? I mean, he's hot and seems like my type... but this wouldn't cause any problems between you and me though, would it?"

This is much better than outright confessing your feelings, because it will more than likely trigger a jealousy vibe within this dude. I can almost 100% guarantee that no matter how he feels about you, he will in some way consider you to be his "possession" in the nicest way possible. Guys are like that. We enjoy sleeping around, but when the girls we sleep with are sleeping around too it makes it hard for us to sleep at night, you know?

Now, he will give you one of 3 responses.
(1) "lol - go for it." [variation 1]
This is where you can tell he obviously doesn't give a fuck about fucking you, which means it is all fun and games. He doesn't care what you do because he is probably fucking other people anyway. I'd suggest you do the same, or GTFO.
(2) "lol - go for it." [variation 2]
This is a delicate one, and you need to pay careful attention to mannerisms, tone of voice and the exact way he words it. I reckon that this response is the most likely. He doesn't like the idea of you meeting up with someone else, but feels that due to your arrangement he needs to allow you to do what you want. If you note some hesitation in his answer, pry a little further to make sure. Try something like: "I don't know if I should though. I feel like you and I have a good set-up here, and I would hate to make things complicated" blah blah blah. You probably won't get him to confess his undying love exactly, but you could get some comfort in knowing that he is investing something or other into you (i.e: not just fun and games).
(3) "uhm, actually I'm not too happy about it."
Obviously this is ideal. Then you guys can make it official, fall in love and ultimately break up, delete each other off of facebook, diss each other to your mutual friends and yet still wank thinking about your experiences together. This is how every relationship always goes, every time, without fail. Believe me - I know. I'm from formspring.

Who's Aslan? That fucking fictional Lion who was actually based on Christ himself? Dude, what the hell has Aslan ever done that affects our society today? NOTHING. HE IS FICTIONAL. Jesus is the greatest gangster that has ever lived hands-down, it's a no brainer.

This is pretty much THE question. One I have debated with my friends many many times before, and yet never came to any comfortable conclusion.

First of all, what everyone needs to know is that music is my LIFE. Without it, I am not Jared. I am Nigel. It's been like this since I was a little boy, like a curse or a sexual preference, or some combination of the two. What's more, it has only increased as time has gone on. As a teenager, I spent every waking hour learning as much about the metal genre as I could, purely so that I was better than all my friends (and it worked). As I got older, I wrote off metal completely and began to delve into the classics as hard as possible (as it stands I've heard 73 of this top 100 list: http://rateyourmusic.com/customchart which is decent, but NOT DECENT ENOUGH). Last year I became obsessed with recent releases, listening to every 2010 album in the world and writing a little bloggy blog about it here: http://juicenothing.blogspot.com/2010/12/jared-woods-top-50-essential-2010.html This year, I have upped it one more notch with this: http://www.juicenothing.com/best-albums-of-2011.php

If it sounds like I'm trying to big myself up here and sound cool, it's because I am. Formspring is the only place left where I am still somewhat cool. But I think it illustrates my point: I live for music. I eat and breathe music. I listen to music pretty much every waking moment of every single fucking day (which you can watch LIVE over here: http://www.last.fm/user/LegoTrip ). I want to have a career in music. I have been in many bands and am currently working really hard on my first EP release called Coming Down Happy (out in August/September 2011 or so </shameless plug>). It is my dream and the end result of all my goals. It is my only true partner, and has never let me down.

But have you ever fallen in love? Like... properly fallen in love? That is the best feeling in the world, it makes me sick. Even if you combined every single classic album that was ever created into one vibe, nothing beats the feeling of loving a bitch. When I'm depressed, music can help me, but just a simple cuddle from a girl defeats any tune that has ever been written. Hell, most songs are based on love/heartbreak anyway. And like, no sex? NO SEX? Impossible. The whole reason I want to be a rockstar is for the pussy. Actually, the whole reason I do anything is for the pussy.

To say "no girls" cuts out half of the population, and I hate almost every guy I know, so it is with great reluctance I conclude: girls over music. Now excuse me while I hang myself.

You know, people talk about tickling vaginas all the time, but does anyone actually do that? Like, just tickle it? Man, if I even get close to a vagina I just want to stretch it open and climb right inside, none of this tickling bullshit. Wouldn't that just be irritating for you?

But if that's what you're into, fine, I'll do it. I want you to like me.

DISCLAIMER: Although EVERYTHING in this answer was RESEARCHED and REPEATED from found sources, I did notice some of these facts have been disputed by other positions. Please do your own homework, I am not your library, but I am an honest man.

ANSWER:

Hey Milz! Great question!

I've heard that too! But sadly (upon researching for this very question) I found out that they unfortunately do not mate for life :( Read this: http://beachchairscientist.wordpress.com/2008/11/25/do-lobsters-mate-for-life/

In fact, very few animals mate for life at all. Hell, I hardly know any humans that do. However, there are still some very interesting species which come close, so perhaps there is hope for love yet! Here are the best examples I could find:

The closest relation to the human in this answer are the Gibbon monkeys. They not only form a very strong bond which often develops into monogamy, but both genders are extremely equal in their duties due to their similar physical size. They are one of the very few of the ape-family who are like this, and that's just grand.

Prairie Vole Rodents have been known to mate for life, and are also apparently super jealous in the practice, as they attack any other rodent who makes an advance on their lovers. Black Vultures take it one step further, as they have been known to attack other Vultures if they see them being promiscuous even if it has nothing to do with them.

Penguins are known to mate for life, but recently they have been observed to engage in prostitution(!), check it out: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/asia-pacific/60302.stm

Swans occasionally mate for life, but interestingly enough, they have been known to "divorce" each other especially if there is a nesting problem. I know a few people who have broken up due to miscarriage/abortion issues, which is a fascinating similarity between a human and a bird.

But as with any species, things die, and in all of the above examples they find a new mate if one passes. Same goes for Beavers and Bald Eagles, who also mate for life. However, this isn't always the case...

It has been reported that certain species of Seahorse never get over a lost partner and mourn forever. Cranes have a similar story (albeit disputed). But Wolves in particular seem to fall in love the hardest. A lot of people claim that they never find another mate and can mourn so badly that they actually starve themselves to death. There is something morbidly beautiful in that.

As amazing as all of this is, I have saved the best for last. You ready? Here are my top 3 romantic creatures:

3. Schistosoma Mansoni
These guys mate for life... INSIDE OF YOU. That's right. They are worms who fuck and give birth to lots and lots of little worms within your organs, which causes a world of hurt for you (including diarrhea and genital sores).

2. Termites
As we all know, termites live in colonies. But every now and then a male and a female fall in love and rebel against the system. They break away to form their own colony, literally laying thousands of eggs a day and giving birth to a motherfucking army of workers. I plan to do a similar thing in my life. They reportedly stick together forever too.

1. Anglerfish
This is the best. Talk about "mating for life", the male lives solely to find a female. He then attaches himself to her bloodstream, and slowly degenerates until there is nothing left but a pair of testicles fixed to her body. When the female releases a certain hormone, these balls impregnate her with their man-juice. Is that the kind of thing you were looking for hey, Milz? True love! :P

I hope this was somewhat educational whilst being entertaining. Like David Edinburgh. Or Sesame Street. Except just using words. But before I go, I would like to touch on humans for a bit. While monogamy is a good way of avoiding disease, and is very romantically ideal and poetic and shit, I do believe the concept was invented by the church and supported by the government for organization means. I don't believe in marriage (even though I will probably get married one day) and I don't think an exclusive sex partner is necessarily natural. If you find someone you want to be alone with for the rest of your life, that is great, but in today's society I find it is almost unfairly expected of you, and fuck that basically.

That said, I am currently involved with someone who I love very much, and I have no intentions of being with anyone else. To pay this respect, I'd like to end with a quote from her which I find to be very accurate. One day she told me that she believed "Females need to be physically prepared to take as many cocks as possible in one session, while men need to get rid of their sperm as fast as they can to avoid hurting the women. That's why boys orgasm much quicker than girls, as this increases the chance of reproduction." Awesomely true right? Yeah, she's a keeper.

There is such a thing: http://www.allianceonline.co.uk/cleaning-chemicals/bathroom-products/hand-soap/lux-2-in-1-shower-gelshampoo-cshb0015.html

I don't think they should be separate. I'm just bleak you can't brush your teeth with the stuff. If I had my way, we'd just have one bathroom product, so there is definitely room for progress.

And finally, I don't use conditioner because it makes my hair look like an umbrella made of cotton wool and shame. So 2in1 gel/shampoo ftw.

Have a nice day Diego.

I always feel bad about questions like this. You ask to meet up "tomorrow evening" and yet it has taken me well over 2 months to answer. Even worse is that this references my 300th question, which was aaaages ago, this is now my 315th question. I am so sorry. I am a very busy man.

Anyways, 50 on my fuckability quiz? That is pretty impressive. I hardly even remember what was on that thing, I had to double check. Drinks? Fucking absolutely, I love drinking! Complicated sex? Erm... ah, who am I kidding, I love complicated sex! Let's take it up a notch. Let's do anal. Unprotected. Can I tie you up? Can I take photos? Do you mind if I call you Sebastian Porterburger? I always wanted to fuck a Sebastian Porterburger. Can I inject you with a substance without you asking what it is? Have you ever experienced someone pissing in your face? Not saying I want to, just asking.

One of the criteria of the so-called "Fuckability Quiz" was that you had to "know me in real life/be my friend on facebook", so give me a shout if you think you can handle my epic cock which sperms bullets and money.

And remember kids: if you want to fuck me, just take the quiz yourself here: http://www.formspring.me/LegoTrip/q/626660923

Simple? Compared to what? Life is all we have my friend. It's the only thing we know and the only sure thing we will ever experience. But if you think this is simple - I envy you dude. My life is fucking complex to the max.

You may get happy, but define happy? Are you excited? Inspired? In love? Drunk? Appreciative? Free? In good company? Proud? Relieved?
You may get sad, but define sad? Are you lonely? Hurt? Frustrated? In danger? Worried? Tired? Heartbroken? Has somebody wronged you?
Yeah, you work, but where do you work? Do you serve people their food? Do you rent places for people to sleep? Do you entertain with your art? Do you sell your body? Do you work with computers? Do you help people get drunk? Do you clean up shit in public bathrooms?
Yeah, you sleep, but what do you dream? I usually dream about Emma Watson and assorted phallic shaped vegetables.

I could go on, but I think my point is clear. Just by looking at your examples of "Happy", "Sad", "Work" and "Sleep", you can see that the depth is infinite. And life is not limited to these things, what about human interaction? Love? Goals? Yourself? Knowledge? Money? Nature? Drugs? Travelling? Politics? The list of factors itself is endless, and each one more detailed than anyone has ever understood.

So yes, you answered your own question there: you are over-simplifying things. Dig deeper. Dig forever and you will still never reach the end.

That said, never search for the "meaning of life" or some kind of a "catch". There isn't one, I have spoken about this here: http://www.formspring.me/LegoTrip/q/562356452?1304684005619

But you sound like you are in desperate need of spicing your boring life up. Quit your job and run around the desert without any possessions for a while. Go fuck a hooker without protection. Organize a party on facebook for a thousand people you don't know, but don't prepare for it. Take mushrooms in a crowded area. Don't pay rent for 6 months. Punch a cop. Do something stupid and then suddenly life won't feel so simple anymore - it will feel scary and long.

No, I haven't. I plan to go to Thailand within a year to rectify this problem.

Once upon a time... woah, wait a minute son, are you trying to provoke a short story here or something? Fuck you man, I'm not your literature whore. In particular, the line "What do people blame for your antics?" would require some sort of an assumption on my part, wouldn't you say? And I really don't see how this would be my problem anyway. I swiftly ignore it.

Besides that detail, this is actually a fine question, and here is my fine answer:

First up, I would search Hackney until I found a meth dealer (which shouldn't be that hard). I would steal his whole fucking stash and immediately start hitting that shit like a boss. This is not because I am a meth addict (I don't touch the stuff) but if I only have 3 invisible days, I am not willing to waste any precious time sleeping. Plus, I will get that nasty meth psychosis thing which will remove all morals and apprehensions.

The next thing I would do is write a letter to the press and the Church informing them that a miracle is about to take place in 3 days at the Vatican. I'd then update my Twitter and Juice Nothing to say the same thing.

Then I would go straight to the airport and sneak onto the next flight to The White House, Washington, D.C. I would enter undetected and walk around and giggle. I would find the president's office and go through his stuff until I came across something super secret, and would memorize it. I would fight the urge to fwd all of his emails to Wikileaks, but I would definitely carve something into his desk like "3 days - the Vatican". Just imagine how much the USA would freak out over the infiltration when they found that! The repercussions would be beautiful. I'd also definitely smoke a spliff and have a wank in his bathroom.

That night I'd travel to Hollywood, California, and go to every club I can. I'd walk into the VIP sections like it ain't no thang, and quietly watch celebrities until the moment they take their eyes off of their smart-phones. That's when I'd pounce and carefully log-in to their Twitter accounts, follow myself, and then Tweet something like "#FF @LegoTrip" or "http://www.JuiceNothing ftw!" to their millions of followers. I'd keep doing this until the most famous person leaves, follow them back to their home and then watch them have sex up close and personal. I am voyeuristic as fuck, I won't lie, I'm gonna be a terrible old man.

The next morning (while I'm in California) I would travel to the facebook building, sneak into Mark Zuckerberg's office and then post details about "The Miracle Taking Place In The Vatican" in a few days all over the place. That should drum up some further interest. I also wouldn't mind sneaking into their development department and deleting a bunch of important shit just for lols, but whatever.

How much time would this all take exactly? I dunno. If there was still a lot of time left I'd definitely like to do some senseless shit back in the UK, like spying on David Bowie. I'd also dig to find Derren Brown, not only because I am a massive fan, but mainly for the reason that he is so anti-paranormal and pro-everything-has-a-logical-explanation. It would be beautiful to give him one motherfucker of a paranormal experience - go to his house and throw knives around, write Satanic verses on his walls, ejaculate on his face etc. His entire career would be altered, which is cruel and pointless, but still beyond hilarious. At some point it would also be cool to travel to a gig where some shitty ego cock rock band was playing, like Motley Crue or KISS or Bon Jovi or something. I'd go on stage and make it the worst gig of their lives. I'd unplug their shit, I'd trip them up, I'd tie their shoelaces together, I'd push over amps. I'd watch them squirm. They deserve it. But all of this depends on travel time, because I can't miss the grand finale...

It would all lead up to the last day. I'd stay true to my word and take a trip to the Vatican, strip naked and stand at the alter. Obviously due to my contact with the press; the countless people who heard of the prediction due to celebrity Twitter pages; my facebook hack; and the message carved into Obama's desk... I'd imagine there would be a rather large turn out indeed.

And then BOOM, I'd be visible again, appearing out of nowhere completely nude and very strung out from all the speed. I think it's safe to say that from that moment on I'd be a prophet who would teach nothing but love and be officially the first person to take over the world (especially because I'd have some interesting inside dirt on The President which nobody else could possibly know). People would flock to my websites and hang onto my every word. They would love me! They would really love me! My family might even love me! I'd do good! I'd be the most famous person in the world! I'd be bigger than Jesus! I'd get on the cover of Time magazine! I'd finally be the Jared I always wanted to be! Hooray for Jared! Hooray!!

One final thing: During my reign, I'd also predict the end of the world as 3010, and when I die (more than likely assassinated) I would find peace in knowing that for a thousand years, people would believe it. When the time came, they would all hide in bunkers and pray for forgiveness just because of something I said - and then ultimately realise I was full of shit anyway. That's funny.

This made me excited. Why do you ask me this? Please tell me you have a way?

Multiple orgasms and the violin.

I like this. I am a fan of it.

I have to assume that this is one of those "dead or alive" questions. In which case, I will go with a dead person because it makes my life easier as there are more dead people than live ones. With this mind, there is only one choice: Jesus.

The reasons why I choose Him should be obvious, but I will explain it to you anyway because I love to talk. It's because Jesus is inarguably one of the highest, most influential figures that has ever walked the earth. His very name has altered a vast majority of history, as well as people's perceptions, opinions and conversations all over the planet. People live in his name. People die in his name. I take his name in vain.

With these reasons as my back-up, my three questions for Jesus would be:

(1) If a person is born on a deserted island without any outside contact; they have lived in harmony with themselves and their environment; they have treated other creatures with love and respect; and they have never broken one of the 10 commandments... would they still be damned to a life of hell just because they were never aware of your existence? More specifically: does the "only way to enter Heaven is through Jesus" rule apply to someone like this?

(2) In hindsight, how do you feel the Christian religion turned out? Like, what is your opinion on the Bible? How would you change it? And retrospectively, do you really think all your shenanigans were a good idea?

(3) Can I pleeeease have your autograph? OMG, my friends aren't gonna believe this!

Naturally I'd sell my story to the press. Yeah, Jesus loves me.

Anyways, on the off-chance you were more concerned with the living people, I would probably just ask Gauge if I could fuck her in the ass. THREE TIMES.

Because the higher you are, the more you can see. <insert marijuana joke here>

This question was continued with:

"Continued... And not to mention this girl has had this guy after her for a long time and is still only friends with him and won't let him in. So who deserves her more? The guy thats been in the friend zone forever? or me, the new guy who's just showed up?"


First of all, congrats on "being yourself" and getting your life more sorted - I always recommend that kind of thing. But bummer on the stupid decisions. Don't worry, it happens to the best of us. Except me.

Second of all... what do you really expect me to say? Will someone's past prevent them from forming a relationship with someone else? Well, yeah, maybe it could. Did you really need me to tell you that? I mean, this whole situation depends entirely on this person's view on what's important, and exactly what it is you did. I don't have this information because you did not give it to me.

If you want a more clearer answer, you have 2 options: (1) You can re-ask your question in a more detailed fashion, and then I can answer it by drawing parallels to my own experience. Which will make me sound clever, sure, but ultimately have no connection to your life whatsoever. Or (2) You could actually ask said person for their opinion? Just a thought? Because, trust me, even if Buddha himself was on Formspring, the person you speak of will have a better insight and much more useful feedback for you.

As for who deserves her more between you and the other guy - it's also a silly question. I don't know you. I don't know him. It's up to her to weigh this up and make a decision - if she wants to make a decision at all. But if it's a question between "The Guy In The Friend Zone" vs. "The New Guy Who Has Made Some Mistakes" in general, I'd go for the Friend-Zone Guy. Why? Because that's how all the best High-School movies end. In reality though, it hardly ever works that way, so you still got a chance. Once again, I have said nothing of any value whatsoever.

I have no idea where I'm going with this. You are both dumbasses. Sort your shit out. I am going to stop answering your question now because I would rather write a sonnet for a boat than continue. But good luck anyway.

AFTER THOUGHT: We here at Jared would like to apologise for the snide answer you have just experienced. While we cannot guarantee that such a reply won't happen again, we still hope you continue to use this service as Jared needs the attention just to feel somewhat human. Thank you. You're welcome.

I know you won't believe me, but I can "nosh myself". It's not as fun as you might imagine.