-
-
Dr. War says:
“Love?
LOVE?!?
You wanna know what love is? Huh?!?
You just itchin’ to write some poetry to your mama, boy?!
I’ll tell ya what love is, maggot!
Love is curling up at night with a well-oiled, perfectly-tuned, fully-automatic assault rifle. Love is that beautiful moment of silence right after you throw a grenade into an enemy’s bunker; just before they all start yellin’ at each other in their foreign language. Love is poisonin’ a whole town’s water supply to get that one sonofabitch Korean jailer who gave you half the rations he gave everyone else just because he didn’t like you.
Love is war!
Bullet-in-your-neck/blood-in-your-mouth/scalp-in-your-teeth WAR!!!
But don’t think that love’s picky, son! Love is large AND small! Love is a paradox!
It’s killin’ Charlie with nothin’ but your bare hands! It’s vaporizin’ Ivan before he can bat an eyelash!
Love does not discriminate!
When you can’t sleep at night because one of your squad turned traitor ‘n murdered your sarge, and now everybody’s eyein’ everybody, ready to kill their own brother; THAT’S love! When you decide to take a little night patrol of your own, deep into enemy territory, completely naked and covered head-to-toe in black axle grease, armed only with a knife and a coil of garotte wire on your bicep; THAT’S love! When you return home and have to keep killin’ people because your nightmares won’t stop, THAT’S love!!!
So!!!
Now you understand the concept of love, maggot!
When I’m finished with you, you’ll be a perfectly-tuned love machine!
DISMISSED!!!” -
Dr. HU-mahn says:
"Dr. Cottillion left this note unattended in his working A-rea. I would like to do him a FA-vour as a normal fellow HU-mahn and answer is for him, as is customary on this planet, where people speak for each other without permission.
I forget sometimes that your species only has two opposed sexes instead of three. I mean our species. HU-mahn BE-ings. I will continue.
When our sex wishes to entice a LADY, A-nother term for a female HU-mahn, it is customary to present her with malnutritious offerings and castrated plant genitals.
However, this is often referred to as a CLICHÉ. I have also found in my studying that most HU-mahns do not actually engage in this tradition unless subserviating themselves to their partner to make up for a recent transgression.
But here I am, rambling like one’s chosen youngling-trainer. To answer your question, which is very general and open-ended, I shall list ways in which NOT to greet a LADY.
Do NOT greet a LADY:
1. With teeth bared.
2. Using weapons.
3. With paranoia.
4. During her sleeping time.
5. With plans for immediate reproduction.
6. While nude.
7. After a recent failure to exterminate one’s enemy.
9. While vomiting.
10. With her replacement.
So long as you do not do any of those things to your future mate, you will be READY. Just remember to BE yourself. How ‘bout it, pardn’er, ok? Howdy. -
Dr Future says:
"For me, this is not a hypothetical question. I gave him, me, a futuristic bone-melting gun to dispose of his, our, enemies.
This unfortunately led to a boring, uncontested existence, so my future self had to go back and tell us both not to melt our enemies' bones, but in order for my time-continuum to remain stable, we still had to melt them.
It was an interesting paradox, which we ultimately solved by killing our own grandmother. Twice. Sometimes the solution is right in front of you, ya know?"
-
Ask A Doctor’s Bio
The current list of Doctors:
Dr. Cowboy
Dr. Domestic
Dr. Science
Dr. HU-mahn
Dr. Future
Dr. Cotillion
Dr. Robot
Dr. Witch-doctor
Dr. War
Dr. Chef
Dr. Conspiracy
Dr. Makeup
Dr. Professional
