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All responses Most smiled responses
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Hey sis, congratulations on finding a new church and getting connected. Church isn’t for everyone but for those of us that are in critical stages of our life a good Bible teaching church with sound submitted leadership is a God send; so congratulations again.
As for your question about knowing when you’ve “found your purpose in life”? That’s a BIG one. I don’t believe there are any easy answers to that one. Not because our purpose is hard to find, but because the concept of a life’s purpose is actually really difficult to understand. And as such just about everyone you ask will have a different perspective and tell you something different. It is easy to get confused and/or discouraged trying to get anyone to give you a straight answer. Even now it may feel as if I’m somehow avoiding the question, but I assure you I am not. It’s just a very difficult question to answer.
For example, to most people the idea of a life’s purpose is presented as some kind of spiritual graduation ceremony or the finish to some super natural race. As if you must have achieved some level or spiritual superiority to actually find your purpose. Many people represent the concept of life’s purpose as some kind of finish line or coronation. I personally think that couldn’t be any further from the truth. But I can most certainly see how easily the destination might be confused with the process.
I don’t view our purpose as a destination, but as a journey; a process. And even further I certainly don’t see a life’s purpose in “WHAT or WHERE we do” as much as I see it in “WHY and HOW we do”. Ultimately, I believe our purpose IS TO MASTER THE JOURNEY of accepting, submitting, embracing, and being liberated by and in the freedom to serve God seamlessly in EVERYTHING we do. I believe searching for WHAT or WHERE our purpose is, is a natural but very self centered approach. Part of our journey is being liberated from defining ourselves by WHAT or WHERE we are and redefining ourselves according to God’s OMNIPOTENCE and OMIPRESENCE. It’s not about us… really it’s not.
Ultimately, it’s not about our purpose. It’s about being willing, able, and eager to serve the purposes of God where ever we might be and in whatever way that presents itself on our journey. Sis, I believe that once we have assumed the appropriate posture of genuine joy and submission in the serving the Lord God can use us to do anything, anywhere, and at any time… and in that way it is not about OUR purpose, BUT His.
One year that purpose might be to feed the homeless, the next year it might be to minister to orphans, the year after that it might be to evangelize a work place, or it may just be to be the best parent and spouse we can be in the family that God has given us. In this way our journey is simplified… We are to simply do WHATEVER we do as if we are doing it unto the Lord. No mystery… But we like to think more highly of ourselves than we ought, so many of us refuse to believe it could possibly be that simple.
I believe our real journey is internal and therefore I believe our real rewards and our real purpose are also manifested internally. Once we have died to the notion that we have some great purpose other than simply serving God in any way we can, it is only then that we are truly fit to serve any great purpose at all. It is then that I believe God will use us to do His will; to fulfill His purpose... not ours. It is in this personal death and resurrection that our true HIGHER purpose is ultimately served… Again not specifically in WHAT or WHERE we do anything… but in WHY and HOW we do everything.
Sis, please remember, this is just my own personal perspective. But you asked, so :)... I hope this helps.
Bo -
I want to make sure we don't over romanticize Christian marriage. I believe far too many women and men have been fooled into believing there is only one person in all of the world who God has created specifically for them... I just don't believe that.
As much as I love my wife and I am convinced she is perfect for me, I am certain that was not the case before or early on in our marriage. God actually used our marriage to perfect us for each other. It's a very involved process and a very tough process at that. So tough in fact, most people literally run away from it as soon as it starts to hurt a little, just like little kids run from the dentist. But as Christian husbands and wives we simply must understand God uses each spouse to chip away at and sand down the rough edges on the other. God uses each spouse to polish the other into a perfectly fitting piece for the other. This perfection happens AFTER the wedding... not before.
I've said this quite a few times in the last 3 or 4 months, no two people are perfect for each other prior to marriage. My wife and I were not either. 20 years ago I actually chose my wife and she chose me. In fact, I am actually my wife’s second husband. And the truth is she chose us both. And it would be easy to just think she must have chosen better the second time, but that would only be partially true. The truth is she was much more mature when I met her and much more ready and willing to do things God's way. Had I married the same woman her first husband was married to we would have very likely gotten divorced too.
So yes, choosing the right “kind” of person is important just as important as being the right kind of person. But in the end, I don’t believe there is just ONE right person that God is hiding from you until just the right moment. That’s some Hollywood stuff. What God wants is for two people to choose each other and then the two of them to choose Him. That’s what we did sis… and our daily decisions to let His Word decide our differences and direct our paths is what has been actively perfecting us for each other ever since.
I think the real tragic irony here is that so many people are sitting around waiting on God to bring them the perfect person and at the same time God is waiting on them to trust Him enough to perfect them together.
Hope that helps fam.
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Steven “Bo” Beaudoin Jr.
Husband, Father, Friend, Mentor, Author, Speaker, Trainer, Professional Life/Relationship Coach, Entrepreneur, and Philanthropist. He is a champion of Christ centered clarity, motivation, and focus.
2M Communications ©2011 Copyright, Steven Beaudoin Jr. All Rights Reserved. LEGAL: This original work is copyright protected and may only be reposted, reproduced, or redistributed in its entirety including title, author, content, and copyright information. Any other use or reproduction in full or in part must be pre-approved and authorized in writing by the copyright holder, Steven Beaudoin Jr. -
It’s always such a blessing to know that there are people who appreciate your efforts. So I consider your kind words of support a gift to me. Thank you.
To be clear, I am a professional Life Coach, but I have never been a "Counselor". Counseling is a very noble and necessary profession that should be left to the certified professionals. I have no formal training that qualifies me as a counselor and I am certain to make sure that the people I “coach” know the difference in no uncertain terms.
Truthfully, your question about “how I [got] started?” is actually quite difficult to answer. I honestly don’t feel like I’ve ever NOT done what I do. I can recall household unrest from my earliest childhood memories and I can also recall trying to find the words during those episodes to stop my Mama from crying, cheer up, and stay positive. In that way, I've been an encourager, problem solver, motivator, and coach for as long as I can remember. The seeds were planted then and there, so I recognize and appreciate them for exactly what they were. Who I am now is a self fulfilling revelation in many ways and it is something with which I have not always been comfortable.
My built in knack to coach, console, guide, and teach became more evident throughout my youth and into my adult life. I’ve always either been drafted or drawn into roles that required me to speak on behalf of others and/or coach/mentor/train them in various capacities.
The writing and speaking you mentioned are really just a function of my problem solving skills and not a part of some grand plan. :)) Different people learn and process information in different ways. So I’ve simply tried to find new ways to communicate what I feel I’ve been given to share. Books, CDs, speaking, blogs, facebook, twitter, etc… I don’t feel in any way defined or confined by any of those different avenues because the message is unchanged. It is the medium which is altered to reach different audiences so I don't really consider myself to be an "Author" so much as a person that writes. The same can be said for "Speaker"; I'm just a person who speaks. The real distinctions in my mind are vocation and intention. Neither of which I can or desire to associate with writing and speaking.
I said all that to say I really don’t know of any particular starting point. I just do what I feel most passionate about doing… helping, educating, liberating, and sharing with people. That’s who I am. And I would also venture so far as to say that is who I’ve always been, because that is who I was created to be. No real start point to identify.
So if you have a passion fam pursue it. Be patient and make sure WHAT you do never dictates or dominates WHO you are. And if you are humble enough to add faith, stewardship, and accountability to what you do, ALL the rest of that stuff you asked about “Counseling, writing, speaking, entrepreneurship” will take care of itself.
I hope that answers your question fam. Thanks for asking... and thanks again for the encouragement. -
Well sis, I can clearly hear your frustration. I can also hear that even though you say you “don’t even want a man.” That doesn’t sound like what you really feel in your heart. Thank you for trusting me with this question because it seems to really be causing some problems for you.
So let’s get to it… First, I don’t have much information here on you, how you carry yourself, or your outlook on relationships. But I will tell you this ALL of those things dictate how you present yourself to the world. And how you present yourself has everything to do with what type of person approaches you most often.
You say that ONLY married men approach you and that actually tells me a great deal. It tells me that you are closed off and you are unapproachable or at least emotionally unavailable. I can take this great leap in logic because you gave me the telltale sign… “married men.”
Sis most married men who are ‘on the prowl” are emotionally unavailable. So when they are looking for potential hook ups they are looking specifically for women who present themselves as emotionally unavailable. They don’t want anything serious; they can’t afford to get hooked up with a woman who is prone to get emotionally attached. So they seek out the women who are closed off and present themselves as not needing a man, not wanting a man, and not available for any kind of emotional attachment.
It’s a sad state of affairs, but yes the way we present ourselves physically, conversationally, and emotionally has a huge impact on the type of person that will feel comfortable approaching/engaging us. That doesn’t mean you have to be a loose woman. It just means that you have to make sure your life exudes integrity. And when I say integrity I don’t mean veracity, I just mean that your mentality, emotional posture, and actions line up 100% with your heart’s truest intentions.
If you really do want a man, don’t be afraid to let your mind, your face, your smile, and your attitude reflect that desire. I know it’s tough to trust, but here’s the catch, we usually attract exactly what we expect. True sometimes we get crap we never hoped, wished, or deserved. But most often we attract the very vibes we send out. It’s like a radio beacon. Certain types of men are tuned into certain types of vibes. Emotionally and psychologically unavailable women will most often attract emotionally and psychologically unavailable men.
Sis, you asked “why”? And I’ve seen this time and again… But without the benefit of any other information I can’t presume to know anything about you specifically so I’m only sharing my experience working with others who have shared your complaint. I hope that helps sis. Thanks again for trusting me.
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To read my books on Motivation/Inspiration and Relationships Or to hear my motivational/inspirational CDs please visit: http://www.BoSpeaks.com/
=========================
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Steven “Bo” Beaudoin Jr.
Husband, Father, Friend, Mentor, Author, Speaker, Trainer, Professional Life/Relationship Coach, Entrepreneur, and Philanthropist. He is a champion of Christ centered clarity, motivation, and focus.
2M Communications ©2011 Copyright, Steven Beaudoin Jr. All Rights Reserved. LEGAL: This original work is copyright protected and may only be reposted, reproduced, or redistributed in its entirety including title, author, content, and copyright information. Any other use or reproduction in full or in part must be pre-approved and authorized in writing by the copyright holder, Steven Beaudoin Jr. -
Any conversation that focuses on one gender or the other is misguided when it comes to identifying and addressing the ills and/or inequities of society and cultural decay. The relationship, condition, and destiny of men and women are inextricably tied together. This is about more than balance and equality it is about spiritual, emotional, and psychological harmony and interdependence.
This article meanders around the core concepts of religion and marriage without referring to the Biblical paradigms established as the DNA of these institutions. The man is the head of the household. As the man goes so goes the family unit. It really doesn't matter how well the woman is doing...she's not the head of the household in the Biblical sense.
So statistics about how well women are "replacing men" is tragically misguided and materialistic. Women can replace a man's income, but never the role of the man from a Biblical sense. So women replacing men in earning and income are only relevant in this way... the more women believe they don't need a man the more the fabric of marriage deteriorates. Men are hunter/gatherers and protectors... What is there for a man to do if there is no need for providing or protecting? A dilemma indeed.
The article also compares figures from the 60's and 70's to numbers from 2011. This is laughable in that it is impossible to have the men of the '60s come back as long as the women of the today are still here. A '60s man want's a 60's woman. A 70's man has a specific set of values, expectations, and preconceived notions about marriage, work, the home, his wife, and religion. He will only want a woman who shares those notions and values.
The men of yesterday are gone because the women of yesterday are gone and vice versa. The men and women of yesterday were well suited for each other. They fit into the space provided by each other's lifestyles, values, and choices. The men and women of today are no different. The men and women of today are also a function of each other's lifestyles, values, and choices. The two cannot be separated.
It's like this... the family unit is a sheet of paper with one pen and only one person can write at a time. If the man writes, he leads and the woman takes the less statistically appreciated role. If the woman writes, she leads and the man takes the less statistically appreciated role. The problem is that generally there is no where for the man to go and nothing for him to do if the woman takes the role as head of household. So pick your paradigm and there will be plenty of statistics to tell you why one gender is falling behind the other based on who's taken the lead in providing for the family. This symbiotic relationship is not by coincidence. There can't be two heads of the household. Only one can be the "head" and that one will always be favored by the statistics.
So ultimately, men aren't in any more trouble than women are... we are inseparable; we share the same fate. This is not an either or conversation. If men are in trouble so are women, so is marriage and so is the very fabric of society and religion. I personally believe this is a crisis of faith. I believe we have lost faith in God's model and have decided to dream up our own "arrangements". This lack of faith in God's design has led us here and it is only a return to those core values that will right this ship. For men AND women. Just is what it is.
We are ALL in trouble because we are foolish enough to think the we can throw away God's design for marriage and the household, but still reap the benefits; I believe the statistics are proving that we can't.
Thanks for the question fam, that's my two cents.
==========================
To read my books on Motivation/Inspiration and Relationships Or to hear my motivational/inspirational CDs please visit: http://www.BoSpeaks.com/
=========================
http://about.me/BoSpeaks
Steven “Bo” Beaudoin Jr.
Husband, Father, Friend, Mentor, Author, Speaker, Trainer, Professional Life/Relationship Coach, Entrepreneur, and Philanthropist. He is a champion of Christ centered clarity, motivation, and focus.
2M Communications ©2011 Copyright, Steven Beaudoin Jr. All Rights Reserved. LEGAL: This original work is copyright protected and may only be reposted, reproduced, or redistributed in its entirety including title, author, content, and copyright information. Any other use or reproduction in full or in part must be pre-approved and authorized in writing by the copyright holder, Steven Beaudoin Jr. -
Yes Sis, unfortunately for quite a few people height and weight are a really BIG deal. :-) No pun intended. People are shallow and all too concerned with what other people might “think” about them and the person who is the object of their affection. The average person is simple minded and quick to point out flaws and quirks with others in an attempt to mask their own insecurities and low self worth.
But the conversation of insecurities and self worth brings us to the other more positive side of the conversation. Honestly, it really doesn’t matter if height and weight are a big deal to everyone else in the world. As long as you and the person you love are happy with what you see when you look at each other what other opinions, hang-ups, and issues matter?
To some of the men you meet height and weight will be a big deal. So… You’re not trying to spend your life with all of them, just one of them. And that’s all it takes… just one. Just one that you can see eye to eye with no matter how tall or short he may be. Just one that sees more than the woman standing before him but also sees the woman standing with him. Just one sis… Just one man taller or shorter, thinner or thicker, doesn’t matter. All the rest of them can take their lil superficial tails straight to hel… (got carried away, sorry.)
Look, Sis if you FEEL sexy. You ARE sexy. And sexy is attractive to EVERYONE. Sexy isn’t just about what you wear or what you look like. Sexy is about that air of confidence, openness, and approachability that makes each of us so much more attractive than people with low self esteem, insecurities, and other image issues. Just make sure you are the best you, you can be and the height/weight conversation will begin to fade to the back. This is about health and happiness NOT height and weight don’t be distracted sis. If you are happy and healthy you are the perfect height and weight.
Look sis, your height and weight will always be a non issue when you establish that your confidence is taller than you and your joy for life outweighs you. Let all the rest of those folks run around chasing these tiny lil stick women. Yes, men are automatically attracted to certain body types, but it’s the soul of a woman that captures a man’s heart NOT her dress size, shoe size, or figure. Believe me sis, there are men in your life right now that see you as beautiful and incredible… so just be that. tall, healthy, beautiful, and incredible.
Hope that helps sis. Thanks for trusting me with your question.
==========================
To read my books on Motivation/Inspiration and Relationships Or to hear my motivational/inspirational CDs please visit: http://www.BoSpeaks.com/
=========================
http://about.me/BoSpeaks
Steven “Bo” Beaudoin Jr.
Husband, Father, Friend, Mentor, Author, Speaker, Trainer, Professional Life/Relationship Coach, Entrepreneur, and Philanthropist. He is a champion of Christ centered clarity, motivation, and focus. -
asked by CARONISM
Caron! Good to hear from you sis. Thanks for trusting me with your question.
The first that comes to mind is that if you don't want to be viewed as "pouncing or seeming aggressive” then don’t be. You said in your question that he’s “easy to talk to” which implies that you have spoken to him on more than one occasion. I would say explore way to expand the conversation around whatever venue, forum, or activity that has already caused you two to cross paths. Whatever you have in common already is the best way to take it up a notch without seeming too aggressive.
Ask questions, ask for assistance, ask for advice, suggest coffee or lunch to discuss something he may be able to assist with, collaborate on, or give advice about… it’s OK for a woman to make such suggestions when there is a legitimate association already established, even if only in passing. Where some women get in trouble is “dictating” and “demanding” things go a certain way at a particular time. Most men think casual “suggestions” show confidence and availability…
Just be sure of two things. #1, you really do have something to talk about. Information, advice, collaboration, etc… You need something to carry the first couple of conversations. #2, you have no expectations of his availability or desire to pursue the association beyond the questions/advice for which you’ve asked. Any unfounded “expectations” are a definite turn off that puts too much pressure on the man to reciprocate your intentions. Too early for that.
If there’s a real connection it will become evident in your conversations. Let things take their course naturally. If there’s something there you will both get a sense of that and more reasons to meet/talk/discuss/and get to know each other will ensue.
Hope that helps sis. -
Sure everything does happen for a reason, I believe that. I just don’t believe that all those reasons are good ones. Some folks are in your life just to drain you and distract you from what you should be doing. Let people disqualify themselves…don’t fight to give space in your life to people who don’t respect or appreciate it. Maybe what they came to you to learn was some manners and common courtesy, lol.
Seriously, don’t let your kindness, or more specifically your desire to be viewed as kind, force you into accepting less than you know you deserve. People who allow themselves to be disrespected in the name of kindness and compassion are usually masking low self esteem issues and/or an inordinate need to “feel” needed.
The Bible teaches us not to cast our pearls amongst the swine lest they be trampled underfoot… Doesn’t sound like you have a tough decision at all from my vantage point. Hope that helps fam.
Thanks for asking the question.
Bo
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To read my books on Motivation/Inspiration and Relationships Or to hear my motivational/inspirational CDs please visit: http://www.BoSpeaks.com/
=========================
Steven “Bo” Beaudoin Jr.
Husband, Father, Friend, Mentor, Author, Speaker, Trainer, Professional Life/Relationship Coach, Entrepreneur, and Philanthropist. He is a champion of Christ centered clarity, motivation, and focus.
http://about.me/BoSpeaks -
Without actually being a part of the conversation there is no way for me to tell whether this is a case of a "woman's ego". But I am a part of this conversation and I hear all sorts of “stuff” in your question. The very first thing I notice is that this is not a question about you or how you might improve as a man. The question you asked was about the women, which indirectly implies two things. #1, you believe you are already just fine like you are. And #2, obviously there is something wrong with women that most people appear to be remiss to discuss. :)
First, do women have egos? Of course they do. But that fact is neither good nor bad…just fact. The “ego” is one component of every human psyche, as defined by Sigmund Freud’s structural model. A man or woman having an ego is not a problem unless they are dealing with someone who is dominated by their own more critical and judgmental “super-ego” or their instinctual “id”. Whuh? Lol. I know that’s confusing for some, so let me explain.
We know that both women AND men have egos, right? Well an “ego” is not a disease, it’s a part of our natural psychological anatomy just like a brain is a part of our physical anatomy. So the ego is NOT a problem. The problems arise when two or more people are not operating, functioning, and communicating on (or from) the same level. So how is all this related to your question? Glad you asked.
The construction and content of your question give very strong clues that you are operating from a very critical and judgmental place, even if justified. But that place is defined as the super-ego. Your clues about the women you’ve dated indicate that some of them may be operating from a more organized and systematic but less judgmental level. I say this because it is only when facts, logic, and/or reason prevails, that a person can expect to ever “win” a discussion.
So ultimately this is not just about their egos, but ALSO about yours. The facts are that you’ve had the same problem on multiple occasions with multiple different women… The women change, the situations change, the discussions change… but you get the same results. The judgmental “super-ego” would overlook these facts as irrelevant or inconsequential, but someone operating from a more rational, logical, and reasonable “ego” would consider the facts seriously. You are the ONLY common denominator in all of your relationships. So maybe you should focus less on what’s wrong with the women you’ve dated and spend more time focusing on what just might be wrong with the man they were dating. Hope that helps sir.
Thanks for asking the question.
Bo
==========================
To read my books on Motivation/Inspiration and Relationships Or to hear my motivational/inspirational CDs
visit: http://www.BoSpeaks.com/
=========================
Steven “Bo” Beaudoin Jr.
Husband, Father, Friend, Mentor, Author, Speaker, Trainer, Professional Life/Relationship Coach, Entrepreneur, and Philanthropist. He is a champion of Christ centered clarity, motivation, and focus.
http://www.facebook.com/BoSpeaks
2M Communications ©2011 Copyright, Steven Beaudoin Jr. All Rights Reserved. LEGAL: This original work is copyright protected and may only be reposted, reproduced, or redistributed in its entirety including title, author, content, and copyright information. Any other use or reproduction in full or in part must be pre-approved and authorized in writing by the copyright holder, Steven Beaudoin Jr. -
And the answers are Yes. No. Yes. God.
The most widely accepted views on "injustice" are rooted in very self centered and temporal perspectives that do not consider the spiritual after life. If someone believes this world is all there is then, for a great many, justice will elude them. If truly "you’re dead and you’re done" then an “eye for an eye” is the only brand of justice that matters. However, for those who believe in an omnipotent, omnipresent, and omniscient God the specter of the afterlife in Heaven is the great equalizer that tips every scale in favor of eternal justice...even if earthly justice is out of reach.
So in some ways this question is a bit of an oxymoron. If God is real? Then Heaven is real. And if Heaven is real? Then the afterlife is real. And if the afterlife is real? Then the judgment and justice of that same God in Heaven prevails.
So #1,Yes. God is a just God, but that’s not all God is. #2, No. We are not “entitled” to justice and I’m glad we’re not…we’d already be dead and burning in Hell for what we’ve done. #3, Yes, if Heaven is real then "true justice" is simply a matter of perspective. An earthly perspective tips the scales toward injustice. But an eternal perspective tips them back permanently. #4, God. Like Job, how dare we have the audacity to confine God to our tiny little mentally, emotionally, and spiritually underdeveloped box? We can’t even understand the things of this World, so how much less do we understand the God of all creation?
Job asked very similar questions and in a much less subordinate way...when he found himself stricken and experiencing what was perceived as some sort of “injustice” But God being just AND even more compassionate answered Job. Job is one of my top 2 favorite books in the Bible because of the way God patiently listened to all of Job’s griping, complaining, and questioning before setting him straight and putting Job and anyone with similar concerns/questions about God in their tiny, little, insignificant place for the rest of eternity; it did for me. Lol, I love that book. Anyone who is dealing with these questions should really check it out.
Thanks for asking this question, I hope this helps fam.
==========================
To read my books or hear my motivational CDs
visit: http://www.BoSpeaks.com/
=========================
Steven “Bo” Beaudoin Jr. Husband, Father, Friend, Mentor, Author, Speaker, Trainer, Professional Life/Relationship Coach, Entrepreneur, and Philanthropist. He is a champion of Christ centered clarity, motivation, and focus.
http://www.facebook.com/BoSpeaks
2M Communications ©2011 Copyright, Steven Beaudoin Jr. All Rights Reserved. LEGAL: This original work is copyright protected and may only be reposted, reproduced, or redistributed in its entirety including title, author, content, and copyright information. Any other use or reproduction in full or in part must be pre-approved and authorized in writing by the copyright holder, Steven Beaudoin Jr. -
I have a couple of things I want to say. First I will, without hesitation, pray for you to find a place where you and your family can grow and get stronger in your faith. Second, as far as church homes go, unfortunately “happily ever after” just doesn’t exist because it really isn't God's design. In short, churches are simply imperfect and only partially functional in scope. Please allow me to explain…
Churches, as we know them, are organizations founded, run, operated, and attended by imperfect people; this is nothing new. Everyone, and I do mean everyone is less than perfect. No, not even the Pastors are perfect. We have all fallen and will fall again as long as we keep living… “Saved, sanctified, and filled with the Holy Ghost” does not automatically imply perfect, right, responsible, or even friendly for that matter... it just means forgiven and it would serve you well to keep that in mind while looking for the “perfect” place to go.
For added perspective, just read some of the Apostle Paul's letters to the early churches in the New Testament. On one hand it's good to know they were just as messed up back then as we are now. But on the other hand it also underscores the fact that no church is perfect and everywhere you go there will be something that doesn't quite line up with the whole of scripture. But I personally believe that’s part of the journey and part of God’s divine design. Isn’t that why we go to church in the first place? To learn how to be more like Christ, even though we never fully obtaining perfection?
Now, don’t get me wrong, there are certain things that simply cannot/should not be ignored under any circumstance. But there are also endless numbers of disputable matters in the Bible, in the Faith, and in the church that keep members, congregations, denominations, and Pastors/Leaders at odds. Ultimately, faith and, to a large degree, Christianity, remain an ever unraveling mystery to everyone who is earnestly and truly involved. The only thing we can or at least should all agree on is that everyone is imperfect and everyone is most certainly wrong about something. (unless we're talking about you... because we know you’re right about everything. Lol j/k fam.)
Look sir, my point is this… everywhere you go imperfect people and contradictory, if not out and out flawed Theology, are waiting. If this move is truly about a dispute in theology and/or doctrine feel free to move… But be prepared to be confronted with some other challenges in this area no matter where you go. Again, I strongly recommend you read the Apostle Paul's admonitions to the early churches concerning the disputes over what was right and what was wrong in the church. It will help you a lot.
On the other hand, if you feel you are moving because God is telling you to move and just because you have some disagreement thane that’s an entirely different conversation. In my mind’s eye, churches are like schools. Some are Elementary Schools, some Middle Schools, some High Schools, and still other are like Colleges and Universities for Christians. So, just because you outgrow the teachings and realize it's time to graduate from one school to the next, it doesn't mean there's something wrong with the first school. That school got you to this point, it served its God ordained purpose in your life at that time and now it's simply time to graduate. I just don’t believe it's God's design that people become permanently attached to churches and Pastors.
The DNA of the church is to equip and then commission. If you are to continue to grow in the Lord at the rate He desires for you to grow, you'll continue to graduate from each church you ever attend. There's nothing wrong with that. God wants us to continue pursuing Him to higher and higher levels of knowledge and intimacy… We simply can’t and won’t do that if we allow ourselves to be seduced by comfort, routine, status, and/or familiarity. We must be ready to go when God says go. God wants us attached to Him and not some place, position, or Pastor at a local church or within a specific congregations.
Look there’s nothing wrong with loving your church and loving your Pastor. Thank and praise God for them both… But when the Lord says move you need to make sure there aren’t any unholy allegiances that would prevent you from being obedient. Many Christians are prisoners of their own unhealthy alliances and interdependencies to a specific pastor or congregation. God can't use them the way He wants because they refuse to move when He says move. Imagine a 30 y/o still in Elementary school simply because they like the Principal or their art Teacher so much they feel obligated to stay. Love the Teacher, appreciate the teacher, thank the teacher... then graduate.
Hope that helps sir.
==========================
To read my book or hear my motivational CDs
visit: http://www.BoSpeaks.com/
=========================
Steven “Bo” Beaudoin Jr. Husband, Father, Friend, Mentor, Author, Speaker, Trainer, Professional Life/Relationship Coach, Entrepreneur, and Philanthropist.
a champion of Christ centered clarity, motivation, and focus.
http://www.facebook.com/Bo.Beaudoin
==========================
2M Communications ©2011 Copyright, Steven Beaudoin Jr. All Rights Reserved. LEGAL: This original work is copyright protected and may only be reposted or redistributed in its entirety including title, author, content, and copyright information. Any other use or reproduction in full or in part must be pre-approved and authorized in writing by the copyright holder, Steven Beaudoin Jr. -
um... Ok, I appreciate what I'm fairly certain you meant as a compliment and which I am accepting as such.. It really means a lot to me that you have some level of respect for what I do... But I must say this rather forward assertion really underscores some issues I have with the way we "do" church.
By you proposing that I am "a Pastor and I just don't know" it presumes a great deal. I would guess you have been around long enough to have developed some secondary knowledge of what I do online and have made you assessment from that... If so, I don't know how you could possibly assume I have anything at all against the title, the office, or the people who have accepted the call to Pastor a church. I think a better question might be what makes you so sure I am a Pastor? My gifts? If so that confuses me...
What are gifts that they are automatically assumed to identify calling? A “gift” is NOT a calling. Many are “gifted”, talented, and charismatic leaders, speakers, and teachers. That does not mean that they should presume to be counted as so. (James 3:1) My point is this, and I've said this before, charisma ensures neither content nor character. That simply can not and must not be our primary barometer for establishing leadership.
For example: how do we separate what one might call a "learned skill" from what we might consider a "spiritual gift"? What is to be said of God’s timing, preparation, and patience? Further, who said a “calling” was automatically INTO a title or role? John the Baptist was called right? Called to what? He was called out to the “wilderness”, not into the synagogues. What if there are those who may actually be called away? Is their calling any less credible?
I just find it disturbing how readily people assume that just because you are good at something you must be "called" to do it. I believe this is how many well intended men and women of God get swept up in the currents of charisma and assume roles they have neither the character nor wisdom to execute and sustain. What if David, once he knew he was to be King, had immediately deserted his herd of sheep on the back side of the mountain and rushed down to take his throne? He would have been slaughtered… Much like many of our gifted but woefully prepared Pastors and church leaders are being slaughtered by their own unresolved issues and spiritual immaturity today.
I would think we would all be far less anxious to anoint or declare someone any role or title and much less ready to bestow a title upon ourselves. What purpose does it serve if the presence and power of the Lord are already present? I say seek the Lord and not leaders. Seek God and recognize that God is God enough to use anyone at any time as a guide, title or no. God’s choice to speak through a donkey did not make the donkey a Pastor, Preacher, Apostle, Bishop, or anything else… the donkey was still a donkey.
We need to get this straight: God’s presence, power, and provision are invoked by the “seeker” and NOT the “speaker”. You have the power fam… ever since that curtain in the inner most holy of holy’s was torn down… you have the authority and responsibility to BE the power and love of God wherever you are and with whomever you wish. I promise you, you don’t need a title for that.
5000 people in a church… and only 1 Pastor among them? We need to stop engendering this spectator sport mentality. We need to stop creating Christians who feel powerless without recognition and/or approval from the elite in the Body. I believe this is why so few Christians really study and understand the Bible. They’ve been convinced that’s only for Preachers, Teachers, Pastors etc…
Ultimately, we are all called to pastor, even if everyone is not to be “Pastors”. And in that way I am called to be a pastor, just as much as you and every other Christian is called. Just study to be ready and be available to God to do God's work wherever you might be. The only title that really matters is “Good and Faithful Servant.”
Thanks for listening. I hope that answered your question. -
Hey sis, please forgive me for the delayed response. So let’s get right to it… Yes, it is reasonable to expect that your husband will be your best friend… at some point, but sis it rarely starts out that way. But the good news is that it is a part of the promise that is built into the chemistry of a marriage submitted to God. If the two of you are both fully committed/submitted to God’s model for marriage then that “oneness” definitely includes becoming best friends. That part of your comment is entirely reasonable, the other parts however…
Sis, if you don’t plan to marry someone you already know then how do you get to know new people if you won’t take the time to get to know them? I’m confused by this line of thought in your comment… You said yourself you want to be friends “first”, right? I would assume that would mean you need to be open to making new friends before even considering for a moment whether or not they are husband material… and based on the premise of this question it is also safe to say you’ll need to make some new male friends, even if they are of the dreaded “opposite sex”. Lol, j/k sis. ;-)
Now that all brings us to the part of your question about boundaries, standards, invitations, and sharing your phone #. These were the other questions from your comment:
1. How do I go about even establishing healthy, pure friendships with the opposite sex?
2. What boundaries do I establish?
3. What should my standards be if I desire both a friendship and ultimately a marriage that honors God?
Questions 1, 2, and 3 can all be answered together… My answer? Relax. Don’t assume every man you meet is potentially your husband. Which means if we are really just talking about “friendships” and not dating “exclusively” you can ditch the marriage “standards” for now, it just doesn’t belong in friendships. It puts too much pressure on them, too much pressure on you, and most likely makes you come across as desperate.
Women think they are slick and can hide their eagerness in this area… NOT. Men can feel the heat and if it is detected early in a “friendship” the woman comes across as a wedding hunter looking for any man that might fit the bill as opposed to a Queen awaiting a King. Don’t be that lady. I did say relax right? Well if I didn’t… Relax. You need to take this unnecessary pressure off of your friendships. Be yourself. Understand that 99 out of 100 men won’t be husband material and 90 out of 100 of them won’t even be good friend material.
This is one reason why so many women get tired of "looking"… they waste so much time and energy trying to qualify/disqualify every man they meet. Take your time and men will qualify/disqualify themselves.
Also, to establish healthy pure relationships it requires two people who actually both have that same intention. At this point sis, a pure, healthy friendship doesn’t sound like your truest intention so you can’t establish pure relationships until you change your motivation for wanting male friends. Until you are really just looking for a “friend” you probably won’t find one. The old adage holds true to have a friend you must first show yourself to be a friend. If you want men who are “just friends” you have to make sure that’s how you are viewing/approaching the relationship from day 1, as “just friends”. If there’s even the slightest hint of something else in the back of your mind, then a pure friendship is not what you are after.
As for boundaries? Boundaries are a function of each unique relationship combination, as well as the maturity of that specific relationship. Boundaries are very personal. And in most cases they are ultimately a matter of each person’s own moral code, comfort level, and belief systems. But to simplify matters, just use this barometer… if it makes you uncomfortable in anyway, that’s too far. I say that because the boundary for one friend may be entirely different for the boundary you set for a different friend. Set your boundaries in each relationship specifically for what you are comfortable with in that relationship, with that person, at that time.
4. Should you accept invitations out? Absolutely… assuming again you are comfortable with the person, place, time, and intent in each situation. Again, how will you get to know this new “friend” you’re looking for if you don’t spend some time with some new people?
5. Should you give men your number? Only the ones you are comfortable with. Maybe, if you have real concerns in this area, you should get yourself a pre-paid phone for $30 or $40 /mo and give that number out instead of your primary #.
Bottom line here in all of this sis is you need to be clear and sure about what you are looking for… If you really want new male friends, you’ll have to figure out how to actually be friendly. NOT flirty. NOT needy. NOT desperate… Just friendly. The best way to do that is to figure out what your passions are in life and get busy doing those things. Most healthy friendships are born out of mutual interests and experiences. Painting, biking, music, community service, community theatre, cooking, etc… find what you love to do and get active in it. There will be men there that love the same things and making new friends won’t be so stressful.
I hope that helps sis. -
Hey sis, thank you for trusting me with this question. The Tithe is a huge issue that many people struggle with for any number of reasons. And one of the things I hear quite often is the question you’ve posed about where our Tithes should go. To our home church? A church we are visiting? Or to TV ministers that might be teaching/feeding us remotely?
I have many, many thoughts in this area as a result of my own study over the years… But I’ll limit this conversation to your specific question about whether it’s OK to send Tithes to Joyce Meyer or anywhere other than your “home” church. In short, yes it is perfectly OK, ‘in principle’, to send your Tithes wherever you feel they will do the most to accomplish the purpose of the Tithe.
Ultimately, we should be much, much, more concerned with ‘what is done’ with our Tithes than ‘where’ it is sent anyway. The Tithe was meant to feed, clothe, and care for the orphans, widows, homeless, and people in great need… With a 1/10th of that going to the Levites because they had no inheritance. So better questions might be what is going to happen to your Tithes once it has been submitted. And because our accountability does not stop with paying the Tithe it is best that we submit our Tithes in the place that we are confident it will be best utilized in the way it was intended in scripture.
Unfortunately, the “church” has historically done a terrible job of teaching the true intent and principle of the Tithe for very self-serving reasons. The Tithe is the church’s primary source of income so the teachings in this area become a function of self preservation and not the liberation that was intended in scripture. All anyone has to do is study Deuteronomy Ch 14 to understand the true purpose and intent of the Tithe. Many churches skip over teaching this chapter for fear of the liberation it might spark. Read it for yourself sis and you’ll get a much better understanding of what God might require of you in this instance.
Note that I did say, yes, “in principle” you are free to send your Tithes wherever the work of God is being accomplished… What I mean by that is, you still have the matter of your own convictions to be concerned with. That means that if you feel it is a sin or it is wrong to send your Tithes anywhere other than your home church than I would advise against you doing so. You have to search your own heart and if God has granted you liberty in this area through your own study and understanding then you are free to do as you’re led. Some will dispute that because they want/need the current practice of the local Tithe to support their ministries… I don’t.
Do your own study sis… It’s all in God’s Word. You don’t have to take anyone’s word for it including mine. Study and pray over what you find in scripture and whatever you settle in your heart to do about administering your Tithes is what you should do. God will bless your heart to give and your obedience… neither of which will be revoked based on the name or address you choose to put on your check. I really hope that helps sis.
==========================
To read my book or hear my motivational CDs
visit: http://www.BoSpeaks.com/
=========================
Steven “Bo” Beaudoin Jr. Husband, Father, Friend, Mentor, Author, Speaker, Trainer, Professional Life/Relationship Coach, Entrepreneur, and Philanthropist.
a champion of Christ centered clarity, motivation, and focus.
http://www.facebook.com/Bo.Beaudoin
==========================
2M Communications ©2011 Copyright, Steven Beaudoin Jr. All Rights Reserved. LEGAL: This original work is copyright protected and may only be reposted or redistributed in its entirety including title, author, content, and copyright information. Any other use or reproduction in full or in part must be pre-approved and authorized in writing by the copyright holder, Steven Beaudoin Jr. -
My thoughts on this subject are broad and varied because there are literally hundreds of possible variables and circumstances. Let’s talk family situation, parental income and net worth, family tradition, education, location, situation, duration, ambition, work history, financial responsibility, financial accountability, children, grand children, health, disability, employability,… the list just goes on and on. There’s just no one-size-fits-all in this case.
Now on to your second question, “Have we gotten away from the interdependent extended family where resources are pooled?” Absolutely, we have and there are a number of reasons not the least of which are education, location, and vocation. Historically, our families were deeply rooted in highly condensed areas of extended family members. Further, we were much more of an agrarian society than we are now and “helping out” often meant sharing food grown in our own yards or some sort of manual labor. Both of which were immediately recognizable and appreciated by both the giver and the receiver.
As we moved away and took on jobs in big cities we lost the benefits of sweat equity and the only thing people want now is money. Before, we always had another gallon of sweat we could donate. But we don’t have an endless supply of money. Further, complicating the issues are the feelings of separation and isolation that come with moving to far flung reaches of the country… only to call home when someone is in trouble or needs money.
So yes, we have most definitely gone away from pooling resources, because the only “resource” people seem to care about now is money… and money doesn’t “pool” nearly as well as sweat equity.
==========================
To read my book or hear my motivational CDs
visit: http://www.BoSpeaks.com/
=========================
Steven “Bo” Beaudoin Jr. Author, Speaker, Trainer, Entrepreneur, and Philanthropist.
a champion of Christ centered clarity, motivation, and focus.
http://www.facebook.com/Bo.Beaudoin
==========================
2M Communications ©2011 Copyright, Steven Beaudoin Jr. All Rights Reserved. LEGAL: This original work is copyright protected and may only be reposted or redistributed in its entirety including title, author, content, and copyright information. Any other use or reproduction in full or in part must be pre-approved and authorized in writing by the copyright holder, Steven Beaudoin Jr. -
Hey doc, first let me congratulate you and encourage you. You have graduated college… that alone is to be commended. Far too many young men get caught up in all sorts of foolery on their way to where you are now. Congratulations! And although you believe your parents were unable to “set more of a foundation” for you I would beg to differ. I can tell a few things about you just from this post.
First… you chose to ask me your question. Which means you are at least open to what you must surely know is my Faith based perspective on everything. I would venture so far as to say that you must at least appreciate and respect my Biblical perspective. And to me sir… that’s the ONLY foundation that really matters. I bet your parents had something to do with that. And besides, what’s in a man’s pockets can’t compare on any level to what’s in his heart. And any woman that doesn’t know that, isn’t woman enough to call your wife anyway. Look at it this way, your situation is actually protecting you from the wolves and gold diggers.
So the fact that you don’t have any money right now is actually to your advantage. As hard as this may be to believe, you’d much rather find a woman now who can see you with spiritual eyes rather than financial ones. You obviously have aspirations and will one day handle this money issue… I pray that you have met and married your wife before then, because once you have money it is almost impossible to decipher a woman’s true intentions. And any woman who is worthy of your money is willing to live without it just to be with you. Let those women ready to ovulate on financial portfolios say what they will, you are blessed my friend.
So, my recommendation is that you first change your definition of “foundation.” I would say the foundation you really need to be working on is that of a man of God and a husband. Prepare your heart and prepare your life as much as you can for a woman who is woman enough to truly see you for who you are. She’s a different kind of woman so she’ll be looking for a much different kind of “foundation.” She’ll be looking to follow a man that is looking to follow God. That’s the foundation you’ll need.
The Bible tells us that if we seek the Kingdom of God and his righteousness first all that other stuff will be added to us… It’s true bruh. It worked for me… and I was fortunate enough to find my wife when I was broke just like you. All I had was a heart for God, a strong work ethic, and incredible potential… She could see that. And that’s enough for any woman worthy to be called your wife for the rest of your life. Hope that helps my friend.
==========================
To read my book or hear my motivational CDs
visit: http://www.BoSpeaks.com/
=========================
Steven "Bo" Beaudoin Jr. Author, Speaker, Trainer, Entrepreneur, and Philanthropist.
a champion of Christ centered clarity, motivation, and focus.
http://www.facebook.com/Bo.Beaudoin
==========================
2M Communications ©2011 Copyright, Steven Beaudoin Jr. All Rights Reserved. LEGAL: This original work is copyright protected and may only be reposted or redistributed in its entirety including title, author, content, and copyright information. Any other use or reproduction in full or in part must be pre-approved and authorized in writing by the copyright holder, Steven Beaudoin Jr. -
Honestly, there’s no way for me or anyone else to answer that question for you… You are obviously 9 mos into a relationship that you feel strongly enough about to have agreed to relocate together. And by “relocating” I assume that means you'll be getting a place together and going half on the bills? If that’s true sis you’ve obviously already made some very major decisions about who you are, what you want, and what you are willing to risk. And that's really what this question is about, Risk vs. Reward. And no one can possibly know how much risk you're comfortable with but you.
However, the fact that you’re asking me how long you should wait implies that you are already getting a little nervous about the arrangement. I would think that is a strong indicator of how you really feel in your heart about the level of risk to which you are currently exposing yourself. Asking this question clearly indicates that you are trying to figure out how much risk is reasonable... But sis this isn't a question of reasonable it is a question of comfortable.
Bottom line here is that I would trust my instincts and play it safe. There is much about this situation that would make the average woman very uncomfortable. For example you seem to be skipping a step or two in the development of your relationship. Assuming you’ve been dating long distance for 9 mos, you really have no clue who this guy really is. It would seem to me a more logical next step would be for him to move to where you are and get his own place. No need to move in together… none at all, at least not right now. There's a whole entire stage of the relationship that is missing, but very critical to the development of your trust and respect for each other.
Please understand that all I can offer you at this point is my opinion. And unfortunately there are far too many missing variables in this equation for anyone other than you to come up with the answer for which you are looking. Based on the decisions you’ve already made you are clearly dancing to you own tune and can wait as long as you like... it's your song sis and no one else can possibly know what's going on in your head. But if you are uncomfortable for any reason give that your strongest consideration.
One last parting thought, as a general rule I recommend to everyone woman who aspires to be a wife that she shouldn't sign up to "act" like one until she is one. But that’s a personal choice and a matter of faith so no one can make that decision for you but you sis.
I know that’s not much to go on, but this really is a question you are going to have to answer for yourself. I hope this helped you in some small way. Thanks for trusting me with your question.
==========================
To read my book or hear my motivational CDs
visit: http://www.BoSpeaks.com/
=========================
Steven "Bo" Beaudoin Jr. Author, Speaker, Trainer, Entrepreneur, and Philanthropist.
a champion of Christ centered clarity, motivation, and focus.
http://www.facebook.com/Bo.Beaudoin
==========================
2M Communications ©2011 Copyright, Steven Beaudoin Jr. All Rights Reserved. LEGAL: This original work is copyright protected and may only be reposted or redistributed in its entirety including title, author, content, and copyright information. Any other use or reproduction in full or in part must be pre-approved and authorized in writing by the copyright holder, Steven Beaudoin Jr. -
Wow… That’s a VERY tough question. It’s tough because I try very hard to give people answers that are both Biblical and practical. And I think this may be the first question where I don’t see a combination is workable.
Let’s start by getting the obvious stuff out of the way. Since you used a couple of “church”phrases in your question I am assuming you are, at the very least, a person of faith. And I will also assume that you are concerned with how this situation is affecting your faith, relationship with God, and very possibly your salvation.
So with those assumptions we can establish that you desire to live your life according to the Biblical constructs that you have learned over the years. This means that you now know and/or believe that sex outside of marriage is a sin. And you are correct, for Biblically based Christians it is indeed a sin. So I would also assume you are asking me this question because you are experiencing some shame and guilt associated with actions you believe in your heart to be against God’s will for you.
If all of that is correct, then there are really only two directions to go. #1, continue doing what you are doing/want to do and continue to deal with ever increasing guilt and shame until you learn how to block it out or no longer feel/acknowledge it. But because you are asking for advice I believe it’s safe to say that is not what you want. Good… This path leads to separation from God and a hardened heart neither of which I believe you want.
So that brings us to direction #2, “grow” away from the things that make you feel guilty and shameful. I’m sure you already know this and have possibly tried and failed to walk away from “carnal knowledge” because the lure of sex is very strong… particularly when sex is used as a coping mechanism to deal with other issues. And this is where the rubber meets the road. Sis, most of the time when we can’t control our sexual desires it is because we either use or wrongly associate sex with something else like love, acceptance, companionship, or sheer physical/emotional/psychological enhancers (like a drug).
Often people, both men and women, who experience very serious difficulties sticking to their own resolve in this area are dealing with some of the ‘not so obvious’ issues I mentioned. There is a level of sexual desire that is natural and normal, then there is a level that causes us to do things we REALLY, REALLY don’t want to do just so we can have sex… that’s not natural and that’s a problem.
If you are just dealing with normal natural desires I would recommend a lot of prayer, fasting, Bible study, patience, and some new hobbies. You need to distract yourself while you are getting stronger in your knowledge and convictions. God can deliver you but there is no guarantee it will be immediate. And out of love for you it probably won’t be. God created sex so He knows how pleasurable it is for us. And how difficult it is to deal with once you have been married before… So in addition to growing in spiritual and Biblical strength/knowledge I would also recommend you acquire some sexual toys that do the trick for you.
But sis please hear me… This is a LAST resort and a very slippery slope, but it is one that is open to you. (I know I’ll catch grief for saying that from the Puritan crowd, but whatever, I care more about helping you than what people might think of me.) I’m sure they’ll bring up the lust issue, abstinence, purity etc.. And they have valid points, you should pray and strive for those things which are possible, but also very challenging and often riddled with falls and restarts. In the meantime, you are obviously looking for the least guilty and shameful way to deal with your sexual desires. I think this may be as close as we can get to dealing with this situation before you get married again. And I personally would rather someone not get married just for sex.
But to be clear, sis, if the level of desire you’re dealing with has caused or if you believe it will cause you to do some things that are out of character, unhealthy, unsafe, and/or humiliating then I believe a Licensed Professional Counselor (which I am not) may be of great help to you. Bottom line: you may need someone to help you determine if this is REALLY just about sex or if it is about something much deeper (i.e. Lonliness, emotional and/or mental dependencies, misplaced feelings of love and companionship, etc…).
If it’s just sex, although very difficult, it’s pretty straight forward. You need to grow stronger in your knowledge and convictions about sex outside of marriage to fight the “carnal knowledge” you mentioned. And I don’t care what folks tell you sis… it’s NOT just you. Read Romans Chapter 7 and you’ll see that you are definitely not alone in your struggle.
Sis I know I don’t have a clear cut answer for you, but I knew this would be difficult. All I know is that the Lord promises us that He will put no more on us than we can bear. Yours is a heavy load I do not ever wish to carry, so I dare not judge you. I just pray that you continue to seek the Lord’s Will in this and other areas of your life. My wife and I will say a prayer specifically for you sis… I hope something here was of some help to you. -
Yes… by the Biblical definition of “adultery” he did commit adultery.
However, at the time Abraham lived God had yet to establish any ground rules or models for marriage outside the Garden of Eden… Chronologically , the story of Abraham (Abram), Sarah (Saria), and Hagar occurs in the Book of Genesis. So this story is well before Moses and the 10 commandments so we know that the Law of Moses had not yet been established. But even so, once it was established it provided for men to have as many wives AND concubines as he could afford to marry. The more wives and concubines a man had the wealthier he was perceived to be...
And moreover the laws and customs of their culture made it lawful for a wife to offer her handmaiden to her husband for the explicit purposes of bearing children for the wife. Seems odd in our culture now… but for the Israelites a maidservant of a wife was seen as both property AND part of the wife…
So not only was Abraham not subject to the Law, even once it was written his actions would have still been legal, as was the case under the Law of Moses... However, let’s be clear, God never actually condoned the practice of having multiple wives in scripture. What we see in scripture is the evolution of the literal Law of Moses from the original 10 Commandments. As Moses continued to govern the people of Israel, well after Abrahams death, new issues always came up. One of those issues being multiple wives and concubines. I can hear them now… “Abraham did it!”
Moses in an attempt to maintain order wrote laws that permitted both multiple wives and divorce, neither of which were God’s intent for man and marriage. We know this because later when Jesus was confronted with the question of divorce he answered, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning…” This clearly indicates that the Law of Moses, and thereby the example of Abraham, did not line up directly with the will of God on all points particularly concerning marriage and divorce.
There were many things about the Law of Moses and the actions of the patriarchs that God determined was not good for mankind and therefore shifted us from an existence under the Law, where there might be allowances for our selfish desires and loop holes for our own fancy, to a life governed by Grace. And as a part of this transition several things legal under the Law were exposed as less than God’s desire and design for mankind. The Law was fulfilled and updated in the Birth, Life, and Death of Jesus Christ. Just think of “Grace” as the Law of Moses 2.0. The New Covenant is about God’s intent for mankind and not a fallible law to manage our every action…
So to be precise WHAT Abraham did was adultery… But Abraham was not guilty of adultery because the sinfulness of that act had yet to be defined as such. Hope that helps... that's my perspective. -
OK… So, this is a tough question because there are some very complex issues here. First, the issue is clearly divided between those that take the Bible literally, those who see scripture as just a loose reference, and those who recklessly bend, exclude, and/or modify scripture to suit their own purposes.
If we take the Bible at face value it is clear… Sex outside of marriage is a sin. Sin is separation from God, which simply means when we are willfully doing something against God’s instructions for us we become burdened with guilt and shame. These feelings often force us to stop praying and maybe even stop attending Bible study or going to church… Isolation. Sex is so powerful it can draw us away from our relationship with God leaving us exposed to who knows what. How can we pray? How can we have confidence in God’s promises when we have willfully taken ourselves outside of God’s grace spiritually and physically? Most times we don’t and life just gets increasingly out of control and more difficult to handle.
The Bible also teaches us that fornication (sex outside of marriage any other manner of sexual impurity) disqualifies us from the Kingdom of God. The whole specter of sin and disqualification from the Kingdom of God brings up the conversation about perseverance of the saints or “once saved always saved”. So if we do have sex outside of marriage can we never again gain right standing with God? That is a whole other and different debate that has raged for centuries… I am not qualified to debate this issue so I won’t even attempt to delve into that here. But I will say this… If there was actually no way back to the graces of God, I would still be lost.
So instead of addressing this from a purely religious standpoint I am going to take your question at face value. You asked me “What do [I] think about sex outside the sanctity of marriage?” Well… I’d be a hypocrite if I told you that I waited until I was married… I did not. And my view on sex outside of marriage has change significantly over the years now that I have the benefit of study, wisdom, and the perspective that comes from coaching so many single and married people. And now at 43 y/o, having been married for almost 20 years I believe sex outside of marriage simply IS NOT God’s best for us.
On a very practical level, I believe that the Biblical warnings and admonitions about fornication are not so much about sex as they are about us consenting to a life that is outside of God’s will… and by doing so we open ourselves up to all types of physical, emotional, and psychological issues that plague many of us for the rest of our lives. I mentor and coach many ex husbands and wives whose marriages fell apart because they could not get over or forget the sexual lives and partners they had before they were married. In that way, our sexual life outside of marriage makes the success of our marriage, if that is what we so desire, exponentially more difficult.
So believe me when I say, I personally and fully understand both the draw… and the risk. And while I was single I took that risk… some 20 years later I can clearly see how those decisions and relationships complicated my life, openly challenged my marriage, and severely challenged my sensibility and responsibility as a husband. My life would have been a whole lot easier had I been able to walk and live in a way that was in line with God’s Word. I’ve paid the price in many areas of my life losing both ground and traction trying to deal with the emotional, financial, and spiritual consequences of how I chose to live my life. Hope that helps fam.
==========================
To read my book or hear my motivational CDs
visit: http://www.BoSpeaks.com/
=========================
Steven "Bo" Beaudoin Jr. is a Certified Relationship/Life Coach, Author, Speaker, Mentor, and Motivator. a champion of Christ centered clarity, motivation, and focus. His passion is educating and empowering anyone struggling with Christian Life and Relationships. http://www.facebook.com/BoSpeaks
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2M Communications © 2011 Copyright, Steven Beaudoin Jr. All Rights Reserved. LEGAL: This original work is copyright protected and may only be reposted or redistributed in its entirety including title, author, content, and copyright information. Any other use or reproduction in full or in part must be pre-approved and authorized in writing by the copyright holder, Steven Beaudoin Jr.
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Bo Beaudoin’s Bio
Husband, Father, Friend, Mentor, Author, Speaker, Teacher, Professional Life Coach, Entrepreneur, and Philanthropist
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